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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29214036">Tidal Wave</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/elivigar/pseuds/elivigar'>elivigar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tidal Wave verse [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, M/M, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Slow Burn, Smoking, Swearing, youngblood era</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:42:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>127,170</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29214036</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/elivigar/pseuds/elivigar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“We talked about it before we went over to fetch you,” Ashton starts, “and Michael talked it over with Liz, and we decided that you shouldn’t live on your own for the time being.”</i>
</p><p><i>“</i>You<i> decided that </i>I<i> shouldn’t live on my own,” Luke repeats. “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m an adult who can make his own decisions.”</i></p><p>
  <i>Ashton smiles, but it’s thin and void of humour. “You’re staying with me for a while, Luke.”</i>
</p><p>A story about figuring out how to handle the difficulties life throws at you, on your own and with the help of loved ones.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Calum Hood/Original Female Character(s), Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Crystal Leigh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tidal Wave verse [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2243988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>153</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>146</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi, guys, and thank you so much for clicking on my little 5SOS slow burn project! This has been in the works for more than four months now, and I’m so excited to finally be able to share it, and I hope some of you like it!</p><p>Just to get it out of the way: <i>Tidal Wave</i> has a total word count of approximately 127k (give or take) and consists of fourteen parts (including the prologue and the epilogue). It’s finished written, formatted and edited, and will be <b>updated every Friday at 8 p.m. GMT+1</b>. (The exceptions are chapters 3 and 9 as I’m at work until 10 p.m. on the Fridays that they’re gonna be posted; I’ll therefore post those two chapters before I leave for work, around 1 p.m. GMT+1 (ish).) If I’ve calculated correctly, the epilogue will be posted on Friday, April 30th. (Edit, April 2nd 2021: After having given it some thought, I've decided that I'll post the epilogue at the same time as chapter 12, so the whole fic will therefore be out there on April 23rd 2021.)</p><p><b>If anyone wants to know, here are the approximate word counts for each part:</b><br/>Prologue: 0.9k<br/>Part 1: 10.6k<br/>Part 2: 10.8k<br/>Part 3: 10.7k<br/>Part 4: 10.8k<br/>Part 5: 10.8k<br/>Part 6: 10.3k<br/>Part 7: 10.7k<br/>Part 8: 10.9k<br/>Part 9: 10.5k<br/>Part 10: 10.1k<br/>Part 11: 10.3k<br/>Part 12: 10.3k<br/>Epilogue: 0.9k </p><p>I’ve stuck to real life events to a relatively large degree, but this is fan fiction and a number of things will therefore not add up with what happened in real life. I’ve stuck to real life dates and locations for the “bigger things'' (such as tours and single releases), BUT I didn’t see the point in hunting down every single tiny bit of info on their whereabouts and activities (like candids and pap photos, small interviews, little quips made here and there, etc.) for that entire time frame. </p><p>I’ve deliberately strayed from real life on a couple of topics, mostly on ones related to the writing of <i>Youngblood</i> (the album), and by that I mean that the meanings and inspirations behind the songs are obviously mostly made up and that while I’ve done my best to collect info about when and where and in what order they were written (which tbqh was a pain in the ass), I’ve also strayed from real life on a couple of points♥ The personalities and actions of the boys that aren’t taken directly from real life events are obviously complete fiction, and it’s in no way meant to offend or disrespect any of the boys, their partners, nor anyone else connected to them. </p><p>Okay, so while this fic isn't dark in any way, it's less than pleasant here and there, especially in the first few parts, for this and that reason (mostly due to portrayal of mental health issues), and I’m just gonna say a couple of quick things about that. </p><p>All fic warnings are in the tags, but in order to avoid spoiling anything for those who don't wanna be spoiled, I'm not gonna put individual chapter warnings in the chapter notes. <i>However</i>, if someone wants chapter warnings, shoot me a message and I’ll share a Google Doc with you that I’ll update with chapter specific warnings as I update the fic. I feel like I should point out, though, that if you struggle with/don’t like reading about mental health issues or alcohol, this probably isn’t the fic for you as both of those play certain roles in the plot and can’t really be skipped♥</p><p>Explicit depiction of recreational drug use only occurs once throughout the story, but you’ll miss some rather important parts of the plot if you skip it, so if you don’t want to read about that particular topic but you do want to read the rest of the story, let me know and I’ll send you a short recap of what happens in that scene. The explicit sexual content throughout the story is skippable, aka you won’t miss any plot- and/or character development if you don’t read it. If you want markers for the start and end points of explicit sexual content, hit me up with an email address when you see that a chapter marked with explicit sexual content in the aforementioned Google Doc has been posted, and I’ll send you PDFs of the chapters where markers are included. </p><p>I'm gonna stop rambling for now, so I hope someone enjoys this little fic! Come talk to me on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Tumblr</a> if you wanna!♥</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, May 28th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Everything is spinning.<p>Luke tries to keep his eyes open, but his eyelids are heavy with grime and the large bottle of whiskey he’s spent the last three hours consuming. With only a few drops remaining at the bottom of said bottle, he raises it to his lips and swallows. Objectively speaking, it should worry him that he takes zero notice of how sharp the liquid is as it goes down, but he simply drops the bottle to the floor, not giving it a second thought. The loud clink of glass hitting hardwood floor makes him laugh for the benefit of no one but himself and his bedroom walls. The sheets under his half-naked body haven’t been changed in several weeks; they smell of sweat and cum and alcohol and something faintly moldy, and they’re in a chronic state of dampness. </p>
<p>The thought makes Luke laugh again.</p>
<p>He hasn’t found anything funny in what feels like a long time, but laughing strikes him as better than to just lie there like a wax sculpture. It’s been three days since he ran out of tears, and he thinks hollow laughs are better than absolutely nothing. In his drunken, stoned state, he barely manages to roll over on his side, and a nauseating shiver immediately courses through his body.</p>
<p>Closing his eyes, he parts his lips and inhales as deeply as he can manage. The air stops in his chest, won’t reach his belly, and he whimpers as he curls further in on himself and exhales stutteringly. He clenches his jaw so hard his teeth feel like they might shatter any moment, and he reckons that might not be so bad, because surely breaking all his teeth would make him feel something?</p>
<p>He laughs once again and the sharp noise scrapes against his own ears, echoing so loudly he barely registers the sound of his bedroom door being opened. His eyes are still closed, but there are shadows moving around closeby, and mumbling voices are slowly starting to cut through the thick fog that Luke’s mind has been reduced to. He can’t make out the words, but he recognises the voices.</p>
<p>There’s a dip in the mattress, then something that feels like a hand is on Luke’s shoulder. “Hey, Luke, can you hear me?” says Michael’s voice, and it sounds like it’s coming from far away. So, so far away. Everything’s far away.</p>
<p>Luke tries to open his mouth, but his lips aren’t responding, and all he manages is a guttural groan, which punctures when it hits his tongue.</p>
<p>“Thought so,” Michael mumbles. “We’re gonna get you out of here, okay?”</p>
<p>The words take a while to register, and by the time they do, Luke is flying through air, weightless and dizzy. It takes another few moments before he realises that he’s been picked up bridal style. He wants to protest, wants to be put back on his bed and be left alone, but all he manages to get out is a whine.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Luke, but time’s come for some tough love,” comes Ashton’s voice from above, and oh. That’s who’s carrying him. “Cal, grab a blanket from the couch. Mike, can you fetch Petunia?” Luke hears Calum say something and though he’s close by, the words are indecipherable. Hoisting Luke a little further up, Ashton says, “Because he’s only wearing a t-shirt and boxers, he’s gonna freeze to death before we get him home.”</p>
<p>Home? Luke whines again, because he <i>is</i> home, isn’t he? A numb sense of panic, almost completely dulled out by apathy, pinches weakly at his sternum, because if he’s not at home, then where is he?</p>
<p>He’s vaguely aware of Ashton lowering him down onto a semi-soft surface, then a blanket is being put over him, and something clicks nearby. Luke’s head lolls to the side and hits something hard and cold, but it barely registers. Before he can even attempt to figure out what’s happening, his mind disconnects, and the fog that envelops it is denser than ever.</p>
<p>Everything is spinning once again.</p>
<p>Luke can’t feel his legs, and something wet is being thrown at him. Is he on the beach? Is it water that’s making him wetter by the second? But the voices around him are echoing slightly, and the water won’t stop falling, and it’s warm, and he thinks he’s naked. Something’s touching his head, something comfortable and soothing, and Luke manages to punch out a small noise.</p>
<p>“I know, I know, we’re trying to be quick,” comes Calum's voice from somewhere next to him.</p>
<p>“Is he okay?” comes Michael’s voice from behind, and Luke only then realises that a pair of arms – not his own, he thinks – are wrapped around him from behind, and something solid is pressed against the expanse of his back, as if to hold him up.</p>
<p>“Drunker than I’ve ever seen him,” says Ashton from right in front of Luke. “Maybe on something. Nothing strong, I don’t think, but… I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Should we call someone?” Michael asks.</p>
<p>“Not for now. I’ll keep an eye on him tonight, and if he’s still not back by tomorrow morning, I’ll call an ambulance.”</p>
<p>The world dissolves into nothingness after that, and the last thing Luke registers before he blacks out is that he’s lying down, enveloped by heat from head to toe, and Ashton’s voice uttering a sentence that Luke doesn’t catch. </p>
<p>He only catches the last three words. </p>
<p>“I’m right here.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here’s part 1 of <i>Tidal Wave</i>! I chose to post it at the same time as the prologue because, well, the prologue was short and it’s only there to establish where Luke’s at physically and, to some degree, mentally; it doesn’t push the plot forward, which part 1 does (at least to a larger degree than the prologue).</p><p>I have some people I need to thank for supporting me and believing in me and/or providing me with sources for and info about miscellaneous things as I wrote this, so here we go: Thank you to <a href="https://tigerteeff.tumblr.com">Heath</a>, <a href="https://clumsyclifford.tumblr.com">Bella</a>, <a href="https://ashesonthefloor.tumblr.com">Ainslee</a>, <a href="https://pxrxmoore.tumblr.com">Beth</a>, <a href="https://escapesos.tumblr.com">Peyton</a>, <a href="https://michaelownsmyheart.tumblr.com">Taylor</a>, <a href="https://malumlftv.tumblr.com">Mandie</a>, <a href="https://kaleidoscopeminds.tumblr.com">Meg</a>, <a href="https://redrattlers.tumblr.com">Em</a>, <a href="https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com">Amanda</a> and <a href="https://glitterblazercalum.tumblr.com">Iba</a> for telling me to go for it when I first expressed interest in writing this and had doubts for a number of reasons, for supporting me in any way, for helping me out when my knowledge of the English language failed me and/or for helping me nail down dates and eras for real life events whenever I was at a loss (an extra big thank you to Em and Meg for the latter), and also for being generally wonderful, sweet, talented and amazing people. </p><p>I already wrote a quick thanks to Amanda in the Tumblr post, but I wanna say it here, too: Thank you so much to Amanda for being the first person who read <i>Tidal Wave</i> as a whole. I showed her the prologue and the first chapter in mid-January when I only had about 20k left to write of the whole thing; I’d completed the prologue, chapters 1-6 and 8-10 at this point, chapters 7 and 11 were more than halfway finished and chapter 12 was about 20% finished, and I’d been stuck for a few days, couldn’t bring myself to carry on, until Amanda offered to read through whatever I was willing to show her. It ended with me sending her one doc at the time until she’d read the whole thing, and I can’t express through words how grateful I am that she took the time to read, react and point out mistakes and inconsistencies along the way. The feedback you gave me was so encouraging, Amanda, and it gave me a kick of motivation that enabled me to carry on where I’d left off and complete the whole fic within less than two weeks, and your support and your willingness to take the time to give me that support means the world♥</p><p>I also wanna thank <a href="https://wlidflwrs.tumblr.com.">Leesh</a> (though she’s not gonna see this ‘cause this ain’t really her type of fic). You’ve been listening to my meltdowns about this fic for months, from the moment the idea hit me and until the very end (as you have with all of my fic projects over the last few years), and you’ve helped me plan and plot and been super supportive whenever I’ve shared snippets that I was particularly happy with, you’ve been my go-to person when I needed help with Aussie vocabulary and slang (sorry about that), and well, you’ve been an amazing friend for almost eight years despite there being thousands of miles between us, and I love you♥ Just know that this is the only time I’ll say those three words to you. Ever.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, May 29th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>It’s disorienting, to say the least, to wake up stark naked in an unfamiliar bed. Defying his headache and the urge to give into the nausea that's rolling around in his stomach by throwing up, Luke rises from the bed. He has to close his eyes for a bit to keep his head from spinning before he looks around the room. It takes him a hot second to realise that he’s in Ashton’s guest bedroom, and that a neat stack of clothes has been placed on the bedside table closest to him. While the socks, boxers, dark blue trackies and the white t-shirt definitely aren’t his own, Luke puts them on before he carefully opens the door and peeks outside. The hallway is deserted, and he pads to the end of it, rounds the corner to the left, and finds himself in the lounge slash kitchen area.<p>Ashton’s standing by the kitchen counter with his back turned to Luke, and Luke clears his throat.</p><p>Turning his head, Ashton smiles. “Good morning,” he says before he continues what he was doing. He’s cutting up vegetables, Luke realises when he comes closer.</p><p>Luke tries to swallow, but his tongue feels swollen and his throat raw. Grabbing a glass from the cupboard, he fills it with water, and chugs it down in greedy gulps. Once empty, he puts it down on the counter and wipes a few stray drops from his chin.</p><p>“What time is it?” he asks. It comes out croaky.</p><p>“Almost six,” Ashton says.</p><p>Luke blinks. “In the morning?”</p><p>“Yes, I’m cooking dinner at six in the morning,” Ashton snorts. When Luke merely looks at him, he sighs and puts the knife down. “Six in the afternoon, Luke.”</p><p>“Oh.” Luke licks his lips. They’re dry and chapped. “What… why am I here? At your place?”</p><p>“You don’t remember anything from last night?”</p><p>Luke shrugs. “Bits and pieces.”</p><p>“Better than I expected, to be honest,” Ashton says, and it seems like he’s mostly talking to himself. “You’re here because we hadn’t heard from you in two whole days, you didn’t pick up your phone or answer our texts or anything, so we went to your house and grabbed you.”</p><p>“You grabbed me,” Luke repeats. His head is pounding, and there’s a solid chance he might throw up at Ashton’s kitchen floor any minute.</p><p>“At two in the morning, I might add,” Ashton says dryly. “Your mum called Calum, said you kept texting her pictures of everything you were drinking, and she was starting to freak out pretty badly, so... yeah, we grabbed you. Carried you out, actually.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke mumbles. “I kinda… remember that part.”</p><p>“Okay. Want me to tell you the rest?”</p><p>“Should I sit down?” Luke asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer before he slumps down on one of the dining room chairs, leaning one elbow on the table.</p><p>Joining Luke by the table, Ashton purses his lips for a moment before he speaks up. “Well, you looked and smelled like death on a platter, so we got you in the shower. You weren’t happy about it and you were more or less completely passed out, but we got you all nice and clean eventually. We got you to bed after that, Michael and Calum went home, I sat and watched you sleep all… well, morning, I guess, and now here we are.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Luke buries his head in his hands. “Sorry,” he says, voice muffled. “That’s not— I didn’t mean to let that happen.”</p><p>“I believe you.”</p><p>Luke lifts his head and nods. “Good. Thanks for… well, everything, then. I’m just gonna… call an Uber and get home”</p><p>“Actually, about that,” Ashton says, effectively pulling Luke to a stop mid-rise. “Sit down.” </p><p>Luke hesitates for a beat, but there’s a look of determination in Ashton’s eyes that Luke doesn’t have the energy to challenge. “Okay, what… what’s up?” he asks while lowering himself back onto the chair.</p><p>“We talked about it before we went over to fetch you,” Ashton starts, “and Michael talked it over with Liz, and we decided that you shouldn’t live on your own for the time being.”</p><p>“<i>You</i> decided that <i>I</i> shouldn’t live on my own,” Luke repeats. “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m an adult who can make his own decisions.”</p><p>Ashton smiles, but it’s thin and void of humour. “You’re staying with me for a while, Luke.”</p><p>“What?” Luke stares at Ashton, waits for him to burst out laughing, but it never happens, and Luke feels himself getting angry. Smacking his lips, he shakes his head. “What the fuck is wrong with all of you? You can’t just— just go around and decide what I can and can’t do.”</p><p>“It’s for your own good,” Ashton says. “You’ve been spiralling these last few months, and yesterday was the last drop for all of us. If you continue like this, you’re gonna kill yourself before we get to 2018.”</p><p>“Then that’s my fucking decision, isn’t it?” Luke snaps.</p><p>“Not if I can do anything about it.”</p><p>“Well, you can’t! Last time I checked, you weren’t a therapist or whatever, so—”</p><p>“No, but I’m your friend and you’re staying here until further notice.”</p><p>“Fantastic,” Luke bites. “Am I allowed to go outside or do you wanna take me for daily walks so I can get some fresh air? Put a leash on me, perhaps, and take me to the park?”</p><p>“God, you can be such a brat sometimes,” Ashton says, as calm as ever. “You’re free to do whatever you want, as long as you remember that this house is your temporary home.” When Luke does nothing but glare in response, he sighs. “Look, obviously no one can force you to stay here, but I’d really like it if you did. And so would Michael, Cal and your mum. I’m not gonna make you talk or try to fix you, if that’s what you’re worried about; that’s on you and you alone. But none of us want you to be holed up in that big, empty house when you’re going through all this shit, and at least this way you’ll have someone to keep you company whenever you want it. And the guest bedroom’s all yours, I’m not gonna go in there without your permission, so when you wanna be alone, you have a place for that, too.”</p><p>A part of Luke wants to keep fighting, wants to tell Ashton that he and everyone else can go screw themselves with their self-help books and chamomile tea and daily meditation sessions, and then get the fuck back to his own house. Another part of him wants to curl up in the bed he woke up in with the knowledge that another human being is in close proximity, and stay there until the sky falls down and everything stops mattering all together. He’s so tired in every conceivable way and he’s hungover and his chest feels hollow and Ashton’s a comfortable presence, as he always has been.</p><p>In the end, he draws a deep, trembling breath, and diverts his gaze to the table. “I have to fetch some stuff,” he says quietly. “Clothes and toiletries and my guitar and… yeah.”</p><p>“We’ll go after dinner,” Ashton says with an undertone of relief in his voice. “Hungry?”</p><p>Luke returns to Ashton’s guest bedroom — his room for the time being, apparently — while Ashton continues cooking. It’s been a long time since Luke lay in a bed with clean sheets, and he curls up on top of the covers with his face halfway buried in the pillow, breathing in the scent of detergent and feeling the cool air from the open window brush against his bare arms. He stays there, unmoving and with his eyes closed, but not sleeping, until Ashton knocks on the door and tells Luke through the door that dinner’s ready.</p><p>They eat on the couch in silence, until Luke goes to fetch himself a third serving and Ashton asks when, exactly, he last ate.</p><p>“I had a bag of chips on Saturday,” Luke says as he returns to his spot on the couch and starts eating again.</p><p>“Today’s Monday,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Guess I haven’t eaten in a while, then.”</p><p>“Guess you haven’t.”</p><p>Ashton leaves it at that. He lets Luke finish eating in peace, and when he’s done, he takes both their plates to the kitchen, rinsing them off before he starts tidying up.</p><p>“Want me to help?” Luke asks.</p><p>Ashton grins. “Nah, you know me, I clean while I cook, so there’s not much left. Just gotta put the leftovers away and soak the casserole. Wanna head over to yours now or do you wanna wait?”</p><p>“I feel a little gross wearing your underwear, so the sooner the better.”</p><p>“Hey, you should feel honoured,” Ashton says, waving a dirty spatula at him. “Some people would give their left arm to be allowed to wear my underwear.”</p><p>“I think you should tell those people that they seriously need to reevaluate their life decisions.”</p><p>Ashton finishes tidying the kitchen before he leads the way to the entrance hall, and hands Luke a pair of slippers to wear. They’re a size or two too large, and Luke nearly stumbles over his own feet on his way to Ashton’s car. The ride to Luke’s house isn’t a long one, and he's grateful, because he spends every minute of it dreading to see what state the house is in. Despite having spent the last few weeks in it, barely going outside at all, he can’t remember the last time he did any sort of housework or even paid attention to what any of the rooms looked like.</p><p>The answer is handed to him the moment he unlocks the front door and steps inside, and the smell of booze immediately crawls up his nose. He finds the source of said smell in the shape of two broken vodka bottles in the kitchen, their contents having spread more or less across the entire room. A vague memory from a few days ago floats into Luke’s subconscious, and he thinks he remembers breaking both bottles on purpose. The reason, however, is lost on him.</p><p>Ashton comes walking up right behind him and, upon seeing the mess, he gives Luke’s back a light slap. “We’ll call a clean-up crew tomorrow morning, okay?” he says. “Let’s just find everything you need and leave.”</p><p>Luke throws one last look at the kitchen before he obediently follows Ashton into his bedroom. It smells like death in there, and Luke does his best to not look around more than necessary as he grabs all the clean clothes in his closet and tosses them in a large suitcase. Ashton, meanwhile, takes a bag and goes to the entrance hall to grab shoes and jackets. The bathroom, while not in quite as much disarray as the bedroom, is disgusting, and Luke makes quick work of locating the necessities, stuffing them in a backpack, before he hits the lights, closes the door and leaves.</p><p>After Luke has fetched two of his guitars, his laptop and his notebook, he and Ashton load everything into the boot of the car. As Ashton pulls out of the driveway, Luke looks at his house. He eyes the dark, empty windows, thinking about what hides behind them, and while he’s not at all ready to admit it out loud, he’s vaguely grateful that he won’t have to see those walls again for a while. He’s also immensely grateful that the walls can’t talk, because God knows neither he nor anyone else needs to be reminded of what they’ve seen.</p><p>Once they’ve unloaded everything from the car and put it in Luke’s room, Ashton clutches Luke’s shoulder and tells him he’ll be in the basement. For a bit, Luke just stands in the middle of the lounge, feeling severely out of place, surrounded by things that aren’t his and that he has no history with. In a way, it’s comforting as well, though. An odd sense of a new start, no matter how little sense that might make. He has half a mind to pull out his notebook and try to write, but ultimately decides against it; he doesn’t want to know what kinds of words he’d jot down if given a pen and paper right now.</p><p>With the occasional sounds of light drumming traveling from the basement to the lounge, Luke finds enough peace of mind to sit down on the couch and turn on the TV. He channel surfs until he finds a rerun of <i>Hell’s Kitchen</i>, and does his best to focus on the on-screen drama rather than on the deafening silence that thuds against his cranium.</p><p>Ashton emerges from the basement when it’s nearly eleven o’clock, and Luke has yet to move from the couch. <i>Hell’s Kitchen</i> turned into <i>Dr. Pimple Popper</i> at some point, and normally Luke would cringe at the sight of multi-coloured goo being pressed out of people’s skin, but he barely notices.</p><p>“That’s just… horrid,” Ashton says as he sits down next to Luke. “Why are you watching that? You hate this kind of stuff. Remember when Cal asked you to pop a zit on his back last year and you damn near threw up before you’d even gotten started?”</p><p>Luke smiles, but doesn’t take his eyes off the TV. “That was last year. Things change.”</p><p>“Yeah, they do,” Ashton agrees. There’s a stretch of silence. “I’m not gonna <i>force</i> you to talk, but you know I’m here if you <i>want</i> to talk, right?”</p><p>This time, Luke shifts his attention from the TV to Ashton, if only for a split second. “I know,” he says as he looks back on the TV. “I’ll let you know if I do.”</p><p>“Okay. Good,” Ashton says as he stands back up. “I’m gonna go to bed, but you do whatever you want, yeah?”</p><p>Luke smiles again. “I will. Goodnight.” He knows that Ashton telling him to do ‘whatever he wants’ is his way of saying ‘make yourself at home, because this is gonna <i>be</i> your home until you get your shit somewhat together’, but he doesn’t comment on it. Not for now, anyway.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, June 9th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>The fact that Luke is still physically capable of moving further than from the bedroom to the kitchen to the lounge to the bathroom and back, comes as a bit of a shock on him. But he wakes up on a sunny, hot day in the first half of June, and even though it’s almost an hour past noon, he’s so pleasantly surprised that he’s managed to drag his ass out of bed before dinnertime that he puts on a pair of sneakers and takes an overjoyed Petunia for a walk without even attempting to locate Ashton first.<p>It’s not a long walk by any means. He returns back to Ashton’s after less than half an hour, but he still feels good about it, because it’s the first time he’s gotten any type of exercise whatsoever since late April, if he’s not entirely incorrect. When he approaches the lounge, he hears the distinctive sound of Calum’s laugh, followed by Ashton saying something, and it’s with a feeling of slight dread that he follows the voices.</p><p>He finds both Ashton and Calum on the couch, both cradling a cup of coffee in their hands. They look up the moment Luke enters, and the smile that Calum offers Luke contains just a little too much pity for Luke to be able to return it. Instead he just says, “Hey” before he goes to grab a glass of water. He drinks it in the kitchen, back turned to the couch, and wishes he couldn’t hear Calum mumbling something to Ashton. Not that he’s able to pick up the words, but there’s no doubt in his mind that they’re talking about him, and he doesn’t have the nerve to confront them about it.</p><p>“Where were you?” Ashton asks when Luke has sat down in one of the armchairs and spun it around to face the couch.</p><p>“What, you’re my keeper now?” Luke asks. “Thought you said I was allowed to do as I please.”</p><p>“I’m just curious, you defensive brat,” Ashton says. “It’s the first time you’ve left the house since you got here, you know.”</p><p>Luke opts not to mention that it’s the first time he’s properly left any house at all for several weeks. “I went for a walk, if you must know,” he says.</p><p>Calum hums through a mouthful of coffee. Swallowing, he says, “Nice to see you conscious again, Luke.”</p><p>“Nice to see you at all, Cal,” Luke snarks.</p><p>“And he’s acquired an attitude,” Calum says with a slight roll of his eyes.</p><p>“Oh, it’s always been there, it’s just a little more obvious these days,” Ashton says.</p><p>“You don’t say.” Calum takes another sip of coffee, though he never takes his eyes off Luke. Truth be told, it’s quite unnerving, and Luke looks down to study his own hands, which are clasped in his lap. His skin is dry, he notices. “You scared us, you know.”</p><p>Luke looks up again then, blinks at Calum and his furrowed brows. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to.”</p><p>“I know. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I’m just saying that you’ve never scared any of us like that before.” He pauses, as if to allow his words to sink in. “And it’s not about us, I’m just pointing out that in all the years we’ve known you, you’ve never pulled anything quite that… fucked up.”</p><p>“I’ve been drunk and stoned before,” Luke says.</p><p>“Yeah, but not alone in your bedroom after having dodged everyone’s attempts at getting in touch with you for two days straight,” Calum says, and there’s a bit of an edge to his voice. “Not half-naked while looking like a dog’s breakfast and after having spent several months dealing with a fucked up relationship that culminated in an even more fucked up break-up, not <i>that</i> drunk and completely—”</p><p>“Calum,” Ashton says sharply, effectively cutting off what Luke’s pretty sure was about to turn into a full-blown rant.</p><p>Calum closes his eyes and clenches his teeth so hard his jaw quivers for a moment. “Sorry,” he says as he opens his eyes.</p><p>“Yeah,” is all Luke can get himself to say. Standing up, he adds, “I’m gonna take a shower,” and leaves before either of them can say anything else. Locking the bathroom door behind himself, he discards his clothes in a pile on the floor before stepping into the shower. Instead of waiting in the corner for the water to turn hot, he stands underneath the freezing cold spray while he waits. It’s something he realised two days ago that he finds some sort of joy in — the goosebumps on his body, the shivers, the desperation. It all reminds him that he’s still capable of feeling things rather strongly, and he loves it, even if said feelings are of the negative variety for the time being.</p><p>Upon returning to the lounge, Luke realises that while Ashton is in the same spot, Calum’s nowhere to be seen.</p><p>“He went home,” Ashton says when Luke sits down next to him, answering a question Luke didn’t ask. Giving a barely-there smile, he adds, “He’s just worried. Scared. He didn’t mean to go off like he did, but you know how he is.”</p><p>Luke huffs out a laugh. He does know how Calum is. Kind-hearted, patient and empathetic, but usually unable to express fright, worry, hurt and sadness through anything but frustration and, occasionally, anger. He’s been like that for as long as Luke’s known him, and from time to time he wonders if it’ll ever change.</p><p>“Can’t really blame him, I guess,” Luke says.</p><p>“For being worried? No, you can’t,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Hm. So… when did he get here, anyway? And why was he here?”</p><p>“Oh, he came over early this morning, we were trying to get some writing done,” Ashton says. “Not much came of it, but… there might be something useful. We’ll see.”</p><p>“Lyrics or music?”</p><p>“Lyrics, though Cal mentioned that he has a beat he’d like to try out once we get a few more lines written.”</p><p>Luke nods. “Can I take a look?”</p><p>“Have at it,” Ashton says, gesturing towards the coffee table, where Luke only then realises a notebook is placed.</p><p>Reaching for it, Luke lets his eyes skim over the messily written words and the numerous crossed out sections. Once he’s gone over the sheet a couple of times, he realises that there’s really only one whole line written. ‘<i>When the doors are closing, it's bound to get loud.</i>’</p><p>“I like it,” Luke says as he puts the notebook back on the table. “Yours or Cal’s?”</p><p>“Cal’s,” Ashton says. “I tried to spin something more from it, but I got stuck. I’ll give it another go later, maybe after dinner. Speaking of, we have to go grocery shopping.”</p><p>“<i>We</i> have to go grocery shopping?” Luke asks, quirking an eyebrow. “Since when is that my job?”</p><p>“Since you started living here and eat twice as much food as I do,” Ashton says, smiling widely. “Besides, when was the last time you went to a grocery store? Do you even know what they look like these days?”</p><p>Luke tosses a throw pillow at his head, and Ashton laughs and tosses it back at Luke before he pulls up his phone and starts working on a list.</p><p>“What do you want for dinner?” he asks after a bit.</p><p>“Today?”</p><p>“Today, tomorrow, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…”</p><p>“You want me to pull five dinner suggestions out of my ass, right here and now?”</p><p>“That’d be of great help, so yes.”</p><p>“Fine, burgers today, Sunday and Tuesday, pizza tomorrow and Monday.”</p><p>“We’re gonna become overweight and get scurvy,” Ashton snorts. “Okay… how about burgers today and pizza on Sunday? Then some sort of veggie lasagna on Tuesday, and… salmon tomorrow?”</p><p>“Sure, whatever,” Luke says. “Just don’t boil the damn salmon.”</p><p>“Why would I boil it?” Ashton says, grimacing violently.</p><p>“Arz used to do it,” Luke says, promptly ignoring the harsh tearing in his heart. “Less calories, she said.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, I need the calories of a butter- and lemon-baked salmon with extra sour cream, and so do you,” Ashton says, voice having fallen a tad softer than before. He waits until Luke’s given a slight nod before he continues. “Besides, she was full of shit. Baking salmon in aluminum foil with only salt and pepper is the best way to prepare salmon if you want it to stay healthy. If you boil it, loads of the vitamins and proteins are just gonna disappear in the water. Anyway, chicken breasts and ratatouille on Monday? Gotta try keeping it healthy sometimes, I guess.”</p><p>Luke doesn’t pay much mind to what Ashton says after that. He lets himself get lost in his own thoughts while Ashton finishes the shopping list, chiming in with an occasional, “Sure, yeah,” whenever Ashton asks him a direct question. </p><p>During the time Luke was with Arzaylea, Ashton was the one in the band who was the least vocal about his dislike for her. Whenever something went down, he usually chose to show his support by simply being there, offering Luke a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, rather than by yelling out his dislike for Arzaylea. Luke appreciated it, and combined with Michael’s eyerolls and grunts, and Calum’s rants, it made for a pretty solid support system. Thinking back on it now, on the times he stormed out of the studio after having had yet another fight with her on the phone, on the numerous occasions he called one or more of the boys to go out and get blackout drunk with him after having his heart shattered for the millionth time, Luke feels a hard lump take shape in his throat, and he’s grateful when Ashton declares that the shopping list is done and that they can get going.</p><p>While knowing full well that Ashton meant it as a joke when he asked when Luke last set foot in a grocery store, Luke realises, with an uncomfortable tug to his stomach, that he has no idea what the answer is. It hasn’t been <i>years</i>, obviously, but it’s definitely been a while. Before he moved in with Ashton, he got everything he needed by ordering it to his door or Arzaylea picked it up before she came over, and after things between them ended, he survived on what he already had in the house. As he walks behind Ashton down the aisles, grabbing an occasional item when prompted to, he tries to remember the last time he did his own grocery shopping, but it’s hopeless. One month ago? Maybe two? </p><p>He feels out of place, surrounded by strangers who are none the wiser after walking past Luke. Strangers who have no idea that he’s fallen so far that the simple act of buying food makes his palms sweat and has his chest feel empty. As they work their way through the shopping list, one item at the time, Luke subconsciously finds himself gravitating closer and closer to Ashton. It’s the only factor in the whole scenario that feels safe, and he clings onto it for dear life. If Ashton notices, he doesn’t say anything as he continues to throw things into the cart while occasionally offering a quip about one thing or another. </p><p>By the time they make it to the self-checkout and Ashton starts scanning the items, Luke feels vaguely nauseous and his hands are cold and clammy. While it may have to do with the fact that he hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday afternoon and that his blood sugar is therefore down in the dumps, he’s self-aware enough to realise that it has more to do with the anxiety that has plagued him the last couple of months. Ashton finishes scanning the items, and Luke hurriedly pulls out his wallet to pay, more to have something to do with himself than for any other reason.</p><p>The drive back passes in silence, and it’s not until they’ve brought the groceries inside and put the bags down in the kitchen that either of them speaks up. It’s hardly a surprise that it’s Ashton.</p><p>“You could’ve said no, you know,” he says as he puts a carton of milk in the fridge.</p><p>Unpacking a truly ridiculous amount of produce, putting it on the counter, Luke asks, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean that you were so pale when we finally got out of that store that I thought you were gonna pass out.” Closing the fridge, Ashton leans his shoulder against it as he regards Luke. “You could’ve told me if the thought of going bothered you that much. I wouldn’t have forced you to go.”</p><p>Luke shrugs his shoulders, turning his back to Ashton as he continues to empty the bag standing at his feet. “I didn’t… know it was gonna be an issue,” he says honestly. “And it wasn’t, necessarily. It just felt… odd. I don’t know.”</p><p>“Like you didn’t know what to do with yourself?” Ashton asks. “Like everyone in there was watching you, waiting for you to stumble or say something weird?”</p><p>Stilling for a moment, but not turning around, Luke nods curtly. “Something like that.”</p><p>“Okay. We’ll go shopping more often from now on, then, so we won’t have to be in the store for more than fifteen minutes at the time.”</p><p>“I thought you weren’t gonna try to fix me.”</p><p>“I’m not. Trips to the store aren’t gonna fix you, but they’re means that you can use to try and fix yourself.”</p><p>Smiling humourlessly at the kitchen counter, Luke says, “Who says I need fixing at all?”</p><p>“The fact that you haven’t been yourself for more than half a year does.”</p><p>“Maybe I’ve just matured. Grown up. Become dull and sad with age.”</p><p>“I know you well enough to know that’s not the case,” Ashton says, and his tone doesn’t leave room for argument. “We’re going shopping again on Tuesday, so be ready for it.”</p><p>Luke waits until all the groceries are put away and Ashton is on his way out of the kitchen before he opens his mouth again. “It’s not your job to do all of this for me,” he says. “To help me get back on track or whatever you wanna call it.”</p><p>Ashton turns ninety degrees. “You never offered me the job, but you didn’t offer it to anyone else either, which left it up for grabs.” Pausing to offer Luke a crooked smile, he finishes with, “And I grabbed it,” before he disappears out of sight.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Saturday, June 17th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Stretching his arms over his head with a languid yawn, Luke rolls over on his side, blinking against the late afternoon sun shining in through the curtains. He lets his eyelids flutter shut for a split second, then looks at the notebook resting next to him on the mattress. It’s cruel, in a way, that he lives in Los Angeles, a city perpetually cursed with sunshine, when the only words that make their way from his mind to his notebook are dark and needy. He’s been in his room for a better half of the afternoon, attempting and failing to get some lyrics written down. The only words he’s jotted down are, ‘<i>Why won’t you love me?</i>’, and all he’s left with is an entire A4 page covered with said words. They’re desperate and pathetic and humiliating in the way they glare back at him.<p>A knock on the door yanks him back to reality, and he rolls over on his other side to face the door as he says, “Come in.”</p><p>The door swings open, and Ashton pokes his head in. “Hey,” he says. “Gotten anything done?”</p><p>“Nothing useful,” Luke says as he sits up slowly, rubbing his eyes. “What’s up?”</p><p>“Just got a text from Michael,” Ashton says. “He and Crystal are throwing a last-minute party. Not too many people, but it should be a good time. I’ve got an Uber picking me up in half an hour. Wanna come?”</p><p>Luke smiles weakly, shaking his head. “No, I’m good. Thanks, though. Have fun.”</p><p>“You sure?” Ashton asks as he threads over the threshold, keeping one hand on the door. “You haven’t seen Mike in weeks. Have you talked to him at all?”</p><p>“We’ve texted a bit,” Luke says. “Talked to him on the phone for a bit last week. Or maybe early this week. I don’t remember.”</p><p>“Right. Yeah. Okay,” Ashton says, nodding slowly. “I think he’d like to see you, though, and not to put words in your mouth or thoughts in your head, but I think it’d be good for you to see him, too.” There’s a beat of silence before he adds, “And he and Crystal are getting serious. Michael’s mentioned wanting to ask her to move in, so she’s probably not going anywhere anytime soon. She’s a great girl, she’s good for him, she makes him happy. Maybe it’s time you get to know her a little better, now that… things have changed.”</p><p>Luke diverts his gaze to the mattress before he answers. “Yeah. Maybe.”</p><p>“Think about it, okay?” Ashton remains in his spot for another few seconds before he steps out of the room, closing the door behind himself as he goes.</p><p>Once left in his own company, Luke falls back on the bed, eyes glued to the ceiling. He’s never had anything against Crystal; she’s always struck him as a sweet girl, all easy smiles and genuine laughs, and she possesses knowledge about the most random topics, which he finds oddly fascinating in a person. But he barely knows her, hardly ever got a chance to talk properly to her before an argument would break out between her and Arzaylea, and he found himself forced to take sides. It’s a damn miracle, he reckons, that it never buried a solid wedge between himself and Michael. There were small wedges, creating tension from time to time, but said wedges never stuck.</p><p>He wonders what it would be like to actually get a chance to talk to her, to apologise for the drama he unwittingly brought into her life. Does she even remember any of it anymore? <i>Should</i> he apologise or would that do nothing but drag up long-since buried problems? Or does she still carry the memories around in the back of her head, silently resenting Luke and fully prepared to continue doing so until he mans up and tells her he’s sorry? He pictures Michael’s face during all those arguments, all big eyes and soft smiles as he flung an arm around Crystal’s shoulders, holding her close while doing a fine job of hiding the resentment coursing through his bones. A fine job, but not one fine enough to fool Luke. Never that fine.</p><p>Heaving himself back up into a sitting position, Luke forces back the flood of negative thoughts threatening to take over before he rises to his feet. Rooting through the closet, in which he as late as yesterday put his clothes, he locates a pair of black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt ridden with holes by the neckline, and gets changed. He darts to the bathroom and makes quick work of putting on deodorant and dragging some product through his hair to keep it from falling into his eyes, before he pads out to the lounge.</p><p>Ashton’s on the couch, a guitar in his lap. He’s not doing much, just strumming quietly while humming to himself, but he appears to be lost in thought. Though he’s dressed and styled to party, his entire being, from the slump of his shoulders to the way his bare toes are curled into the fuzzy carpet, tells another tale. A far more vulnerable one that Luke doesn’t know how to, or even if he <i>should</i>, try and read or interpret. Not right now, at least.</p><p>“When’s the Uber gonna be here?”</p><p>Like he already knew Luke was standing there, Ashton turns his head with no hint of surprise in the smile he offers. “Any minute now. You changed your mind.”</p><p>It’s not a question, but Luke answers it nonetheless. “Yeah. Dunno how long I’ll stay, but it’ll be good to see Mike again. And Crystal. Is Cal gonna be there?”</p><p>“Yeah, he’ll be there.” Putting the guitar down on the floor, Ashton stands up and walks towards his bedroom. “Just gotta grab some socks. Go find your shoes, I’ll be down in a minute.”</p><p>Luke’s been ready to go, his mind wandering into numerous unwelcome territories, for a solid five minutes when Ashton comes sprinting down the stairs. Slipping into a pair of boots, he grabs his leather jacket from a peg on the wall, flinging it over his shoulder as he strolls out the front door with a, “Come on, lead singer of mine, we’re gonna party!”</p><p>While not quite in the mood to party, Luke can’t help but laugh as he follows Ashton out the door.</p><p>The Uber drops them off a fair few paces away from Michael’s house, at Ashton’s instruction, and Luke has to stifle a snort when Ashton nearly stumbles out of the car and has to steady himself against a tree.</p><p>“Did a couple of pre-party drinks, huh?” Luke asks as the car drives off and they start making their way up the street.</p><p>“Shots,” Ashton corrects as his shoulder bumps into Luke’s. “Pre-party <i>shots</i>, Luke. Whiskey.”</p><p>“Whiskey’s not meant to be shot,” Luke says as he flings an arm around Ashton’s shoulders. “If you wanna shot something, go tequila or vodka or Sambuca. Not whiskey.”</p><p>“Whatever. If it’s alcohol, it goes down,” Ashton says, freeing himself from Luke’s hold as Michael’s house appears in their eyesight. Running ahead with Luke trailing behind, Ashton punches in the code to open the gates separating Michael’s house from the street. Once a click reaches their ears, Ashton straightens up and pushes the gate open, holding it open for Luke to step through before he follows behind.</p><p>Michael’s front door is wide open, letting out a dull, steady stream of noise made up by music and people talking and laughing. As he kicks his shoes off and places them neatly in an unoccupied corner, Luke can feel his nerves starting to act up, tightening in his abdomen. It’s going to be okay, he reminds himself; he’ll have a drink and stick to Ashton, Michael and Calum, and if it all comes to be too much, he’ll order an Uber to take him back to Ashton’s. He’s not stuck here, he can easily get out if necessary.</p><p>“Ready?” Ashton asks as he steps past Luke, giving his shoulder a quick squeeze as he leaves the entrance hall in favour of the hallway that will take them to the lounge.</p><p>“Sure,” Luke says, more to himself than to Ashton. He hesitates for a beat before he gets his feet moving, following a couple of paces behind Ashton. It’s both a relief and a source of dread when Luke realises that Ashton wasn’t lying when he said that it was just a small party. There really aren’t that many people present in the lounge, maybe about twenty of them scattered about, and while Luke appreciates the low-key vibe, he truly detests how almost everyone in the room stops talking and turns their heads when he and Ashton enter. What’s even worse is that almost all of the said head-turners look at Luke rather than Ashton, and he only manages to look back at them for a few seconds before he bows his head to stare at his feet.</p><p>“I’m just gonna…” he mumbles to Ashton, gesturing towards the kitchen before he walks away. Slowly, but surely, the conversations pick back up, but Luke’s still grateful to discover that the kitchen’s void of people. An assortment of bottles and cans are standing on the dining table, and he locates a bottle of Don Nacho, grabs a glass and pours himself a more than generous drink. Pressing the palm of his hand to the table, he takes a sip, closing his eyes as the liquid slides down his throat, warming him up from the inside out.</p><p>A single set of footsteps approach him from behind, and when he turns around, he finds Michael standing a metre or so away. “Sorry about that,” Michael says. “The staring.”</p><p>“Sorry for running away from the staring,” Luke says, smiling wryly. “I just… you know.”</p><p>Smiling back, Michael closes in the distance between them pulling Luke in for a brief, one-armed hug. “I know, yeah,” he says once he’s let go. “I’m no stranger to anxiety. Nor to being holed up in a house or a room for so long that the anxiety worsens exponentially.”</p><p>Luke nods, taking a sip of tequila. “Yeah. Thanks.”</p><p>“How are you doing?”</p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>Luke has another sip, swallows, then rolls his lips. “No. But I will be.”</p><p>“Just give it time and some effort and you will be, yeah,” Michael says. “How’s living with Ashton?”</p><p>“He gets up at fuck o’clock every day and starts drumming or vacuuming or making smoothies, but he makes me dinner and reminds me to change my sheets and occasionally even does my laundry, so… it’s alright,” Luke says. There are more words at the tip of his tongue, words about how it’s nice to know that even when he’s in his bedroom or alone in the lounge, he finds comfort in knowing that he’s not actually alone in the house, that if he wants to talk or just someone to sit with, Ashton’s right there. None of those words make it out, but there’s a knowing look in Michael’s eyes that tells Luke that he understands nonetheless.</p><p>“Good,” Michael says. “And in case you were wondering, we didn’t decide to stick you with him because Cal and I didn’t want you around or anything.”</p><p>“Oh.” Luke blinks. “I wasn’t thinking that, but… good to know.” Tilting his head to the side, he asks, “Why <i>did</i> you stick me with him? Not that I’m complaining, but now that you’ve brought it up, I’m kinda… curious.”</p><p>Walking over to the kitchen counter, Michael leans back against it with his elbows. “Cal already has Roy living with him, and we figured that having to tiptoe around two people, one of whom you don’t know that well, wasn’t ideal, and... well, we didn’t know how long this was all gonna last, and Crystal’s moving in here in August, which wouldn’t be an ideal setting for a roommate, you know?”</p><p>“Crystal’s moving in?” Luke asks, a smile stretching over his lips. “Ash mentioned that it was probably gonna happen, but he didn’t— doesn’t matter. Congrats, man.”</p><p>Michael grins. “Yeah, thanks. I asked her yesterday, and she said yes.”</p><p>“Does she know what kind of gremlin she’s about to share living quarters with, though? I could fill her in, if you want me to.”</p><p>“I think Cal already did his worst, but sure, go ahead.”</p><p>"I have better stories than he does," Luke dismisses. "Don't worry, I'll make sure she knows what she's getting herself into."</p><p>Luke has finished his drink and poured himself another before he lets Michael lead the way back to the lounge. Making sure to keep his gaze locked on Michael’s back, just in case someone throws him a curious glance, he clutches his drink tightly, finding some sort of solace in it. They find Ashton, accompanied by two girls, sitting on one of the couch’s armrests. God knows where he got the drink he’s sipping on from.</p><p>“There you are,” Ashton says as he rises to his feet and flings an arm around Luke’s shoulders. Judging by the way he’s leaning his body heavily against Luke’s, Luke thinks there’s a fair chance that Ashton hasn’t eaten much today and that the drink he’s currently holding isn’t his first since they arrived.</p><p>“Here I am,” Luke says, offering the two girls a smile that he hopes doesn’t look as awkward as it feels.</p><p>“Oh, right, yeah,” Ashton says. “This is Kaitlin—” He gestures to the girl on the right, whose shoulder-length hair is pink, then to the other one, whose black hair is falling almost to her waist, and adds, “—and Sierra.”</p><p>“Hi,” Luke says with a slight wave, and yeah, that was definitely awkward. He wants to kick himself. “I’m Luke. Who— or, I mean, how do you know Michael?”</p><p>“I know Crystal from work and brought Sierra here as my plus one,” Kaitlin says. “And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll call me KayKay.”</p><p>“I don’t know what’s good for me, but… okay, sure.” Ashton snorts, almost directly into Luke’s ear, making him grimace. “Go breathe on someone else, you dick.”</p><p>“No, thanks,” Ashton says before blowing a gust of air against Luke’s cheek.</p><p>Luke sighs, but doesn’t move away. He'd rather stay where he is and be breathed on than leave for someplace else and be left to his own devices. Turning his attention to the two girls, he plasters on another smile. He opens his mouth to ask what it is they do, but KayKay beats him to it.</p><p>Lifting a camera that she has apparently been holding in her hand all along, she asks, “Do you mind? The lighting in here is really nice and you two look sweet.”</p><p>Luke grimaces. “You’re not gonna… I don’t know, put it on some platform for all the world to see, are you?”</p><p>“Nah, I just want it for hobby-purposes,” she says, and for some reason, Luke believes her. Maybe he’s tipsier than he thought. “I can send you a couple of edits of it tomorrow if it comes out nice if you want, and you can do whatever you want with it.”</p><p>“I… yeah, alright,” Luke says. Clearing his throat, he straightens his back a little and does his best to conjure up a smile while Ashton presses his forehead to the side of his head. KayKay points her camera at them, fiddles with a couple of buttons on it for a bit, then there’s a click, audible even over the chatter, laughter and music, signalising that <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BVBVzeVHtlG/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">a photo</a> has been snapped. She tells them to stay still for a bit longer, snapping a few more photos, before lowering the camera and thanking them.</p><p>“Do you have an email address or something I can reach you at?” she asks. When Luke frowns, she adds, “If you want me to send you the photos.”</p><p>“Oh. Right. Do you have something I can write on?”</p><p>Pulling a phone out of her pocket, she unlocks it, then hands it to him, and he opens the notepad app to type in his email address. As he gives her the phone back, he says, “Please don’t leak it anywhere.”</p><p>“I think you’re overestimating your own fame,” Sierra says, opening her mouth for the first time. She has a wide smile plastered on her face, and it’s so bright and, frankly, gorgeous that Luke can’t help but return it.</p><p>“Don’t underestimate our fans’ dedication to getting in touch with us in any shape or form,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Hm, yeah,” Luke says. “Remember when a fan somehow got a hold of your number and called you while we were doing a Twitcam back in the day?”</p><p>Ashton laughs. “Oh, yeah. She was sweet, though.”</p><p>“They usually are, to be fair,” Luke says. Freeing himself from Ashton’s arm, he slumps down on the couch. “Doesn’t mean I want my email address leaked.”</p><p>“Wasn’t it a thing a few years back where a whole bunch of celebs had their iClouds hacked?” Sierra asks. “Like, they all had their nudes spread for the whole world to see.”</p><p>Throwing his head back, Luke barks out a laugh. “Shit, I’d totally forgotten about that,” he says. “Not that it’s funny, necessarily, but…”</p><p>“But it was kinda funny,” Sierra says while she steps around the couch to sit down next to Luke. “None of you fell victims to it?”</p><p>“Well, like you so kindly pointed out, we’re not <i>that</i> famous,” Luke says. “And I don’t know if we were famous at all at the time. When was it? 2012?”</p><p>“2014, I think.”</p><p>Snorting, Luke takes a sip of his drink. “Same year that Cal had his wiener go viral, then, in a completely unrelated leaking incident.”</p><p>“Fucking hell, is that still a thing we talk about?”</p><p>Tipping his head back, Luke grins up at Calum, who’s standing right behind him. “Damn straight it is,” he says. “And it will be until it stops being funny.”</p><p>Sitting down on the armrest next to Luke, Calum rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t that funny.”</p><p>“How is having your boner showcased all over the internet not funny?” Luke asks.</p><p>“It’s called a totally unwelcome invasion of privacy,” Calum says dryly.</p><p>“Maybe you should have thought of that before you filmed yourself grabbing your… thing and sending it to a virtual stranger,” Sierra chimes in.</p><p>Luke snorts while Calum groans. “So, you saw it,” Calum says.</p><p>“It was hard not to,” Sierra says with an easy shrug. “Kinda went everywhere, didn’t it?”</p><p>“What went everywhere?” Michael’s voice comes from behind them.</p><p>Calum groans again, while Luke and Sierra burst out laughing. It feels nice, Luke reckons, to just… laugh, for no other reason than that he’s having fun. Try as he might, he’s struggling to remember the last time he did that, and while it feels good, it also feels foreign and almost scary in a way. How long will the feeling be permitted to stay before something, someone or a destructive figment of his own psyche comes along, intent on ripping it away?</p><p>There’s a moment, when the clock’s approaching midnight and Crystal comes up to him that he thinks that that might be it, that this is when his good mood goes crashing to the ground. But she’s all smiles as she pulls him in for a tight, long hug, and when she pulls back, she says softly, “It’s so good to see you.” He wants to apologise for something completely unspecific, wants her to know that he’s genuinely sorry about their relationship having been so distant and unfamiliar so far, but he can’t get the words out. Crystal seems to understand what’s going on in his head, though, as she smiles, pats his cheek and says, “Don’t worry about it, Luke, it’s water under the bridge.”</p><p>He catches himself wishing that could be said about every mistake he’s made over the last year. But it’s a long list, and for all of them to be declared water under the bridge, he’s going to have to construct a pretty fucking tall bridge first.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, July 2nd 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>“You look ridiculous,” Michael says.<p>Pulling the brim of his snapback further down and adjusting his sunglasses, Luke shrugs. He knows he’s being paranoid, knows that the chances of being spotted by a fan whilst seated in a secluded outside area of a tiny café in a slow neighbourhood are slim to none. Possessing this reassuring knowledge and making his body react accordingly, however, is a whole different matter. His hands won’t stop sweating and every time he spots a movement in the corner of his eye, his anxiety blows up like a balloon, only to deflate and leave him feeling hollow when he realises that it was just a waiter or an unassuming customer who neither knows nor cares who Luke is.</p><p>“Doing my best here, Michael,” he says.</p><p>Calum smiles weakly at him, and Ashton’s typing away on his phone, so Luke busies himself with his coffee while he waits for someone to speak up.</p><p>It’s Calum who does, in the end. “Are you doing anything for your birthday, Ash?” he asks.</p><p>“Of course I am,” Ashton says, his face lighting up on a bright smile. “Party at my place, obviously. My birthday happens to fall on a Friday this year, so it works out perfectly.”</p><p>Michael snorts softly. “Were you gonna invite us, or is it a party strictly for non-work related people?”</p><p>“Mhm, yeah. I’m throwing Luke out for the night so I can party with my non-work related friends. All two and a half of them.”</p><p>“Alright, the three of us will go out and have a drink in your honour, then,” Calum says, gesturing to himself, Michael and Luke in turn. “Should be a blast.”</p><p>“Sounds like it,” Ashton muses, taking a sip of his smoothie. “No, you’re both invited. Crystal as well, obviously. Oh, and those two friends of hers that were at yours last month, Mike. KayKay and Sierra, was it?”</p><p>Calum raises an eyebrow. “You’re struggling to remember their names, but you want them at your birthday party?”</p><p>“I was a little drunk, but I remember them being fun and cute,” Ashton says with a shrug of his shoulders. “So hell yeah I want them at my birthday party.”</p><p>“Can never have too many cute girls around,” Luke chimes in. “But yeah, they were fun. And cute.”</p><p>“Exactly. Thank you, Luke. Mind bringing the message along to Crystal, Mike, or do I have to hit her up myself?”</p><p>“You know what, I’ll do it for you as a special birthday favour, just because I love you.”</p><p>“Great,” Ashton says, raising his smoothie in a silent toast before he finishes it with a loud slurping sound.</p><p>Stretching out his fingers, making them crack, Luke smiles at no one in particular.</p><p>“Have you been back home since you… temporarily moved, Luke?” Michael asks after a comfortable few seconds of silence.</p><p>“Yeah, I… Ash took me over to fetch my stuff the day after you all came to… you know, get me,” Luke says and picks up his coffee with both hands. No one says anything, as if expecting him to continue, so he clears his throat and tries to think of the right words. “I’m not— I mean, I don’t really have anything to do there right now, you know? Since you don’t want me to go back to living there and… I don’t know. It’s not like I have a lot of fond memories connected to the place as of right now, nothing to miss about it really, and…” He trails off with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “Those walls have too many stories to tell, almost none of them good, and I just don’t wanna hear them. Not yet.”</p><p>“And you won’t have to until you’re ready,” Ashton says, and he sounds almost terse. When Luke looks at him, surprised at the tone, he realises that the terseness is directed at Michael, not him. “You can stay with me for as long as you need, doesn’t matter if it’s weeks or months or years.”</p><p>“Years?” Luke snorts. “Great, that’ll give the fans something to talk about — Lashton shacking up together for all eternity.”</p><p>“Let them talk,” Ashton says with a dismissive gesture of his hand. “What matters is that we get you back on your feet, not what people think.”</p><p>Calum and Ashton take off for a writing session a few minutes later, and Luke and Michael finish their drinks before Michael drives Luke back to Ashton’s.</p><p>“You have your car here, right?” Michael asks when he pulls to a stop outside Ashton’s house.</p><p>“Yeah, Ash and Cal went to pick it up a couple of weeks ago,” Luke says as he unfastens his seatbelt. “It’s in the driveway, I just forgot that Ash wouldn’t be going straight home today, and… I guess he did, too, so we carpooled.”</p><p>Michael hums. “RIght, yeah. Want me to come in or are you gonna be okay on your own?”</p><p>Luke smiles crookedly. “I can take care of myself, Michael. And I think my socialising quota for the day is spent, anyway. I’m just gonna take a nap, maybe try to write for a bit.”</p><p>“Okay, well, call me if you change your mind,” Michael says. “We’re having dinner at eight, Crystal’s cooking, you’re welcome to join us if you want. One of us could come pick you up if you don’t wanna drive, it’s no trouble.”</p><p>Despite knowing very well that he’s not going to take Michael up on the offer, Luke smiles and thanks him before he jumps out of the car and closes the door behind himself. He’s not omniscient, but he swears he can feel Michael’s eyes on his neck as he makes his way up the driveway and unlocks the front door.</p><p>The silence inside is deafening. In an attempt to escape it, Luke grabs the first vinyl he can find and puts it on, cranking the volume as loud as his ears can take before he goes to the bathroom and gets in the shower. He can still hear the music, despite the closed door separating him from its source and the sound of the falling water drumming in his ears, and he’s grateful for the distractions.</p><p>He’s tired, he concludes when he returns to the lounge, dressed in clean clothes while his hair drips water onto his shoulders. Not in a way that makes him want to go to sleep, but in a way that leaves him unwilling and possibly unable to do anything but sit on the couch, huddled under a blanket, while episode after episode of <i>Family Guy</i> plays on the TV. For what feels like the hundredth day in a row, he responds to a text from his mum asking if he’s okay; he doesn’t have the conscience to ignore it, not after the scare he gave her. Scrolling through Reddit, his mind more or less blank, he upvotes a couple of posts and responds to another, and it doesn’t give him anything but something to do with his hands, which feel restless in a way. Restless hands, limp body; he finds it odd. </p><p>The urge to open Twitter and Instagram hits him like a wave several times, and he wants to do it, wants to see if the fans have caught onto the fact that something’s amiss with Luke. That’s the self-absorbed part of him. Another part, the self-destructive and masochistic one, wants to see if Arzaylea has posted anything about him, or about her new boyfriend. He wants to <i>know</i> if she has happily moved on, or if she’s busy slamming him in every way imaginable. Maybe the self-absorbed part of him plays a role in that urge, too.</p><p>It comes to be too much at one point, just when the sun is starting to set, and his finger is hovering shakily over the Twitter-icon. But like an angel sent from above, Ashton comes trotting up the stairs just then with a call of, “Luke? You here?”</p><p>Quickly putting his phone down, Luke straightens up slightly just as Ashton walks into his field of vision. “Hey,” he says, doing his best to return the smile Ashton shoots his way on his way to the kitchen. “How did it go?”</p><p>“Hold on,” Ashton says and holds up a finger before he fetches himself a glass of water and joins Luke on the couch. “It went really well.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Luke asks. “Do tell.”</p><p>“We met up with Julia and Nolan, and—”</p><p>“Nolan?”</p><p>“Lambroza.”</p><p>“Oh, right, yeah. Continue.”</p><p>“Remember that line I showed you last month?”</p><p>Knitting his eyebrows together, Luke roots through his memory. “Something about… something getting loud?”</p><p>Ashton nods. “Yeah. Cal wrote that line, right? And I’ve been trying to write more based on it, but inspiration hasn’t quite struck, you know?”</p><p>“No, I’ve never experienced that, no idea what you’re talking about,” Luke says flatly.</p><p>Snorting, Ashton shakes his head. “Okay, smartass. <i>Anyway</i>, I got some inspo earlier today when we all had coffee.”</p><p>Luke’s eyebrows shoot up on their own accord. “What? From… from where, exactly? We’re not putting a song about veggie smoothies on the album, Ash.”</p><p>“From something you said, actually.”</p><p>Once again, Luke racks his brain, but he comes up short. “I don’t remember saying anything inspiration-worthy, to be honest, but… okay. What did I say?”</p><p>Ashton smiles as he reaches into his pocket and comes up with a folded sheet of paper that he hands to Luke. “It’s not finished quite yet, but the skeleton’s all there,” he says as Luke unfolds the paper hesitantly. “And the most important organs and muscles.”</p><p>“Maybe stop comparing song writing to the human anatomy,” Luke says. He looks down at the paper, at the lines and dots and crossed out words that are covering the entire surface, and his own words, while paraphrased, look right back. Nodding slowly as he reads through what’s marked as the chorus, he mumbles, “Oh…”</p><p>“Is it okay?” Ashton asks. “We’ll give you writing credits if you want that, of course.”</p><p>“No, no, it’s not that, and… I’d rather you didn’t, actually.” </p><p>Of all the songs that the four of them have written, whether alone or in duos or all four together, this is a first for Luke: To have a bandmate draw inspiration from an offhanded comment that <i>he</i> made. But offhanded as the comment was, the feelings and thoughts behind it certainly weren’t. They’ve been plaguing him on and off since he last set foot in his own house.</p><p>“If these walls could talk, I’d hope they wouldn’t say anything, because they’ve seen way too many things,” he mumbles, mostly to himself as he trails his fingers along the letters. “‘Cause we’d fall from grace, we’re falling; yeah, we’d fall from grace.” Blinking once, twice, he looks up and finds Ashton’s eyes on him, a hint of nervousness in his smile. Luke nods. “Yeah, it’s… it’s really good. Did you write this?”</p><p>“Got some help from Julia, but yeah. We showed it to Cal and Nolan and they wrote the first verse. The second verse isn’t quite there yet and the bridge needs some work, but… like I said, the skeleton’s all there. For the lyrics, at least.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s… yeah. Really good.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Ashton says, his smile widening. “And you’re okay with being used as inspo?”</p><p>Luke laughs softly as he lowers the paper to his lap. “Kinda what we do, isn’t it? Draw inspiration from… you know, whatever shit we’re going through. Or have gone through in the past.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Folding his legs up next to himself, Ashton’s eyes flicker to the TV for a beat. “It’s… the words are kinda yours, but I reckon the lyrics are pretty universal for anyone who’s struggled with something, you know? And most people have, yeah? You, me, Cal, Michael, our families, the fans, everyone. If someone’s ever struggled with something or experienced something bad and feels ashamed or scared or powerless to deal with it, I think those lyrics will speak to them.”</p><p>Ashton’s voice grows softer as he talks, and by the end, it’s barely audible over the low buzzing of sounds coming from the TV. Narrowing his eyes slightly, Luke bites down on his bottom lip before he asks, somewhat apprehensively, “Look, I… I know you’re all focused on <i>me</i> not being okay right now, but… are <i>you</i> okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Ashton says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’m fine. I’m just saying that the lyrics are relatable for a lot of people who struggle with different things.”</p><p>While not entirely convinced, Luke decides not to push it. “They are, yeah. Is there any music yet?”</p><p>“A little bit, but not a lot,” Ashton says. “We’re going back in to continue on Tuesday, so maybe then. What about you? Have you… written anything?”</p><p>“Not really,” Luke says, and it’s only a half-lie; he has written some things here and there, but he doesn’t see how any of it’s useful unless they want a number of songs that are so pathetically desperate that Luke’s fourteen-year-old, hormonal, dramatic persona would declare them too angsty.</p><p>“Maybe we should do a session one day, just you and me?” Ashton suggests. “Get something in our systems to help us loosen up and see what comes of it?”</p><p>Luke smiles crookedly. “Maybe, yeah. Could be fun. Or potentially disastrous.”</p><p>“Well, we don’t know until we try,” Ashton says matter-of-factly. “Wanna watch a movie? I think we have popcorn, should be in the drawer under the coffee maker.”</p><p>“Yeah, sounds good,” Luke says. He throws one last glance at the paper and the knowing words written on it before he folds it up and hands it back to Ashton. “You find a movie and I’ll fix the popcorn.”</p><p>As he rises to his feet and goes searching for the promised popcorn, he smiles weakly for no one’s benefit but his own. His daily socialising quota may be spent, but it doesn’t seem like it matters when it comes to Ashton.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Compared to the chapter notes for the first two parts, these are gonna be short (maybe I just feel the need to prove that I <i>can</i> shut up every once in a while; who knows?). I just wanna say thank you so, so much to those of you who have read, left kudos, commented and/or reblogged the Tumblr-post so far (if you belong in the latter category, know that I see your tags and I appreciate them so much), it lights things up in an otherwise dreary world♥</p><p>I also have to say that European as I am, I’ve never set foot in the US and I don’t know shit about LA geography; there’s a section about halfway through this part that ventures into LA as a place (though it’s very vaguely described), and while I tried to do my research, there’s a chance that I messed up, and for that I apologise in advance. Oh, <i>and</i> in case anyone feels like fact checking stuff — no, the pictures Luke posted to his IG from his birthday in 2017 weren’t posted until July 19th, but in fic time it happens on July 17th, so… artistic liberty and all that😌</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Come talk on Tumblr if you wanna!♥</a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, July 7th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke wakes up a little before eleven a.m. on Ashton’s birthday to the sound of Ashton yelling, “Happy birthday to me!” at the top of his lungs somewhere on the other side of the door. Snorting out a laugh, he rolls out of bed and gets dressed in the first clothes he finds on the floor before he exits the bedroom and follows Ashton’s voice through the house. Completely unsurprisingly, he finds Ashton in the kitchen, still singing as he pours pancake batter into a frying pan.<p>“Is it your birthday or something?” Luke asks as he walks up to Ashton and gives him a quick sideways hug.</p><p>Leaning into the hug for a moment, Ashton grins. “What gave it away?”</p><p>“Oh, nothing in particular,” Luke says airily. “Happy birthday, though. Making your own birthday breakfast?”</p><p>“I wanted it to be edible, so yeah,” Ashton says. “No offense, but asking you to do it would undoubtedly lead to us both getting food poisoning and I’m so old that who knows if I’d even survive that.”</p><p>Luke groans and gives Ashton’s shoulder a gentle shove. “You have to stop saying shit like that, especially in public, because I’m pretty sure our entire fanbase think I can’t even boil water without fucking up. I might not be particularly talented in the kitchen, but I can manage the basics.”</p><p>“Yeah, but it’s much more fun to keep pretending you’re as useless now as the day we left Australia,” Ashton says. “Remember the first meal you tried to cook without your mum supervising?”</p><p>As he grabs himself a mug and fills it with coffee from the steaming pot, Luke laughs. “Spaghetti with hot dogs, no sauce or anything, wasn’t it?”</p><p>“The spaghetti wound up as a sticky, uncooked lump and the hot dogs somehow dissolved and became semi-liquid.”</p><p>“My finest hour,” Luke says, raising his mug in a silent toast before he takes a careful sip. “What are your plans for the day?”</p><p>“Not a lot,” Ashton says. He flips the pancake out of the pan and onto a plate next to the stove. “People are coming over at six. Or, I told them six at least. Until then… just get everything ready, I guess. I have to go buy more gin and rum, thought we had loads, but turns out we’re pretty much out, and oh yeah, balloons. I want balloons.”</p><p>“Because you’re turning five.”</p><p>“Just for that unnecessarily judgemental comment, you’re gonna help me inflate them. Every single one. All one-hundred-and-fifty.”</p><p>“I— no, we’re not inflating one-hundred-and-fifty balloons,” Luke says firmly. “No fucking way. We’ll get lightheaded and pass out.”</p><p>“Not if we take our time,” Ashton says as he waves a spatula Luke’s general direction. “It’s my birthday and I want so many balloons that people will have difficulty navigating themselves around here. Now go sit down and I’ll bring you over some pancakes.”</p><p>The balloon argument continues as they eat, and it’s not until Ashton returns from his bedroom after having gotten changed and tosses his car keys at Luke with a, “You drive,” that Luke understands why.</p><p>“You’ve been drinking already,” he states as he raises an eyebrow at Ashton. </p><p>“It’s my birthday.”</p><p>Luke snorts. “And now you need me to drive you to pick up alcohol and balloons.”</p><p>“A hundred-and-fifty balloons,” Ashton says, flashing Luke a lopsided grin. </p><p>Luke feels extremely unobservant all of a sudden; now that he knows, he can clearly see the pink tint in Ashton’s cheeks and the slightly too joyful glint in his eyes. A telltale sign of at least three units consumed on an empty stomach, possibly four.</p><p>“Why don’t you just stay here and continue celebrating yourself, and I’ll go by myself?” Luke says and tosses the car keys back to Ashton and stands up. “What is it you need again?”</p><p>“Two bottles of gin, three bottles of rum, and a hundred-and—”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, balloons, I’ve got it,” Luke cuts in as he steps past Ashton on his way to his bedroom; he’s not entirely certain any liquor store will sell him anything if he shows up in trackies and a possibly stained t-shirt.</p><p>“Thanks, Luke!” Ashton calls after him, and Luke gives him a wave over his shoulder.</p><p>Exchanging the trackies and ratty t-shirt for a pair of jeans and a hoodie, Luke makes sure that his fake ID is in his wallet before he grabs his own car keys from where they’ve been lying untouched on his dresser for the last three weeks or so. He realises with a slightly sickening jolt that he hasn’t sat behind the wheel for at least two months, and as he slips his shoes on and gets into the driver’s seat, he prays that he hasn’t forgotten how to drive. He has a feeling that him crashing into something or someone and landing himself in the hospital might put a slight damper on Ashton’s birthday celebration.</p><p>As it turns out, he hasn’t forgotten how to drive, which is a far bigger relief than it should be. He steers the car in the direction of the closest liquor store he can think of, and arrives after about ten minutes. It’s as he turns the keys in the ignition and swipes his eyes over the semi-full parking lot that his pulse picks up and a wave of nausea washes over him so suddenly that it renders him dizzy. Leaning his forehead against the steering wheel, he draws a deep breath, and his entire body shakes with it.</p><p>Why it didn’t occur to him sooner that up until just now, he hasn’t left the secure sanctity of a house alone to go anywhere than for strolls around the neighbourhood in about two months is beyond him. But it occurs to him now, with a force that hits him square in the chest. Even with his eyes closed, his head is spinning and he feels weak from top to bottom, as if every muscle in his body has decided to atrophy all at once. A familiar tightness expands in his upper chest, but it’s far more intense and overpowering than he’s ever experienced it before, and it’s making it difficult to breathe.</p><p>Clutching the steering wheel so hard it makes his knuckles hurt, he whimpers in part desperation to get more oxygen to his lungs, part fear of what the hell is happening. Is he dying? Reaching for his phone, he forces his head up an inch and scrambles to unlock the screen with trembling fingers before he opens his contact list and scrolls down for the first name that comes to mind. His hand is so sweaty he’s barely able to hold the phone steady against his ear as he waits for Michael to pick up.</p><p>It only takes a few rings before he does, with a cheerful, “<i>Hey, what’s up?</i>”</p><p>“I— I can’t breathe,” Luke gasps. “Michael, I can’t— <i>breathe</i>.”</p><p>“<i>What?</i>” Michael asks, all cheerfulness gone in an instant. “<i>What do you mean you can’t— fucking shit, where are you?</i>”</p><p>Luke’s lungs feel like they’re being squeezed, and he whimpers again. “Liquor store,” he forces out. “I— picking up stuff, I’m i— in my car, and I— I’m alone. I can’t <i>breathe</i>, I feel sick, it— wha— what’s happening?”</p><p>“<i>Okay, alright, listen to me,</i>” Michael says. “<i>Focus on what I’m saying, okay? Listen to my voice.</i>” Luke’s only able to make a choked noise in response. “<i>Pretty sure you’re having a panic attack and I know it feels like you’re gonna die, but it’s gonna be alright, so just— okay, I’m gonna breathe with you, try and follow my pattern, and do your best to focus on that and nothing else. Got it?</i>”</p><p>“Mhm,” Luke wheezes. His face is slick with sweat and the urge to vomit or black out is getting stronger by the second. But Michael has started breathing in an exaggeratedly loud manner, inhales and exhales coming and going steadily. Luke struggles to follow along, his chest feels too tight, his body hyper aware of the fact that he’s in his car in a damn public parking lot and that <i>anyone</i> could see him having a breakdown. But Michael continues, he’s still <i>there</i>, and Luke somehow manages to pull it together enough to focus on that and that alone.</p><p>He has no idea how long he sits there, inhaling shakily and exhaling even more shakily, before his body starts cooperating again. He’s still sweating profusely and his hands are still trembling, but at least he can breathe, and the dizziness and nausea start giving way for pure and utter relief.</p><p>“I— I think I’m… good, sorta,” he mumbles, still clinging to his phone like a lifeline as he straightens up and leans his head back. “Sorry, I… I’ve never had that happen to me before. I should’ve known what it was, but I just—”</p><p>“<i>I get it, I’ve been there,</i>” Michael interrupts. “<i>Are you able to get home on your own or do you want me to come pick you up?</i>”</p><p>“No, it’s fine. I just have to buy some gin and—”</p><p>“<i>Go straight home, Luke. No picking anything up.</i>”</p><p>“I have to, I told Ashton I would.”</p><p>“<i>What does he need?</i>”</p><p>“Two bottles of gin and three bottles of rum. White rum, I’m assuming. I didn’t ask. And balloons; he really wants balloons.”</p><p>“<i>Crys and I will pick it up on our way over there,</i>” Michael says. “<i>We’ll be there by five. Are you a hundred percent sure you’re good to drive?</i>”</p><p>“Yeah, I… yeah,” Luke says. He swallows and squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m just gonna sit here for a few minutes and I’ll be good.”</p><p>“<i>Want me to stay on the line with you?</i>”</p><p>Smiling unsteadily, Luke draws another deep breath. “No, it’s okay. But thanks, Michael. I… I really thought I was gonna die there for a moment and I— I don’t know. Maybe I kinda knew what was happening, because calling you was the first thing that came to mind.”</p><p>“<i>That’s me: Guitarist, singer and experienced panicker.</i>”</p><p>“Thank fuck,” Luke says, and he manages a tiny hint of a laugh.</p><p>“<i>Hm. Can I ask what triggered it?</i>”</p><p>Luke sighs as he drags the back of his hand over his forehead to wipe away the sweat that has yet to dry up. “I offered to pick up these things for Ashton, and I just… I don’t know. I haven’t gone to any kind of crowded place alone in a really, really long time, and it didn’t hit me until I’d parked and it— I guess it became too much to deal with without any preparation.”</p><p>“<i>Yeah, I get that,</i>” Michael says. “<i>I didn’t realise you had it that bad, though.</i>” Pause. “<i>That you were dealing with that level of anxiety.</i>”</p><p>“I haven’t been purposefully keeping it from you or anything,” Luke says quickly. “I just… it’s gotten better, I swear. I've been okay the last couple of times I’ve gone grocery shopping with Ashton, but I guess it was too soon to go out on my own.”</p><p>“<i>At least you tried, even if it wasn’t on purpose. Maybe give it some more time before you try again, though.</i>”</p><p>“Yeah, I will,” Luke says. “I should get back.”</p><p>“<i>Alright. We can talk more tonight if you want.</i>”</p><p>“Sounds like a solid way of really raising the mood,” Luke says as he turns the keys in the ignition and puts the gear in reverse.</p><p>“<i>I didn’t say we had to broadcast the fucking conversation,</i>” Michael laughs. “<i>I’ll see you later, okay? Call me if you need anything before then.</i>”</p><p>“Thanks,” Luke says softly and waits for Michael to give a hum in response before he ends the call, fastens his seatbelt and pulls out of the parking lot.</p><p>He stays well beneath the speed limit all the way back to Ashton’s, and it's nearing one o’clock by the time he parks his car in the driveway. With a weak feeling in his bones that he typically associates with hangovers, he heads inside, leaving his shoes in the entrance hall before he pads up the stairs. Ashton’s sitting on the couch, a glass of whiskey in his hand while a music video that Luke doesn’t recognise plays on the TV.</p><p>“Took you long enough,” Ashton says when Luke sits down next to him.</p><p>“Sorry,” Luke says. “I didn’t… get the stuff. Michael and Crystal are bringing it over later, though.”</p><p>“What?” Ashton asks as his eyebrows draw together. “Why didn’t you—”</p><p>“I had a panic attack.”</p><p>Ashton’s face falls slowly, and he puts his drink on the coffee table before turning to face Luke fully. “How come?” he asks softly. His eyes are the faintest bit unfocused, but they’re as kind and alert as always as they regard Luke.</p><p>“Because…” Luke trails off and chuckles weakly before he reaches for Ashton’s drink and downs half of it in one large gulp. He grimaces as the fiery liquid slides down his throat, and breathes in deep through his nose. “You weren’t with me,” he then says. “No one was, and I haven’t… I just— I lost it. It just happened.”</p><p>Ashton’s lips part slightly on a barely audible, “Oh…” He grabs the drink from Luke’s hand and swallows down the rest in one go. He barely makes a face. “I’m sorry,” he says as he puts the empty glass on the table. “I should’ve thought of that before I let you go out on your own, but it didn’t occur to me and I’m… I’m really sorry, Luke. I shouldn’t have let you put yourself in that position.”</p><p>“Let me,” Luke repeats with a quiet huff. “I appreciate the… general premise you’re trying to get across here, Ash, but I’m still an adult, remember? You’re not <i>letting</i> me do anything but make my own choices.”</p><p>“No, but if I’d thought more about you and less about the party, I would have gone with you,” Ashton says. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Do you want me to cancel the party and we can just—”</p><p>“What?” Luke demands, face contorting into a grimace of incredulousness. “No! Absolutely not, Jesus Christ. I— I’m looking forward to seeing people, and… if it gets to be too much, I’ll just retreat to my room, yeah?”</p><p>Ashton takes a few seconds to observe Luke, as if looking for signs of doubt on his face, before he nods. “Okay. Wanna watch <i>Shrek</i> and make a drinking game out of it while we wait for people to show up? Oh, and we have to get some dinner. Wanna order Thai food?”</p><p>They end up comfortably drunk and with their bellies full of noodles before the clock strikes four thirty, and Luke suddenly realises that he has yet to actually get ready for the party. Rising to his feet, admittedly a little unsteadily, he stalks into the bathroom, sheds his clothes and takes what feels like a very, very quick shower before he runs naked into his bedroom and dives into the closet. He resurfaces with a pair of tight, black slacks and a semi-sheer white shirt, the latter of which he leaves unbuttoned from his chest and up before he heads back into the bathroom to attempt to do something intelligent with his hair.</p><p>“Your hair’s a mess,” Ashton says as soon as Luke returns. “And half your chest is on display.”</p><p>“It’s sexy, shut up,” Luke says. He fetches himself another drink from the kitchen before slumping down next to Ashton. “Continue the movie, please.” Said movie is <i>Shrek 2</i>, and they’re almost halfway through it when the doorbell rings, and Ashton jumps up to go open the door. He returns a short while later with Michael, Crystal and their supplies in hand, and announces, far too happily, that it’s time to inflate the balloons.</p><p>They blow up a ridiculous number of balloons while sipping their respective drinks, and Ashton declares himself happy when the entire lounge floor is covered. Michael is lying in the midst of it all on his back, panting like a wounded animal.</p><p>“You’re so sexy sometimes,” Ashton says as he offers Michael a hand to help pull him up.</p><p>“Don’t I know it,” Michael says. He lets himself get dragged to his feet before he brushes some imaginary dust off his pants and pads over to the couch to join Crystal. “Never thought I’d get winded from blowing up balloons. Maybe it’s time I crank up the intensity of my workouts.”</p><p>“Wanna start going for runs together?” Luke asks as he plonks himself down next to Crystal. Ashton follows a moment later. “I think I have to get into some sort of workout regime soon if I wanna get back in shape without my body putting up too much of a fight.”</p><p>Ashton rolls his eyes. “Because you’re so pudgy now?”</p><p>“No, but it’s not about that, it’s about taking care of your body,” Luke says.</p><p>“He says while working on his fifth glass of tequila in as many hours,” Ashton laughs. “Good going, Luke; you’re a picture of health.”</p><p>Luke grabs a throw pillow and whacks Ashton over the head with it.</p><p>People start showing up not long after that, and when the clock rounds seven, the house is borderline full and someone has taken it upon themselves to toss a large number of the balloons out the window. Luke is more than just a little drunk by that point, and he finds himself sitting on the floor, leaned against the back of the couch while a guy he can’t for the life of him remember the name of tells the tale of how his girlfriend cheated on him last week and how he has no idea how to get over it.</p><p>“Been there, mate,” Luke says as he clinks his glass against the guy’s. “To be fair I cheated, too. Twice.” The admission is a testament to how he should watch his alcohol intake while there are strangers present; for all he knows, this guy could run straight to the press or take to Twitter tomorrow and retell the whole world what Luke just told him. He can’t bring himself to care, though; so what if the world finds out?</p><p>“Either you’re both shitty people or you were <i>really</i> bad for each other,” the guy says, and his words come out slightly slurred. “Or are you both notorious cheaters? Like… once a cheater, always a cheater?”</p><p>Luke shakes his head while jutting out his bottom lip. “No. I mean… I don’t know about her, but I’m not a notorious cheater. And I don’t know if I believe in that whole ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’-thing, anyway. Or, it might be true for some people, but I think there’s often a reason why people cheat, like if the relationship’s a bad one or an unhappy one or an unsatisfying one and not that that’s, like, an excuse, but… it doesn’t necessarily mean one will cheat on every partner one has.”</p><p>“Maybe,” the guy mumbles. “Viv never gave me an explanation. Just came home one day and told me she was seeing someone else before she grabbed the stuff she had at my place and left. Haven’t heard from her since. We were together for almost a year and a half, and I thought we were happy, but I guess she wasn’t, guess I wasn’t enough for her or some shit, and that… it fucking sucks, man.” He sniffles and squeezes his eyes shut. “Shit. Sorry. I’m gonna go have a smoke.” He gets up, steadying himself with a hand on the couch, before he disappears in direction of the stairs.</p><p>Left to his own devices, Luke stands up as well and swipes his eyes across the room in search for someone familiar. He spots Michael, Crystal, Calum and a girl he thinks is named Alex in the kitchen, engaged in what appears to be a pretty intense conversation, while Roy and a friend of his are sitting on the couch. He doesn’t get any further in his search before there’s a tap on his shoulder, and when he turns his head and looks down, it turns out to be Sierra.</p><p>“You look lost,” she says as she gives him a quick, one-armed hug.</p><p>Returning the hug, Luke shrugs. “Just looking for a familiar face or two.”</p><p>“Figured you’d know everyone here,” she says.</p><p>“What, because all of Ashton’s friends are my friends, too?” Luke chuckles. “Nah, I only know a handful of these people.”</p><p>“Gotcha. Ashton’s over there, if you were looking for him,” she says, pointing to somewhere behind Luke. He turns around, and it takes him a moment, but he locates Ashton’s back as he’s busy pressing someone up against the wall. After a couple of seconds of eyeing the display, he realises that it’s KayKay, and that they’re engaged in what appears to be a pretty heavy makeout-session.</p><p>“Looks like they’re having fun,” he says, smiling thinly as he turns back to Sierra. “Since when is that a thing that’s happening?”</p><p>“Since about ten minutes ago, as far as I know,” Sierra says. “If it’s been going on for longer, she hasn’t told me.”</p><p>“Yeah, Ashton neither,” Luke says.</p><p>“Hm. She was really stoked you posted that photo she sent you, by the way.”</p><p>“What?” Luke frowns. “Oh, yeah, the one of me and Ash. Yeah, it was a great photo, so…”</p><p>“It was,” Sierra agrees. “She said you made it easy by being super photogenic, but I think that was just her being humble.”</p><p>“Oh, so you’re saying I’m <i>not</i> photogenic?” Luke says, grinning. “Have you made it your own personal mission to insult me in one way or another whenever we meet? Last time you insinuated I wasn’t famous and now you’re saying I’m not photogenic.”</p><p>Sierra doesn’t miss a beat. “I’ll have a dig at your clothes next time,” she says before she takes a generous swig of the beer she’s holding.</p><p>“Is this a two-way street or is it like… you know, you’re allowed to criticise me while I have to be nice to you?”</p><p>“The latter, obviously,” Sierra says with a wide, blinding smile.</p><p>“Uh-huh, I’m starting to think I should just stay away from you before you take away every trace of self-esteem I have left,” Luke says. It comes out far more pitiful than intended, and he makes a face. “Nevermind. How’s work treating you?”</p><p>Sierra hesitates for a beat before she responds, and it looks like she’s considering asking Luke if he’s okay or something along those lines. Despite his drunkenness, he’s grateful when she doesn’t. “It’s okay,” she says. “A little bit of everything at the moment, to be honest, but I’m actually working on a single, just started writing it last week.”</p><p>“Oh, I didn’t know you… were in the music industry,” Luke says. “Did that come up last time we met and I’ve managed to forget, or…?”</p><p>“No, I don’t think it came up, but… yeah. I won the X-Factor with my ex-partner a few years back, and I’ve been pursuing solo stuff for almost a year now, and it’s been good. I do some makeup jobs on the side here and there to, you know, make some extra money, but I’m mostly focused on the music, and it’s been great.” She smiles before downing the last of her beer. “What about you guys? You’re working on putting a new album together, right? I think Crystal mentioned something about it a little while back.”</p><p>“It’s coming along slowly, but surely,” Luke says. “If we get a single out before spring, I’ll be happy. Doesn’t look good right now, but…”</p><p>“But then one day one of you will wake up with an idea that could be single material,” Sierra finishes. “Just how it is in this business, isn’t it?”</p><p>The party carries on around them as they talk. People take to the dancefloor, and Luke’s pretty sure he sees a girl and a guy who he has no clue who are snorting a line each at some point when the clock’s nearing ten. Sierra has left with a somewhat dishevelled-looking KayKay at that point, and Luke and his drunk mind have found solace on the couch, his head tucked into the crook of Calum’s neck.</p><p>“Ash showed me that song you wrote,” he mumbles. “The one about walls and… talking.”</p><p>“<i>If Walls Could Talk</i>,” Calum answers. “Yeah, he told me. You liked it, didn’t you?”</p><p>“A lot. Liked it a lot, it was so… relatable.”</p><p>“He said he drew inspiration from you for it.”</p><p>“Mhm. I liked that. Felt kinda cool. At least I’ve contributed with <i>something</i> for this album, even if it was accidental.”</p><p>Calum tilts his head to press his cheek against the top of Luke’s head. “You’ll get there, Luke. I don’t think you’re lacking in shit to write about, you’ve just gotta get into the right headspace to properly channel it all.”</p><p>Luke is spared from having to answer by Ashton sitting down next to him and leaning in close to his face. “Luke, Cal, gimme a kiss each, on the mouth,” he says.</p><p>“What now?” Luke snorts.</p><p>“I’m collecting birthday kisses. Already got one from Mike, so it’s your turn. If you do it, I’ll be hitting the double digits.”</p><p>“Michael kissed you? Voluntarily?” Calum laughs. “Is he high?”</p><p>Ashton sighs deeply. “Okay, maybe he said no. Will you two do it, though?”</p><p>“No,” Luke and Calum say in unison.</p><p>“It’s rude to deny the birthday boy,” Ashton mutters. “At least come do shots with me?”</p><p>Luke downs the rest of his drink, leaving the glass on the table before he stands up on wobbly feet. The lounge may be spinning and he may be struggling to focus on Ashton’s face. “How many drinks have you had today?” he asks as he follows Ashton towards the kitchen.</p><p>“Oh, who knows?” Ashton says breezily. “Might be ten, might be twenty, might be more.”</p><p>Luke giggles and steadies himself with his hands on the back of Ashton’s shoulders. “So many drinks,” he says. “I feel bad for your liver.”</p><p>“My liver’s just fine,” Ashton dismisses. He grabs a bottle of God knows what and fills two shot glasses to the brim, handing one to Luke. “Here’s to… wait, how old am I again?”</p><p>Luke giggles again. “Twenty-three, dickhead.”</p><p>“Ah, yes!” Holding his shot up, Ashton grins happily at Luke before he throws it back, and Luke does the same.</p><p>It’s only when the liquid is on its way down that he realises that what he just shotted was pure vodka, and he groans. “Fucking hell, you know I hate straight vodka,” he whines after he’s swallowed.</p><p>“I thought I grabbed the gin.”</p><p>“I hate straight gin, too, Ash.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah… sorry.”</p><p>“I’m sure. Had a good birthday?”</p><p>“I got eight birthday kisses, so damn straight I’ve had a good birthday,” Ashton says as he jumps clumsily to sit on the counter.</p><p>“If you’ve contracted herpes, I’ll never let you hear the end of it.”</p><p>“If I’ve contracted herpes, I’ll sneak into your room at night and smooch you until you contract it, too.”</p><p>“Two out of four band members with herpes... photoshoots are gonna be beautiful if we both get breakouts at the same time.”</p><p>“That, my friend, is what Photoshop is for.”</p><p>“Poor Photoshop-person.”</p><p>Everything becomes a little hazy after that. Luke vaguely registers dancing with someone and shedding his shirt at one point, and he thinks he joins Ashton and Matt in hunting down the balloons that are floating around in the yard. He has a couple of drags of a joint that someone offers him, and the drags may be a little too deep, because the next thing he knows is that he’s bent over the toilet while the room spins and he throws up every last ounce of his stomach contents. A female someone with an unfamiliar voice strokes his back and mumbles drunken words of comfort as he heaves and tears run down his cheeks.</p><p>Luke doesn’t think he’s ever going to want to drink again, much less get drunk.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, July 17th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke got drunk again and now he has a vicious hangover.<p>In his defence, it was in honour of his own twenty-first birthday, and the excitement of finally being old enough to <i>legally</i> drink in the US may have gotten to him a little too much. He has no idea what time it is when he trudges out to the lounge, but he’s pretty sure he’s still the slightest bit drunk. The more worrying part is that the sun appears to be setting and that Ashton’s busy cooking something that smells like dinner.</p><p>“How long did I sleep?” he asks, his voice rough, as he sits down by the dining table and perches his forehead in his hands.</p><p>Ashton grins. “It’s almost five thirty, but considering you refused to go to bed before it was nearly nine in the morning, I’m surprised you’ve gotten out of bed at all.”</p><p>“I barely remember anything after the third round of shots,” Luke groans. “Shit. Did I say or do something… mortifying?”</p><p>“Nah, you were just having a <i>really</i> good time, a lot of weird dancing and loud giggling, but everyone else was doing the same, so I reckon you’re good,” Ashton says. “You had everyone who’d listen take photos of you all night long, so you could always check your phone to jog your memory.”</p><p>“Super,” Luke grunts. “Why aren’t you hungover?”</p><p>“I am, a little, but I stopped drinking at four, so I’ve had five more hours than you to return to the land of the living.”</p><p>Luke blows a raspberry. “I hate you so fucking much.”</p><p>“I’m making tacos for dinner, if that helps.”</p><p>“It helps a little,” Luke says. “Do I have time to take a shower first?”</p><p>“I’ll keep them warm. You smell and I don’t wanna have dinner with your nasty odour surrounding me.”</p><p>“Be nice, I’m very fragile today.”</p><p>“It’s the osteoporosis, it comes with old age.”</p><p>Luke doesn’t start feeling even remotely human until it’s about nine o’clock in the evening, by which time darkness has fallen and Luke is half sitting, half lying on the couch while scrolling through his camera roll. Ashton’s sitting on the floor in front of him, plucking absentmindedly on his guitar; there’s no melody, no particular rhythm, but the sound is still soothingly familiar. Some of the photos Luke comes across make him laugh, some make him blush, and some are so blurry that his only reaction is to frown while he tries to figure out what, exactly, was going on in front of the lens when they were taken. He selects <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BWt36eaHPtW/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">five photos</a> that he quite likes and that are neither too embarrassing nor too incriminating, but still amusing, and uploads them to Instagram with a hastily written caption before he locks his phone and puts it in his pocket.</p><p>Ashton’s still plucking away on the strings, a distant look on his face as he stares into apparent nothingness, and Luke just watches. It’s always been a thing that Ashton does, especially late at night or in particularly quiet moments; his mind will drift off until it’s far, far away from any and all physical surroundings and stimuli, and he’ll be so lost in thought that his eyes glaze over and his lips will part slightly. Luke has never asked him about it, not because he’s not curious, but because he prefers to let Ashton have those little moments of complete privacy, to let him delve into whatever it is that goes on in the back of his mind without interruptions.</p><p>As he always does, though, Ashton pulls himself out of it eventually, and he smiles when his eyes connect with Luke’s. “Sorry, zoned out for a bit,” he says as he climbs to his feet and puts the guitar on its stand.</p><p>“No problem,” Luke says.</p><p>“How are you feeling?” Ashton asks as he sits down on the couch’s armrest, right next to Luke.</p><p>“Better, but not great,” Luke says, smiling wryly.</p><p>“Yeah, well, that’s what you get, Lukey.” Ashton gives Luke’s back a light slap. “But hey, wanna drive somewhere?”</p><p>“Drive somewhere,” Luke repeats. “Nowhere specific? Drive just for the sake of driving? No offense, but it’s doing stuff like that that’s sending this planet plummeting towards doom.”</p><p>“No, that’s all the filthy rich people and their jets and their giant corporations’ fault,” Ashton says. “But I meant maybe go to the beach or something.”</p><p>Luke grimaces. “It’ll be dark. I don’t like the dark.”</p><p>“I’ll hold your hand if you get scared. Come on, I feel like neither of us have gotten any fresh air in ages.”</p><p>“We can open all the windows.” Ashton raises an unimpressed eyebrow, and Luke sighs. “Do I have to get changed?”</p><p>“Like you pointed out, it’ll be dark and probably not very crowded either, so if you’re willing to venture outside in pyjama pants and a t-shirt I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you wear since we were living in London, I reckon you’re all good.”</p><p>Luke shrugs. “I’ll take my chances,” he says as he stands up and ties the strings on his pants. “You’re driving. And we’re stopping somewhere to buy chocolate on the way back.”</p><p>The roads are relatively quiet, as quiet as they ever are in LA, and Luke keeps his eyes out the window on the passenger side, taking in the lights as they pass by. There’s hardly any time to make out the passing surroundings; one moment they’re right in his line of vision, free for any and all to appreciate, the next they’re gone, and Luke can’t recall a single specific detail about them. He wonders idly if him even conjuring that thought is the universe telling him that it’s meant as a metaphor for the last few months of his life — everything has passed in a blurry mass of unspecific occurrences, and only a few incidents here and there stand out, for better or worse. It’s a poor metaphor, if that’s the case, because LA isn’t going anywhere, nor are any of its many intricate details, so he can always go back to see them again if he ever feels the need. Past days of his life, however, are gone, never to be seen again.</p><p>A sense of loss washes over him when he’s struck by the thought that despite barely being twenty-one years old, certain eras of his life have already passed, certain milestones have already been reached. He’ll never again be a careless teenager, he’ll never again feel the rush of joy that he experienced when the band first hit upon success, he’ll never be enveloped by the intense, hormon fuelled passion brought on by one’s first love. He has had his first kiss, his first date, his first girlfriend, he’s bought his first house, he’s long since made his first million. So many firsts he has already gone through despite his young age, and he never stopped to appreciate any of them when they were happening right in front of his eyes, always too eager to move onto the next thing. </p><p>Now it’s too late, and it’s scary. It’s sad.</p><p>“Luke?”</p><p>Jolting out of his thoughts, Luke realises that Ashton has stopped the car. Another look around determines that they’re in an empty parking lot, overlooking a beach that Luke is fairly certain he’s never visited before.</p><p>“Where are we?” he asks as he unbuckles his seatbelt and steps out of the car. Despite the late hour, the air is warm and Luke closes his eyes for a moment to breathe in the scent of the sea.</p><p>“Will Rogers State Beach,” Ashton says as he locks the car and puts the keys in the pocket of his jeans. “I go here sometimes, it’s usually pretty quiet, even during the day. Not the most scenic beach LA has to offer, but I like it.”</p><p>It’s not a remote beach by any means. Luke can see lights and buildings in the background as they wander along the stretch of sand, but no one but themselves seems to be present and whatever sounds from the city that may make their way to the beach are effectively muted by the ocean waves that are crashing gently against the shore. Luke stops at one point to kick off his shoes and peel off his socks, and Ashton doesn’t hesitate to follow his example with a comment about how he loves the beach, but the fact that sand will find its way <i>anywhere</i> is a right pain. While he doesn’t say anything, Luke thinks back to the so far only time he’s had sex on the beach; he was drunk while on holiday in Bali, and he remembers finding sand in odd places for over a week afterwards.</p><p>The fresh air does its part to help clear a majority of Luke’s remaining hangover, and it’s replaced by a feeling of drowsiness. “Wanna sit down for a bit?” he asks, gesturing towards a slightly elevated pile of sand that’s in a safe distance from the water. He doesn’t wait for Ashton to answer before he sits down, bending his legs at the knee to bury his feet in the dry sand.</p><p>Ashton sits down next to him, close enough that their shoulders are touching, mirroring Luke’s position. As soon as he’s gotten comfortable, he says, “I wanna do a classic type of song for the album.”</p><p>“Classic? Like… Mozart?”</p><p>“Yes, Luke, I wanna do something Mozart-like. No, I mean like… something honest and technically uncomplicated. A love-song about loss and memories. Something soulful.”</p><p>“Oh.” Luke looks down at his feet, wiggles his toes a little in the sand. “Okay, yeah. Do you have any specific ideas for lyrics or music, or…?”</p><p>“Maybe. Daniel and I were dabbling around with something, but we’ll see.” Ashton doesn’t wait for Luke to respond before he changes the topic. “I feel like we should get better at venturing outside,” he says. “We have a tendency to get caught up in whatever happens inside, but I think it’s good for our mental health to get outside more often. Enjoy nature. Do a little soul searching without the constraints of walls and furniture and all sorts of artificial background noise. Let our minds disconnect, even if it’s just for a little while.”</p><p>“Jesus Christ, have you been smoking?”</p><p>Bumping his shoulder against Luke’s, Ashton laughs. “You know what I mean.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke says softly. “I do. And… yeah, I agree. I think. It’s just easier to stay inside, you know?”</p><p>“I know.” Placing his hands flat on the ground behind himself, Ashton leans back and sighs. “It’s just odd, this whole… hiatus-thing we’re doing. It’s made me more aware of a lot of things in life, some good, some bad, and especially on days where I don’t even leave the house. We’ve got the summer tour coming up in about a month and all, but it’s a short one and… we spent years running from A to B without a second thought, none of us had a place we could call home, not really, and it wasn’t until we stopped to breathe for a moment that I realised how insane our lives actually got at one point. The tempo, the packed schedules, all the hard work, barely any sleep at times, a new country every day, some of the really shitty things we said and did, both as a band and as individuals… I reckon it’s a damn miracle that none of us snapped completely.”</p><p>“Not completely, maybe, but… there was some snapping.”</p><p>“None of us snapped, not really." Pause. "Going through a rough time isn’t the same as snapping, Luke.”</p><p>Luke weaves his fingers together, squeezing carefully. “I know, but I feel like I was really, really close to actually snapping.” He hesitates for a moment. “Still do, sometimes. On bad days.”</p><p>“You’re doing your best, no one can expect any more,” Ashton says. “I've never asked you for any details about what went on behind closed doors between you and her, and I’m not gonna ask now either, but I know that whatever it was, it was bad enough to do a number on you, so don’t rush the recovery process. As long as you’re making progress, it doesn’t matter how fast or slow it happens.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Luke murmurs. He pulls his bottom lip in with his teeth, and draws in a deep breath through his nose. “Do you <i>want</i> to know what happened?”</p><p>“Not if you don’t wanna share,” Ashton says as he straightens back up, leaving his head right next to Luke’s, only inches apart. “I’ve told you from day one that I’m here if you wanna talk, but I’m not gonna make you.”</p><p>Luke nods. “I wanna talk about it. With… with you. But maybe not right now. I don’t really know how to… explain it without having it come out as a jumbled mess, so... another day?”</p><p>“Whenever you feel like it. I’m right here.”</p><p>“Thanks. It goes both ways, though; you know that, right?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“If something’s bothering you, you can talk to me about it, if you wanna.”</p><p>Ashton chuckles. “Maybe another day.”</p><p>“So… there is something?”</p><p>“Yeah, but I’m not ready to deal with it quite yet. I’ll let you know when I am, though, if you’re willing to listen.”</p><p>“Of course I am,” Luke says. Tilting his head to the side, he lets it rest on Ashton’s shoulder. “I reckon I’d be a pretty shitty friend if I let you take care of me, but not be willing to give anything back.”</p><p>“Or you just have enough on your plate as it is and don’t need another person’s problems piled on top,” Ashton says as he leans his cheek against the top of Luke’s head.</p><p>“Sometimes helping others can make it easier to deal with your own shit, though. Forces you to take the focus off yourself for a while.”</p><p>“As long as it doesn’t end up eating up more of your ability to cope than you can afford to give away.”</p><p>“That goes for you, too, though,” Luke points out with a breathy laugh. “If you’re going through something yourself, you shouldn’t spend too much time and energy focusing on me.”</p><p>“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Luke, but you’re not exactly high maintenance on that front,” Ashton says, and it sounds like he’s smiling. “You mostly deal with your shit on your own, you have yet to ask me for anything.”</p><p>“Just the way I tick, I guess.”</p><p>“As long as you won’t hesitate to let me know if you do need something.” Rubbing his nose against Luke’s hair for a moment, he sighs. “Speaking of… not that it matters, but why did you call Mike instead of me when you had that panic attack on my birthday?”</p><p>“Other than the fact that you were drunk?” Luke asks, and Ashton huffs out a laugh. “No, I… I don’t know. I was terrified and while I didn’t <i>know</i> what was happening, I think… I think I had an idea, because we all know that Michael’s been… you know, dealing with panic attacks on occasion and calling him was my first thought. I acted on instinct or something, I guess.”</p><p>“Makes sense,” Ashton says after a beat. “It’s not because you don’t trust me with that stuff, is it?”</p><p>Allowing himself to nuzzle his face into Ashton’s neck for a moment, Luke draws back an inch or two and shakes his head. “Of course not. I’d trust you with my life, so… I’d trust you with my mental health as well. Like I said, I acted on instinct.”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it,” Ashton mumbles, and Luke’s more than a little surprised when the words are followed by Ashton’s lips pressing a brief kiss to the top of his head.</p><p>Blinking a couple of times, Luke smiles faintly. “Since when do you hand out casual kisses when you’re not drunk?”</p><p>Ashton hums. “Just felt right, I guess.”</p><p>“Sure, yeah,” Luke says, in lack of a better response.</p><p>Neither of them speak up again. They sit there, side by side with Luke’s head tucked into the crook of Ashton’s neck, looking out at the dark, ever-moving ocean. Luke doesn’t know what Ashton’s thinking, and Ashton doesn’t know what Luke’s thinking, but it doesn’t matter. The silence is comfortable and as is the physical contact, and Luke thinks that if they had blankets, he’d be quite content to sleep on the beach tonight.</p><p>After all, he’s already in his pyjamas.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Saturday, July 29th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke has been having a good day.<p>He woke up at a more than reasonable hour, he had a bowl of cut up fruit for breakfast, he took a nice, cold shower, he took Petunia for a long walk around the neighbourhood in the bright sunlight, he whipped up a huge omelette for himself and Ashton for lunch, and he managed to look at his recent attempts at writing without feeling the need to curl in on himself. After a few minutes of reading through the words written in his notebook, he even managed to jot down another sentence to go along with the one that says, <i>’Why won’t you love me?’</i> Though he has no idea if, <i>’We’re not alright, but I’ll pretend’</i> can be used, he feels good about getting anything done at all.</p><p>So, yes. Luke has been having a good day — an all around <i>good</i> day —, so it only makes sense that it all comes crashing down when dinner time rolls around. Ashton has just returned from another writing session with Calum, and he’s already in full swing in the kitchen.</p><p>“How did it go today?” Luke asks while he grabs a frying pan from the cupboard, drizzles oil in it, then turns the plate on; he has seen Ashton cook many enough meals at this point that he recognises the process that is about to commence.</p><p>“We finished <i>If Walls Could Talk</i>, actually,” Ashton says as he focuses on mincing an onion. “The lyrics have been good to go for a few days, but I think we nailed down the instruments today, too.”</p><p>“Yeah? Who wrote the guitar tracks?”</p><p>“I tried my hand at it for a bit, then Justin and Nolan came in and did some polishing and picking. It didn’t take long at all, actually.”</p><p>“Justin Tranter?” Luke asks. “Didn’t know he played guitar.”</p><p>“They.”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Justin. They-pronouns, not he.”</p><p>“Oh.” Luke knits his eyebrows together. “Good to know, I had no idea. But I didn’t know they played guitar?”</p><p>“Neither did I, to be honest, but apparently they do. I mean, we’re gonna want Michael and maybe you to play through it, see if it feels right before we start recording obviously, but… yeah, the song’s pretty much done.”</p><p>“Wow.” Luke lets out a breathless laugh as he accepts a bowl filled with minced onion and garlic from Ashton and dumps it into the hot frying pan. “First song for the new album all ready, huh?”</p><p>“If we decide to use it,” Ashton says. He gets started on dicing bell peppers while Luke busies himself with making sure the onion and garlic doesn’t burn. “We might not, but I think it’s a good one. We’ll see once we get you in to do the vocals, yeah?”</p><p>Luke’s chest tightens the slightest bit. “I feel like I haven’t sung since… I don’t know, in ages.”</p><p>“I hear you sing almost every day around the house.”</p><p>“That’s not the same, and you know it. There’s pressure when you’re in a studio, it always feels like something’s at stake even though you can, in theory, try as many times as you’d like.” Rolling his lips, Luke shrugs halfheartedly. “I don’t know. It’s just different.”</p><p>“I know, but singing is still singing, whether you do it in the shower or in your bedroom or in a studio. And your voice is as good as it’s ever been, judging by what I’ve heard lately. You’ll be alright, and you won’t be alone. We’ve got you.”</p><p>While a part of Luke loathes being babied with constant reassurances, compliments and words of comfort, a much bigger and more dominant part of him finds serene solace in it. It strikes him as a little odd how he gets a brief urge to wrap himself around Ashton and hide his face in Ashton’s neck, but the urge passes as quickly as it appeared, and he pushes the echoes of it to the back of his brain.</p><p>They fall into silence while Ashton continues chopping up vegetables and Luke continues stirring. It’s almost a shame, Luke thinks, that the delicious smell of onions and garlic and olive oil has to die for it all to become a complete meal, so he watches slightly mournfully as Ashton shovels bell pepper into the pan.</p><p>“Want me to take over?” Ashton asks, holding out his hand for the spatula in Luke’s hand. Luke’s intended, <i>’No, it’s fine,’</i> never leaves his mouth thanks to Ashton’s ringtone suddenly breaking the relative silence. Grabbing his phone from the counter, Ashton throws a look at the screen before asking, “Can you hold the fort here for a minute or two?”</p><p>“You mean, can I stir some veggies around and crank the heat up or down if needed?” Luke says flatly. “Yeah, I think I can manage.”</p><p>Ashton smiles briefly before he answers the call. “Hey, Cal.” Silence. “Yeah, he’s right here, we’re making dinner.” Silence. “Not today, no. Why?” Long silence. “Oh… no, I don’t think so. I think it’d be pretty obvious if—” Ashton sits down by the dining table, and he seems to be looking at everything in the room but Luke. “He’s gonna find out soon enough, Cal. Better he hears it from me than from a notification on his phone. Do you have a link or screenshots or something?” Silence. “Okay, thanks. I’ll talk to you later.”</p><p>Luke swallows when Ashton finally makes eye contact with him. “What… what happened?” he asks. He’s forgotten to stir the food for a bit, and he hurries to turn the heat off before anything can burn. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>“Not really, no,” Ashton says as he slowly rises to his feet and walks over to Luke. “No one’s dead or injured or anything, if that’s what you're thinking.”</p><p>Pursing his lips, Luke closes his eyes for a moment when his heart picks up its pace. “It’s about me,” he says. “What’s going on? Don’t… try and spare my feelings or whatever, just tell me.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Ashton nods, though it seems like it’s mostly to himself, before he starts tapping on his phone. He stops after a short while, and looks up at Luke. “Just so you know what it’s about,” he starts carefully, “your… Arzaylea, she’s been throwing some shit around on Instagram. Comments.”</p><p>“Comments about what?” Luke asks; it comes out emotionless, empty, matching the void that’s suddenly appeared in his chest.</p><p>“Just see for yourself,” Ashton says as he hands his phone over for Luke to take.</p><p>And Luke reads. He reads her comments, he reads the varying responses <i>to</i> her comments, and his vision is starting to fade.</p><p>It could be worse, he reckons, but it could also be better. </p><p>The accusations she’s throwing around are mostly untruthful, but one or two hit far closer to the actual truth than Luke is able to deal with, and one or two are close to being the full and honest truth. Shoving the phone back into Ashton’s hand, he ignores the words that are being called after him as he heads to his bedroom, where he collapses face first on the bed, and inhales shakily. He thinks back several weeks, forces his brain to relive the last days of his spectacularly failed attempt at a relationship, and his heart feels like it’s being attempted yanked out of his chest, time and time and again as he delves further into everything.</p><p>He didn’t sleep with her the day before he went out with anyone else. Shit, he didn’t actually go out with anyone else at all; he slept with another girl at a huge, anonymous party, and while he knows it’s no excuse, he did it in response to her having slept with another guy a few days prior. It happened once after that, too, and the reason was the same. But he never went <i>out</i> with anyone else, and he definitely didn’t do it the day after sleeping with her.</p><p>Of all the accusations thrown at him and at the rest of the band, it’s the cheating-accusations that hit the hardest. Maybe it’s because they carry a lot of truth despite the whole story not being out there, maybe it’s because he absolutely hates to be reminded of how he sunk to that level, maybe it’s because he knows he made a horrible mistake, not once but twice, and that he can’t take it back, maybe it’s because he can picture the disappointment on his mum’s face if she were to find out. Maybe it’s a combination of them all. </p><p>His eyes are burning, his throat is constricting painfully, and he clenches his fists around the sheets while his heart hammers against his ribs, in his throat, in his diaphragm, in his <i>head</i>. It all descends on him at once; all the mistakes he made during his time with her, the way he treated some of the people who matter the most to him, the hopelessness he lulled himself into and refused to be pulled out of, the way he spoke to her on particularly tumultuous days. The latter haunts him, and he thinks it always will. It doesn’t help to remind himself that she always gave back as good as she got.</p><p>“Can I come in?”</p><p>Luke doesn’t move his face from where it’s buried in his pillow before he nods. There’s a moment or two of nothing, then the mattress dips in a way that tells Luke Ashton’s laid down next to him, half a metre or so away. Neither of them say anything, they just lie there until Luke eventually flips over to lie on his side, finding Ashton on his back right beside him.</p><p>“Do you wanna explain any of that or was it all lies?” Ashton asks, lips tilting up on one side in a valiant attempt at a smile.</p><p>Curling in on himself, knees tucked to his chest, Luke huffs. “What part?” he asks dully. “The cheating? The cocaine? The escorts? The fact that we’re all apparently racist and homophobic?”</p><p>Ashton heaves a deep sigh. “Is any of it true?”</p><p>“I think you’d know as well as me if we were racist and homophobic. And I’m pretty sure I’ve never hired an escort. Not that I remember, at least.”</p><p>“Cal did once last year. He was curious. She might have been referring to that.”</p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p>“And… the rest?”</p><p>Luke reaches for his covers and clutches them tightly to his chest before he responds. “We’ve all done a line here and there, you know that. Fuck, she did it <i>with us</i> a couple of times. Talk about digging your own grave.” Ashton doesn’t say anything. “As for the cheating… yeah. Twice, on my part. No idea how many times on her part, but at least twice. Maybe more.”</p><p>“And the last thing?”</p><p>“What last thing?”</p><p>“About you finishing fast.”</p><p>Luke lets out a startled laugh. “I— really, Ash? Amidst accusations of being a cheater and a homophobe and a coke addict, I really don’t care <i>that</i> much about being accused of being quick on the trigger, even if the accusation is there for all the world to see.”</p><p>“It’s kinda funny, though, it just being tucked in between far more serious accusations, and at least she didn’t tell everyone you have a small dick,” Ashton says, and his smile is far more genuine now, stroked with amusement rather than hesitance. “So, answer me — is it true?”</p><p>“Jesus Christ, you have problems, do you know that?”</p><p>“I’m just curious, now that it’s out there,” Ashton says. His smile has turned into a full-blown, shiteating grin. “Do you have a stamina-problem, Lukey?”</p><p>“No!” Luke laughs as he tosses himself over onto his back, pulling his covers with him. “Fucking hell, it happened a couple of times because I was too worked up, but I made up for it. Happy?”</p><p>“Not really. I already knew too much about you and now it’s become even more too much.”</p><p>“Uh-huh, maybe consider that the next time you’re thinking about asking that type of question.”</p><p>“I think I will,” Ashton muses. “Can I ask you about all of this, though?” When Luke snorts, Ashton smacks his chest. “Not that, you dick. No, I mean the cheating. How come I didn’t know? I wouldn’t have condoned it, obviously, but… you could’ve told me, I wouldn’t have put you on trial for it.”</p><p>“I— no, I know, but it’s hardly my proudest moment,” Luke says. “Or, moments, I guess. You were around the first time it happened, though. The party at Caleb’s last winter.”</p><p>“That chaotic one? Way more people than should be allowed in a private residence?” Ashton asks, his eyes wide with surprise. “What happened?”</p><p>While not overly interested in reliving that night, Luke takes a moment to drag his hands over his face and groan quietly before he decides to do it nevertheless. “I’m not sure,” he says, keeping his eyes glued to the ceiling. “She’d told me a few days earlier that she’d slept with one of her exes, and I hadn’t talked to her between then and the party, and there was this girl there… She was beautiful and funny and she had these really kind eyes that just… drew me in, you know?”</p><p>“Yeah, I know that feeling.”</p><p>Luke closes his eyes. “I talked to her for a long time, she was… proper interesting and smart and really nice, and then we started dancing, and… I don’t know what happened, but we wound up in a bedroom and we fucked and I— shit, she was really sweet, I don’t think she knew who I was or that I was in a relationship, but I freaked out the moment we were done and pushed her away, and I just got dressed and I…”</p><p>“Left her there, and she probably felt like trash because the guy she’d spent the whole night talking to and having fun with bailed the moment he’d gotten in her pants.”</p><p>“Yeah. Probably. I don’t know, but… probably.”</p><p>“You know,” Ashton says, “given everything that’s happened and all the circumstances, I’m more inclined to punch you for that than for the actual cheating.”</p><p>“Feel free to do it,” Luke mutters. “I deserve it.”</p><p>“Maybe tomorrow. I think you’ve received enough punishment for one day,” Ashton says, and he sounds tired. “What about the second time?”</p><p>Luke huffs. “I’d just found out she cheated again, and… I can barely remember it. Michael and I were out, it was when we were somewhere on holiday, I think, and I—” He cuts himself off, grimaces at the vague, but still detailed enough memory. “I fucked a girl, a fan, in a bathroom stall.”</p><p>“Classy, Luke.”</p><p>“I know, I know, I’m not proud of it. Like, at all. Pretty ashamed, actually.”</p><p>“Good. It’s gonna blow over, though. All of this. It looks like our entire fanbase is out there defending you.”</p><p>“Maybe they shouldn’t,” Luke says. “I obviously wish all my dirty laundry wasn't out there for everyone to see, but it’s not like everything she said was a lie, so… maybe it’d be better if I owned up to it.”</p><p>Ashton makes a noise of disagreement. “It’d just make everything worse, and I don’t see what you have to gain from it, so don’t respond to any of it, don’t interact with her, don’t… No, just stay off the socials for a few days. You can talk to management about it, but I’m pretty sure they’re gonna tell you the same thing.”</p><p>“But people are out there defending me, apparently, and that feels… wrong, when some of the things she said were true. Makes me feel like I’m lying to everyone.”</p><p>“Your personal life isn’t anyone’s business but your own and whoever you choose to share it with, Luke,” Ashton says, his voice gentle, but stern. “If people wanna get involved in it without you having said anything to indicate that you <i>want</i> them to get involved, that’s on them. You don’t owe them anything when it comes to your personal life.”</p><p>Luke makes a face. “I know that, objectively, but I still feel like I do.”</p><p>“I think we all do, to a certain extent, but I reckon it’s important to take some time to remind yourself every once in a while that that isn’t the case.”</p><p>“Can you stop coming with words of wisdom that are hard to act on?”</p><p>“I’ve tried, but my wisdom can’t be contained,” Ashton says easily. “Do you want dinner? It’s almost finished.”</p><p>“No, thanks, I think I’ll just go to bed. Lost my appetite. Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Ashton says as he climbs to his feet. “I’ll put aside a plate for you in the fridge in case you wake up in the middle of the night and are five minutes away from perishing from starvation.”</p><p>Luke rolls over on his side and smiles up at Ashton. “Can’t have that, can we?”</p><p>“Finding a new competent lead singer with your bone structure would be really fucking time consuming, so I’d rather you stay alive.”</p><p>“Thanks, Ash, I appreciate that,” Luke snorts. “You have such a way with words.”</p><p>Ashton shrugs as he walks over to the door. “We all have our talents,” he says. “I’ll probably stay up for a while longer if you decide you wanna hang.” And then he offers Luke a smile before he’s gone, closing the door behind himself and leaving Luke with nothing but the plain, white wood to focus his eyes on.</p><p>He lies there, completely still, for a few seconds before he sits up and grabs his notebook from the nightstand. Getting comfortable with a pillow supporting his back and the covers in his lap, he opens the notebook on the page he closed it on earlier. Pathetic as the original reason behind the words were, a new dimension of them creeps up on Luke as he takes them in, over and over again. He wrote them originally in desperation, wanting so badly for her to <i>love</i> him, but he finds himself genuinely pondering the question now. Why didn’t she love him? He loved her at one point, so why didn’t she love him back? Or did she love him, but chose to express it in a way that he didn’t understand?</p><p>So, Luke writes. He writes lines, he scribbles down standalone words, he crosses things out, he clenches his teeth with frustration, he doesn’t bother forcing back the tears that are gathering in his eyes, he lets himself feel well and truly terrible, and the end result is a number of sentences that aren’t connected in any way, but that could be with some more work. He falls asleep sometime before midnight, fully dressed and with the lights on, pen in hand, notebook open and partly hidden under the expanse of his hand.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Part 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, so, wanna know something that damn near had me lie down and cry under my coffee table when I was about 2k into writing this chapter? Everything about this fic was all planned out from the start, right? I had a neat, detailed and very long timeline to keep me on track, and then, by <i>pure</i> coincidence, I found out on November 30th 2020 (at which point the prologue, part 1, part 2 and part 8 were completed, and I was 4.7k into part 10, 2.5k into part 4, etc etc, so all was messy but nice and dandy and I had everything under control) that this <i>fucking band</i> did a short summer tour in 2017. I had no idea up until that day? I didn’t know they did any touring between SLFL and 5SOSIII? Because I wasn’t in the fandom at that point? And I had to rework so much of the timeline when I found out and I kinda wanted to scream with frustration and I may have spat coffee all over my laptop screen when I found out, which made me swear so loudly that one of my cats freaked the fuck out. That’s all, just a quick insight into my scattered brain.</p><p>Anyway, with that little anecdote out of the way, what’s there to say about this chapter… It’s a little over the place, being divided into a total of five different sections I believe, and it covers most of August and a little over half of September of 2017. I suppose it’s relatively heavily focused on the writing of <i>Youngblood</i>, and also on… well, on Luke beginning to relocate parts of himself that he lost.</p><p>Hope you enjoy! As always, come talk to me on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Tumblr</a> if you want, and thank you so much for reading, commenting, leaving kudos and bookmarking, it means so much♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Tuesday, August 8th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>“Anything in particular you wanna look at?” Calum asks as he rearranges the bags he’s carrying.<p>Luke throws his hands up, a little desperate. “I need new clothes, I already told you that, like… five thousand times.”</p><p>Calum rolls his eyes. “Yeah, and you’ve spent the last two hours whining about nothing being <i>you</i>. Wanna grab lunch and get back at it after?”</p><p>“As long as lunch is something greasy and unhealthy,” Luke mutters. “Like a burger. I want a burger with extra bacon.”</p><p>“Let’s find you a burger, then, before you sulk your way straight into the ground,” Calum says. He hands his bags to Luke while he pulls up his phone and starts Googling for burger places nearby.</p><p>Despite his wish for a burger being granted within the next forty-five minutes, Luke can’t help but continue sulking as he scarves it down at what has to be record speed, even for him. When he texted Calum last night asking if he wanted to go shopping today, he figured it’d take an hour and a half tops to find a few items worthy of purchase. After more than two hours of sifting through shop after shop, however, Luke has drawn the conclusion that the current fashion is discriminating against him personally.</p><p>“Remember when we used to say that once we had some actual money to spend, we’d be the best dressed people around?” he asks Calum after he’s swallowed down his last fry. “I think we were wrong. Money’s not the issue. It’s us. Or, me at least. Me and my body.”</p><p>“You’re skinny, broad-shouldered and your legs make up ninety percent of your rather impressive height,” Calum says with a roll of his eyes. “I don’t think your body’s the issue here.”</p><p>“It’s out of proportion,” Luke grumbles, swirling his straw around the remains of his Coke. “Jeans aren’t long enough, shirts aren’t wide enough over the shoulders, and if they are, they’re <i>too</i> wide everywhere else… It’s a fucking nightmare.”</p><p>Calum quirks one eyebrow. “I can’t tell if you’re actually expressing some insecurities about your body or if you’re just being a pessimist because you want new clothes, but can’t find anything you like.”</p><p>Slumping his shoulders, Luke blows a raspberry. “The latter.” Pulling a couple of bills out of his wallet, he slides them over to Calum. “Mind getting the bill? I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”</p><p>“Just don’t drown yourself in the sink over your inability to find new clothes to buy,” Calum says as he waves and smiles at a nearby waiter.</p><p>While Luke has no intention of drowning himself over a lack of new clothes to buy, he <i>does</i> consider drowning himself when he’s done his business and throws a look at his reflection while he washes his hands. There’s a yellow pimple right between his eyebrows, his cheeks are red for God knows what reason, and his hair is somehow frizzy and flat at the same time. In addition, he notices when his eyes dart down to take a look at the rest of his body that the perhaps slightly too big burger has left his stomach bloated-looking.</p><p>All in all, he looks like complete and utter crap, and as he exits the bathroom and heads towards the restaurant’s entrance doors, he’s in a fouler mood than ever.</p><p>“Think I’m ready to call it a day,” he tells Calum, who’s standing a few paces down the footpath with a lit cigarette in his hand. “Fashion sucks and I look like shit and I wanna go back to Ashton’s and take a shower. Maybe I’ll just go online shopping.”</p><p>“Well, aren’t you just sunshine and unicorns today,” Calum snorts as they start walking in the general direction of where Calum’s car is parked. “Is this just about the clothes and how you, apparently, look like shit, or…?”</p><p>“Dunno, maybe, maybe not,” Luke says while he stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Ashton has always said I have these days where my attitude is particularly bad. Maybe this is one of those days.”</p><p>“Sounds about right,” Calum agrees. Finishing up his smoke, he stumps it out in an ashtray next to a garbage bin. “Did I tell you Mali’s coming to visit on Thursday?”</p><p>“Don’t think you did,” Luke says, more than happy to change the subject. “How long is she here for?”</p><p>“Just a couple of days, since we’re leaving town on Saturday. She’s pretty busy, working on her debut single and all, but she wanted to drop by on her way to…” Calum trails off with a grimace. “Fuck, I don’t remember where it was she was going. Somewhere in California that wasn’t LA.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, that one place in California that isn’t LA. Think I’ve heard of it,” Luke says, and Calum punches his shoulder. It kinda hurts. “Got any plans while she’s here?”</p><p>“She wanted to check out some vintage shops she’s read about online, but other than that I think we’re just gonna chill. Eat a lot, probably. Chill by the pool. Wanna come over? Drag Ash along, too, and we’ll ask Mike, make a day of it.”</p><p>“Sure, yeah, I’ll ask him when I see him,” Luke says.</p><p>“Cool.” Throwing a quick, sideways glance at Luke, Calum clears his throat. “I know we’ve been rehearsing and all, but are you ready to get back on the road?”</p><p>“It’s a short tour,” Luke says after a beat. “And we know all the songs. Don’t know if the rehearsals were even necessary.”</p><p>“Maybe not for the rest of you, but they were to me,” Calum says. “I swear, I’d damn near forgotten how to play our own damn songs, on my own damn instrument.”</p><p>“You going for an all-time high on how many times the word ‘damn’ can be used in one sentence? Because I think you were getting pretty close there. Wanna give it another go?”</p><p>They’ve reached the car park and Calum throws Luke an unimpressed glance as he unlocks the car and gets in on the driver’s side. “You’re absolutely fucking hilarious, has anyone ever told you that?” he asks once Luke has plonked himself down in the passenger seat.</p><p>Luke gives Calum a toothy smile. “Yeah, but it’s nice to be reminded every once in a while.”</p><p>“Uh-huh. Do you wanna answer my question, then, or is this one of those days where you’ll deflect any serious topic with bad jokes and unrelated comments?”</p><p>Allowing his smile to falter into a slight quirk of his lips, Luke hums. “I think we’ve spent too much time together if you know—”</p><p>“I’ll take that as a ‘no, I’m not gonna answer your question, Cal’,” Calum cuts in. As he pulls out of the parking lot, his eyebrows are drawn together in a somewhat frustrated grimace.</p><p>“Sorry,” Luke says. The sun shines in through the windshield, and he pulls down the visor to shield his eyes. “I don’t really have an answer. Music-wise I’m as ready as I can possibly get, but other than that… I won’t know until we’re standing in the middle of it. For what it’s worth, I think it’s gonna be alright. Touring’s always been my favourite part about the job, you know that, and it’s always been… good for me, I guess, even if it’s draining.”</p><p>“Okay,” Calum says. “Just don’t go all macho and keep shit bottled up if things get hard, yeah?”</p><p>Luke laughs. “Oh, yeah, because going all macho sounds like me. Can’t wait to get back to the house and watch a game of football while I drink a beer, eat a steak and scratch my balls.”</p><p>“Amazing that that’s where your mind goes when the word ‘macho’ is mentioned — to the activities of a middle aged man. Should I be worried?”</p><p>“I’ll let you know in twenty years, maybe I’ve turned into that type of person by then.”</p><p>“I’d love to see you dressed up as that for Halloween, fake beer belly and all.”</p><p>“We’ve still got a couple of months left until Halloween, so maybe I’ll just acquire an actual beer belly.”</p><p>Throwing Luke a quick sideways glance, Calum grins. “Sexy. Not sure how the fans would react, but…”</p><p>“As long as you’ll still love me.”</p><p>“Oh, I’ll love you with or without a beer belly. Just don’t go and get your face tattooed, that’s where my love ends.”</p><p>“Because I’m far too good-looking to ruin my face with tattoos?”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s why,” Calum laughs.</p><p>“Thought so.” Stretching his arms out, making his back crack softly, Luke asks, “What about you? Ready to get back on the road?”</p><p>“Always,” Calum says with a deep, content sigh. “No offense, but I think I’ve got you beat on the love being on tour-front.”</p><p>“Anything to avoid standing still for too long, huh?”</p><p>“What can I say? It gets boring,” Calum says with a one-shouldered shrug. “Getting up, working out, writing, coming home to the same house every night, never any new surroundings or new faces…”</p><p>“Because God forbid we actually stay in one place while we make new music so we have something to play when we’re touring,” Luke says dryly.</p><p>“We can write on the road, we’ve done that before and we’ll probably do it again,” Calum says.</p><p>Luke makes a small noise. “I think we have to if we have any hope whatsoever of getting a single out early next year.”</p><p>Calum stays silent for a moment before he replies. “I think maybe <i>If Walls Could Talk</i> could be a single, if we don’t come up with anything better. Ashton told you it’s all done, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, he told me. I haven’t… I mean, I’ve read the lyrics and they’re great, but I have no idea what the sonic aspect sounds like.”</p><p>“I think we were talking about recording it when the tour’s over. Last half of September.”</p><p>“Then someone should probably show me how I’m supposed to sing it first.”</p><p>“Really? My plan was to just stuff you in the booth and let you figure it out on your own.”</p><p>Calum drops Luke off on the side of the road by Ashton’s house, and tells Luke he’ll text him details about Thursday when he gets home. Luke stands on the footpath and watches Calum drive off, and it’s not until he spots another car in the distance that he’s reminded of what a trainwreck he looks like, which prompts him to get his feet moving and jog up to the house. The front door is unlocked, as per usual, and Luke kicks his shoes off before he heads upstairs, where he’s met by the sight of a half-naked Ashton sitting on the floor behind the couch, surrounded by loose papers, notebooks, a few pens, a half-empty bag of chips and his apparently recently discarded t-shirt.</p><p>“Are you having a meltdown or is this some new creative process you’ve developed?” Luke asks once Ashton has taken notice of his presence.</p><p>“The latter, mostly,” Ashton says. “I pulled up some stuff I wrote a couple of months back, wanted to see if any of it could be salvaged. Turns out my papers are a mess, though, and looking through them all became a sweaty ordeal.”</p><p>“Hence the t-shirt on the floor instead of on you,” Luke says with a nod of understanding. “Find anything good in there?”</p><p>“Not sure yet, could be,” Ashton says, his eyes drifting over the mess on the floor from left to right. “I’ll let you know when I decide.” He stands up with slightly stiff movements, wincing when he straightens his knees. “How did the shopping go?”</p><p>“Badly,” Luke grumbles. “Did you know that no matter how many shops you check out and no matter how many items you try on, it won’t matter when the universe has decided to work against you, because you won’t find anything anyway?”</p><p>Ashton makes a face as if he wants to laugh, but can’t decide if he should. “That bad?”</p><p>“Cal found loads of stuff, which is ironic because he said before we left that he wasn’t looking for anything.”</p><p>“Same old story,” Ashton says with a dismissive gesture of his hand. “You always find shit when you’re not looking.”</p><p>“Which is a problem when it comes to clothes, because I need them, or I won’t have anything to wear on tour. I’ll have to become a nudist.”</p><p>Ashton grins. “I know you’re joking, but that’d get us a ton of press. Imagine the headlines.”</p><p>“Imagine my parents’ reaction,” Luke says flatly. “Mum had half a mind to drag my ass back to Australia and ground me after that Rolling Stone-cover, and that was just one photo.”</p><p>“It’s alright, you’re under my roof now and I won’t ground for putting your junk out there for everyone to see. As a matter of fact, I encourage it.”</p><p>“Great, thanks.” Sitting down on the couch, Luke tilts his head back and drags his hands over his face. “I’ll check out some online stores, and if that’s fruitless as well… I don’t know. Maybe just underwear and a pair of boots will do.”</p><p>“You’re being really moody because of clothes, of all things,” Ashton says as he sits down next to Luke.</p><p>“It’s probably symbolic, some deep and profound meaning behind it,” Luke mutters. “Whatever, I’ll figure something out.”</p><p>“It’s clothes, so… yeah, you probably will.”</p><p>“Yeah. Cal’s excited about the tour, though, so that’s nice.”</p><p>“Aren’t we all?” Ashton asks rhetorically. “Feels like we haven’t been out there in years.”</p><p>“I guess.” When Ashton raises an eyebrow at him, Luke smiles and shakes his head. “I’m excited. I am. Just… I’m gonna miss LA. Petunia. Familiar surroundings and my things and… all.”</p><p>“You could take her with you, none of us would mind,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Not the three of you, perhaps, but I’m a hundred percent sure that there are at least a couple of crew members who’ll dislike it and I’d rather not piss people off unless I have to. Plus, she’d just get all stressed out from all the commotion. I was thinking I’d ask Roy to watch her, she likes him and she gets along with Duke well enough and she knows Calum’s house and… yeah.” As if on cue, Petunia comes trotting into sight and jumps up on the couch, getting situated between Luke and Ashton.</p><p>“I hate it when she does that,” Ashton mutters, but nonetheless strokes her head. “But yeah, asking Roy sounds like a good idea.”</p><p>“Yeah. I’ll miss her, though,” Luke says, burying his nose in her neck, planting a number of kisses there that she reciprocates with a wet lick to his shoulder. “Yes, sweetie, I’ll miss you.”</p><p>They fall into silence for a bit while Luke coos sweet nothings to Petunia.</p><p>“You love different aspects of touring, you and Cal,” Ashton says thoughtfully.<br/>
“What?”</p><p>“You love being on stage and everything that comes with it, and so does he, but I think what he loves the most about it is the complete lack of anything constant or stable.”</p><p>“We talked about just that, actually, on our way back here,” Luke says, raising his head to smile crookedly at Ashton. “He loves all those things, the things that have always gotten to me sooner or later when we’re on the road for extended periods of time. I always like coming home whenever we have a few days off between shows, while—”</p><p>“While he often chooses to stay wherever we had the last show. Or go somewhere on vacation while he waits for the break to be over, whether it’s three days or two weeks.” Ashton smiles. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Kinda weird, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Different strengths and all that,” Ashton says. “And, you know, there’s that whole thing about the four of us actually being four separate individuals with different wants and needs and preferences. I have a whole different viewpoint again, and so does Mike. I reckon it’s one of the things that make us work as well as we do when we’re touring — we all love it, but to a certain degree for different reasons, and we have different parts of it that we dislike, which… I guess makes it easier for us to help one another when we’re struggling.”</p><p>Luke blinks. As always when Ashton perceives something out loud, be it people, life, society or something else entirely, Luke is torn between wanting to flee the situation by making a joke and wanting to urge him to carry on. What’s new, however, is that a third possible course of action has been added to the mix, one that involves just looking at Ashton to take in the fiery traces of genuity that are stroking every muscle, every nerve in his face. It’s hardly a <i>viable</i> course of action, to just sit there and stare, but it’s one that Luke finds himself inexplicably attracted to, which in turn renders him equals parts confused and curious.</p><p>“I guess, yeah,” is all he says in the end, but Ashton seems happy enough with the lackluster response. Giving Luke’s knee a gentle squeeze, he stands up and announces that he’s going to get started on dinner.</p><p>“Tomato soup okay with you?” he asks over his shoulder as he walks to the kitchen.</p><p>Perking up hopefully, Luke asks, “That good type you make with the baked tomatoes and balsamic and cream and… all that?”</p><p>“I was gonna go for a simpler one, but…” Ashton shrugs. “If you’re willing to wait for a couple of hours, I can make the other one inst—”</p><p>“If waiting for two hours means I get that tomato soup, I’ll do it,” Luke interrupts. “Small price to pay for having my day be turned from bad to great.”</p><p>“A bowl of tomato soup can turn your day from bad to great?” Ashton snorts. “You’re an easy guy to please, Luke Hemmings.”</p><p>“Only that particular tomato soup can do it,” Luke says while walking towards the hall to get to the bathroom. “I’m gonna take a shower, I’ll come help after.”</p><p>Ashton whines, an uncharacteristically childish noise that makes Luke snort out a laugh. “However will I make do in the kitchen without you?”</p><p>Luke doesn’t think about his failed shopping trip for the rest of the day.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>They leave LA for South Korea early in the morning on August 12th, and play their first show the day after. Even though they play the same songs that they always have and even though the band’s the same and the crew is mostly the same, nothing about being back on stage actually <i>feels</i> the same. Not to Luke, at least. After Incheon, they go to Manila, then Tokyo, then Osaka, and before Luke knows it, they’ve been on the road for a week and his head has settled into something resembling complacency. </p><p>A week. It takes him a full week to get slightly used to the high tempo, the lack of personal space, the constant loudness of everything — the bus itself, the fans, occasionally his bandmates —, the being in front of a large crowd to perform songs that he has had committed to muscle memory for a long time.</p><p>While he misses his bed at Ashton’s house, misses Petunia, misses familiar food and familiar surroundings in general, returning to the road feels like coming home. It’s a home he hasn’t spent time in in what feels like a decade, one that’s full of marks that someone else has left in his absence, but one that still holds enough comforting memories and pleasant vibes that Luke can stay there, at least for a little while.</p><p>The other three don’t seem to be having the same thoughts, Luke ponders one evening when they’ve settled into their bunks for the night, the bus taking them from Stockholm to Moscow, one mile at the time. Ashton, Calum and Michael all seem delighted to be back on the road. Delighted and nothing else. Luke shares his thoughts with Michael over breakfast the next day, and Michael shrugs and says, through a mouthful of cornflakes, that while he’s not struggling with the same sense of instability that Luke is, he understands. Luke believes him, remembering many instances back in the day when Michael was the one who struggled with touring more often than not, for miscellaneous reasons. </p><p>However, he also finds it somewhat hard to take Michael seriously when his hair is sticking up in every direction possible and milk is dribbling from the corner of his mouth.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, August 27th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>“Russia’s cool and all, but this humidity can eat my entire fucking ass,” Michael states as they step out of the lift and make their way down the hall in search of their rooms.<p>Watching how both Michael and Ashton attempt to fan themselves by lifting, then dropping their t-shirts over and over again, Luke snorts. “You two have, like, overactive sweat glands or something,” he says. “It’s not <i>that</i> humid. And it’s definitely not hot. Borderline cold, actually.”</p><p>“Oh, fuck off,” Michael grunts. He draws to a halt outside his room and pulls out his keycard. Unlocking the door, he says, “Maybe you’ll start sweating like a normal person when you hit puberty,” and then he disappears into the room and slams the door shut in their faces.</p><p>Tilting his head to the side, Luke frowns pensively. “Being away from Crystal isn’t doing his attitude any favours, is it?”</p><p>“Eh, give him some time to have phonesex and he’ll be fine,” Calum says as he unlocks his own door, right across from Michael’s.</p><p>“I wanted to show you all something, but I guess Michael’s out,” Ashton says.</p><p>Turning his head, one hand on the door handle, Calum raises his eyebrows. “Show us what?”</p><p>“A song, why else would I be bringing a fucking guitar into the hotel?” Ashton says. “Or, it could become a song. I’ve only got a couple of lines and some basic chords for now, but—”</p><p>“Wanna shower first or show us first?” Luke asks before Ashton can finish.</p><p>Glancing briefly at Michael’s locked door, Ashton rolls his lips. “My room in thirty? Michael might join if we give him some time, so…”</p><p>“Let’s say forty-five, to be on the safe side,” Calum says.</p><p>Forty-five minutes, one notebook being passed around between the four of them where they’re sitting in a circle on Ashton’s bed, one somewhat clumsy but no less promising playthrough of a tentative chorus, turns out to be more than enough to render Michael’s semi-poor mood a thing of the past. His eyes are wide, shining with mirth, when he all but yanks the guitar out of Ashton’s hands and starts climpering on the strings, following a similar but admittedly improved trail of that of Ashton’s, all while humming to himself under his breath.</p><p>“Gimme a line, Ash,” he says after a bit as he starts repeating a rhythm, over and over again.</p><p>“Any line?” Ashton asks.</p><p>Michael nods impatiently. “Yeah, just something to use as a test.”</p><p>“Okay… <i>‘I’m just a dead man walking tonight, but you need it all of the time’</i>.”</p><p>Carrying on with the same rhythm, Michael starts mouthing the words. Luke can’t hear them, can only see how Michael’s smile grows a little more each time he repeats the line, until he puts the guitar down with a full-blown grin on his face.</p><p>“Yeah,” he simply says. “We’ve got something here. Not sure what it is, ‘cause it’s not our… usual style, but it’s something good.”</p><p>“We’re long overdue for a bit of a change, anyway,” Calum says as he falls over backwards and ends up with his legs sprawled over Luke’s lap. “Trying new things and all, yeah? It’s not like <i>If Walls Could Talk</i> is much like our old stuff either.”</p><p>Luke’s thoughts drift to his own notebook for a split second, to where it’s safely tucked away in a pocket in his bag, and he promptly shoves it into a hidden corner of his mind. “Is this one of those things you pulled up from earlier this summer?” he asks, picking Ashton’s notebook back up, looking the scribbled words up and down.</p><p>“Kinda,” Ashton says. “The melody’s pretty similar, some words from the lyrics, too, but I changed a lot of it, too. I think I got a firmer grasp on the general idea, the overarching theme, when I picked it back up last week.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke says, smiling softly. “It sounded really fucking good. Might wanna pair off and do some proper writing sessions when we have the time, bring in some other people to bounce ideas with, but…”</p><p>Ashton’s all smiles when he lies down next to Calum, their shoulders brushing. “All in all a productive evening, then,” he says as he stretches his arms over his head, his t-shirt riding up a few inches in the process. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m fucking exhausted and I wanna go to bed.”</p><p>Calum heaves a deep sigh as he rises to his feet. “Oh, sure, kick us out of your bed the moment you’ve gotten what you wanted. Typical guy.”</p><p>While Michael gets up as well and follows in Calum’s sluggish steps towards the door, Luke can’t be arsed to move just yet, so he remains where he is, sitting near the foot end of the bed, legs folded in front of himself. </p><p>Calum turns around when he and Michael have reached the door. “What, just because you two are shacking up together back home, you’re gonna do it on the road as well?” he asks. “Pretty sure that’s called codependence and it’s not healthy.”</p><p>“Says the guy who brushed Michael’s dependence on Crystal off earlier by saying we just had to give him time to engage in phonesex,” Ashton says flatly.</p><p>“Thanks,” Michael says to Calum, who shrugs in response.</p><p>Unwilling as he is to move, Luke is even more unwilling to bear witness to the argument he knows in his bones is about to ensue, so he drags himself off the bed and rises to a standing position. “I’m coming,” he says. He turns his head when he’s halfway to the door and finds Ashton looking right at him. “Goodnight, I… see you tomorrow?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ashton says, something inexplicably soft edging the words. “Sleep tight.”</p><p>“Oh, okay, <i>he</i> gets a ‘Sleep tight’ while all <i>we</i> get is a request to get the fuck out,” Calum says as he opens the door. “I see how it is.”</p><p>“Bitterness doesn’t become you,” Michael says as they exit the room and let the door slip shut behind them.</p><p>“Everything becomes me,” Calum says without looking at Michael.</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Luke leaves them standing there in the middle of the hallway with a wave and a, “See you tomorrow.” He doesn’t bother searching through his bag for sleepwear, instead just stripping naked before he crawls under the covers and hits the lights. The song Ashton showed them keeps playing on repeat in his brain, the parts of it that Luke can remember at least, and after a while, it’s paired with a mental image of Ashton’s smiling face when they told him they liked the song.</p><p>Albeit subconsciously, Luke falls asleep with a tiny smile tugging at his lips.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, August 28th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke’s not happy.<p>He feels like he hasn’t slept in days, he’s nauseous and his head hurts, all thanks to the jetlag that leaving Moscow for LA provided him with. Despite that, he allowed Ashton to drag him off to the studio less than an hour after they dumped their bags in Ashton’s lounge, and now Luke has to suffer for not putting up more of a fight than he did.</p><p>Sprawled out on his front on the floor, he sighs as he lowers his forehead down until it makes contact with the hardwood floor. Petunia’s lying in front of him, and while she was initially overjoyed to see him when Calum brought her through the studio doors, the novelty seems to have worn off as she keeps throwing him impatient little looks, as if to ask when they’re going home. He can hear Ashton and Andrew talking from the other side of the room, though he can’t make out the words, while Calum is lying on his back next to Luke. Michael flat out refused to join them, saying that he was going straight to sleep and not waking up until it was time to leave for South America. Luke wants to sleep, too, and he wonders briefly if anyone would notice if he just took a nap right here on the floor.</p><p>“Okay, what about this?” Calum says before Luke can make a decision. “<i>I wish we’d never met, ‘cause you’re too hard to forget</i>.”</p><p>Lifting his head to look at Calum, Luke snorts. “Cheerful. Very optimistic.”</p><p>“It’s not supposed to be cheerful or optimistic,” Calum says. “It’s, like… sad or angry or something.”</p><p>“Or something. Another song about a failed relationship, in other words.”</p><p>“Stick to what you know and all that,” Calum grunts. “Except for Michael, we’re all really good at mucking up relationships, aren’t we?”</p><p>“It’s been ages since you even attempted a relationship. I mean… to be fair.”</p><p>“Yeah, but you and Ashton both have recent experiences.”</p><p>Luke huffs out a sharp laugh. “No shit.”</p><p>“Come on, mate, you have to have something to contribute with, after all the shit you went through.” Pause. “Still are going through, I guess.”</p><p>Disagreeing with Calum would, in addition to being a lie, be completely pointless, so Luke just makes a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat. He has an abundance of things to contribute with, thoughts and emotions that carry the potential to become solid songs. What bothers him, however, is that as soon as he tries to translate the thoughts and emotions into actual words, his brain either short circuits completely or what comes out is too fucking embarrassing to show anyone.</p><p>With that in mind, he lets Calum take the lead as they attempt to build on the one line they have. He suggests a word change or a line switch here and there, and though the overarching theme of the song comes from Calum’s mind, Luke wonders if he is, just as he was for <i>If Walls Could talk</i>, the inspiration behind a song. Perhaps it’s a narcissistic way of thinking, to just assume that just because Calum has never mentioned it, he’s never been cheated on, but Luke can’t help it. <i>While I’m cleaning up your mess, I know he’s taking off your dress</i>, two of the lines go, and Luke is almost a hundred percent sure that he had that exact thought once, several months ago.</p><p>Something clicks when they’ve been at it for a couple of hours, and Ashton and Andrew call them over to the piano. A melody, quite slow and switching frequently between highs and lows, flows through the room as Andrew presses the keys and Ashton taps his hands against the top of the piano in some sort of intentional beat. They work together for a bit after that, all four of them, Calum and Luke presenting what they’ve written, then adding and removing a word here and there to make the lyrics match the melody created by Ashton and Andrew.</p><p>Luke can’t help but smile from ear to ear when the clock strikes five in the afternoon and they’ve managed to nail down the chorus entirely. The final puzzle piece that made the lyrics work perfectly with the melody, was changing the second last <i>’Lie’</i> to <i>’Li-li-li-lie</i>’, courtesy of Ashton, and Andrew suggests that they call it a day after that. Having no interest whatsoever in working for a second longer, Luke all but runs across the room to fetch Petunia before leaving the studio through the backdoor. He waits impatiently for Ashton to come unlock the car, and when they’re finally on their way back to Ashton’s a few minutes later, Luke closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep within moments.</p><p>Despite the jetlag that still haunts him a couple of hours later, when they’ve both showered and had dinner and are lounging on the couch, Luke finds himself feeling somewhat hyped after the writing session. It’s quite possibly because it’s the first song he’s actively contributed to in a long, long time, and it has granted him a type of confidence boost that has him feeling like he could summon the courage to do anything in the world. It’s with that in mind that he fetches his notebook from where he left it in his room earlier and brings it back out to the lounge.</p><p>“Can I show you something?” he asks.</p><p>Blinking sleepily at Luke from where he’s curled up in the corner of the couch, Ashton nods, and Luke hands him the notebook. “Songs?” he asks as he starts sifting through the pages, one by one. “Fucking hell, Luke, this is… a lot.”</p><p>“Most of it isn’t… usable, I don’t think,” Luke says, slightly nervous. “But there might be something on the last few pages.”</p><p>Despite the TV being on, the room feels eerily quiet while Ashton’s eyes dart up and down, back and forth, as he digests Luke’s words. Luke knows there’s nothing elegant or poetic about any of them, knows that they’re all very direct and void of any sort of hopefulness or joy, but he also thinks that there’s potential here and there. There could be potential, at least, with some editing and another person’s input. With Ashton’s input, to begin with.</p><p>“So… how many lonely nights in bed has it taken to get this sort of mindset down on paper?” Ashton asks eventually.</p><p>“What mindset?” Luke asks.</p><p>“This,” Ashton says, rapping his fingers against the notebook once. “<i>’Why won’t you love me?’</i> about five gazillion times. ‘<i>Three missed calls at 2 a.m., you said you never heard</i>’. A lot of variations of situations where you’re holding back tears. Loneliness. Desperation. Confusion.”</p><p>Luke bites the inside of his cheek, grabbing a throw pillow to hug to his chest. “Do you hate it, then, or…?”</p><p>“No,” Ashton says with a strange sort of laugh. “I don’t hate it. I like it. It could probably do with some more work, maybe we ought to do some minor edits here and there, get other people’s points of views on similar situations, if you don’t want it to be too obvious to the entire world who or what it’s about, but… I like it a lot, it’s honest and straightforward.”</p><p>“Oh,” Luke breathes, and the relief that courses through him almost feels like a slap to the face. “Okay. Yeah, that sounds good.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Putting the notebook aside, Ashton leans his head sideways on the back cushion and smiles a little. “Do you still not wanna talk about anything that happened between you and her?”</p><p>“Those lyrics kinda speak for themselves, don’t they?” Luke asks.</p><p>“They say something about how you were or are feeling, but they don’t say much about anything that happened that <i>made</i> you feel like that.”</p><p>“I told you about the cheating.”</p><p>“You did, yeah.” Ashton sighs. “Sorry, I’m just… I don’t know.”</p><p>“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘curious’,” Luke chuckles. “And I get it, I’d be curious, too, and I wanna tell you, but I just don’t… it was hard enough to show you those lyrics, okay?”</p><p>“I know, I know,” Ashton says quickly. “I’m sorry, and… thanks for showing me. For trusting me enough to show me.” Silent beat. “It means a lot, Luke.”</p><p>Luke’s cheeks feel a touch warmer than usual as he smiles at Ashton and mumbles, “Yeah. No problem.”</p><p>Silence stretches between them while they look at each other, and the heat in Luke’s cheeks is well on its way to spread to the rest of his top half when Ashton opens his mouth. “Wanna cuddle?” he asks.</p><p>“What?” Luke asks, eyebrows shooting up. “Since when do you want cuddles from anyone?”</p><p>“Hey, I’m human, I like a cuddle every now and again,” Ashton says defensively.</p><p>“I’ve known you for, like, six years and not once have you cuddled me voluntarily unless it was a joke for the cameras.”</p><p>Ashton frowns. “We had a cuddle on the beach last month.”</p><p>“That was more of a… sitting, sideways hug that lasted longer than a normal hug.”</p><p>“Isn’t that essentially what a cuddle is?”</p><p>“No, I don’t think—”</p><p>“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Ashton cuts in with a laugh. “If you don’t wanna, you can just say so, no need to start a debate about the definition of a cuddle.”</p><p>“I didn’t say I didn’t want to,” Luke says, a little affronted. “I was just… you know.”</p><p>“I can’t read your mind, Luke, so no, I don’t.”</p><p>Luke rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Okay, so… cuddle.” He clears his throat as he scoots over to Ashton, stopping when the side of their thighs are touching. “How do you—” he begins, but doesn’t get any further before he’s being pulled down and finds himself lying half on top of Ashton. Grunting, he says, “This is really uncomfortable.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>“The angle, not you,” Luke says dryly. “Lemme just…” </p><p>He shuffles around for a bit, tries to find room for all four of his limbs without half of them hanging off the couch, and manages eventually when he’s lying on his front, half his body on top of Ashton’s, the other half safely squished into the back cushions, his head resting on Ashton’s lower chest. He’s about to ask if it’s alright, but before he’s even opened his mouth, Ashton shifts his hips a little, then he’s wrapping one arm loosely around Luke’s back, and Luke smiles for reasons he can’t quite pinpoint.</p><p>It’s interesting, Luke thinks, how he’s always had an easy time forgetting how tactile he is with his affections from nature’s side, how much he appreciates full-bodied physical displays of affection, when he goes without for a while, only to have a reminder thrown in his face the second he’s given something again. Because while he hasn’t spent the last few months actively missing some sort of extended human contact, he feels all those months now; all the mornings he’s woken up without someone next to him, all the afternoons spent on the couch with nothing but a blanket to keep him warm, all the nights in bed falling asleep with a pillow hugged to his chest. </p><p>Closing his eyes, he tunes the TV out and breathes in deeply, pressing his hand a little firmer down against Ashton’s chest in an attempt at feeling his heartbeat. He does, after a few seconds, and the steady thumps reverberate against the palm of his hand, sending soothing waves through his veins until they reach his own heart. Luke swallows around a loose knot of emotions that has formed somewhere in his larynx, shifting his focus to the all encompassing tiredness that’s quickly taking over his body and mind alike.</p><p>“Can we do this more often?” he hears himself ask, his voice sluggish. Ashton laughs soundlessly, his chest moving with it, but he doesn’t answer. Snuffling, Luke adds, “Feels nice. Thanks for… you know.”</p><p>“No problem.”</p><p>The exhaustion he has been battling all day is taking over, bit by bit, and the last thing he’s aware of before he drifts off is himself mumbling, “Love you,” into the soft fabric of Ashton’s t-shirt. He has no idea if he gets a response, but when he wakes up next, it’s dark outside and he’s in his bed, on top of the covers, but with a blanket from the couch draped over him. A smile is gracing his face when he falls back asleep after a few seconds, and there’s a warmness present in his chest that renders the blanket unnecessary.</p><p> </p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*:.｡.☆</p>
</div><p> </p><p>South America is far colder than Luke expected it to be, and he ends up dragging Michael out for a quick shopping trip after they arrive in Lima early in the afternoon on September 5th. He’d rather not end up suffering from hypothermia before they’ve even played their first show. Michael grumbles throughout the entire outing, and he keeps asking Luke why the fuck he didn’t check the weather forecast when he packed his suitcase. When he asks for the fourth time, Luke glares before he grabs three hoodies off a rack and stalks off towards the register to pay.</p><p>They go out for dinner before their show in Buenos Aires, and upon realising that piranha is on the menu, three of them order it without even blinking. Michael, being the only one <i>not</i> interested in trying, surprisingly enough takes a liking to it when he snatches a piece from Ashton’s bowl, while Luke, who was quite excited about the idea of eating piranha beforehand, declares two bites in that he finds the whole ordeal disgusting. He ends up locating a nearby Burger King on his phone and they make a pitstop there on their way to the venue.</p><p>A thunderstorm breaks out early in the evening that day, which delights Ashton and Luke, and terrifies Michael and Calum.</p><p>“It’s lightning and thunder, not a damn hurricane,” Ashton says to them as they make their way from the car and into the venue.</p><p>“It could fucking kill us, if we’re unlucky,” Michael snaps.</p><p>“Would be a cool way to die, though,” Luke says, only loud enough for Ashton to hear.</p><p>Ashton grins and flings his arm around Luke’s shoulders. “At least one of you gets it.”</p><p>The shows they play in South America have always brought with them a special vibe, in Luke’s opinion. He’s not sure if it’s the fans, the venues, the fact that the cultures are vastly different to the one they’re used to, or something else entirely, but the energy present at all the shows is decidedly different than the energy found anywhere else in the world. It’s neither better nor worse, it’s just different in an unidentifiable way, and Luke’s happy to let it remain as such, as a small observation that the other three probably also notice, but that neither of them actually talk about to any greater extent. A silent agreement, of sorts.</p><p>They wrap the tour up in Rio de Janeiro on September 15th, and celebrate by going out afterwards. Crystal has flown in from LA, and Luke doesn’t have the heart to mock Michael for spending most of the night with his lips glued to hers. Calum and Ashton have no such qualms, though, and it all comes to a head when Michael, without breaking away from Crystal, pours his drink into Calum’s lap.</p><p>“You have fucking issues, mate,” Calum tells Michael as he accepts the stack of paper towels Ashton hands him and starts wiping himself off.</p><p>“We’re cute,” Michael says somewhat drunkenly, his face half-buried in Crystal’s neck. She grins down at him and pushes a couple of stray strands of hair away from his forehead before pressing a quick kiss to it. Luke doesn’t say it out loud, but yeah, they are cute.</p><p>What’s decidedly less cute is that by the time they’re heading back to the hotel, Ashton’s nowhere to be found. Luke realises why when he’s stumbling into his room and his ears immediately register a steady stream of decidedly female moans coming from the room connected to his by the wall on the right. Ashton’s room. The giggles Luke is letting out at his own clumsiness die out like dew before the sun, and he frowns as he discards his clothes and falls onto the bed. He struggles for a bit with the covers as he can’t seem to find the short end to pull up to his chest, and he gives up eventually, opting to let his feet stick out at the bottom.</p><p>He lies there on his back and stares up at the ceiling, unable to tune out the noises coming from Ashton’s room. Try as he might, he’s drunk and after spending the whole evening witnessing Michael and Crystal being in love, and now having to listen to Ashton doing something apparently quite amazing to a girl, he’s feeling a little miserable. He has half a mind to go knocking on Calum’s door and demand his company, but he remembers how green Calum looked in the elevator ten minutes prior, and he doesn’t much fancy watching Calum throw up. Drunk as he might be, he’s certainly <i>not</i> drunk enough to feel okay about disturbing Michael and Crystal either, though, and so he has no choice but to let his ears bear witness to Ashton fucking this girl’s brains out. </p><p>And Luke… Luke is drunk and alone and wishing that <i>he</i> had someone to fuck the brains out of, too. </p><p>Or someone to fuck <i>his</i> brains out.</p><p>It’s with the latter thought in mind that he shoves a hand under the covers and starts stroking himself in time with the dull thuds coming from the next room. He thinks back about three years, to Nashville, to St. Louis, to Chicago and to El Paso. The cities in which he had sex with a stage hand named Cole more times than he has any idea how he was physically capable of in only a matter of five days total. Cole, having been his first and so far only male sexual partner, is who Luke thinks about as he tightens his fingers around his dick and starts jerking himself a little faster. He recalls how it felt to be on all fours, biting the pillow to muffle his moans as he was pounded into from behind, how it felt to lie on his back with his legs wrapped around Cole’s waist, his head thrown back while hot words of praise were whispered into his ear, how it felt to ride Cole, his thighs burning with the effort until he slumped forward and let Cole take over the work.</p><p>His memories start melting together with the sounds coming from the other room, becoming one complete fantasy. Before he knows it, he’s biting down on his fist as he comes all over his hand and stomach to the mental images of Cole fucking into him, but with Ashton’s deep groans to go along. As he stumbles to the bathroom to clean himself up, his facial expression morphs into a disturbed grimace. He looks at himself in the mirror, scowling as he takes in his own flushed cheeks and messy hair.</p><p>“I need to get laid,” he mutters as he hits the bathroom lights and returns to bed.</p><p>When they all gather into a car to go to the airport the next day, Luke pointedly looks at anything but the red mark that’s peeking over the hem of Ashton’s t-shirt, decorating a spot on his upper chest. If Ashton notices that something’s off, he doesn’t speak a word of it, and by the time they’re back in LA, Luke has managed to force the memories of last night into a locked away corner of his mind.</p><p>If he had a momentary, involuntary, drunken, horny lapse of judgement, absolutely no one but himself needs to know.</p>
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  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, September 18th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>“Hey, look at me.”<p>Turning his attention to Ashton, Luke groans when he finds a phone being pointed at his face. “No,” he says, dragging the word out before he takes a sip of his beer. “Why? You’re not filming, are you?”</p><p>“Wanna take a pic,” Ashton says. “To commemorate the completion of another song for the album, this one coming almost fully from <i>your</i> brain, Lukey. Plus, you’re wearing a damn leather jacket inside and it’s weird as fuck.”</p><p>“I look hot,” Luke says, throwing a quick look down at his own body. The outfit is standard enough, but he’s having a good hair day and his skin is clear, and… Yeah, he does look hot, he thinks, and he doesn’t want it to end quite yet. He likes looking good, is all.</p><p>“Yet another reason for me to take a photo, don’t you think?” Ashton asks, waving his phone back and forth. “And if I do say so myself, your hair is looking beautiful. Tuggable golden curls.”</p><p>“Tuggable,” Luke repeats. “Whatever kinks you have, there’s no need for you to share them with me, just saying.”</p><p>“Because hair pulling is such an outrageous kink to have,” Ashton says, his tone of voice flat. “Just pose for a picture, why won’t you?”</p><p>Blowing a huff of air through his nose, Luke holds his finger up to the camera and plasters a small smile on his face. “Hurry up before I change my mind.” </p><p>No sooner are the words out of his mouth before Ashton’s pressing the shutter-button. Looking down at his phone screen for a moment, Ashton grins. “Great, just the right amount of carelessness this band’s image needs,” he says before he sits down next to Luke and shows him the <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BYuJyfRHFQy/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">picture</a>.</p><p>“I look like a dick,” Luke laughs. “It’s a cool photo, though. Send it to me?”</p><p>“What, you gonna post it on the socials?”</p><p>“Maybe, we’ll see.”</p><p>“Better credit me,” Ashton says absentmindedly, already busy locating his text chat with Luke to send the photo. “My photography skills need more acknowledgment.”</p><p>“So you keep saying,” Luke says. Taking a sip of his beer, he looks at Ashton. “Do you really think we can use this song on the album?”</p><p>Ashton puts his phone down as he eyes Luke with a surprised dent etched between his brows. “Why wouldn’t we be able to use it? It’s fucking amazing.”</p><p>“Yeah, but it’s kinda…” Luke makes a vague gesture with his hand, hoping Ashton will understand.</p><p>“Vulnerable?” Ashton guesses, and Luke shrugs. “Kinda the whole point of songwriting, isn’t it? Or, it’s how we’ve always done it, at least.” When Luke doesn’t respond, he adds, “No one’s gonna know who the initial idea came from, Luke. Jake and Rivers are gonna be credited as writers, as well as you and me; for all any outsiders know, the idea could’ve come from any of us.”</p><p>“They’re gonna know,” Luke says, having another sip of beer that he swallows quickly. “They know how ugly my relationship with her got in the end, especially after that whole… thing this summer. The… Instagram comments. They’re gonna know that <i>I</i> was the one who was desperate enough for a person to love me that I had to put it into words in the most direct and least poetic way ever.”</p><p>“Not everything needs to be so damn poetic to be beautiful, you know that just as well as I do,” Ashton says. “Sometimes it’s better to just put it out there like it is. And, for the record, there’s no shame in being a little desperate after a breakup. I reckon lots of people are gonna be able to relate to it.”</p><p>“Everyone’s love lives are in a sad, sad state, is what you’re saying,” Luke says, raising his beer in a silent toast before taking a swig.</p><p>“Yup, and this way, they know they’re not alone in being a bunch of desperate, downtrodden, sad excuses for human beings.”</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” Luke snorts. “Don’t ever say that out loud in public.”</p><p>Ashton grins. “For your ears only, baby.”</p><p>“Cheers.”</p><p>There’s a lull in the conversation while they sit there on the couch, drinking their respective beers. Luke lets his eyes drift left and right, from the drumkit in one corner of the basement, to the guitar and keyboard in the other, to the overfilled bookshelf right between, to the desk with Ashton’s computer right next to the couch they’re sitting on. </p><p>Despite having lived in Ashton’s house for almost four months, Luke can count on one hand the number of times he has spent more than two minutes in the basement. It feels like a forbidden area, in the same way that Jack and Ben’s rooms were off limits when they were growing up. Not that he thinks Ashton would threaten to kick his ass for paying the basement an unauthorized visit, but there’s still something about the idea of just wandering down here on his own to play the keyboard or use the computer that doesn’t sit right with him. The only reason he’s here <i>now</i> is that Ashton dragged him down as soon as they returned from the studio to try out the beat of <i>Why Won’t You Love Me</i> on his own drumkit.</p><p>“I was talking to Mike a couple of days ago,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Cool. I talked to him earlier today. Do I get a prize?”</p><p>“Funny, funny man,” Ashton drones, giving Luke’s foot a gentle kick. “We were talking about doing another tour.”</p><p>“What, now?” Luke asks, raising his eyebrows. “Last time I checked, planning and coordinating a tour took quite a while.”</p><p>“Think you can put that snarkiness aside for a couple of minutes?” Ashton asks, and Luke hums. “Thanks. No, he said that he had a talk with one of the crew members when we were in Japan last month, and this guy was in a band, but just as a hobby, right?”</p><p>“What, you want us all to get regular jobs and turn the band into a hobby project that we—” Luke clamps his mouth shut when Ashton gives him an unimpressed stare. “Sorry. Carry on.”</p><p>Taking a sip of his beer, Ashton nods. “They had a bunch of original songs, this band, but none of them were recorded, they just did gigs here and there where they played their songs. Kinda what we used to do, in the beginning.”</p><p>“I guess, yeah,” Luke says. “What does that have to do with us touring now, though?”</p><p>“Well, I was thinking— no, actually, that’s a lie, it was Mike’s idea. He suggested that maybe we do things a little differently this time around, that maybe we should go on tour <i>before</i> we release the album. Not instead of a typical promo tour, but in addition to one.”</p><p>Luke blinks. “But… a tour would take <i>at least</i> four months to plan, probably longer. Don’t you think we’ll have a single out by then?”</p><p>“But not an entire album,” Ashton says. “We could get a feel for how the songs are to perform live before we put them on an actual album. Could be fun, don’t you think? It might give the whole album a boost, if we figure out some good changes to some songs when we play them live, you know? Do some smaller venues to be able to really see the fans’ reactions since we’re going for a slightly different sound this time around, yeah?”</p><p>Ashton’s eyes are shimmering with excitement, and the sight draws an involuntary chuckle from Luke. “Maybe. I mean… I get what you’re saying, so… yeah, maybe,” he says. “Have you mentioned this to anyone who can actually make it happen, though?”</p><p>“No, I wanted to talk to you first. Michael said he’d ask Cal,” Ashton says. “Is that a yes from you, or…?”</p><p>“I—” Luke cuts himself off, rolling his lips. “When would it be? Not to be difficult, but I just… I don’t think I have it in me to get back on the road in— I mean, not too soon.”</p><p>“Not until sometime next year. Like you said, putting a tour together doesn’t happen overnight and we need time to finish up more songs and rehearse them and all, so… maybe late March, if we’re lucky? Or early April?”</p><p>Late March or early April. Luke drinks more of his beer, swallowing down as he considers the matter at hand. It’s only mid-September, so the tentative dates are half a year or more from now. Half a year that he can use to get himself fully back on track and prepare mentally and physically. It sounds like more than enough time, but then he thinks about the last four months and how he feels like he’s barely made any progress at all. He doesn’t panic if he’s out in public as long as he’s not alone anymore, and he doesn’t drink or cry himself to sleep on a near daily basis, but other than that…</p><p>“Take some time to think about it, okay?”</p><p>Luke shakes his head once to clear it. “Hm?”</p><p>“You don’t have to say yes or no right now,” Ashton says. Standing up, he holds a hand out for Luke to take, then pulls him to his feet with a yank. “But think about it before you say no, get back to me in a couple of days, yeah?”</p><p>“I— yeah, sure, I’ll… get back to you before the week’s up. Why are we getting up?”</p><p>“Because it’s almost midnight and you look like a trainwreck, so I think it’s time for bed.”</p><p>Luke huffs indignantly, but follows Ashton towards the stairs. “Okay, <i>mum</i>, I thought we established earlier that I look sexy.”</p><p>“A sexy trainwreck,” Ashton says over his shoulder. “Get some sleep and we can discuss the trainwreck-part.”</p><p>“I’ll hold you to that,” Luke says as they reach the entrance hall and start on the stairs up to the second floor.</p><p>Ashton sniggers. “Fucking narcissist, living for the compliments.”</p><p>“Good thing I’m living with you, then, since you love <i>giving</i> me compliments,” Luke says before he reaches out a hand to poke Ashton’s waist, giggling when Ashton lets out a surprised squeak and bolts up the remaining five steps.</p><p>Ashton draws to a halt when Luke’s caught up with him, right outside the door to Luke’s bedroom. “Do that one more time and I’ll kick you out of my house,” he says.</p><p>“Oh, no, whatever will I do?” Luke asks, staggering backwards until his back hits the wall, clutching his heart. “It’s not like I have my own house to go home to.”</p><p>Ashton flashes a bright smile. “You’d miss me so damn much you might as well be homeless with how miserable you’d be.”</p><p>“Sure, because who wouldn’t miss a roommate who starts making loud noises at seven o’clock almost every morning?” Luke says. Try as he might, he can’t conjure up any actual heat to match the words, though, because he <i>would</i> miss Ashton a lot if he was to move back home right now. The thought of being back in his own house makes his stomach kick painfully against his diaphragm, sending a shockwave of nausea to his throat, and he has to close his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, Ashton has taken a step closer to him, and there’s an almost sad tilt to his eyebrows.</p><p>“Time for bed, yeah?” he says.</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke mumbles. “I… I’ll get up early tomorrow and help you clean.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Luke clears his throat. “You said this morning that you were gonna clean the whole kitchen early tomorrow. I’ll help. It’s probably… you know, about time I started helping out more with all that… stuff.”</p><p>Inching his chin upwards a little, Ashton juts his lips out. “You know I was joking about kicking you out, right?” he asks. “And if I were to do it, it definitely wouldn’t be over housework.”</p><p>“No, I— I know, but…” Luke trails off, having no idea what he intended to end the sentence with. Maybe a part of him <i>was</i> thinking, or at least fearing, that one wrong move too many would prompt Ashton to ask him to move back home. Reluctant as Luke initially — at least for the first forty seconds or so — was to move in with Ashton, the idea of moving <i>out</i> strikes him as far more awful than the idea of moving <i>in</i> ever did. He can’t face the empty rooms yet, the lack of noise, not having someone to have dinner with, the knowledge that no one else is around twenty-four-seven if he wants company. </p><p>There are tangible reminders of everything that went wrong in one way or another in that house — his bed, where he would wallow for days at the time, drunk, stoned, apathetic or all three at once; the stain on the wall next to the TV from when he threw a full wineglass at it after he and Arzaylea broke up; the couch cushion full of cigarette burns that she was busy creating when Luke came home one day, crying over something he’d said or done to her. And then there are the few things she left behind, like the oversized t-shirt she liked to sleep in and the small pocket radio that she’d always have on when she was cooking and the salt and pepper shakers that she found in a small vintage shop one day when they were walking down a street after having had dinner. </p><p>They fit into each other, the salt and pepper shakers, like puzzle pieces. She said they were just like the two of them, and Luke remembers kissing her forehead and humming in agreement.</p><p>Those items would be the worst to lay eyes on, Luke thinks, because not only would they remind him of what his relationship with her turned into, but also of what it once was. Of what it possibly still could have been if one or both of them were wired just the slightest bit differently. He wonders idly if the way everything went down was mostly thanks to him, to her, or if they held an equal share of the blame.</p><p>He doesn’t realise his vision has fogged up until Ashton puts a tentative hand on his shoulder and utters a soft, “Luke?”</p><p>“Sorry,” Luke mumbles, blinking his eyes rapidly towards the ceiling. “I’m just… I’m gonna go to bed.”</p><p>“Alright,” Ashton says, voice still just as soft as he takes a step back to let Luke get to the door. “I’ll be up for a while longer, let me know if you need anything.”</p><p>Pushing the door open, Luke turns his head to offer Ashton a smile that he hopes comes off as genuine. His eyes, still a little wet, connect with Ashton’s, and for the second time in about as many minutes, his stomach gives his diaphragm a kick. It’s different this time, though, gentler and neither nauseating nor painful. It’s fluttering and delicate. </p><p>He blinks and shoots his gaze to the floor, muttering a quick, “Thanks, Ash,” before he steps into his bedroom and closes the door. Leaning back against it, he looks at Petunia, who’s lying on her front in the middle of the bed, looking at him with her head tilted slightly to the side in a quizzical manner.</p><p>“Yeah, I know,” he tells her as he gets undressed and crawls under the covers. Getting comfortable on his side, he sighs.  “I just lied to you, sweetie. Sorry. I <i>don’t</i> know, like… at all.”</p><p>Her only response is to exhale deeply and close her eyes.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Part 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Alright, what to say about this chapter… Oh, one thing I can say (without spoiling anything) is that the last 900 words or so of it was one of the first scenes I wrote for the fic as a whole. If my memory serves me right, I wrote it after the prologue and the first scene of chapter 1, but before anything else, so it’s been hanging around on my Google Drive for a long time. The story was written very much out of order, in case anyone was in doubt. </p><p>Aight, so, I’m also kinda nervous about posting this, so… I guess I’ll just leave it at something along the lines of, “Keep in mind that this is only the fourth of a total twelve chapters”? Yeah, let’s go with that!</p><p>Once again, thank you to those of you who take the time to read, leave kudos, comment, bookmark, send me asks and/or reblog the Tumblr-post; knowing that someone out there is enjoying this story never fails to make me smile, no matter how tired or drained I might be at times♥ Come talk on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Tumblr</a> if you wanna!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, September 29th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Despite Ashton’s reassurances, Calum’s grins and thumbs up, Michael’s words of encouragement, and the near daily pep talks Luke has given himself over the last week, he’s struggling in the recording booth. It’s not hitting the notes that’s the problem, nor is it remembering the melody or conveying the right emotions. Though it doesn’t hit him until he’s on his eighth try for the first verse of <i>Why Won’t You Love Me</i>, he realises eventually that what he’s struggling with, what makes <i>something</i> sound off on every take, is a variation of stage fright. Knowing that he’s being watched and listened to by at least six different people on the other side of the glass has his airflow stop when it’s not supposed to, making it impossible to utilise more than about eighty percent of his skills.<p>He has no idea how many times he’s tried to make the verse sound <i>right</i> by the time he tears his headphones off and sinks down on the chair behind him, perching his elbows on his knees while resting his face in the palms of his hands. Frustrated beyond belief and more than just a little bit anxious and embarrassed, he clenches his jaw and draws a steadying breath to keep himself from starting to hyperventilate or punching the closest object he can find.</p><p>“You okay?”</p><p>Luke looks up. Smiling tightly when his eyes land on Michael, he straightens his back and drags his hands up and down his thighs. “It’s all shit, isn’t it?” he asks with a forced chuckle.</p><p>“No, it’s just not quite right,” Michael says as he leans his shoulder against the wall, crossing his arms as he looks at Luke. “Reminds me of the first few times we ever set foot in a studio. You couldn’t get the vocals a hundred percent right—”</p><p>“Yeah, because I barely had control over my voice.”</p><p>Michael rolls his eyes. “No, it was because you weren’t able to let go completely when you knew a bunch of people were looking at you.”</p><p>Scrunching up his nose, Luke asks, “You’re a mind reader now?”</p><p>“You were thinking the same thing,” Michael says; it’s not a question.</p><p>“Something along those lines at least.” Groaning, Luke pinches the bridge of his nose. “Sorry. I don’t know what the problem is. I was fine when we were on tour, but it’s just… different in here.”</p><p>“Being in a studio is different than being on a stage? Yeah, no shit, Luke.”</p><p>“It’s just… I don’t know. A lot of pressure, and I can actually <i>see</i> everyone’s reactions and I know you’re all looking at me and I—”</p><p>“Want us to leave?” Michael interrupts. Luke gives a blank stare, and Michael shrugs. “I can grab Ash and Cal and… whoever else is out there who doesn’t actually, like, need to be there. It’s past eight o’clock and none of us have eaten since, like, one, so we’re all long overdue for dinner, anyway.”</p><p>“Oh,” Luke breathes, a mixture of relief and gratitude washing over him. “I— would you? I don’t know if it’s gonna help, but—”</p><p>“Might as well give it a go,” Michael finishes for him. “We’ll bring you back some food. Want anything specific?”</p><p>“Dunno, where are you gonna go?”</p><p>“I’m craving Chinese, so that’s what I’m getting. Might just get takeout, depending on what everyone else wants.”</p><p>Luke lights up. “Oh, fried rice, then. A large order. With extra shrimp and… maybe a couple of spring rolls. Three spring rolls. No, make it four.”</p><p>“A large order of fried rice with extra shrimp and four spring rolls,” Michael repeats. “Okay. See you in a bit.” He leaves the booth, and Luke keeps his eyes down to avoid meeting anyone’s eyes through the window; he doesn’t want to know how anyone’s reacting to being told that they need to get out because the band’s lead singer can’t sing properly when people are looking at him. </p><p>It’s pathetic, Luke reckons, that this is what it has come to. It was one thing back in the day, when they were all inexperienced and jittering with nerves and teenage hormones, barely able to rein in their excitement for long enough to actually get anything done, but now? Luke knows he’s supposed to be long past it, and he was, for the entirety of the recording process of <i>Sounds Good Feels Good</i>. But then he wasn’t over it, apparently. Another side effect of his personal life having gone to shit, and this one hits hard, because it’s affecting his ability to do his job.</p><p>It helps to only have Nolan on the other side of the glass, though, and Luke nearly drops to the floor in relief. He manages to get the first verse right on the second try, and he finds the right technique for the bridge within twenty minutes. The chorus is a bigger challenge, figuring it out takes so much time and energy that it drains Luke, and he knows that everyone must have returned to the studio by the time he has to throw in the towel.</p><p>Exiting the booth, he blinks his eyes rapidly in an attempt at waking himself up. “When’s the studio free again?” he asks Nolan. “I don’t think I have more in me today, but we still need to get the second verse and some lines from the end.”</p><p>“Monday,” Nolan says, eyes on his phone. “It’s free all day, so if you come in at seven, we’ll have it wrapped up by noon.”</p><p>“Alright, thanks,” Luke says as he turns around to leave the room. He stops with one foot over the threshold, though, biting his lip before he turns back. “Sorry about… all that.”</p><p>Nolan looks up and blinks once, then smiles and shakes his head. “You’re neither the first nor the last artist to struggle in the studio, Luke. Don’t worry about it. Figuring that shit out is part of the job, right?” There’s a stretch of silence before he adds, “Send in Ashton and Calum, will you? Michael’s done with his parts, so you two can go home.”</p><p>“Okay. See you Monday.” Walking down the hallway leading to a small lounge in the back, he hears the loud conversation taking place before he sees anyone. The lounge is a mess, seven or eight people being strewn about on the couches and the floor, miscellaneous takeout containers surrounding them. Luke stops in the doorway, smiling faintly until Calum notices his presence.</p><p>“There you are, we were starting to think you’d gotten trapped in the bloody booth,” he says as he rises from the floor and stretches his arms over his head. “Is it my turn now?”</p><p>“He asked for you and Ash,” Luke says.</p><p>“That’s my cue, too, then,” a girl who Luke can’t recall the name of, but who he’s fairly certain is a drum technician, says as she gets up from the couch. “You have to show me what needs to be fixed on that bass pedal, Ashton, ‘cause Nolan was vague as fuck on the phone earlier.”</p><p>“I’ll be right in, just gimme a moment,” Ashton says, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze as she passes him, before he walks up to Luke. “How did it go in there? Mike said you were having some problems, but he didn’t specify.”</p><p>Luke’s cheeks heat up at the embarrassment that blooms in his chest. “It’s alright, I figured it out, just… needed a smaller audience,” he says, doing his best to keep his voice casual, like it’s no big deal. “How long do you reckon you’re gonna be here?”</p><p>“Shouldn’t be too long, a couple of hours maybe.”</p><p>Checking the time on his phone, Luke grimaces. Almost ten thirty. “I’ll probably be asleep when you get back, I’m fucking beat.”</p><p>Something Luke can’t decipher flickers across Ashton’s face, but it’s gone before he can take a second look. “Tomorrow, then? Wanna go out and grab a late breakfast slash early lunch?”</p><p>A small spring of happiness flicks Luke somewhere in the navel-area, which makes him want to slap himself. His life isn’t so depressing that the promise of breakfast slash lunch at a café, diner or restaurant has any reason to inspire genuine happiness in him. Or, maybe it is, seeing as that’s exactly what just happened.</p><p>“Yeah, sounds good,” he says, and before he can think twice about it, he’s raised a hand to Ashton’s shoulder, letting his fingers drag down to his chest before dropping it. He doesn’t miss the confusion in Ashton’s eyes, but he doesn’t acknowledge it either. Clearing his throat, he says, “See you tomorrow,” and walks towards the exit.</p><p>Michael is waiting for him right outside, leaned up against the wall, playing a game on his phone. “Just wanted to let you know that we left your food in your car,” he says.</p><p>Luke makes a face. “You left fried rice and spring rolls in my car?” he asks. “It’s gonna smell for… days.”</p><p>“I didn’t really need to wait here to tell you, then,” Michael says. “Sorry, didn’t think it through.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Luke sighs. “How… I’m sorry I’ve forgotten to ask, but how’s living with Crystal going?”</p><p>“A lot better than expected, actually,” Michael says as they start walking towards their cars. “Not that I was expecting it to be shit, but, like, you never know. It’s nice having someone to come home to after a long day, and she likes her private time as much as I do, so there aren’t any conflicts about, like, me wanting to spend four hours straight in front of the computer, which is a nice change of pace. And she cooks. That’s nice, too.”</p><p>Luke hums. “Ashton cooks for me a lot. Dinner, lunch, breakfast. It’s… yeah, it’s nice.”</p><p>“Better that he cooks for you than the other way around, or we’d suddenly be short a drummer <i>and</i> a lead singer.”</p><p>“I’m not that bad,” Luke laughs. “You’re hanging onto the cooking skills of sixteen-year-old me, which really isn’t fair. Ashton does the same thing.”</p><p>“Prove it, then,” Michael says, grinning. “Invite me and Crys over for dinner sometime, and cook the whole meal yourself without any help from Ashton.”</p><p>“Fine, I will. Sometime. In… three years. Gotta… practice first. I’ll use Ashton as a guinea pig.”</p><p>“Just don’t poison him, please. If we’re doing a tour early next year, we kinda need a drummer, and I can’t be arsed to hold auditions for a new one.” They’ve reached their cars, and Michael draws to a stop. “We are doing that, right? Or, we wanna try to make it happen at least? Ashton said he’d asked you, but that you—”</p><p>“I told him I was in.” Fidgeting with his car keys, Luke coughs. “A couple of days ago.”</p><p>It took him more than the few days he’d asked Ashton for to finally reach a decision. He knows Ashton was getting anxious about the matter when over a week had passed, but he didn’t push, didn’t mention it at all until Luke came to him Wednesday afternoon and said that if the rest of them wanted to do a tour in the first half of 2018, he was in. </p><p>Even now, when he’s standing in a dimly lit parking lot with Michael, he’s not a hundred percent confident in his choice, though. It’s not that he doesn’t want to get back on the road, because he does; he wants to be on stage and sing and play his heart out, but he’s scared that prolonged exposure to instability and homesickness is going to tear apart every piece of progress he’s made in the last few months. It feels fragile, still, like all it will take is one wrong move or taking it one step too far, and he’ll be flung right back to where he was a few months ago.</p><p>The house feels too big without Ashton in it, especially when it’s late at night and Luke can barely see a meter ahead of himself in the bedroom before he flicks on the lights. His bedroom is the one room in the house that, if he closes the door to shut everything else out, Luke feels comfortable being in all by himself. There’s no restlessness or discomfort plaguing him in here, the outer walls shutting out anything that could cause him any sort of harm.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Tuesday, October 10th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Having decided that they want to do a tour unfortunately involves having to plan said tour as well, and while the logistics isn’t their job to deal with, they’re still required to come in for not one, not two, but <i>three</i> meetings before they’re even halfway through October. Luke knows it’s a silly thing to complain about, because in the grand scheme of things, they really aren’t called into a lot of meetings. They tend to come in chunks, if anything, so they’ll go to approximately sixty meetings a day for two weeks straight and then they’re off the hook for several months. It’s a good system, Luke thinks.<p>No matter how good the system is, though, it doesn’t do much to strangle the sleep inducing level of boredom Luke’s experiencing right now. He’s fighting the battle of his life to avoid zoning out as potential dates and venues are being read from a sheet of paper, and when Drew asks him if everything sounds good, Luke nods and smiles and says it sounds solid, despite only having caught about fifty percent of what has been said over the course of the last forty-five minutes.</p><p>“As long as everything goes according to plan, you’ll fly to Stockholm from LA on March 20th and play your first show the same day,” Drew says. “The last show will be in São Paulo on June 6th.”</p><p>Luke swallows, loud enough that Calum, who’s sitting right next to him, hears it and turns to look at him. “That’s… two and a half months on the road,” Luke says, worrying his bottom lip.</p><p>“Nothing you haven’t done before,” Drew dismisses. When all four of them turn to look at him, he sighs, then nods curtly. “There’s a pretty solid break between Singapore and Sydney for now. We were thinking of pushing a couple of dates in there, though, so—”</p><p>“No, we want that break,” Calum cuts in. “We’re not interested in working ourselves to the bone again. How long is the break?”</p><p>Rooting through the stack of papers in front of him, Drew clicks his tongue. “Three weeks, unless something changes.”</p><p>Three weeks. That’s more than long enough that they can go back home to LA <i>and</i> spend some time with their families before throwing themselves back into it. “That sounds good,” Luke says. “Don’t… don’t add any dates in that three week-period unless it’s absolutely necessary for some reason.” Looking at Calum, then Michael, then Ashton, he adds, “If that’s… cool with you?”</p><p>“Yeah, we’re cool with it,” Michael says, while Ashton and Calum nod.</p><p>“How many other dates are locked in?” Ashton asks. “You mentioned Stockholm, São Paulo, Singapore and Sydney, and you mentioned New York when we met on Thursday, so we’re basically going across all continents?”</p><p>“Two other European dates are ready, Milan and London on… March 29th and April 5th, respectively. We’re working on getting more dates, but we’ve had some issues with the venues. The North American leg is going to be the longest, no surprise there, and you’ll be happy to know you’ll be closing it with three California shows, LA, San Diego and San Francisco. We’re getting confirmation by the end of next week for a whole bunch of other dates, so…”</p><p>Luke zones out. He knows it’s unprofessional of him to not pay attention, like he’s back in school and can’t be arsed to listen to what the teacher is saying, but he’s tired. Lately, he seems to always get tired if he has to spend longer periods of time around people he doesn’t know well, and he wonders idly when that started happening. Probably when everything else started happening, he reckons.</p><p>The meeting ends a little before four o’clock, and Luke shakes Drew’s hand and thanks him before the four of them leave the building. His phone pings in his pocket just as they exit the lift and step into the lobby, and he’s both surprised and vaguely happy to discover a message from Sierra.</p><p><i>’hey, you free? just finished up a studio session, was gonna grab a coffee right down the street, wanna join?</i>’</p><p>Luke considers it as they make their way to their cars. Though he’s tired and the idea of being somewhere public with someone that isn’t Ashton, Calum or Michael makes him nervous, he gives himself a mental slap across the face. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to at least make an attempt at bursting out of the safe bubble he’s created for himself. Not to mention that socialising with someone other than the same three people day in and day out would likely be healthy.</p><p>He holds onto those thoughts for dear life as he types out an acceptance and a request for Sierra to text him the address.</p><p>“I’ll be back a little later,” he tells Ashton over his shoulder as he unlocks his car. “I’m gonna go grab a coffee with Sierra.”</p><p>Michael has already bid them goodbye and gotten in his car, but Calum overhears it and he grins at Luke. “Are you now?” he asks. “Is it a date, or…?”</p><p>As he opens the door on the driver’s side, Luke frowns. “I… no? I don’t think so?”</p><p>“You don’t sound so sure,” Ashton says, quirking an eyebrow.</p><p>“Because I’m not,” Luke says. “I didn’t… I didn’t consider that she might have meant— fuck.”</p><p>“Ask her when you get there,” Calum says. “What’s the worst that can happen?”</p><p>“That she says yes and then I have to tell her that I’m not interested,” Luke says. The idea alone makes his stomach curl with dread.</p><p>“Fine, then don’t ask her and if she says or does anything to indicate that it’s a date, just ignore it,” Calum says. “See you at the studio tomorrow, Luke. See you… whenever, Ash.” With that, he gets in his car and drives off, leaving Luke and Ashton alone in the parking garage.</p><p>“When are you gonna be back?” Ashton asks.</p><p>“In a couple of hours, maybe, depending on traffic,” Luke says. Nibbling at his bottom lip, he draws his eyebrows together. “You don’t think she meant it like a date, do you? She just texted and said she’d just finished up something at a studio and then asked if I wanted to join her for coffee. That’s not… it doesn’t necessarily indicate a date, does it?”</p><p>“I don’t know her very well, so I have no idea,” Ashton says. “Since when do you have each other’s numbers, anyway?”</p><p>“Since your birthday party, I’m guessing, since it was sometime after that that I found her name in my contacts.”</p><p>“Ah, right.” Silent beat. “Are you interested in her?”</p><p>Scratching the back of his head, Luke shrugs. “Not like that, I don’t think. We’ve texted a couple of times and I haven’t gotten the impression that <i>she’s</i> interested in <i>me</i> like that either, but… I don’t know.”</p><p>“Sorry to say it, but you should probably ask her, if you’re not sure,” Ashton says. “To save you both a ton of embarrassment down the line.”</p><p>While Luke agrees with Ashton’s advice, he finds it unbelievably hard to find the words to act on it when he’s sitting across from Sierra in an anonymous coffee shop twenty-five minutes later. She’s telling him about her work in the studio, about how something had failed with the recording equipment a week back and she had to record her whole song over again. Luke grimaces sympathetically, but doesn’t say anything, just lets her continue talking while giving an occasional nod or hum to let her know he’s paying attention. She talks a lot with her hands, Luke notices, not to mention how she conveys her emotions more through facial expressions than tone of voice. It’s cute, it’s objectively attractive, yet Luke doesn’t find himself interested in her on any other level than a strictly platonic one. </p><p>He wonders idly if his lack of attraction to her signalises that his desire for romantic relationships simply isn’t present anymore, like it once was.</p><p>“...and you’d think the guy would understand that writing and recording music isn’t exactly a nine to five job, right?”</p><p>“Huh?” Luke blinks. “Sorry, I… dropped out for a moment. What were you saying?”</p><p>“My boyfriend, he’s been kind of an ass lately because I’m not home as much as I used to be, but it’s not like he didn’t know what he was getting himself into when—”</p><p>“Wait, you have a boyfriend?” Luke cuts in, eyes widening.</p><p>Sierra tilts her head to the side. “Yeah…?”</p><p>“Oh, Jesus Christ, thank fuck,” Luke blurts out. The elderly couple sitting across from them shoots him an admonishing look, and he offers them an apologetic smile.</p><p>“Why’s that ‘thank fuck’?” Sierra laughs.</p><p>“Because I—” Luke presses his lips together and feels his face flush pink. “I wasn’t sure if you meant for this to be a… you know, date when you asked me and I didn’t think about it until after I’d accepted, so I was kinda… not sure how to tell you I wasn’t interested if that was the case.”</p><p>“Oh,” Sierra says with a surprised tilt to her eyebrows. “No, I didn’t mean for it to be a date. I just couldn’t be bothered to go straight home when I was done at the studio because it took almost two hours longer than it was supposed to, so I knew Daniel was already pissed, so…”</p><p>“You figured you’d might as well make him even more pissed by being home as late as possible?”</p><p>Sierra laughs again and shakes her head. “No, I texted him when I left the studio, told him I was having coffee with a friend before coming home. Figured I’d give him some time to cool off.”</p><p>“Ah, right.”</p><p>They talk for another half hour, and Luke tells her about their upcoming tour, about the progress they’re making on the new album, about how his mum called him a few days ago to complain that he hasn’t been home in too long, about how Ashton keeps complaining about Petunia being on the couch but never seems to actually do anything to get her to leave once she’s there.</p><p>It’s not until he’s pulling up in Ashton’s driveway that he realises that his palms remained completely dry all throughout his coffee date.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, October 15th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Will Rogers State Beach is just as dark and deserted as it was the last time Luke paid it a visit. It’s much warmer, though, despite the clock showing almost eleven at night. He wanders alongside Ashton in the sand, closing his eyes occasionally to take a deep breath and close himself off for all visual stimuli.<p>“It’s almost possible to pretend we’re back home when it’s like this,” Ashton says as they sit down in the sand, a few meters away from the water.</p><p>“When it’s like what?” Luke asks.</p><p>“Dark. The beach. I went to the beach as often as I could back before I met you guys.”</p><p>Luke lowers himself down to lie flat on his back. He’s going to be washing sand out of his hair for the next two weeks, but he doesn’t really care. “You never told me,” he says, looking up at Ashton’s profile.</p><p>“Never came up, I guess,” Ashton says as he turns his head to look down at Luke. “But yeah. I had a couple of friends who were a year older than me, so they got their licenses before I did. We went to the beach whenever our parents would let us. Or when we were all able to sneak out.”</p><p>“What did you do there?”</p><p>“Got drunk and slept there until someone was okay to drive again, mostly.” Heaving a deep sigh, Ashton too lies down, the side of his body aligning with Luke’s. “Or we went swimming if we weren’t able to get our hands on any alcohol.”</p><p>“Oh, how I miss those days,” Luke laughs. “Sneaking around parents, trying to find someone to drive us wherever or to buy us beer… Good times.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Luke’s vaguely aware of Ashton lifting one of his arms, and he jumps a little when he feels Ashton’s fingers combing through his hair. “Do you ever think about it, though? How hardly anyone really appreciates being a teenager?”</p><p>Inching his head closer to Ashton’s, leaning into the touches he’s being given, Luke nods. “Yeah. Sometimes. I mean, it makes sense that that’s how it is, because… it usually fucking sucks being a teenager, so I guess the good parts of it tend to get lost when you’re standing in the middle of it. It’s easier to remember the good parts later on, when all the negative parts are forgotten.”</p><p>“How nice would it be to relive it, but without all the angst and acne, though?” Ashton asks with a chuckle. “To just focus on the excitement of everything and being old enough to explore life, but not old enough to have to pay your own bills or have any real responsibilities.”</p><p>“I sometimes wish I could go back to that, just for a day or two,” Luke says, and Ashton hums quizzically. “To… you know, when my biggest worry was whether or not I’d pass my geography quiz and trying to figure out if the girl who sat next to me in English kept laughing at everything I said because she found me funny or because she pitied me.”</p><p>“Did you ever find out? About the girl, I mean."</p><p>“Not directly, but in hindsight I’m pretty sure she was trying to flirt.” Luke smiles at the memory, closing his eyes when Ashton’s fingertips press gently against his scalp. “Another shitty thing about the present in general, isn’t it? That you don’t— I mean, how things that make sense years later don’t really… register or make sense when they’re happening. It kinda… I don’t know, it makes it harder to appreciate life than it would be if you were able to understand everything that happens when they actually happen.”</p><p>“Imagine how overwhelming that would be, though,” Ashton says. “I think we’d all lose our minds pretty quickly if we were able to perceive everything that was happening around us when they happened.” Pausing, Ashton slides his hand from Luke’s hair to his shoulder, his arm ending up as a pillow under Luke’s neck. “I don’t think the human mind is designed to make sense of everything that’s happening around us when it happens. I think… to a certain extent, I think our brain chooses later on what we make sense of and not, and that we all die without having made sense or interpreted a lot of things that happened around us throughout our lives.”</p><p>Luke’s heartbeat has picked up its pace by the time Ashton stops talking. The words, while being abstract, resonates with him for reasons he can’t quite place. Maybe that’s Ashton’s whole point, though; maybe Luke has witnessed something, felt something, heard something, at one or more points in his life, be it something unimportant or something life altering, that he has yet to make sense of, but that his subconscious still recognises. Maybe it’s something he’ll never be able to make sense of, if Ashton’s thoughts carry any accuracy. They probably do.</p><p>Hoisting himself up on one elbow and flipping over on his side, Luke places his head on Ashton’s chest and his hand flat over Ashton’s heart. “It’s… if that’s correct, imagine how many things we never find out about our own lives before we die,” he says.</p><p>Luke feels Ashton’s shrug. “Just gotta make sure we make the most of the things we <i>do</i> find out about, then.”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess.”</p><p>They lie in silence for a while, Ashton’s arm eventually finding its way around Luke’s waist. Luke keeps his eyes closed as he focuses on the sound of the waves, the occasional gentle gust of wind that makes his hair flutter against his forehead, and the steady rhythm of Ashton’s heartbeat under his hand. He knows they’re in public, strictly speaking, and that anyone could stumble upon them at any given moment, but the chances are slim and Luke’s body is bathed in a sense of complacency that he doesn’t find too often. So, when the urge to press his lips to Ashton’s clothed chest presents itself, he doesn’t resist, but rather chooses to give in.</p><p>Ashton seems to still completely at the gesture, but it only lasts for a fraction of a second before he brushes Luke’s hair away from his forehead and graces it with a soft kiss. A smile tugs at Luke’s lips as a warmness spreads from where Ashton’s lips touched and throughout his entire body, ending with a tingle in his feet that makes him shiver.</p><p>“You cold?” Ashton asks.</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke lies, because it seems easier than to tell the truth, seeing as he has no idea what the truth is. “Wanna go home?”</p><p>There’s a beat of silence before Ashton says, “What?” There’s something odd in his voice, something decidedly happy, but it carries an edge of something more. Surprise, perhaps. Luke isn’t sure.</p><p>“Do you wanna go home?” Luke repeats.</p><p>“Yeah, no, I heard you the first time,” Ashton says quickly. “I just… no, nevermind.” He laughs softly. “But yeah, home sounds good. Wanna stop at Maccas and get a really late dinner on the way? Dunno about you, but I haven’t eaten since lunch.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Thursday, October 26th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Collapsing face first on the lounge floor, Luke wheezes as his lungs struggle to take in their desired amount of oxygen. He’s well aware that he’s probably dripping sweat all over the floor and that Ashton is going to demand that he takes a mop to clean it up later, but he can’t be arsed to care. His body has failed him spectacularly; his muscles are jelly, his nerves are on high alert, his sweat glands are overworked, and the only semi-coherent thought his brain is able to create is one about desperately wanting to be able to breathe like a normal human being again.<p>He lies there, refusing to move until his thighs have stopped trembling and his chest has stopped heaving. It takes God knows how long; it might be one minute, it might be twenty. Luke neither knows nor cares. Eventually, though, he heaves himself up on all fours, stays there for a moment, then climbs to his feet. His legs are quivering, all the way from his hips to his ankles, and he focuses all his energy on not collapsing to the floor as he walks to the bathroom and gets in the shower.</p><p>At some point after he’s cleaned his body, but has yet to condition his hair, Luke’s blood sugar plummets so fast he has to sit down and tuck his head between his knees to keep himself from passing out. He reaches a weak, shaky hand to the temperature knob, turning it down until the water turns cold, and then he sits there, breathing heavily until he manages to stagger to his feet and stumble out of the cubicle. Paying no mind to his hair, he grabs a towel from the cupboard and wraps it hurriedly around himself before making his way to his bedroom and falling over backwards onto his bed.</p><p>It takes a while, but he eventually regains enough strength to get dressed and go to the kitchen to find something to eat. As he munches down one, two, three bananas in a row, he leans heavily against the counter and thinks that it’s the first and last time he’ll attempt to work out without eating something first. Ashton and Calum have always insisted that they perform the best on an empty stomach, but it would seem that that approach isn’t for Luke.</p><p>Maybe it’s because it’s almost three o’clock in the afternoon, rather than Ashton and Calum’s typical seven a.m. workout slot. It doesn’t matter; Luke’s never doing it again.</p><p>It’s a couple of hours later that Ashton returns with a loud, “Honey, I’m home!”, swiftly followed by two sets of laughter that Luke recognises as Michael and Calum’s.</p><p>“I’m in the lounge, darling!” he calls back.</p><p>“Fucking adorable, you two are,” Michael says as he comes into sight.</p><p>“Yeah, Yoda, they really are,” Calum, who’s following right behind Michael, says.</p><p>“I think we’re cute,” Ashton says as he gives Calum’s back a shove to get past him to slump down right next to Luke. “Hey.”</p><p>“Hi,” Luke says. “What’s up?”</p><p>“Stumbled over a couple of strays, I felt bad for them, so I brought them home, figured we could feed them and give them a place to sleep for the night.”</p><p>“How humanitarian of you. What do they eat?”</p><p>“Scraps, mostly, maybe my plants if they’re hungry enough. It’s sad, really.”</p><p>“Maybe we oughta order a couple of pizzas to take them out of their misery, then?”</p><p>“Already on it, you fucking dickheads,” Michael says from the kitchen. “Three pizzas? One pepperoni with extra cheese, one Hawaiian minus the ham because Cal’s a freak, and one with extra mushroom, extra capsicum and extra onions ‘cause Luke’s an even bigger freak?”</p><p>“Excuse me for liking my body sans scurvy,” Luke grunts.</p><p>While Michael finishes placing the order, Calum joins Luke and Ashton on the couch, handing them a can of Coke each before he gets comfortable. “Music?” he asks, and doesn’t wait for a response before he turns on the TV and connects his phone to it via Chromecast.</p><p>“Done anything today?” Ashton asks, voice low enough for Luke to be the only one to hear.</p><p>“I went for a run,” Luke says. “Almost passed out in the shower after and then ate half the fruit bowl to get back on track, but… the run itself was nice.”</p><p>“Tried it without eating first, huh?” Ashton asks, and Luke makes a face. “It’s not for everyone, but at least you tried.”</p><p>“Not gonna try it again.” Luke pops open the can of Coke and takes a sip. “How did it go in the studio?”</p><p>“All done with <i>If Walls Could Talk</i>,” Ashton says, grinning widely. “Just gotta wait for the result now, Nolan said to give him a few days to work through it, he’ll call Cal once he’s done.”</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” Luke laughs, part incredulous, part joyful. “There is an actual chance we’ll get a third album out there, then?”</p><p>Smiling, Ashton shrugs. “Between two recorded songs and about five thousand that are half-written… yeah, I think there’s a fair chance.”</p><p>The pizzas arrive after half an hour, and it takes them all of fifteen minutes to devour all three. They’re left sluggish and sleepy afterwards, lying spread out on the couch with their legs partly entangled, and it takes a solid hour before anyone’s willing to move. It’s entirely unsurprising when the first person to move a muscle is Calum, and it’s even less surprising when the reason for said moving is that he’s going to the balcony to have a smoke.</p><p>“He’s gonna have to quit that shit if he wants to continue singing,” Michael says.</p><p>“Or if he wants to stay away from lung cancer,” Luke says.</p><p>Michael hums. “That, too.” His eyes shift to the music video playing on the TV, and he focuses on it until Calum returns. As soon as Calum has sat back down and Ashton has commented on how his couch is going to smell like cigarettes for a week straight now, Michael snaps his fingers to get their attention, holding up a small ziplock bag.</p><p>Luke squints, trying to make out the contents, but his vision fails him. “What is that?” he therefore asks.</p><p>“What do you think?” Michael asks.</p><p>Luke rolls his eyes. “I don’t know, I can’t see it from here, that’s why I’m asking.”</p><p>“Molly, Luke.”</p><p>“Oh. Right.” Luke takes a moment to let it sink in, then snorts. “You want us to sit here on the couch and do a party drug for absolutely no reason?”</p><p>Michael shrugs. “If you’re all game.”</p><p>No one says anything for a second, then Calum asks, “Do we have anything work-related on the schedule tomorrow?”</p><p>“You don’t get hungover from this shit,” Michael says.</p><p>Calum grunts. “No, but I’m always useless the day after doing it anyway. Just wanna lie down and eat and that’s it. It makes me lazy.”</p><p>“We don’t have anything tomorrow,” Ashton says before Michael can continue arguing. “Writing session at the studio for <i>Youngblood</i> on Sunday, I think that’s all we have until… Wednesday next week. New tour meeting then.”</p><p>Luke blows a raspberry. “Thanks, Ash, you made me wanna get high by mentioning that fucking meeting. Good going.”</p><p>“Is that a yes, or…?” Michael asks, dangling the bag back and forth in front of his own face.</p><p>Luke doesn’t know about the other three, but he hasn’t subjected his body to any type of drug since the day they came to his house to fetch him. It’s been even longer since he did anything that wasn’t weed. Not since Calum’s 21st birthday, he thinks. It’s different, he knows, to ingest any type of psychoactive drug when there isn’t alcohol involved than when there is. Safer. Less likely to go to shit. It’s also different to do it in familiar surroundings while the only other people present are ones he would trust with his life and then some, than to do it at a party where he only knows the names of thirty percent of the attendees. </p><p>“Yeah, give it,” he says in the end, leaning over Calum while holding out a hand. He waits for Michael to give him one of the small pills before he sits back and regards it. Looking at Ashton, he asks, “Got any rolling paper?”</p><p>“What do you need rolling paper for?” Calum asks as he throws back the pill Michael just handed him. “I don’t know if you should smoke this, mate.”</p><p>While Ashton gets up and starts rooting through a drawer in the dresser by the door leading to the hallway, Luke shrugs. “I like crushing it to powder, wrap it in rolling paper, then swallow it.”</p><p>“How does that make a difference?” Calum asks with a laugh. “Ends up in your system either way, doesn’t it?”</p><p>“Just how I like to do it,” Luke says. “Makes the effect more… I don’t know. It starts and ends more gradually, I guess. Or, it feels like it does, anyway.”</p><p>Michael, having just swallowed a pill, scowls at Luke. “You couldn’t have said that, like, three seconds earlier so I could have tried it that way, too?”</p><p>Luke is spared from having to answer when Ashton returns, handing Luke two rolling papers, a pad of Post-Its and a round crystal figurine the size of a ping pong ball. “Crush it, wrap it, swallow it,” Ashton says as he accepts a pill from Michael and slumps back down between Luke and the couch’s armrest. “Then crush and wrap mine, too.”</p><p>Never one to be disobedient for no reason, Luke makes quick work of crushing the two pills on two separate Post-Its, then brushes the powder onto the rolling papers and balls them up before handing one to Ashton. He’s about to put his own little paper ball into his mouth when Ashton grabs a hold of his wrist to stop him, and he turns to the side, only to find Ashton grinning.</p><p>“Here,” he says, raising his hand to Luke’s mouth.</p><p>Blinking down at Ashton’s hand, Luke giggles. “We’re feeding each other drugs now?”</p><p>“Yup, open wide,” Ashton says, his smile as bright as ever.</p><p>Eyes locked with Ashton’s, Luke doesn’t even think about it when he lets his lips part slightly, and he barely registers it when Ashton pushes the paper ball in. He’s too focused on the dance between fondness and playfulness that’s taking place in Ashton’s irises; he’s so focused on it that it’s on autopilot that he swallows the ball and nudges the one pinched between his fingers into Ashton’s mouth. Waiting for Ashton to swallow, he pulls back a few inches and grins.</p><p>The music playing from the Chromecast ranges from 90’s hits to obscure metal to country ballads, and Luke, Ashton and Michael mock Calum for his utterly ridiculous taste in music. Calum keeps insisting that a varied taste in music does <i>not</i> equal a ridiculous one.</p><p>“No, but having <i>Whiskey Lullaby</i> in your playlist does,” Michael laughs.</p><p>“It’s a beautiful song!” Calum insists haughtily. “Have you seen the music video? It’s—”</p><p>“Of course I’ve seen it,” Michael says loudly. Looking at Luke and Ashton, he adds, “We’ve all seen it, haven’t we?” When Luke nods and Ashton grunts in confirmation, Michael continues. “We’ve all seen the music video, Cal. Doesn’t make the song any less depressing.”</p><p>“Ah-hah! So, you agree it’s not a bad song!”</p><p>“I never said it was bad,” Michael says. “But it’s depressing as fuck.”</p><p>“Or romantic,” Calum argues.</p><p>Ashton laughs. “Yeah, in the same way that <i>Romeo and Juliet</i> is romantic.”</p><p>“What?” Calum and Michael say in unison. Luke opts to keep his mouth shut. Michael leans forward to look at Ashton, past Calum and Luke. “<i>Romeo and Juliet</i> is, like, a classic love story. How does that compare to <i>Whiskey Lullaby</i>?”</p><p>“First of all, they both end with both parts of the couple dead, so that’s how it compares,” Ashton says flatly. “And second, <i>Romeo and Juliet</i> isn’t a fucking love story. It’s a tragedy and the so-called love between those two was hormonal teenage infatuation, and six people died in it because of a damn family feud.”</p><p>Calum blurts out a laugh that sends drops of spit flying all over Luke. No one seems to notice. “Since when do you know shit about Shakespeare, Ash?”</p><p>“And since when did <i>six</i> people die in that book?” Luke asks as he turns his head to look at Ashton. “I thought it was just… well, Romeo and Juliet.”</p><p>Ashton has a pained expression on his face. “I <i>don’t</i> know shit about Shakespeare except for what I had to deal with in school, Cal, and… <i>Romeo and Juliet</i> is a play, Luke, not a book.”</p><p>“It’s a movie as well, though,” Calum says. “We had to watch the one with Leo in school.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, I remember that,” Luke says. “Wasn’t that… two weeks after we had to watch that forty hours long <i>Hamlet</i>-movie? The one with the dude who played Gilderoy Lockhart in <i>Harry Potter</i>?”</p><p>Lying down with his head in Michael’s lap and his legs on the top of the back cushions, Calum barks out a laugh. “Fuck, I’d forgotten about that. We had to analyze the whole thing, too, and I was paired with that guy who wouldn’t stop picking his nose while you got to work with… fuck, what was her name?”</p><p>“Hannah,” Luke says, a grin slowly forming on his face when the memory springs to mind.</p><p>“Biggest boobs and prettiest face in the class at the time, and this fucker got to write an analysis on <i>Hamlet</i> with her,” Calum says, gesturing to Luke while looking at Michael and Ashton in turn.</p><p>“Oh, neat, you’re regressing to the mental state of a sixteen-year-old,” Michael says, flicking Calum’s forehead.</p><p>“I was just pointing it out,” Calum says as he swats away Michael’s hand. “It was unfair.”</p><p>“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think I said more than four words to her throughout that whole project,” Luke says.</p><p>“Yeah, well, you were always a boob man, Luke,” Ashton says with a faux-comforting pat to Luke’s thighs. “It’s easy to imagine that your teenage self might have been distracted by a nice pair.”</p><p>“You lot are disgusting,” Michael says. </p><p>No one disagrees.</p><p>Though it’s been a while, Luke knows the drugs have kicked in when the TV screen starts to vibrate. Lolling his head to the side, he grins at Ashton, whose eyes are already on Luke.</p><p>“Hi,” Luke says. He’s vaguely aware of a new song being played, but his focus is on Ashton, and on how addictingly soft the cotton of his t-shirt feels under Luke’s fingers. “Soft. Fuck, it’s soft…”</p><p>“Kicked in, did it?” Ashton asks, but there’s nothing mocking about his tone as his own hands start trailing every easily accessible inch of Luke’s upper body. It feels far too good.</p><p>“Mhm,” Luke mumbles, twisting and moving his body around until his head is on the arm rest and most of his upper body is in Ashton’s lap. “You, too?”</p><p>Ashton laughs. “Why else would I be touching you so much?”</p><p>“Because I’m beautiful and nice to touch,” Luke says easily. He quite likes the lack of inhibitions he’s experiencing despite his head feeling as clear as ever. There’s no doubt in his mind that he could say or do whatever right now and it would be fine. It wouldn’t matter, but he would still remember it all in the morning. “Right, Ash?”</p><p>“You <i>are</i> nice to touch,” Ashton agrees. His eyes are drifting from Luke’s face to his waist along with his hand, over and over again until Luke starts squirming and their eyes meet. Splaying his fingers out on Luke’s chest, Ashton smiles as his other hand cups Luke’s face. “Pretty boy.”</p><p>Luke beams as he tips his head back for a moment, exposing his throat. “You’re nice to touch, too,” he says when they lock eyes once again. “Always have been. You don’t like being touched, though.”</p><p>“Can’t help it,” Ashton says. “I don’t mind when it’s you, though. It didn't make a difference before, if it was you or anyone else, but…”</p><p>Dragging his fingers from the underside of Ashton’s chin and down to where bare chest ends and t-shirt starts, Luke hums. “But it does make a difference, now. More than it used to, at least.”</p><p>Ashton opens his mouth, but before he’s gotten a word out, Michael calls, “What the hell is happening over there?”</p><p>Redirecting his gaze to focus on Michael, then Calum, then Michael again, Luke giggles. “Not a lot,” he says. “Just touching, ‘cause… touching is nice.”</p><p>“I want a smoke,” Calum says before anyone else gets the chance to say anything. “Luke, you wanna join?”</p><p>Luke doesn’t think much at all before he climbs to his feet and follows Calum out to the balcony. Once the door is closed and they’re surrounded by hot nighttime air, Luke throws his arms around Calum’s neck from behind and plants a kiss right underneath his ear.</p><p>Calum sniggers as he lights up his cigarette and takes a drag. “You’ve got nice lips,” he says, tilting his head to the side while Luke continues to press kisses along the column of his neck. “If it wasn’t <i>your</i> lips, I’d probably enjoy this in a totally different way than I am.”</p><p>“In what way are you enjoying it, then?” Luke asks in between kisses; he doesn’t want to stop, and he doesn’t intend to either, not until Calum asks him to.</p><p>“Just feels nice,” Calum says as he puffs out a cloud of smoke. The light grey colour creates a stark contrast against the dark blue sky. “Like a really, really good hug.”</p><p>“A wet hug,” Luke giggles. “Your neck’s all wet now. I did that. Can I give you a hickey?”</p><p>“Do you want to?”</p><p>“Not really.”</p><p>“Good.” Taking a step forward, away from Luke, Calum leans his elbows on the railing. “Tell me something, Luke.”</p><p>“Okay, Calum,” Luke says seriously as he walks up next to Calum. “What do you want me to tell you?”</p><p>“The album. The song writing. The recording. You’re struggling with all of it, why is that?”</p><p>Luke rubs his cheek against Calum’s shoulder for a moment before he replies. “I’m not struggling with the writing,” he says. “Not necessarily. Just struggling to show the results to anyone. Except Ashton. I showed my entire notebook to Ashton.”</p><p>“Of course you did,” Calum says as he turns his head to smile at Luke through blown pupils and flushed cheeks. “Why don’t you wanna show it to anyone else, though?”</p><p>Shrugging, Luke grabs the cigarette from Calum’s hand and takes one deep drag before handing it back. “Because… what if it’s shit?”</p><p>“We’ve all written shitty songs.”</p><p>“Yeah, but the shittiness used to be because of lack of life experience and all that crap, but it’s different now.” Luke whines as he winds his arms around Calum’s waist from the side, burying his face in Calum’s shoulder. “Everything I’ve written makes sense <i>now</i>, because I lived through all of it recently, but if we were to use any of those songs, or even just a line here and there, I don’t wanna look back at it in ten years and regret ever having put it down on paper.”</p><p>“Okay… the meaning of a song isn’t static, though, Luke.”</p><p>“What does that mean?”</p><p>Tossing the remnants of his cigarette over the railing, Calum turns around in Luke’s arms and pulls him close to his chest. “It means that a song may mean something different to you, me or all of us now than it will in ten, twenty or fifty years, but… that doesn’t make the lyrics any less important or valid.”</p><p>Kissing Calum’s cheek three times in quick succession, Luke nods. “Okay?”</p><p>“It’s all about the experiences that you tie to the lyrics, to the song as a whole or just to a line or two, and what you tie to the lyrics will change as you gain new life experiences, and therefore the meaning of our music will, too. So… yeah, the meaning of a song isn’t static. Maybe what we write about is shit, maybe it won’t matter in a year or two, but… maybe we’ll still connect with it when we’re old and wrinkly, for entirely different reasons than we do now.”</p><p>Luke tightens his hold around Calum for a moment before he lets go completely and takes a step back. “I wanna go back inside,” he says. “To Ashton.”</p><p>Calum snorts. “It’s just Ashton this and Ashton that with you lately.”</p><p>“I like Ashton,” Luke says as he steps inside, barely catching Calum’s, “So do I, but I don’t mention him in every single conversation I have,” before he closes the door between them. Michael is nowhere to be seen, and Ashton has taken his shirt off, leaving him in jeans and socks. Judging by how low-hanging his jeans are and the lack of visible underwear, Luke assumes he isn’t wearing any.</p><p>“Why are you half-naked?” he asks as he lies down on his back with his head in Ashton’s lap.</p><p>Pushing his hand up under Luke’s shirt, splaying his fingers out on Luke’s front, Ashton hums happily. “It was warm.”</p><p>“Hm, this is nicer anyway,” Luke says, turning his head to the side to rub his nose against Ashton’s stomach. “Where’s Michael?”</p><p>“No idea, he said something about Crystal and then went to the bathroom downstairs.”</p><p>“Phonesex,” Luke giggles.</p><p>“Nah, he asked if I had any bath foam, so I’m guessing he went to take a bath.”</p><p>“Did you have bath foam?”</p><p>“I own a bathtub, of course I have foam.”</p><p>“Why have you never told me?” Luke asks. “I like bubble baths.”</p><p>“Well, <i>you’ve</i> never told <i>me</i> that, have you?”</p><p>Luke grins up at Ashton, lifting a hand to drag a finger along his bottom lip. “Soft,” he says.</p><p>“You keep saying that about everything,” Ashton sniggers.</p><p>“But mostly you,” Luke says, because it’s the honest truth and he doesn’t see why he shouldn’t share it. Dragging his fingers from Ashton’s lip to his chin, he continues down his chest until he gets to Ashton’s stomach, then stops to feel the electrifying heat underneath his finger pads. He smiles up at Ashton, whose eyes appear even brighter than usual, despite his pupils being blown, almost completely swallowing the hazel in his irises.</p><p>“Feels nice,” Ashton says when Luke starts stroking up and down his abdomen, occasionally straying to his pecs. He shifts his hips a little under Luke’s head, pushing his hand further up Luke’s front under his t-shirt. “Nice touches.”</p><p>Grinning weakly, Luke asks, “Better than the girl you brought back to the hotel last month? After the last show?”</p><p>Ashton grins back, pressing his fingers against Luke’s sternum. “Noticed that, did you?” he asks.</p><p>“My room was next to yours and you weren’t exactly quiet,” Luke says in between giggles. “Whatever you were doing to her, it sounded like she enjoyed it.”</p><p>Ashton wiggles his eyebrows. “Want me to tell you what I did to her?”</p><p>Luke considers it for a moment, but ultimately shakes his head. “Nah, I can imagine it.”</p><p>“Oh, you can <i>imagine</i> it, can you?” Ashton asks, and the grin is back. “What is it you imagine was happening in there, then?”</p><p>“Something your grandma would be ashamed to know you partook in, for sure,” Luke says.</p><p>“My grandma told me when I was sixteen that I should never leave a girl unsatisfied, so I think she’d be proud, actually.”</p><p>“For real?” Luke asks, and when Ashton nods, he pushes his face into Ashton’s stomach to muffle his laugh. “Very progressive of her.”</p><p>The door to the balcony opens just then and Calum strolls in with a satisfied expression on his face. Barely offering Luke and Ashton a glance, he says, “I have a date, see you later,” as he walks towards the stairs.</p><p>“You have a <i>date?</i>” Luke asks incredulously. “I left you out there for, like, ten minutes and now you have a date? How the fuck did that happen?”</p><p>Stopping at the top of the stairs, Calum shrugs. “Maybe it’s more of a booty call than an actual date. I’ve got an Uber waiting for me outside, so… bye.” With that, he jogs down the stairs and half a minute later, the front door opens, then slams shut.</p><p>Sitting up, Luke throws one leg over Ashton’s lap and wraps an arm around his shoulders to steady himself, and frowns. “I don’t actually <i>care</i>, but I know I <i>should</i> care and that I <i>will</i> care tomorrow, so… is it a good idea for him to go hook up with someone when he’s high? God knows what he could end up telling this girl, whoever she is.”</p><p>“It’s fine, I’m willing to bet it’s just Camila.”</p><p>“Cabello?”</p><p>“Yes, Luke, Cal’s hooking up with Camila Cabello and this is the first you’ve heard of it,” Ashton says, rolling his eyes. “No. Camila… I don’t actually know her last name, but you’ve met her at least twice. She’s friends with Cal, they hook up on occasion, usually when they’re drunk. Or high, I guess.”</p><p>“Oh.” Luke whines a little. “Cal has a fuck buddy and I didn’t even know about it? That’s sad.”</p><p>“I don’t know if Mike knows either, to be honest,” Ashton says easily. “Speaking of Mike, do you think he’s drowned?”</p><p>“Maybe. Guess we’ll find out when his corpse starts to smell.” Sighing deeply, Luke nudges his nose against Ashton’s cheek. “Does anyone else in this band have a fuck buddy I don’t know about?”</p><p>“‘Anyone else’ meaning me?” Ashton asks as he tugs Luke fully into his lap by the waist so that Luke’s straddling him. “Because obviously Mike doesn’t have one and I think you’d be aware of it if <i>you</i> had one.”</p><p>“Hopefully,” Luke agrees, flattening his hands on Ashton’s pecs. Maybe it’s to steady himself, maybe it’s because it feels deliriously good. “So… do you?”</p><p>Gripping carefully onto Luke’s hips, Ashton raises an eyebrow. “What, you don’t think you’d have noticed if I did? We’ve been sharing a house for the last… almost five months.”</p><p>“We’re not always at home at the same time, though.” Allowing his gaze to linger on Ashton’s for a moment, Luke shrugs. “Or maybe you always go to her place. You could easily… you know, hide something like that from me if you wanted to.”</p><p>“Why would I wanna hide it from you?” Ashton chuckles. “No, Luke, I don’t have a fuck buddy. Nor am I seeing anyone. Nothing like that in my life right now.”</p><p>Luke takes a moment to search Ashton’s face. “What about KayKay?”</p><p>Ashton’s grip on Luke’s hips tighten a little. “We’re just friends. I like her, but… not like that.”</p><p>“You were kissing on your birthday, though. Making out, actually.”</p><p>“Just some fun between friends. We talked about it, and neither of us is interested in the other like that. Kissing’s just nice, you know?”</p><p>Luke nods, rolling his lips. “Okay, cool.”</p><p>“Cool?” Ashton asks with a chuckle. “What, you want me to be alone and lonely?”</p><p>“You’re not alone, you have me.”</p><p>Ashton smiles. “I do have you,” he says as one of his hands leaves Luke’s hip in favour of the back of his head. “Can’t really ask for more than that, can I?”</p><p>Leaning into the touch, Luke says, “You can, if you wanna, but… I’m right here, so you’re not alone. Don’t have to be lonely.”</p><p>Ashton’s smile slips a little, but it doesn’t disappear, nor does he retract his hands or push Luke off his lap. “Suppose I don’t,” he says.</p><p>With his brain still floating on the Molly dancing through his veins, Luke doesn’t think twice about it when he lets himself fall sideways onto his back and grabs a hold of Ashton’s shoulders to pull him down on top of himself. Ashton’s eyes are wide and unblinking when they connect with Luke’s, but he doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything at all to indicate what’s going on in his mind.</p><p>They maintain eye contact for a number of beats before three words Luke never thought he’d say to Ashton tumble out. “Kiss me, please,” he breathes, tilting his chin upwards.</p><p>Ashton licks his lips and draws a deep breath before he mumbles, “Luke...”</p><p>“Kissing’s nice, yeah? You just said so yourself.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Ashton nods, though it seems like it’s more to himself than to Luke. “I did say that.”</p><p>“So… will you kiss me?” Luke asks. “Please, Ash. Can you kiss me? Do you want to?”</p><p>Agonisingly slowly, Ashton closes his eyes as he dips his head until his lips are a ghostly presence against Luke’s. Their breaths become one and Luke feels like his body is about to erupt into flames, growing hotter and hotter by the second as they lie there. Objectively, he knows this is a potentially horrible idea; but he’s high and so is Ashton, and all he cares about is that it feels good, almost painfully so, to have a half-naked body aligned with his own. A half-naked body that he knows the look of almost as well as he knows his own, one that he’s seen transform over the years, but one he’s never touched to any greater extent.</p><p>The first press of their lips together is dry and tentative, but it’s also ridden with an unexpected amount of certainty. Fisting the fabric of Ashton’s shirt, Luke hitches his legs up at the knees to frame Ashton’s hips as he parts his lips and sighs shakily. Ashton’s hands find their way to Luke’s waist, and he tightens his fingers as their lips move against one another, slow at first, then quicker and harder until their tongues meet, and the mood shifts completely.</p><p>Grunting breathlessly, Luke plants his hands flat against Ashton’s lower back and pushes down while simultaneously rocking his hips upwards. Ashton takes the hint and grinds down, and the sensation goes straight to Luke’s dick.</p><p>He breaks the kiss for a second, only to mumble, “Again, do that again,” before he dives back in. Ashton groans into the kiss as he rocks down against Luke, and the growing bulge in Ashton’s jeans provides Luke with a type of friction he hasn’t felt in a long, long time. He starts meeting each of Ashton’s thrusts halfway, and before he knows it, his dick is fully hard and throbbing in his jeans as they move against each other in near perfect sync. The tension in his abdomen is rising higher and higher by each passing second, and when Ashton’s hold on his waist tightens further, he can’t help but whimper. </p><p>It happens so fast and so unexpectedly, hitting him with the intensity of a punch to the gutt, and he doesn’t stand a chance to stop it from happening. Not only because it feels too fucking good, but because he hasn’t as much as kissed anyone since May, and he hasn’t gotten off with anyone but his own right hand since April, and the result is that even if he was physically capable of stopping it from happening, he wouldn’t want to. Ashton’s hands are a big and relentless presence on his waist, his body solid and familiar and warm on top of him, slotted between Luke’s legs, grinding down with hard, practiced rolls of his hips, and Luke is weak and needy and unable to hold on any longer.</p><p>Breaking the kiss, he screws his eyes shut, digs his fingers into Ashton’s shoulders and moans brokenly as his orgasm shoots through him like a ball of fire and his cock twitches as he spurts into his boxers. He’s distantly aware of Ashton lifting his head and stilling mid-grind, but he’s too busy focusing on getting as much pleasure as he can out of the situation, hips bucking almost erratically, to care. </p><p>Eventually, though, his body comes back down, and that’s when his brain kicks back into gear and he slowly opens his eyes, panic starting to rise like bile in his throat.</p><p>Ashton’s looking down at him, kiss-swollen lips parted in obvious shock. “Did you…?”</p><p>The panic gives way for pure and utter humiliation at that, and Luke doesn’t answer, nor does he give himself time to think, before he pushes Ashton off and scrambles to his feet. Taking a moment to steady himself with a hand on the coffee table, he stalks off in direction of his bedroom. Ashton doesn’t call for him to come back, nor does he come running after him, and Luke’s part relieved, part mortified.</p><p>Tearing off his clothes, Luke grimaces at the stickiness on his dick. He grabs his boxers and wipes himself off the best he can before he crawls into bed, promptly burying his face in the pillow to release a groan. While it’s bad enough that he came in his pants after a few minutes of making out, what’s worse is that it happened with <i>Ashton</i>. His best friend of several years. His roommate. His bandmate. His… his Ashton.</p><p>He falls asleep like that, spread out on his front like a starfish, and his dreams are ridden with images of labyrinths, of running down aisle after aisle, restless and desperate and increasingly frightened. There’s no way out, at least not one he’s able to locate, and even though he knows he’s dreaming, it doesn’t make the realisation any less terrifying. Somehow, there’s something almost cathartic about it, too, though, about not knowing what to do or where to go, having to trust his own instincts and allow himself to fail a number of times before he reaches his goal.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Part 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another Friday, another update! This chapter contains two of my favourite scenes of the entire fic (the one that takes place on November 8th 2017 and the last part of the one that takes place on December 4th 2017, in case anyone’s curious) and I hope one or both of them land with some of you♥ Oh, the latter is also the scene that gave the fic its title, which happened as late as… I think early-/mid-January? This has been not-so-fun fun facts with Anna!</p><p>Thank you so much for continuing to put a smile on my face by leaving comments and kudos and everything, it means more than I’m able to express! Come talk on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Tumblr</a> if you wanna♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, October 27th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Though it’s hardly surprising, it’s still highly unwelcome when the following day turns out to be a tortured mess of emotions, nerves and anxiety.<p>Luke wakes up a little before noon, and though the all encompassing feeling of laziness he has to deal with is bad enough, it’s nothing compared to the emotional turmoil he’s going through as he recollects last night’s events.</p><p>He begged Ashton to kiss him. Ashton complied, for God knows what reason. Probably because he was high and the idea of kissing anyone, even if said anyone was Luke, appealed to him. They engaged in a horizontal makeout-session. They dry humped on the couch and… Luke wound up coming in his pants after only a few minutes. Ashton was shocked and possibly disgusted. </p><p>Luke ran away.</p><p>The memories are, sadly, clear as day, and Luke wants to bury himself under his covers and never emerge.</p><p>But the hours drag on, and when it’s nearing four in the afternoon, his stomach has started feeling like it’s well on its way to eat itself, his mouth is dry and tastes awful, and his entire body is cold and clammy. Throwing on a pair of pyjama pants, he peeks out into the hallway to make sure it’s deserted before he darts to the bathroom and gets in the shower. Though the hot water does little to ease his nerves, he can admit that it feels good to rid his body of the sweat and the remnants of his own cum. While he’s cleaning his body, ghostly echoes of Ashton’s hands on him flood through his mind, leaving him with a semi that he has no intention of acknowledging. No way.</p><p>His thoughts are all over the place while he finishes up, gets himself towelled off and returns to his bedroom to find a fresh change of clothes. He knows last night didn’t mean anything, that it was just the heat of the moment that got to them, that they were high, and that what happened was that Luke let his need for <i>something</i> do the thinking in a moment when his brain was floating on a dangerously easy-going cloud. He <i>knows</i> all of that, but as he slips into a pair of trackies and a hoodie, he can’t help but allow himself to wonder if there was <i>something</i> more going on in the background.</p><p>Because he asked Ashton to kiss him, he remembers wanting it so badly as Ashton lay on top of him, and what’s he supposed to take from that? Was it just because he wanted a kiss from anyone at all, or was it because he wanted a kiss from Ashton specifically? Dragging his hands slowly over his face, Luke exhales shakily. He can’t deal with whatever his emotions are doing right now; he’s tired and his brain is scrambles, and all he wants to do is order a pizza and eat it in his bed while watching <i>Family Guy</i> on his laptop.</p><p>Eyes darting left and right, he makes his way to the lounge, where he, as suspected, finds his phone on the coffee table. There’s not a sound to be heard, nor are any of the lights in his immediate vicinity turned on, so either Ashton is out or he simply hasn’t bothered venturing into the lounge or kitchen yet. Completely unwilling to wait for him to turn up, Luke returns to his bedroom, where he lies down on the bed and calls his favourite pizza shop to place an order.</p><p>A feeling of apathy that he hasn’t experienced in several weeks seeps into his bones as he lies there, waiting for his pizza to be delivered. He’s starting to drift into a restless sleep when his phone rings, and he drags himself to his feet to go to the front door to accept the pizza. After paying the delivery guy and giving him a generous tip, he returns to his bedroom, where he flips open his laptop and opens Netflix before he slips under the covers and gets started on the pizza. He feels disgusting and vaguely nauseous by the time he finishes the whole damn thing, wipes his fingers off on the sheets and puts the box on the floor, but he can’t be arsed to care.</p><p>The sun sets, the bedroom falls dark save for the cold light coming from the laptop screen, and Luke remains in the exact same position. He’s long since forced his brain to disconnect to avoid thinking about anything that matters, and while it doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t feel bad either. It doesn’t feel like anything at all, actually, which is fine, because that’s all Luke is equipped to deal with.</p><p>It’s almost eight in the evening when there’s a knock on the door, and Luke closes his eyes for a moment. He knows he should have expected it, knows that Ashton is far more confrontational than Luke has ever been or could ever hope to become, but that doesn’t make it any easier when the door slides open and Ashton steps into view. Freshly showered judging by the dampness in his curls and the vague scent of soap he’s emitting, Ashton offers Luke a hesitant smile as he steps over to sit on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“We should probably talk,” Ashton says while he crosses his legs in front of himself. “About last night, I mean.”</p><p>Reaching for his laptop, Luke hits the spacebar to pause the <i>Family Guy</i>-episode currently playing. “Yeah,” he says without looking Ashton in the eye.</p><p>Nodding, as if to steel himself, Ashton clears his throat. “It shouldn’t have happened,” he says. “We were high and we’ve been around each other a lot lately, been <i>closer</i> to each other than we ever have been, both mentally, emotionally and physically, and the mix probably had us a little… confused, so we made a mistake. Right?”</p><p>“Something like that, yeah,” Luke says. There’s something heavy, though unidentifiable that has settled in his chest, something that doesn’t like Ashton telling him that what they did was a mistake. Something he likes even less, though, is how Ashton’s words sound rehearsed, like he has spent all day in his bedroom or the basement, planning exactly how to let Luke know that what they did was stupid.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Ashton says quietly. “I shouldn’t have kissed you.”</p><p>“I asked you to do it,” Luke says, offering the best smile he can muster up. </p><p>“Yeah, but I could have said no.”</p><p>“I didn’t want you to say no.”</p><p>“You were high.”</p><p>“So were you.”</p><p>“Luke…”</p><p>Luke sits up properly and perches his elbows on his thighs. “It’s not your fault,” he says as he finally meets Ashton’s gaze. “We were both high and I… I don’t know. I asked you to kiss me, more than once, and I didn’t mean for it to end the way it… did.” Closing his eyes, he drags a deep breath in through his nose, then directs his gaze to Ashton’s shoulder before he opens his mouth. “I’m sorry I… came. I know it freaked you out, but it— it felt good and it’s been a really long time since I did anything with anyone, and it just… happened. I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to… you know.”</p><p>“No, Luke, it’s okay,” Ashton says, and it comes out accompanied by a sigh. “It didn’t freak me out, I was just surprised, because…”</p><p>“Because you didn’t expect my stamina to be equal to that of a fifteen-year-old,” Luke finishes with a humourless laugh. Ashton doesn’t argue. “Yeah. Me neither. But… look, I know we— I mean, the band, we tease each other a lot about… these types of things, but can we keep this particular story to ourselves, please? It wasn’t exactly my proudest moment and comedic value aside, there’s no… reason they should know.”</p><p>Ashton smiles. “Yeah, sure. I won’t say anything if you won’t.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Luke says. “Are we… okay, though? If not, I can move back home and—”</p><p>“No, no, no,” Ashton cuts in with a wave of his hand. “We’re okay. We made a mistake, that’s all. Don’t worry about it. You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you’d like.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Luke asks, sucking in his bottom lip. “If you’d rather keep me at arm’s length for a while, I’d totally get it.”</p><p>“I’m a big boy, Luke, I can look past this little indiscretion of ours,” Ashton laughs. He rises to his feet and straightens the jeans he’s wearing. “I’m fine with it if you are.”</p><p>Luke smiles and nods, and he watches as Ashton gets up and leaves, closing the bedroom door behind himself as he goes. Knowing that Ashton doesn’t resent him and that they can go back to their regular everyday lives was all he really wanted. The two of them are going to be fine, Ashton doesn’t want him out of the house, they’re not going to tell anyone about what happened. Everything is fine. Everything is stable and easy, like it always has been.</p><p>And despite all of that, Luke finds himself more restless than ever as he tries to fall back into a state of relaxation. It will come to him, he’s sure.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Tuesday, October 31st 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke feels like he’s on a different plane of existence, courtesy of the last two rounds of tequila shots that he downed alongside Calum and Sierra. The three of them are sitting in a heap on the couch of whoever’s house they’re at, and Luke’s not entirely sure what legs belong to who. He decides after a moment of contemplation that the bare, hairless legs right underneath his own are probably Sierra’s.<p>“Smooth,” he hears himself giggle as he drags his fingers up and down her calf.</p><p>“Dealt with it earlier today,” she says, grinning up at him from where she’s tucked between him and Calum. “It was getting borderline <i>Teen Wolf</i>-y.”</p><p>“Hot,” Luke and Calum say in unison.</p><p>Sierra rolls her eyes. “Unless you go through the trouble of removing hair from your own goddamned legs three times a week, you don’t get a say in whether or not leg hair is hot.”</p><p>“Three times a week?” Luke asks. “It grows that fast?”</p><p>“It does on me,” Sierra says, face pulled into a disgruntled grimace.</p><p>“I’m a naturally hairless specimen,” Calum says with a satisfied smile.</p><p>“No, you’re not, I’ve seen your balls,” Luke says. “And your legs and your ass and your armpits.”</p><p>“My ass <i>is</i> hairless, you fucker,” Calum says, reaching over Sierra to flick Luke’s nose. Luke frowns. “I mean, not the inside of my ass cheeks, but unless you were planning on seducing me tonight, I don’t see how that—”</p><p>“Can we talk about something else?” Sierra asks, laughing. “Not that I don’t love hearing about the insides of people’s ass cheeks, but…”</p><p>Calum shrugs as he frees himself from the tangle of limbs and gets up. “Anyone want more to drink?” he asks, but doesn’t wait for a response before he disappears into the crowd, heading in the general direction of the kitchen.</p><p>Shifting an inch or two back, Sierra tilts her head to the side. “Can I ask you something?”</p><p>“Sure,” Luke says.</p><p>“Is there a reason why you’re not out to the public?”</p><p>Luke’s alcohol-ridden brain takes a moment to register the words. When they do, his eyes widen and his jaw drops. “How did you… how did you know?”</p><p>Sierra blinks, seemingly confused. “KayKay told me a couple of months ago, I think Ashton told her?” she says, voice uncertain. “Shit, I thought you knew.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Luke shakes his head once. “I didn’t, but remind me to have a talk with Ashton later,” he says, heaving a deep sigh. “Just… don’t out me on the socials or anything, please?”</p><p>“You really think I’d do that?” she asks. “And if I was gonna do it, don’t you think I’d have done it ages ago?”</p><p>“Yeah, I… I don’t know, I’m sorry.” Luke smiles weakly. “I haven’t even told my parents. The only people who know— or, the only people I’ve told myself are Ash, Cal and Michael. And my brothers.”</p><p>“Which brings me back to my initial question: Is there a reason you’re not out to the public?”</p><p>“Why do you wanna know?”</p><p>“Honestly? I’m just curious,” she says, smiling crookedly. “I know it’s none of my business, but… yeah, I’m curious. Feel free to not answer, though.”</p><p>“No, it’s… alright,” Luke says, scratching the back of his neck. “It’s not… you know, intentional or anything. I just don’t see any reason why I should be, you know? If someone asks me directly in an interview or whatever, I’m not gonna lie, and… you know, if I end up in a relationship with a guy, I’m not gonna hide it just because of the… guy-aspect, but I don’t feel like just blurting it out on Twitter or whatever either. I know it could have a positive impact on our fans, but I just… don’t wanna go there, not right now at least.”</p><p>“Yeah, no, I get it,” Sierra says, placing a hand on Luke’s knee. “You’re right about how it’d probably have a positive impact on your fans, but it’s about you, first and foremost, so… I get it.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>The conversation comes to a natural end when Calum returns, balancing a tray filled with shots on one hand. Three of the shots fall over when Calum plonks down on the couch, and Luke lets out a shriek as he jumps up in his haste to get out of the line of fire.</p><p>“Now you’ve gone and ruined this couch, whoever it belongs to,” Luke says begrudgingly as he grabs two shots from the tray and downs them in quick succession. “Anyone wanna dance?”</p><p>“I’ll come,” Calum says as he bounces to his feet.</p><p>“I have to go find some water, I’ll find you out there later,” Sierra says.</p><p>It takes approximately two and a half songs for Luke to acknowledge to himself that Sierra probably had a point about the water. As typical is for packed dance floors, it’s hot and humid out there and Luke has a feeling that his vampire makeup will be long gone thanks to profuse sweating before he makes it home.</p><p>There’s a lull between two songs and Luke tips his head back to draw a deep breath, closing his eyes to stave off a wave of dizziness. He jumps a little when a pair of arms wrap around his back, a solid body pressed front to front with his own, and it takes him a moment to realise that it’s Calum.</p><p>“Are you cool with this?” Calum says right into his ear as the music starts back up. The bass is intense, but the volume is otherwise just low enough that it’s possible to have a conversation with someone if one speaks directly into one’s conversation partner’s ear.</p><p>“With what?” Luke asks, placing his hands on Calum’s shoulders to steady himself.</p><p>“This, all these people,” Calum says. “Mike told me about what happened on Ashton’s birthday, the panic attack. Were you ever gonna tell me?”</p><p>Through the haze of alcohol and sweat and the bass that’s making his whole body vibrate, Luke thinks he can detect a hint of hurt in Calum’s voice. “I kinda just forgot,” he says. “Sorry. It was Ashton’s birthday and then I got drunk later that day and… you know how it is.”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it,” Calum says, planting a kiss on Luke’s cheek. “But are you okay with all of this?”</p><p>“The problem isn’t masses,” Luke says as he leans into Calum. “Masses are almost easier than, like, stores and cafés and stuff, actually, because I can kinda just disappear into the crowd, you know?”</p><p>“Okay, if you’re sure,” Calum says. “What about in general, though? Leaving the house for this and that reason.”</p><p>Luke smiles weakly. “Still not a huge fan of doing it alone, but I’ve done it a couple of times now without disastrous results. It’s mostly okay when I’m with other people, though. Going to the store and to cafés and whatnot with Ashton has been fine for a while.”</p><p>It’s mostly the truth. </p><p>He still finds it uncomfortable when he finds himself and Ashton in a grocery store and someone recognises him; he’ll become vaguely nauseous and his hands will be cold and clammy by the time they make it back home. As long as they’re left to do their shopping in peace, though, he’s fine. It’s only been about a month since he dared venturing to a store all by himself, and it took almost a week of talking himself up before he actually did it; he sat in his car for almost half an hour after he parked outside the small, local supermarket, breathing slowly in and out, before he went in. </p><p>In hindsight, he realises he must have looked like a nutjob to anyone who saw him in that store, wearing an old pair of trackies and an oversized hoodie, hair tucked into a snapback while he kept his head hanging low and walked right into more than one shelf in his search for the chocolate bar he wanted. But he made it through and when he returned home, he couldn’t stop grinning for an hour afterwards.</p><p>Small victories.</p><p>Luke has no idea how long they stay on the dance floor, but by the time Sierra finds them and hands them a bottle of water each, he’s parched and chugs down ninety percent of the water in one go. Thanking Sierra, he excuses himself and pushes his way off the dance floor. He manages to navigate himself to the kitchen to grab a beer, then to the wide glass door that separates the lounge from a large back yard, and slides it open, letting out a happy grunt when the fresh air fills his lungs. There are a few people scattered about in the yard, but none of them pays Luke any attention, and he finds himself a lawn chair in a semi-secluded corner.</p><p>The alcohol helps him rein in the anxiety brought on by being on his own that’s pooling in his gut. He wonders idly if he’d be prone to develop an addiction of sorts if he was in the same mental predicament, but had a regular nine to five job that would require him to leave the safe confinements of a private residence on a daily basis. Would a different life situation lead him to drink his issues away? Would he be unable to stay sober for more than one day here and one day there?</p><p>It’s a chilling thought, Luke thinks, how much harder a time he would have coping with his issues if he had to do it under different circumstances. Or maybe that wouldn’t be the case; maybe he would be able to find a different path to follow in his search for contentment. If it wasn’t for the band, maybe he would have led a life up until this point that would have equipped him with strengths and values that he’s lacking now, ones that would have helped him cope in a different way. A better and more efficient way, perhaps. Or maybe said strengths and values would have stopped him from getting himself into the situation that caused him so much turmoil and pain in the first place.</p><p>As he sits there, pondering, a loud shriek, followed by a familiar laugh, grabs his attention. He searches the yard for a bit before he’s able to locate the source. A sprinkler has come to life in the middle of the lawn, and running and stumbling all around it are Ashton and KayKay. From what Luke is able to gather, Ashton is doing his best to grab KayKay to throw her over his shoulder, presumably to get her under the sprinkler.</p><p>Taking a slightly too generous swig of his beer, Luke’s chest feels oddly empty as he watches them. Empty, but simultaneously as if a medium-sized balloon has taken up residence in there. It looks like fun, in a childish and innocent way, to chase someone around like that, laughing and yelling at the same time. When Ashton manages to catch KayKay, Luke swallows thickly as the same feeling of complete and utter loneliness that engulfed him in his hotel room after the last show of the summer tour, once again takes over. He drinks, but doesn’t really taste the beer, and he watches as Ashton and KayKay eventually call a truce and slump down by a table on the patio, where Michael and Crystal are already sitting.</p><p>Luke knows there’s nothing going on between Ashton and KayKay, not unless Ashton lied to him the other day, and it’s not that there’s anything in the way they treat each other that suggests anything more than friendship. But as Luke watches them interact with each other and with Michael and Crystal, he can’t help but think that to an oblivious onlooker, the scene reads like two couples having a good time together. The realisation makes Luke feel more empty and alone than ever, and he slides further down on the lawn chair before he chugs down the rest of his beer and drops the can to the ground.</p><p>There’s a smile on Ashton’s face that doesn’t leave his face for as much as a second, a bright and easy one that Luke has seen hundreds of times over the years. Sometimes, it’s been directed at him, sometimes at other people, and he’s never given it any thought when the latter has been the case. Not until now, at least. It’s directed at KayKay, it’s directed at Michael and it’s directed at Crystal, but it’s not directed at Luke, which makes sense, considering Ashton probably has no idea that Luke is anywhere nearby. But as much sense as it objectively makes, Luke still frowns, a little miserably, because he wants to be the target of Ashton’s smile.</p><p>Better yet, he wants to be the reason for it.</p><p>It’s when that thought hits him that he decides he’s partied out and needs to get home before he thinks, says or does something he’ll inevitably regret. Making sure his phone, keys and wallet are in his pocket, he walks across the lawn, through the metal gate that leads out onto the street, then fishes out his phone to get an Uber to pick him up.</p><p>Though Luke has no idea where in LA he is, the drive home turns out to take less than ten minutes. Paying and thanking the driver, he stumbles a few times on his way to the front door, and he has to try four times before he manages to fit the key into the keyhole. Petunia greets him in the lounge with a wagging tail, and he slides to the floor behind the couch and lies down on his back, letting Petunia snuggle up against his side.</p><p>“Everything’s weird, sweetie,” he mumbles as he scratches behind her ear. “We’re not living in our own house and Ashton isn’t here right now and…” Closing his eyes to avoid having to look at the dark, spinning ceiling, he draws a deep breath and sighs on the exhale. “I wish he was here. Everything’s just… better when he’s around. Not that you’re not good company, but… you know.”</p><p>He chooses to interpret her snuffle as confirmation that yes, she knows.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Wednesday, November 8th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>The third time Luke and Ashton go to the beach, it’s Luke’s suggestion.<p>Save for several hours spent at the studio, writing and recording and trying not to lose his mind, Luke has been holed up in the house for over a week, and while he has no desire to go shopping or go out for dinner or coffee or go to the movies or a concert, the idea of returning to Will Rogers State Beach is appealing enough. More appealing than spending another late evening on the couch or in his bedroom, that’s for sure.</p><p>“Do you come here often? Alone, I mean.”</p><p>Ashton shrugs as he locks the car. Securing the blankets he’s brought with him under his arm, he slips his keys into his pocket. “Not so much anymore,” he says. “I used to, but I haven’t been here since last you and I went now.”</p><p>A cool breeze drags gently through Luke’s hair as they walk along the shoreline, and he tucks his hands into the sleeves of the knitted sweater he snagged from Ashton’s closet before they left. He sincerely hopes they don’t run into anyone who recognises them, because they’re both in less than flattering outfits and Luke’s fairly certain that neither of them have washed their hair since Sunday. It’s nearly midnight, though, and though the sky is clear and the waning moon does its part to illuminate the beach, it’s only fifteen degrees celsius according to the thermometer in Ashton’s car. A couple passes them when they’ve walked for a while, but they don’t seem to notice Luke and Ashton, too caught up in each other.</p><p>They don’t speak until Ashton has put one of the blankets down on the ground and they’ve laid down, side by side, underneath the other blanket. A little apprehensive, Luke rolls over on his side and pushes himself up on one elbow, flattening his other hand over Ashton’s diaphragm. </p><p>“Can I?” he asks.</p><p>“Can you what?” Ashton asks. “Use me as a pillow?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Go ahead,” Ashton says, moving his arms out of the way while Luke settles on his front, his side pressed against Ashton’s, head resting on Ashton’s chest. Winding one arm around Luke’s shoulders, Ashton snorts. “I offered you one cuddle, like, two months ago and you’ve gone full koala on me once a week ever since.”</p><p>“It doesn’t seem like you mind,” Luke says.</p><p>“Kinda hard to say no when you look at me with those big, blue eyes of yours and basically beg me for a cuddle.”</p><p>“I’ve never begged you for anything, especially not a cuddle,” Luke laughs. “I just like cuddling. That’s hardly news.”</p><p>“No, I guess not,” Ashton says. “It feels new, though. To me. Because you and I have never really been very physical, up until recently.”</p><p>“You’ve never been very physical with anyone, except people you’ve dated.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>They fall silent, and Luke wonders if Ashton’s thinking about the same thing as Luke — that it has only been a couple of weeks since they had more or less the same conversation. Last time, they were high, though, and the night ended in a more than just slightly mortifying manner. They haven’t talked about it since the day after it happened, and Ashton seems to have forgotten all about it, and if he hasn’t, he’s not letting it show. They have gone about their days as if nothing out of the ordinary went down that night, and while Luke is grateful, he also can’t help but think about it at least once a day; how Ashton’s lips felt when they moved against Luke’s, his half-naked body strong and heavy on top of Luke’s, his hands warm and reassuring on Luke’s waist. </p><p>He gave in on Saturday and got himself off in the shower to the memories, and he wasn’t able to look Ashton properly in the eyes for the rest of the day.</p><p>“It’s the alcohol.”</p><p>Luke doesn’t realise that his eyes have slipped shut until they dart back open at the sound of Ashton’s voice. “What?” he asks.</p><p>“I told you the first time we came here together that I was dealing with something,” Ashton says, his voice subdued. “And you said I could talk to you about it if I wanted to. Does that offer still stand?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course,” Luke says quickly.</p><p>“Okay.” Ashton swallows audibly and his fingers dig into Luke’s shoulder blade for a second. “It’s the alcohol. I don’t know how to explain it, I just know it’s a problem. It hasn’t had any negative impact on the band yet, I’m not so far in that it affects our job or anything, but I don’t have it under control either, like… not at all.”</p><p>Of all the things Luke could have pictured Ashton struggling with, this wasn’t it, which makes him feel like a pretty shitty friend. He’s familiar with the problems Ashton dealt with while growing up that were caused by alcohol in one way or another, and he noticed a long time ago that Ashton had a lower bar for reaching for the bottle than the rest of them. But he never thought much of it, never considered that there might be issues connected to it. </p><p>“How… how so?” he asks.</p><p>“It never feels like it’s my own choice,” Ashton says slowly, as if he’s considering his every word. “If we don’t have anything scheduled early the next day, I just… can’t not have a drink, and one drink tends to become five or ten or fifteen drinks. Even if I don’t always actually <i>want</i> to drink.” He draws a deep, shaky breath before mumbling, “I can’t control it, Luke.”</p><p>Luke bites his lip, desperately willing the lump in his throat to go away. “When— I mean, how long have you been struggling with it?”</p><p>“For years, probably, I just didn’t realise it was an actual problem until we went on this hiatus. We were functioning at a neck breaking speed and intensity for so long, so I didn’t have time to really consider whether it was an actual problem or not.” Ashton’s breathing is almost a little too steady, as if he’s concentrating on remaining in control. There’s a slight tremble to his voice that gives him away, though. He’s struggling to find the right words and to get them out. “But then everything stopped, all at once it felt like, and I didn’t know what to do with all the free time, so I guess I just… started drinking whenever I could without making anyone suspicious.”</p><p>“Yeah, I… well done,” Luke says with a curt chuckle. “I never… I mean, I noticed ages ago that you drink more and more often than the rest of us, but I didn’t… I didn’t think of it as a problem. Why haven’t you said something sooner, though? We wouldn’t have dragged you out with us or poured ourselves drinks right in front of you if we’d known.”</p><p>“It wouldn’t have mattered, that’s my point,” Ashton says tiredly. “Whether everyone around me or no one around me is drinking, it won’t make a difference if there’s alcohol available and I don’t have any obligations that require that I’m sober. I’m gonna drink either way. Sometimes five drinks, sometimes ten, sometimes… however many it takes for me to black out.”</p><p>“Oh…”</p><p>“I don’t want anyone else to know, at least not yet.” Ashton sighs deeply, his chest rising under Luke’s head, then falling. “And I know I have to deal with it at some point, but I’m not ready quite yet, so I need you to not pester me about it. Give me some time to figure it out on my own, okay?”</p><p>Luke is torn. On one hand, the idea of standing idly by while Ashton is struggling with an addiction is nothing short of heart breaking. On the other hand, however, he doesn’t doubt that Ashton has enough insight into his own mind to deal with the problem and to realise it himself if he’s not able to deal with it without help, be it from Luke, from Calum and Michael, his family or a professional.</p><p>“Okay,” he therefore says in the end. “But… please reach out to someone if you need it. If you can’t find your own way out and need a hand to guide you, or… if it gets worse, or… anything.”</p><p>“Why do you think I told you?” Ashton says, and it sounds like he’s smiling. “I don’t want you to walk around all worried, but if you see me starting to spiral, I want you to know what’s going on.”</p><p>“So, I’m allowed to say something if that happens?”</p><p>“Yeah. I don’t think it <i>will</i> happen, but if it does, then yeah. You’re allowed to say something.”</p><p>“Okay. Does anyone else know? Your mum or Cal or Michael or… anyone?”</p><p>“No, and I don’t want them to know either. They’ll insist that I quit cold turkey right away and I’m not ready for that. I’ll tell them when I’m ready to deal with it, but—”</p><p>“But not right now,” Luke cuts in. “I get it. It’s not the same situation, obviously, but… I knew that she and I should call it quits long before we actually did, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it there and then, so I chose to just continue… you know… so, yeah, I get it.”</p><p>“I knew you would. Thanks.”</p><p>“Hm. Thanks for… you know. Trusting me.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Luke takes a deep breath, the scents of the ocean and Ashton mixing together as they hit his nostrils. “Do you want me to tell you a little more about… I don’t know, the whole shitshow that was the relationship between me and Arzaylea?”</p><p>“What, like an eye for an eye-thing?” Ashton chuckles. “I shared some of my shit with you, so now you’re gonna share some of your shit with me?”</p><p>Shrugging, Luke says, “Maybe. I don’t know.”</p><p>“I’m all ears if you wanna tell me, you know that.”</p><p>Luke wants to talk about it, is the thing, but he still isn’t quite sure what to say or where to start, despite having contemplated the matter more times than he can count. Had it been anyone else he was talking to, he would be concerned about coming off as weak, emotional or just plain pathetic. But he knows Ashton, better now than ever before, and he feels confident that Ashton isn’t going to think of him as either weak, emotional or pathetic.</p><p>“I… she made me feel so fucking small and insignificant sometimes,” he starts, keeping his voice low. “I don’t know if she did it on purpose or not, but… she did.” </p><p>“Pretty typical for any type of unhealthy relationship, I think,” Ashton replies.</p><p>“Maybe. She still has that… hold over me, in a way, because she knows so much about me, stuff that only you and the other guys know, some of it… only she knows, and she— shit, she probably still has a bunch of pictures and videos of me that—” </p><p>“What? Oh, Luke,” Ashton half-laughs, half-groans. “You didn’t learn from Calum’s little accident?”</p><p>“I— well, I didn’t think it applied when the pictures and videos were on an actual <i>partner’s</i> phone!”</p><p>“What, so you sent her stuff when we were on tour, then? Or did she film you while you were—”</p><p>“Not going there. My point is that… I really don’t want any of those out there for the world to see. And… she has them, ready to be shared with just a couple of clicks, and I— it gives her a lot of power, you know? Not just that, either. It’s… everything I shared with her. All the personal shit and secrets and… everything.”</p><p>“Don’t you know stuff about her, too? Don’t you have pictures and videos of her?”</p><p>“Yeah, but I wouldn’t… I mean, I’d never tell anyone some of the things she told me about herself. Not even you. Sorry, it’s just… you know, it was between us, not… meant for anyone else’s ears, and that... it still applies, even though things are over and they ended the way they did. And the… you know, pics and videos she sent me or let me take of her weren’t meant for anyone else’s eyes. Guess they’re not meant for <i>my</i> eyes either anymore, but you know what I mean.”</p><p>“Maybe she’s out there thinking the same thing,” Ashton says. “I never liked her, you know that, and I hate her for doing what she did to you, but that doesn’t mean she’d—”</p><p>“It wasn’t all her,” Luke interrupts. “She was… bad, sure, but I wasn’t any good when I was with her. We brought out the worst in each other. I’m not… I hate myself for some of the things I said to her when we were fighting, some of the things I called her and accused her of. I was awful to her, Ash. Like… proper awful.”</p><p>Ashton stills for a split second before he asks, hesitantly, “You never… hit her, did you?”</p><p>“What?” Luke squeaks, eyes springing open. “No, of course not! Jesus Christ… It was never— I mean, she shoved me into a wall one time, but that’s the only physical altercation we ever got into. Unless… you know, angry sex counts.”</p><p>“Not unless the sex was non-consensual.”</p><p>“I’m pretty sure that’s called rape, Ash. Thanks for thinking so highly of me.”</p><p>“I just wanted to make sure,” Ashton says, rubbing his thumb between Luke’s shoulder blades. “I don’t think you’d ever do that to anyone, just to be clear. But you weren’t yourself for a long, long time, and you drank a lot and it felt like we lost you for a bit there, and…” He sighs. “Sorry. I just had to make sure.”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it,” Luke mutters. “But no. It never got physical. The… the words were bad enough, though. Sometimes when she was… yelling or throwing accusations and insults at me, I thought it would be kinder of her to just punch me in the face.”</p><p>“Words can hurt just as badly, if not more, than physical violence,” Ashton says. “I think everyone who’s grown up in a home where verbal fights were a daily thing can attest to that.”</p><p>“It was so good for a while, though, what we had,” Luke mumbles. “We were… I mean, it was exciting and I liked that she challenged me, but then— I don’t know. It stopped being fun and exciting and it became… draining and I just wanted— I just wanted to go back to what we had, you know? Like… we used to have these conversations about things that we dreamed about and they— the conversations were so good, they were… everything, and then things started going to shit and I—” Stopping abruptly, Luke screws his eyes shut, grinding his teeth as he forces a swell of tears back. “It was so fucking hard, Ash. I just wanted to get back to what we used to be, but it— it was fucking impossible because of all the shit we’d dragged each other and the relationship through.”</p><p>“I get it, I do,” Ashton says softly. “Do you miss her?”</p><p>“In a way,” Luke says. “But I miss the good times, the first few months, not… you know. I miss something that’s been dead and buried for ages.”</p><p>“That’s grief for you. When you lose something or someone, it’s not like you sit around and reminisce about the bad shit. I reckon it’ll be the same when the band calls it quits one day, whether that’s one year or fifty years from now. We won’t get all nostalgic over the arguments or the bad shows or the rude fans or the times we were so stressed or frustrated or exhausted or homesick that we wanted to scream and cry, right?”</p><p>“God, I hope not,” Luke chuckles. “That’d be a bummer.”</p><p>“Could you imagine?” Ashton laughs. “When we’re all in our eighties and we meet up to reminisce about the good old times, and the only thing we can remember is being constantly sick and tired of each other. That’d suck balls.”</p><p>“To be fair, that hasn’t happened a lot,” Luke says. “Being sick and tired of you guys, I mean. Not for me, at least.”</p><p>“That’s because <i>we’re</i> always sick of <i>you</i>, Lukey.”</p><p>“That explains it.”</p><p>It’s when they’re about halfway back home that Luke starts replaying his own words in his head, and with each replay, he alters the words a little bit, and he becomes more and more certain that there’s potential for a song in there. While Ashton drums on the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing on the radio, Luke pulls out his phone and opens the voice recorder, mumbling a couple of phrases right into the mic so that Ashton won’t hear.</p><p>“All the things that we dreamed about,” he mumbles. “I wanna get back to us, we used to have more.”</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>The rest of November passes in a flurry of sunshine, too high temperatures, and hour after hour spent in the studio. At least the studio has air conditioning, thus saving them from having to strip down to stay alive while they write and record; it happened on occasion while they worked on their first two albums, and none of them feel any incessant need for a repeat. So, while their clothes stay on and their bodies remain relatively un-sweaty, they power through writing session after writing session, and recording session after recording session, until they all start to feel chronically loopy. Ashton gets his wish about a classic song fulfilled in the shape of a slow track named <i>Ghost Of You</i> that the two of them write with the help of Andrew and Mitchell based on a few lines that Ashton and Daniel wrote several months prior. </p><p>Luke finds himself tearing up over it when he records the vocals, and while everyone notices, Michael is the only one rude enough to give him shit for it. He retaliates by hiding Michael’s guitar in the bathroom.</p><p>Calum comes up to him one day when November is nearing its end. Luke is sitting on the floor outside the recording booth, taking a quick five minute-break from recording <i>Better Man</i> when Calum sits down next to him and hands him his phone. A voice recording app is open, displaying a twelve second long clip.</p><p>“Play it,” Calum says, an excited glint in his eyes, and Luke does.</p><p>A smile stretches slowly over his lips as he listens, and when the clip ends, he grins at Calum. “Mocking Valentine’s Day now, are we?” he asks.</p><p>“No, just mocking all the stupid expectations connected to it,” Calum says.</p><p>Luke laughs. “Spoken like a true single person.”</p><p>“And as a fellow true single person, I thought you’d might have some input.”</p><p>That’s how Luke and Calum end up on the floor outside the recording booth, laughing as they scribble down idea after idea until Luke is called back into the booth. When he returns an hour or so later, Ashton has taken his spot, and he’s drumming his hands absentmindedly against the floor as he listens intently to Calum’s seemingly endless ideas.</p><p>“Never thought we’d do a song about Valentine’s Day, but this is really fucking cool,” he says when Calum stops talking. “Proper goth vibes and all. Could make for a cool video, yeah?”</p><p>Calum looks up at Luke, who’s hovering over them, then back at Ashton. “You think it should be a single?” he asks.</p><p>“Maybe, yeah,” Ashton says pensively. “I think it’s better suited than any of the other songs we have so far. It’s different.”</p><p>“All the songs are different,” Luke says. </p><p>Ashton hums. “Not as different as this one. Is Justin in today?”</p><p>“Upstairs with Michael,” Calum says. “Think they were gonna work on <i>When You Walk Away</i>. Why?”</p><p>“I wanna pick their brain a little, see if they have some ideas for this,” Ashton says as he gets on his feet and brushes off his pants. “You coming with, Cal?”</p><p>By the time November draws to a close, they suddenly find themselves with more than twenty songs written and four songs recorded. Granted, most of the songs written have been in the works for a while to a smaller or larger extent, but they’re all declared completed before November ends, and in Luke’s opinion, that’s what counts, and that’s what leads him to deem November an extremely productive month.</p><p>A number of the songs have single potential, according to themselves and everyone they’re working with. The issue, however, is that the label is fighting them on a couple of tracks and that their producers disagree with them about another couple of tracks. A discussion arises within the band about <i>More</i>, which Luke and Calum want as a single, while Ashton and Michael disagree. Calum isn’t too explicit about his reasons for wanting it as a single, but Luke knows very well why he himself does — it’s because it falls close to his heart, it’s because the initial idea for it came from <i>him</i>, it’s because the idea came from things he said while finally unloading some of the shit that has been piled up inside for several months.</p><p>The song carries a vague hint of something cathartic to Luke, and he knows he wouldn’t mind talking about it in interviews to promote it, nor would he mind performing it live over and over again.</p><p><i>More</i> doesn’t end up being a single in the end, though, seeing as Luke and Calum are the only ones who are pushing for it. Luke is still happy with the ones they have chosen so far — <i>Youngblood</i> and <i>Lie To Me</i>. The latter is fully recorded, but has yet to be mixed and mastered, while the former is complete. Between the label, the producers and themselves, they can’t seem to agree on two more, though, and the end result is that they decide to leave it for a little while.</p><p>The days in the studio are long, more often than not dragging on until the sun has long since set, and Luke acquires a tendency to fall asleep seconds after face planting onto his bed. On the days he’s unable to fall asleep, however, he can’t ever seem to turn his brain off, and he spends many a late night in his bedroom or on the couch, dabbling with lyrics and chords. He ends up phoning Michael at one a.m. one Tuesday to share a couple of lines he’s rather happy with.</p><p>“<i>Kindly fuck you for phoning me when I was right in the middle of a quest, because I died and it’s been an hour since I saved,</i>” Michael says as soon as Luke is done talking. “<i>But also… yeah. I like it. Feels a little self-deprecating, but, like, in a constructive way or whatever. Got a title?</i>”</p><p>“<i>A Monster Among Men</i>,” Luke says. “Or… maybe just <i>Monster Among Men</i>. Whatever. Do you like it?”</p><p>“<i>Yeah, I like it,</i>” Michael says. “<i>Bring it in tomorrow, yeah?</i>” </p><p>“Hm. Yeah, alright.”</p><p>“<i>I’m guessing Ashton’s asleep since you called me instead of asking him.</i>”</p><p>Luke grimaces. “He hasn’t come back from the studio yet, actually.”</p><p>Despite sharing a house with Ashton, Luke feels like he barely sees him throughout the last half of November. Their studio sessions don’t overlap more than three times, and whenever Luke gets home late, Ashton has usually already gone to bed and vice versa. It’s thought provoking and mildly disturbing, Luke thinks, that despite spending his days surrounded by people, he catches himself missing Ashton on a daily basis. He gets his fill of socialising and then some, more often than not returning home with his battery completely flatlined after having to talk and smile and focus all day. Somehow, though, there’s still a small part of his social self that doesn’t feel complete and satisfied unless Ashton is around, and Luke wonders when and where and how that development commenced.</p><p>Perhaps it simply has to do with habit, he tells himself when he arrives home one evening, once again without having seen Ashton all day. After all, he has become quite accustomed to seeing Ashton when he wakes up in the morning, before he goes to bed at night, for dinner, for weekly trips to the grocery store, for an occasional movie night in the lounge, not to mention the countless times they simply pass each other in the hallways, drink their morning coffee together in comfortable silence in the kitchen or on the couch, or run into each other on their way to the bathroom. </p><p>All that has suddenly been taken away, not even the bumping into each other in the hallways remain, and Luke hates it. He knows it’s only temporary, knows that the band has simply hit a collective creative stride and needs to take advantage of it the best they can while it lasts, but while he misses an occasional day off, what he mostly misses is an occasional day off spent with Ashton. Another nighttime trip to the beach would be nice, maybe preceded by Ashton cooking them dinner while Luke does what he can to help out, and maybe they could watch a movie when they return from the beach. And maybe, if Ashton isn’t in a particularly foul mood, Luke could sneak a cuddle into the deal as well, preferably while they watch the movie.</p><p>Though he knows it’s late and that Ashton is likely to want to go to bed as soon as he gets home, whenever that might be, Luke does his best to whip up a batch of pancakes as soon as he's showered and gotten into comfortable clothes one evening. The pancakes, despite looking more than just a little wonky, don’t turn out half bad in flavour, and Luke sets aside a tall stack for Ashton on the kitchen island before he eats until his stomach is aching and he has to lie down on the couch. His original intention was to stay up and wait for Ashton, maybe get a conversation in exchange for the pancakes, but before he knows it, the weight of the day combined with a full stomach lulls him to sleep.</p><p>He’s awoken some time later by a hand shaking his shoulder, but his body is heavy and his eyelids even heavier, and unfortunately it outweighs his need for time with Ashton. “No,” he mumbles into the throw pillow under his head. “Sleeping.”</p><p>“Yeah, on the couch,” says Ashton with a soft, tired laugh. “It’s almost two o’clock, Luke. Are you gonna stay here all night?”</p><p>“No,” Luke grunts. “M’back’s gonna hurt.”</p><p>“Then you should probably get up, yeah?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Luke—”</p><p>“No,” Luke moans. “‘M tired. Made you pancakes, though.”</p><p>“Yeah, I noticed. They were good. Thanks.”</p><p>“Hm.” Snuffling, Luke turns over on his back and holds up his arms, but refuses to open his eyes. “Carry me to bed.”</p><p>“Are you serious?” Ashton laughs. “I’m tired, too, you dick.” When Luke merely lets out a miserable whine in response, Ashton heaves a deep sigh, and the next thing Luke knows is that he’s being hoisted up bridal style, Ashton muttering, “Lazy fucker,” as he starts walking, a little slower than usual under Luke’s weight.</p><p>Luke, being as sleepy as he can possibly be without actually falling asleep, smiles contently as he leans his head against Ashton’s chest. “‘S jus’ like when you came and snatched me from my house back’n May,” he half-slurs. “Carried me like this then, too.”</p><p>Ashton snorts. “You look and smell a lot better now than you did that day, let me tell you.”</p><p>“Hm. How’d it go in the studio?”</p><p>“It went well. I finished recording the drums for <i>Babylon</i> and we finished <i>writing</i> the drums for <i>Talk Fast</i>, gave it a couple of playthroughs as well before I went home. Gonna record it tomorrow afternoon.”</p><p>“‘Kay. Only the bass left to record for <i>Babylon</i>, then. Good job.” Luke feels himself being lowered down onto his bed, then Ashton’s arms are gone underneath him. The bed is softer, but Ashton’s arms were more comfortable. More comfort<i>ing</i>, at least. Rolling over on his side, he starts drifting off immediately, barely getting out, “Thanks, Ash. Love you,” before he loses consciousness.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, December 4th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke is late. His alarm was set for ten a.m., which would have given him plenty of time to have a good breakfast, walk Petunia, watch the news and relax a little on the couch before he’s due at the studio at two. Somehow, though, he's managed to sleep through his alarm and doesn’t wake up until it’s almost one thirty. He’s hungry and slightly cranky as he walks Petunia around the block, letting her do her business before he returns to the house, makes sure her food- and water bowls are full, jumps into the first clothes he finds on his bedroom floor and drives off.<p>Despite having foregone both a shower and breakfast, he’s almost forty-five minutes late when he races into the studio, notebook in one hand, his laptop in the other. Four sets of eyes zero in on him as he draws to a halt in the doorway, and he clears his throat.</p><p>“Overslept, sorry,” he says, looking at Ashton, Calum, Asia and Steve in turn.</p><p>“How do you oversleep for an appointment in the middle of the day?” Asia asks as Luke finds himself a spot on the couch, next to Calum.</p><p>“By being a lazy piece of shit, obviously,” Calum says, whacking Luke’s leg with his notebook.</p><p>“Or by being exhausted and in desperate need of sleep,” Luke says. “Like… a lot of sleep. Many, many hours of it. Have you gotten anything done?”</p><p>“We’ve been here since seven this morning,” Steve says from where he’s sitting by the piano.</p><p>Luke raises his eyebrows. “Not an answer.”</p><p>“We may have something,” Ashton says before Steve can respond. He’s standing behind the piano, forearms leaned on top of it. “Fucked around on the piano for a bit, found a melody, Asia had some lyrics that fit with it.”</p><p>Luke nods. “Cool, show me.”</p><p>It’s a solid start to a song, Luke thinks. Steve plays what they have on the piano while Asia sings the lines to go with, and Ashton uses his hands to drum an improvised beat against the piano lid. What they have so far, Asia says once they’re done, is the first verse, a bridge and a tentative chorus.</p><p>“We haven’t gotten any further along with it in a couple of hours now, so we were thinking you, Jacob and Andrew could see if you could carry on with it,” Ashton says to Luke. “They’re coming in at four, Calum’s gonna stay back for a couple of hours, so… you up for it?”</p><p>“Sure, yeah,” Luke says. Turning to Calum, he asks, “Aren’t you tired, if you’ve been here since seven? Jacob, Andrew and I can manage without you if you’d rather go home.”</p><p>“No, it’s alright, I wanna carry on for a bit,” Calum says.</p><p>“I don’t,” Ashton says as he straightens up. “Or, I’m gonna work on the drums for this thing when I get home, but I need dinner, a nap and a shower first. Luke, did you walk Petunia before you left?”</p><p>“Pretty much the only thing I did before I left, save for putting on clothes,” Luke says, snorting.</p><p>“I’ll take her for another one before I go to bed, then,” Ashton says as he gathers up his things from where they’re lying on the floor next to the couch. “I was gonna grab takeout from Rustic Spoon, want me to get something for you that you can heat up when you get home?”</p><p>Luke doesn’t moan, but it’s a close call. “Fuck, I haven’t even had breakfast yet, I didn’t have the time…” Grimacing miserably for a moment, he adds, “But yeah, the BBQ chicken and some steamed broccoli.”</p><p>“The broccoli’s gonna be gross by the time you get home,” Calum points out.</p><p>“We have fresh broccoli in the fridge,” Ashton says. “You can just steam it yourself.”</p><p>“It’s not gonna be the same,” Luke mutters. “But fine. Get me some rice, too?”</p><p>“Fried?”</p><p>“No, just regular steamed.”</p><p>“Okay, see you… maybe later, depending on when you get home,” Ashton says, offering Luke a smile before he leaves, closing the door behind himself.</p><p>It’s quiet for a moment before Steve asks, “What, are the rest of us invisible or just plain unworthy of a goodbye?”</p><p>“Invisible, probably, since Luke’s in the room,” Calum says with a roll of his eyes. Luke keeps his mouth firmly shut and his eyes downcast, hoping his face doesn’t look as pink as it feels. “Anyway, about the chorus, I was thinking that maybe we could exchange, ‘I’ll always want you back’ for ‘I’m always gonna want you back’? I think it’d make the whole thing flow better.”</p><p>“We’ll have to change up the beat a little if we do that,” Asia says, tapping her fingers against her thigh. “Mind giving it a try on the piano before you go home, Steve?”</p><p>When the clock strikes four and Jacob and Andrew arrive, Asia and Steve bid their goodbyes. They’ve nailed down a new beat for the chorus to go along with Calum’s suggested change by then, and everyone agrees that it sounds better than the original idea. An argument about what the change actually <i>is</i> and what it means breaks out around four thirty, though. Luke and Calum are adamant that the only actual change is the number of syllables, while Jacob and Andrew insist that the meaning is slightly altered as well because of, as Jacob says, “Grammarly reasons”.</p><p>“The meaning doesn’t change even if, like, a couple of words have been changed,” Calum says as he rubs his eyes. “Whether we say ‘I will’ or ‘I’m gonna’, the meaning’s the bloody same — you want someone back and you’re always gonna want them back. The fucking end.”</p><p>Andrew shakes his head. “There’s a difference between ‘I will’ and ‘I’m gonna’.”</p><p>“Yeah, maybe, if you’re in school and you’re doing a fucking… literary analysis,” Luke says, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m with Calum, the meaning remains the same in the context of this song.”</p><p>“No, it doesn’t,” Jacob says, and he sounds just about done with the argument. Luke can’t blame him. “If you tell someone that you <i>will</i> always want them back, that comes off as a statement made in the heat of the moment, maybe in an argument or just as you’re breaking up and you’re sad or angry or anything in between, but if you tell someone that you’re always <i>gonna</i> want them back, that’s more of a thought-out statement that you’ve mulled over.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s just bullshit,” Calum laughs. “You can’t just assume that you know what’s going on inside someone’s head based on a fucking verbal tense. If I tell Luke now that I’ll always love him, it’s—”</p><p>“Then it’s gonna make me wanna sing Whitney Houston,” Luke cuts in.</p><p>“See, now you used ‘gonna’ to indicate a pre-thought-out action.”</p><p>“That wasn’t the point,” Luke groans. “Can we—”</p><p>“Why are you guys talking about grammar?”</p><p>Luke jumps and whips his head around to look towards the door, surprised to see Ashton standing there, looking at the four of them in turn with a confused tilt to his eyebrows. </p><p>“What are you doing back?” Luke asks as he takes in Ashton’s damp hair and his lax choice of clothing.</p><p>Holding up a paper bag, Ashton steps up to Luke and holds it out for him. “Food,” he says. “Since you haven’t eaten today.”</p><p>Accepting the bag, Luke peaks inside it, then looks up at Ashton and grins. “My BBQ chicken.”</p><p>“And rice and broccoli,” Ashton says, his eyes glinting with the hint of a smile. “Since steamed broccoli from that specific restaurant was so important to you.”</p><p>Groaning happily, Luke gets on his feet and pulls Ashton into a hug. “You’re the best,” he says. “Thank you. You didn’t have to drive all the way back here just for that, but… thank you.”</p><p>Ashton chuckles, and when he speaks, his lips brush against the side of Luke’s neck. “You’re extremely unproductive when you’re hungry, so it was for the good of the album, really.”</p><p>Tightening his hold around Ashton the slightest bit, Luke asks, “Not because you love me and want me to be happy and well fed?”</p><p>“Not in the slightest. All I care about is the album.”</p><p>“I’ll take it.”</p><p>The conversation comes to a natural end at that, but Luke doesn’t want to let go of Ashton. He wants to hide out in the warm comfort of Ashton’s arms; he feels safe and at peace there, and he doesn’t want to go to a place where those feelings won’t reach. Either Ashton knows what Luke’s thinking or he has the same thoughts himself, because he doesn’t pull away, even though he, like Luke, must be acutely aware that if the hug lasts much longer, someone else in the room is bound to comment on it. Luke allows himself to give the back of Ashton’s hair a quick stroke, and when Ashton responds by planting a quick, barely-there kiss right under his ear, Luke’s heart rate picks up a little. He has to take a moment to close his eyes and try to compose himself before he dares to pull back, because God knows what his face is doing. </p><p>No doubt something it shouldn’t be doing.</p><p>A slight smile is illuminating Ashton’s face from the inside when he has taken a step back to look at Luke. His arms are hanging limply along his sides, and Luke thinks to himself that they would be more useful if wrapped around him. Letting his eyes dart to Calum, Andrew and Jacob for a moment, he’s relieved to see that they’ve returned to writing, not paying him and Ashton any attention whatsoever. It’s a silly thing to be relieved about, perhaps, because he and Ashton are <i>friends</i> and friends are allowed to hug.</p><p>An unwelcome presence in the back of Luke’s head is taunting him, though. It’s sneering at him and it’s prodding at the fragile shells that contain more confusion and unfamiliar emotions than he’s capable of dealing with all at once. The presence has a voice, too, and the voice is asking questions, demanding answers that Luke isn’t prepared to search out. All he’s willing to acknowledge is that while having been aware since the day they met that Ashton is objectively good looking, he recognises that fact with an added dimension here and now. One that doesn’t have anything to do with objectivity whatsoever. </p><p>He sees the features he’s known for what feels like a whole lifetime, but etched between the solid lines of his jaw and cheeks, in the crinkles around his eyes, in the gentle upturn of his lips, Luke sees everything that Ashton has been to him over the last seven months. Every verbal reassurance, every physical sign of affection, every meal he has cooked for and served to Luke, every evening spent relaxing with the TV or a vinyl on, every bare and honest conversation shared between them and only them, every unconditional sign of support and acceptance he has shown. Ashton may not think much about any of it, he may think that the only thing he has done to help Luke is giving him an alternative place of residence, but Luke knows that’s not the case. </p><p>All the small things Ashton has done for him since May amount to a benevolent tidal wave that washed Luke ashore just in time to keep him from drowning.</p><p>Right now, though, when they’re standing in a studio in LA with their eyes focused on nothing but each other, Luke feels like he’s drowning again. It’s not due to exhaustion, anxiety or daily heartbreak this time, but rather to a desperate hope that he’s misinterpreting the fluttering warmth in his abdomen. </p><p>Maybe he <i>is</i> misinterpreting it. </p><p>After all, he’s never been any good at identifying or making sense of the situations he’s in when they’re happening.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Part 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If any chapter in this fic could be called a disastrous rollercoaster, it’s this one, so… I hope someone enjoys it?</p>
<p>I also just wanted to say that the comments you guys leave continue to astound me and they make me so incredibly happy, and I’m really sorry if my responses to them seem lackluster or unenthusiastic or anything like that. I just genuinely don’t know how to respond sometimes without it coming off like my ego’s the size of Jupiter on steroids, so if I seem ungrateful or something along those lines in my responses, just please know that that’s not the case at all; I’m unbelievably grateful that you take the time to leave a comment and sometimes, reading/re-reading your comments is what gives me the energy to get through a hard day at work with a smile on my face, so… yeah, just thank you so, so much♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Wednesday, December 6th 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Nickelback.<p>Always fucking Nickelback. </p>
<p>Every time they’re gathered as a band, whether it’s alone or with a couple of other people present, Nickelback ends up blaring from the speakers sooner or later. Tonight is no exception. What started with Calum barging into the house with a bag full of beers in one hand and two bottles of tequila in the other, demanding that they celebrate that the album is kind of, though also not really at all, finished before they all go their separate ways for the holidays, turned into Michael coming over with Crystal and KayKay in tow. </p>
<p>That was approximately four hours ago, and Luke has had more beers, more tequila, more Sambuca and at least four drags more of the joint KayKay offered him than what’s good for him. The reason he’s come to that realisation is that when <i>Burn It To the Ground</i> comes on and Ashton drags him from the kitchen, where they have all wound up for some reason, to the lounge floor and insist that they dance while Crystal <a href="https://twitter.com/Ashton5SOS/status/938585782893256704">films</a> the whole thing on Ashton’s request, Luke can’t think of a single reason to say no. </p>
<p>Actually, he doesn’t even <i>want</i> to say no, because it sounds like a solid plan. It <i>is</i> a solid plan until Ashton’s comical dance moves turn into him thrusting his hips in Luke’s general direction while playing air guitar. Despite being so drunk he’s seeing double and is struggling a little to stand up straight, much less perform any decent dance moves, the sight of it leaves Luke flustered and pink-cheeked. He’s therefore grateful when the song ends and Ashton retreats to the couch, where he’s soon joined by KayKay right next to him while Calum stretches out on the opposite end.</p>
<p>Not trusting himself to not say or do something utterly mortifying, Luke stays in the kitchen with Michael and Crystal. He’s quite impressed with himself when he manages to jump up to sit on the kitchen island without falling flat on his face.</p>
<p>“I should be in the Olympics,” he states happily, taking a sip of his drink through the pink bendy straw he found in a cupboard earlier.</p>
<p>“Not sure if they give out medals for performing simple jumps while drunk,” Michael says. Judging by the heaviness of his eyelids and the lazy grin he’s sporting, he’s on the far end of the drunk scale. He’s leaning back against the kitchen counter, Crystal standing right next to him.</p>
<p>“They’re not simple, though, that’s kinda the point,” Luke says before he takes another sip. “It’s very difficult to jump coordinately when you’re drunk.”</p>
<p>“Is ‘coordinately’ a word?” Michael asks.</p>
<p>“It is,” Crystal supplies. “But I’m not sure it means what I think you think it means.”</p>
<p>“What I think you think,” Luke repeats, giggling a little. “Silly. Pretty, though. You, Crystal. I mean. Pretty.”</p>
<p>Michael turns to look at Crystal, and the lazy grin turns into a dopey smile. “So pretty,” he says, planting a kiss to her naked shoulder. “The prettiest. And mine.”</p>
<p>Luke blows a loud raspberry. “Stop that, you’re making us poor single people feel bad.”</p>
<p>“Then stop being single,” Michael says. “Find someone to casually date, find the love of your life and marry them, find someone to fuck the brains out of for one beautiful night. Whatever it is you want, go find it.”</p>
<p>“I don’t wanna,” Luke says, and he may sound a little petulant. “I just want you two, and everyone else, to stop shoving <i>your</i> love down my fucking throat.”</p>
<p>“Then go out and find a guy to shove his dick down your throat instead, if having love shoved down there is so bad,” Michael says, shrugging his shoulders.</p>
<p>Luke’s jaw drops, and he looks at Crystal for a moment, then back at Michael. “What is it with this band and outing me against my will?” he demands. “First Ash and now you. The only innocent one left is Cal.”</p>
<p>“Huh?” Michael grunts through a mouthful of wine. He swallows it down, then rolls his eyes at Luke. “I said that as a joke that had, like, literally nothing to do with the fact that you actually like dick. I would’ve used the same joke on Cal or Ash, so… congrats, you outed yourself.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Luke slumps forward and empties his glass in two large gulps before he says to Crystal, “I like dick, just so you know.” Reaching behind himself in search of the tequila, he adds, “And pussy. Everything. I like everything.”</p>
<p>She smiles. “Good to know, makes the fishing pond bigger if I were to go fishing for someone you could date.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t,” Luke snorts as he refills his glass and puts the bottle aside. “I really don’t feel like getting involved with anyone right now.”</p>
<p>“You could at least get—”</p>
<p>“I don’t want a damn one night stand, Michael,” Luke says, a little louder than strictly necessary. “Too much effort.”</p>
<p>Michael snorts. “Finding the one night stand or the actual sex?”</p>
<p>“I’m too lazy for both these days,” Luke says, and it’s only a half-lie. He <i>is</i> too lazy to go out and find a one night stand, but he probably wouldn’t be too lazy for the sex-part if he got the chance. Hopefully. His sex drive is oftentimes dormant these days, as it has been for a long time, but it’s still <i>there</i> damnit and it’ll be happy to wake up when it has a reason to.</p>
<p>It found a reason to, a little over a month back, and woke up it did.</p>
<p>Michael excuses himself to go to the bathroom, leaving Luke alone with Crystal. She finds herself a spot next to him on the kitchen island, and though Luke’s vision is slightly distorted, he can see that she’s smiling at him.</p>
<p>“How are you doing?” she asks.</p>
<p>“Straight to the point,” Luke says, a curt laugh punching itself out of his chest.</p>
<p>“I can work up to it if you’d prefer.”</p>
<p>Luke hums around the straw in his mouth, swallowing down a gulp of tequila. “I’m better,” he says. “Not a hundred percent back to who I was before everything, but not the hot mess I was half a year ago either.”</p>
<p>“Is it necessary to get back to who you were before all that shit went down, though?” she asks.</p>
<p>“What, you think it’d be better if I remained a miserable piece of shit?”</p>
<p>She smiles, but it’s more indulgent than anything else. “There were reasons you fell so far into it all, wasn’t it? So, maybe it’s better to just learn from those reasons, whatever they were, and then throw them out the window, instead of trying to find your way back to them.”</p>
<p>Luke blinks at her. “Are you high?” he asks. “You sound like Ashton.”</p>
<p>“A little drunk,” she says with an easy shrug. “Am I right, though?”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Luke says. He puts his drink down and crosses his ankles where they’re dangling a few inches off the floor. “I’m not saying I wanna go back to being the exact person I was, but I’d like to relocate <i>parts</i> of that person, like… I don’t know. I’m getting there, though. One day at the time and all that.” Pausing, he purses his lips, then adds, “One song at the time, too, I guess. Making this album has helped.”</p>
<p>“I’m no expert, but that’s part of why you make music, isn’t it? Expressing yourself and working through things and whatnot?”</p>
<p>“Differs from artist to artist, I guess, but… yeah.”</p>
<p>Michael returns just then, stating loudly that Ashton’s bathroom is a mess. “Two people don’t need that many products,” he elaborates as he jumps up to sit next to Luke. “Is it mainly thanks to you or mainly thanks to Ashton?”</p>
<p>“It’s Luke’s fault!” Ashton yells from the couch before Luke has even opened his mouth to respond.</p>
<p>Turning his body almost fully around, Luke is ready to put up a fight, but the words die in his throat. </p>
<p>Calum seems to have fallen asleep, but Ashton and KayKay are very much awake. They’re lying down, KayKay half on top of Ashton. They look innocent enough, faces nowhere near each other, but Ashton’s hand is dragging lazily up and down her back, and he has a dopey smile plastered across his face. For what feels like the millionth time, Luke has to remind himself that Ashton <i>said</i> that there’s nothing going on between him and KayKay and that Ashton wouldn’t lie to him about something like that. </p>
<p>While Michael and Ashton engage in a shouting conversation to hear each other over the music, Luke turns back around and looks at his knees while he continues drinking. His thoughts are racing, but the most prominent one, the one that keeps coming back, is that that’s <i>his</i> spot that KayKay is lying in and how <i>he’s</i> the one who’s supposed to be getting back rubs.</p>
<p>And those thoughts aren’t okay. They’re the opposite of okay.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Saturday, December 23rd 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>The fact that Luke feels like he’s spent most of the time sleeping since he got home makes him feel a little bad. He knows how happy his parents are to have him home for the holidays, even if it’s only for a little over a week, and he’s fairly certain that he’s stomping all over that happiness by being passed out more often than not.<p>“Nonsense,” his mum says when he tells her as much after he has emerged from his bedroom a little before six p.m. and finds her in the kitchen, busy setting the table for dinner. “We understand that you’re tired, and to be honest, knowing that you’re safe and relaxed in your room and that I get to feed you proper food every day is the best Christmas present I could have asked for.”</p>
<p>Luke smiles and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thanks. I do eat proper food at home, too, though, so… you don’t have to worry about that.”</p>
<p>Raising a sceptical eyebrow, she says, “Every time I’ve talked to you on the phone and the topic of food has come up, you’ve only mentioned takeout.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Luke purses his lips. “Okay, we eat a lot of takeout, but it’s good takeout. Not all burgers and pizza, I swear. And Ashton cooks whenever he has the time and energy for it, and it’s… a lot of veggies.”</p>
<p>Putting down a serving tray with chicken breasts, Liz smiles. “Good. I’ll have to thank him for feeding you proper food, then.”</p>
<p>“Hey…” Luke complains. “I’m an adult, I’m perfectly capable of feeding myself.”</p>
<p>“And yet you don’t.”</p>
<p>“Well, no, because I don’t have to. But I could.”</p>
<p>“Okay, darling. Mind fetching your brothers and your dad, tell them dinner’s ready?”</p>
<p>“Where are they?”</p>
<p>“Lounge.”</p>
<p>Luke turns his head towards the doorway and yells, as loudly as he can, “Dinner’s ready!”</p>
<p>“Luke, for God’s sake…”</p>
<p>“What?” Luke asks, grinning. “You told me to fetch them.”</p>
<p>“Sit down before you give someone a heart attack.”</p>
<p>Shrugging, Luke does as he’s told, and a moment later, he’s joined by his dad, Jack and Ben. “Is this new?” he asks as he inspects the dining table.</p>
<p>“We’ve had it for a couple of months,” Liz says as she puts a large bowl of mashed potatoes on the table and sits down between Ben and Andy, vis-à-vis Luke and Jack. “Good of you to notice.”</p>
<p>Luke nods importantly. “I’m very observant.”</p>
<p>Jack snorts as he starts loading food onto his plate. “Sure. You’ve been home for, what, three days and you just now noticed that the table is new? And by the looks of it, you haven’t <i>observed</i> yourself in the mirror lately either, but… sure.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Luke asks, planting an elbow in Jack’s side.</p>
<p>“Your hair, dude,” Ben says as he accepts the plate of chicken from Jack and shovels two pieces onto his plate. “Not sure if you’re going for a weird nineties grunge-look or what, but—”</p>
<p>“I look angelic,” Luke interrupts. Turning to Liz, he grins and adds, “Right, mum?”</p>
<p>“Sure, honey,” Liz says.</p>
<p>Ben rolls his eyes and Jack mutters, “Brat.”</p>
<p>Silence falls over the dinner table for a while, the only sounds being the ones of cutlery against plates. No one speaks up until Luke gets started on his second serving before anyone else has finished their first.</p>
<p>“We’re not going to run out of food, Luke,” Andy says, a mildly amused quirk to his eyebrows.</p>
<p>“I’m hungry,” Luke says through a mouthful of broccoli.</p>
<p>“How?” Ben asks incredulously. “You’ve been home for three days and you’ve spent two and a half of those days eating.”</p>
<p>Luke shrugs. “I’m a growing boy, I need sustenance.”</p>
<p>“Do you pull that kind of manipulative shit on people back in LA, too?” Jack asks flatly. “You may have once been the baby of the family and your band and all, but you’re not anymore.”</p>
<p>“I remain the youngest, so yes, I am,” Luke says. “You suck, by the way. I eat just as much at home and Ashton never comments on it. He lets me eat and be happy. Clearly he loves me more than you two do.”</p>
<p>“He’s not your brother, it’s not his job to pick on you,” Jack says. “Speaking of Ashton, though…” He trails off, and Luke stops chewing for a moment, eyes fluttering nervously between all four of his family members in turn. “How long are you gonna be staying with him? It’s been a while now, hasn’t it?”</p>
<p>Luke releases a breath he didn’t realise he was holding in. He needs to get a fucking grip. “Not sure,” he says. “He says I’m welcome to stay for as long as I want, so I guess… no, I don’t know. I'll move back home soon, probably. Maybe.”</p>
<p>The thought that he has to move back home at some point is one that has been entering his mind more and more often since early December. More specifically, since he came to realise that his emotions may have run off to do their own thing, leaving Luke confused and a little frustrated on a near daily basis. It strikes him as almost irresponsible and stupid to stay so close to Ashton when all it seems to do is to cause him some sort of repressed turmoil. So, yeah, the idea of moving back home has struck him as a good one more and more often lately. The problem is that he doesn’t actually <i>want</i> to move back home.</p>
<p>Not yet.</p>
<p>Being back in the house he grew up in feels good, and despite it having been years since he shared a house with all four members of his family on a permanent basis, being surrounded by them all now feels like stepping into a time capsule. The only difference is that the bullying he suffers at the hands of his brothers doesn’t come from Jack being genuinely furious because Luke went into his room or from Ben thinking of Luke as an actual useless and embarrassing teenage dweeb.</p>
<p>But his room is more or less the same as it was the day he packed up his few belongings and left home for London. The decorations on his walls are the same as they were, the furniture hasn’t been exchanged, his bed is still clad in the light blue sheets that he insisted his mum buy when he was thirteen. He feels at peace, surrounded by his family in the house he knows like the back of his hand, where no one expects anything from him that he isn’t prepared to give. </p>
<p>As he sits on the couch later that night, curled up in the corner with a bowl of popcorn in his lap while <i>Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets</i> plays on the TV, he wonders if coming home instead of moving in with Ashton when his life was crumbling around him would have been a better option. He looks at his family in turn; at his dad in his armchair, at his mum in the corner opposite of himself, at Ben right next to him, at Jack who’s spread out on the rug in front of the TV, more interested in his phone than in the movie. The love for and trust he has in his family isn’t the same as the love for and trust he has in Ashton, though. It’s not weaker, it’s not lesser, nor is it stronger nor more, but it’s different in a way he can’t quite pinpoint. </p>
<p>A difference that served as a helping hand when he started crawling along the path of recovery.</p>
<p>The movie ends a little before ten thirty, and Andy and Liz stretch and announce that they’re going to bed. Not even two seconds after they’re out of hearing range, Jack gets up. “Anyone want a beer?” he asks as he heads towards the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Ben says, while Luke declines.</p>
<p>Jack returns after a bit, handing Ben a bottle of Carlton before he sits down in the armchair Andy just left. “Beach trip on Monday, yeah?” he says. “Before prawns?”</p>
<p>“No, I vote tomorrow,” Ben says. “It’s not gonna be warm on Monday. Or sunny. A little bit of rain midday tomorrow, but it’s gonna be hot.”</p>
<p>“Heat stroke sounds like fun,” Luke says dryly.</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Jack says. “Okay, tomorrow, then. Luke, you’re paying for lunch, since you’re rich and all.”</p>
<p>“I’m not—”</p>
<p>Jack holds up a hand, effectively cutting Luke off. “Yes or no: Do you own a piece of clothing or a pair of shoes that you paid more than a thousand bucks for without batting an eye?” Luke doesn’t respond, and Jack grins. “Thought so. Lunch is on you, little brother.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Luke snorts. “How’s Celeste, by the way? Mum said she’s spending Christmas with her family.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we’ll see each other for New Year’s, though, so it’s good,” Jack says. “When are you going back to LA?”</p>
<p>“The 28th, my plane leaves at… I don’t know, I think it was nine p.m. Maybe ten.”</p>
<p>Jack hums and takes a sip of his beer. “No chance of getting you to stay a few more days?”</p>
<p>“No, sorry,” Luke says, smiling crookedly. “Gotta record some stuff on the 30th, so…”</p>
<p>“Hm, yeah, alright.”</p>
<p>There’s a lull in the conversation, which ends when Ben asks, “Are you mad at mum, Luke?”</p>
<p>“What?” Luke asks as he chews on a piece of popcorn. “Why would I be mad at mum?”</p>
<p>Ben spins the chair fully around to face Luke and Jack, smiling faintly. “Because she went behind your back last summer and talked to your band about not wanting you to live alone?”</p>
<p>Diverting his gaze to the popcorn bowl for a moment, Luke bites carefully at the inside of his cheek, then shakes his head. “No. I was annoyed for a moment, but… I’m grateful now. I needed the help. Ashton said something back then, something about… how I’d be dead before the start of 2018 if I kept going the way I did and I think— I mean, he was right. Or, maybe— I mean, I wouldn’t necessarily be <i>dead</i>, but I definitely wouldn’t be in good shape right now and we wouldn’t be having an album coming out either. Not one that I’d played any part in creating at least.”</p>
<p>“So, no anger whatsoever?” Ben asks, and Luke shakes his head. “Cool. I feel comfortable admitting that the whole thing was my idea, then.”</p>
<p>Having just swallowed some popcorn, Luke starts coughing. “Your idea,” he repeats, voice a little hoarse once he’s managed to swallow.</p>
<p>“I was visiting mum and dad for a couple of days when you were sending those pics,” Ben says. “One visual update after the other about everything you were drinking. Remember?”</p>
<p>Luke heaves a sigh. “Not really, no, strangely enough. But okay, go on.”</p>
<p>“It was in the middle of the night in LA, early evening here,” Ben says, a hard, unrelenting expression on his face as he stares at Luke. “Dad was at a work thing in the city, so it was just me and mum here and you kept sending her pics, she was getting more and more freaked out, totally certain that you were gonna drink yourself into an early grave.”</p>
<p>Luke swallows, curls a little further in on himself before he mumbles, “I don’t remember that. I don’t— I don’t doubt that it’s true, but I don’t… remember it.”</p>
<p>Dragging a hand over his face, Ben nods jerkily. “Mum was barely coherent, Luke, she was so scared I don’t think she even thought about calling someone over there to go and stop you.”</p>
<p>“But you did,” Luke says quietly.</p>
<p>“Yeah. I managed to calm her down a little and tell her to phone Ashton, Michael or Calum, and ask if one of them could take you in for a bit, and they—”</p>
<p>“I know the rest,” Luke says. Squeezing his eyes shut, he inhales shakily. “They came and picked me up, all three of them. I remember bits and pieces of it. I couldn’t— they had to carry me out and get me in the shower and… yeah.” He slides further down on the couch and folds his arms tightly over his chest. “I guess… me sending mum all that shit was a subconscious cry for help. I wouldn’t have done it like that if I was sober, though, I didn’t want— shit. I never meant to freak her out like that.”</p>
<p>“Just don’t do it again,” Jack says, raising his beer in a silent toast. “You’re better now, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m better now. Not perfect, but…”</p>
<p>“Obviously not,” Jack says somberly. “That hair just about ruins any chances you ever had at being perfect.”</p>
<p>“Your hair is just as bad as mine, you fucking cunt!” Luke exclaims, laughing.</p>
<p>“But I’m ten times as handsome as you, so I pull it off,” Jack says, smiling widely.</p>
<p>The clock ticks on and before Luke knows it, it’s almost three in the morning and his eyelids are drooping with exhaustion as he pays half a mind to the conversation Jack and Ben are engaged in. He finds it funny how he’s the youngest, yet he seems to be the one with the least amount of late night energy. It’s not how it used to be, he used to be able to effortlessly stay up until sunrise no matter when he woke up in the morning, but it would seem that that side of him has evaporated. Or at least taken a temporary leave of absence.</p>
<p>He ends up falling asleep on the couch, and though no one carries him off to bed at any point, he wakes up the following morning with a blanket draped over him.</p>
<p>And a Post-It stuck to his forehead that says, <i>’Rockstar my ass, first one asleep!!! Fucking loser!!!’</i></p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, December 31st 2017</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>New Year’s Eve is kicked off before the clock even strikes three in the afternoon when Ashton deems it necessary that they film themselves dancing around in the lounge wearing party glasses and then upload the video for all the world to see. They pair it with a quick video where they wish everyone happy new year and deliver a promise of an annoying amount of 5 Seconds of Summer content in the year to come.<p>Luke has a solid buzz going on by the time the clock shows five p.m., and seeing as he by then has long since gotten ready for the night’s party, he’s quite pleased with his own planning abilities. He says as much to Ashton, who rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>“Would it have mattered if you got drunk first, then got ready?” Ashton asks through a mouthful of pizza. He’s sitting on the counter, facing Luke, who’s plonked himself down on the kitchen island.</p>
<p>“My hair would have turned out, like… super unsexy,” Luke says before he puts half a slice of pizza into his mouth in one go, chews and swallows. “Not to mention the glitter on my face. It would have gotten everywhere.”</p>
<p>Ashton grunts. “It <i>is</i> everywhere. The bathroom looks like a unicorn threw up in there.”</p>
<p>“I expect we’ll both be peeing glitter for the next two weeks. Maybe we should film it and post it somewhere, create a bit of content out of it?”</p>
<p>“You and your content,” Ashton laughs. “I don’t think the fans would respond too well to a video of one of us taking a piss, to be honest.”</p>
<p>“Sure they would,” Luke dismisses. He grabs the last slice of his pizza and eats it at what has to be record speed before he jumps to the floor and puts the empty box in the trash.</p>
<p>“Maybe that could be a thing we do next year,” Ashton says, eyeing Luke pensively. “Posting increasingly inappropriate content to see how far we can push everyone before they start telling us we’ve gone too far.”</p>
<p>Laughing, Luke shakes his head as he grabs a beer from the fridge. “Sounds like it’d involve more risk than reward, so no thank you.”</p>
<p>“Maybe.” Ashton jumps off the counter and pours himself a glass of whiskey. If he notices the way Luke’s eyes linger on the drink for a second longer than strictly necessary, he doesn’t acknowledge it in any way. Once they’ve both settled on the couch, Ashton purses his lips, then asks, “Where do you think they’d draw the line, though?”</p>
<p>“The fans? If we started posting inappropriate content?” Luke asks, and Ashton nods. “No idea, it’d differ from person to person, wouldn’t it? Some would draw the line on day one while others would cheer us on no matter how bad the content got.”</p>
<p>“It’d be fun to test, you have to admit.”</p>
<p>Luke makes a face as he baskets his legs in front of himself. “I feel like there’s enough inappropriate photos and videos of and information about us out there as it is,” he says before taking a sip of his beer.</p>
<p>“At least we <i>chose</i> to share most of it, though,” Ashton says. “Not that much have gotten out against our will.”</p>
<p>Smiling weakly, Luke thinks back to the day Arzaylea decided to throw miscellaneous accusations out there for the whole world to see. That definitely happened against Luke’s will, not to mention the shock factor it threw at his face. As far as he knows, she hasn’t taken to any social media to slander him, nor the band, since then, though. Not that he keeps tabs on what she does or doesn’t get up to online, but he’s fairly certain he’d know it if she did anything directly related to him.</p>
<p>It being New Year’s Eve, the common theme in everyone’s outfits and makeup seems to be glitter, Luke concludes a few hours later when the house is full and the volume loud. He doesn’t know when it happened, but when the clock is nearing eleven thirty, his shirt is nowhere to be seen, leaving him in his blazer and a golden bowtie around his neck.</p>
<p>“‘S okay, you look hot,” is Michael’s response when Luke voices his confusion about his shirt’s whereabouts.</p>
<p>“I look like a stripper,” Luke says, checking out his reflection in the window they’re standing next to.</p>
<p>Michael sniggers. “If only Ashton had a stripper pole in here. Oh, that’d be a sick prank to pull on him, to just, like, get one installed when he’s out one day.”</p>
<p>“How’s that a sick prank?” Luke snorts. “Knowing him, he’d just start using it for workouts.”</p>
<p>“Which would be quite lucky for you,” Michael says, wiggling his eyebrows. “Nice thing to come home to or wake up to, huh?”</p>
<p>Luke can feel his eyes widen in shock. “What’s that— I mean, what?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you know, you wake up one morning, come out here and there’s Ash in all his half-naked sweaty glory. Wouldn’t that be nice?” Michael says. It’s all Luke can do not to gape at him, and he’s about to stutter out a request for further clarification when Michael bursts out laughing. “Relax, dude, it was a joke.”</p>
<p>Luke bites the inside of his cheek as a blush creeps up on his face. “Right, yeah. A joke.” He clears his throat. “Funny.”</p>
<p>Michael’s lips pull up in a mildly confused smile. “You okay?” he asks. “Not that the joke was necessarily any good, but I don’t think it called for that, like, terrified face you’ve got going on either.”</p>
<p>“No, I— no, sorry, it wasn’t… nevermind. Where’s Cal? And Ash?”</p>
<p>They go on a quest to find Calum and Ashton, and eventually manage to locate them in the backyard, along with a dozen or so other people. Calum’s busy telling a story from the <i>Rock Out With Your Socks Out</i>-tour that Luke thinks maybe shouldn’t be told to a group of people that they don’t know <i>that</i> well, but he’s just drunk enough to not think too much about it, instead draping himself over Ashton from behind, resting his chin on Ashton’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“What time’s it?” Ashton asks, slurring just the slightest bit.</p>
<p>“Almost midnight,” Luke says, taking a sip of his drink. “Who’s gonna be your New Year’s kiss this year?”</p>
<p>Knocking his head gently against Luke’s, Ashton shrugs. “Not sure. Should see if I can find someone willing. Right now, probably, if I wanna find someone in time.” Despite his words, he doesn’t move, and Luke is glad.</p>
<p>“Got any resolutions for 2018, Luke?” Calum asks, and suddenly all eyes are on Luke. All twelve or so pairs. </p>
<p>He takes three large gulps of his drink in an attempt at strangling the surge of anxiety that is bubbling uncomfortably in his chest, then plasters on a smile. “None that I retain any control whatsoever over, really,” he says, managing to make eye contact with a couple of people before he has to focus on Michael to keep his breathing steady. “I want the album to do well, but that’s not really up to me, so…”</p>
<p>“You can influence the outcome, though, like, by not singing really badly,” Michael supplies with a shit-eating grin.</p>
<p>Luke blows a raspberry. “Thanks, that warms my heart. Same goes for you with the guitar, though.”</p>
<p>“And for you and <i>your</i> guitar,” Calum says. “And for Ash with the drums.”</p>
<p>“And keyboard, thank you very much,” Ashton says. “I’m a man of many talents and I don’t want any of them overlooked. You better not suck on bass, Cal, or on synths.”</p>
<p>“Suck on bass,” Calum sniggers. “Sounds like second base. Speaking of, has anyone seen Tessa?”</p>
<p>“Who’s Tessa?” Luke asks.</p>
<p>“She’s right over there,” Roy says, pointing to somewhere behind Luke, further into the garden.</p>
<p>Calum stretches his neck, looking to where Roy’s pointing, and his face lights up. “Alright, if you’ll excuse me, then,” he says before he strolls off, supposedly towards Tessa. Straightening up, Luke turns around just in time to see a short girl with waist-length, sleek, black hair jump up with her legs around Calum’s waist. On account of the noise level in the yard, Luke can’t hear Calum’s delighted laughter as he spins around with his hands placed firmly on the girl’s ass, but he can see it.</p>
<p>Ashton’s starting to move away from the group, in direction of the opposite, and far less crowded, side of the yard. He’s about halfway there before Luke gets moving and catches up with him.</p>
<p>“Where are you off to?” he asks once they’re walking side by side.</p>
<p>“Just need a moment alone,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Luke says, drawing an abrupt halt.</p>
<p>Turning around, Ashton shakes his head. “No, not— you’re alright, come on.”</p>
<p>It turns out that Ashton’s intended destination was the large tree by the fence. Its thick branches, springing leaves from their bases to the tips, cast shadows over a vast area. Ashton stops where the shadows are the densest, close to the trunk, facing the house. Stopping when the tips of his shoes are nearly touching Ashton’s, Luke smiles.</p>
<p>“Alone-time at your own party?” he asks.</p>
<p>Ashton smiles crookedly, leaning heavily against the tree. “I kinda regretted the decision to host this party the moment I texted out the invites, to be honest,” he says. When Luke widens his eyes quizzically, he smiles again. “I’m tired, you know? We’ve been working so much and the break we had was… It was nice to see my family and I love them to bits, but two weeks straight of having to follow someone else’s routines and being expected to spend every waking moment doing activities and visiting distant family members and being in a house that feels like home but isn’t really home… It drained me.”</p>
<p>Luke nods slowly, trying to wrap his head around Ashton’s words. What Ashton is saying isn’t something he can relate to personally, and his ability to empathize is somewhat reduced thanks to the alcohol in his system. His ability to be honest, however, is better than ever.</p>
<p>“I can’t say I understand, because… that’d be a lie, but I’m sorry you feel that way,” he says. “Breaks are supposed to… you know, give you more energy, not take away what little you have left. And I don’t know if being with your family is supposed to drain you either.”</p>
<p>A defensive furrow appears between Ashton’s eyebrows. “It’s not just my family,” he says. “It’s having to spend any extended period of time with anyone that I’m not <i>used</i> to having to spend day in and day out with. It takes me a while to readjust, you know? Not everyone adjusts as easily to new surroundings as you.”</p>
<p>“What?” Luke snorts. “Since when do I readjust easily to new surroundings? I’m the one who struggles the most with touring because I <i>can’t</i> seem to readjust.”</p>
<p>Ashton shakes his head. “That’s not the same, Lukey. We move from city to city so quickly when we’re on tour that we’re not expected to readjust to each place. We’re not <i>supposed</i> to. I meant with more permanent surroundings, situations and people. Ones you know beforehand. Like your family, your childhood home.” Pause. “Me and my house. You settled in here far more quickly than I would’ve settled in at your place if our roles were reversed.”</p>
<p>“Maybe, but—”</p>
<p>The rest of what Luke was about to say is drowned out by an ear-shattering, chanting downcount from ten, mixed with the first of what he knows to be the first of many sharp bangs from high above. Looking up at the sky, Luke smiles at the sight of golden sparkles exploding into an abstract, gorgeous image. It disappears just as the downcount reaches one and erupts into a cheerful, almost coordinated, “Happy new year!”</p>
<p>The total sum of noise is deafening — fireworks going off nearby and in the distance, people shouting and singing and wishing each other a happy new year over and over again, music blaring from inside the house. Ashton’s face is illuminated by the ever-changing lights and sparkles in the sky, his irises glittering as he looks Luke straight in the eyes. </p>
<p>“Guess you didn’t find someone to kiss at midnight, then,” Luke says.</p>
<p>Ashton gives a one-shouldered shrug. “That’s alright, I’m perfectly happy where I am.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Luke feels like he’s soaring with happiness. A small, probably meaningless remark is apparently all it takes; a simple reassurance from Ashton that he’s just as happy standing under a tree with Luke as he would be if he had a girl to kiss. Putting his drink down on the grass, Luke takes the tiniest step closer to Ashton and smiles. Ashton is standing on a slightly elevated piece of ground, leaving his face on the same level as Luke’s.</p>
<p>Luke grins. “So this is what my life would be like if you weren’t so short.”</p>
<p>“You have, like, two inches on me, you fucking giraffe,” Ashton laughs. “I’ve got you beat in other areas, anyway.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? Like what?”</p>
<p>“Body strength, coordination, flexibility, you name it.”</p>
<p>Luke throws his head back, his shoulders shaking with laughter. “Strength, coordination and flexibility. I could easily achieve all that, but you can’t do shit to get taller.”</p>
<p>“Maybe I’ll start wearing heels,” Ashton says. “Stilettos.”</p>
<p>“What, like onstage?” Luke asks, grinning. “Sounds practical.”</p>
<p>“I haven’t got the legs for it, anyway,” Ashton says. Diverting his gaze for a moment, he adds, “You, on the other hand…”</p>
<p>Luke smacks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “You just pointed out my lack of coordination and now you want me to wear stilettos? I’d die, and probably drag someone with me in the fall.”</p>
<p>“Maybe. I reckon stilettos would do your legs justice, though.”</p>
<p>“They’re long enough, they don’t need an extra few inches.” Thumbing over his cheek, he bites his lip. “But maybe… maybe makeup?”</p>
<p>“Makeup,” Ashton echoes. “Like… full-on fake lashes and lipstick?”</p>
<p>“No, just… I don’t know. Eyeshadow maybe? I think it could look good, potentially.”</p>
<p>“I’m all for the idea, but please get someone else to apply it for you.”</p>
<p>“Hey…” Luke says, poking Ashton’s chest. “I could learn. There are YouTube tutorials for makeup, aren’t there?”</p>
<p>“Please make sure I’m around the first time you try it out, yeah?”</p>
<p>“What, because you’re certain I’ll fail and you wanna take a picture of the disaster, or because you wanna be the first person to behold the art piece that is my face with makeup?”</p>
<p>All desire to tease seems to drain out of Ashton at once, and in its place comes a soft smile that makes his eyes crinkle up. A little apprehensively, he drags the back of his fingers along Luke’s jawline, letting it linger on the underside of his chin.</p>
<p>“I’m not certain you’ll fail, but if you do, I’d love to see it,” he says as he cups Luke’s face with his whole hand, his thumb rubbing slow circles against Luke’s cheek. “But… the latter, too. You’d look good with makeup on. Pretty boy.”</p>
<p>Luke remembers the last time Ashton called him ‘pretty boy’ in a completely sincere way. Two months ago, maybe an hour or so before Luke felt Ashton’s lips against his own for the first and only time. Though he’s drunk instead of high now, the same desperate desire to kiss Ashton again is presenting itself in the form of a skip in his heart rate and something he can’t describe as anything but pure <i>want</i>. Ashton’s hand is still on Luke’s face, and his eyes are radiating kindness and love as he’s looking at Luke’s face in a way that makes Luke wonder if Ashton ever wants to <i>stop</i> looking.</p>
<p>A big part of him hopes not.</p>
<p>He wants Ashton to never tire of his face, to always find it fascinating enough to look at.</p>
<p>They’re surrounded by people, but remain partly hidden in the shadows of the tree. No one is in their immediate vicinity either, and no one seems to be paying attention to them, and combined with the alcohol in his body, it gives Luke the courage to lean in and kiss Ashton square on the lips.</p>
<p>Ashton freezes the moment Luke’s lips land on his, and Luke is getting ready to pull back, apologise, run away and hide out in his room for the foreseeable future. He never gets the chance to, though, because the next thing he knows is that Ashton’s hand is moving to cup the back of his head, pulling Luke in closer as he starts kissing back with slow, careful movements of his lips. </p>
<p>Kissing Ashton feels like coming home after having been on the road for too long, as if something that has been slightly askew inside Luke for a long time finally falls back into place. It makes his heart lighter and his mind more at ease, and he lets himself get lost in it. An involuntary whimper makes its way out of him, and he steadies himself with a hand on Ashton’s waist as he tilts his head to the side for a better angle.</p>
<p>Just as their tongues meet tentatively and Luke slides his hand down to Ashton’s hip, a loud bang from a firework makes them spring apart. Luke’s heart is pounding in his chest and he stares at Ashton, who stares right back, looking just as dazed as Luke feels.</p>
<p>Biting down on his trembling, slightly swollen bottom lip, Luke manages to get out a raspy, “I— well… happy— happy new year, Ash.”</p>
<p>Ashton blinks at Luke, something unidentifiable clouding over his eyes; unidentifiable, yes, but it’s dark. Somber, almost. Shooting his gaze to the ground for a moment, Ashton gives a jerky nod before he replies, “Yeah, happy new year, Luke.” Without another word, he steps around Luke and disappears in direction of the house. Luke stands there, his drink in one hand, the ghost of Ashton’s waist in the other, as his body is doing what it can to make it difficult for him to breathe. He needs more to drink and he needs it before the chaos inside him can gain too solid a foothold and make him crumble under its weight.</p>
<p>The night turns into something of a blur after that. Luke drinks, he dances, he drinks more, he makes out with someone decidedly female, then he grabs a whole bottle of rum and ends up sharing it with Calum in the downstairs bathroom until Calum decides that it’s time for sleep and promptly lies down in the bathtub and starts snoring. Luke remains where he is, though, with nothing but a half-empty bottle of rum, a swimming head and a hurricane of emotions to keep him company.</p>
<p>He doesn’t know when or how, but he makes it to his bedroom at some point and falls asleep fully clothed on top of the covers.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, January 1st 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Luke wakes up sweaty and with a headache around ten a.m. the next day. He takes Petunia for a walk after he has showered, then shoots a quick video of himself that he posts to Instagram to announce to his followers that he is, in fact, hungover before he orders himself a generous serving of sushi for breakfast slash lunch. He eats in a half-sitting, half-lying position on the couch, and it’s quite sexy, he reckons. If nothing else, it goes well with the overall dishevelled state of the house. Ashton is nowhere to be seen or heard, and the explanation comes in the form of a text message from Calum a little after twelve thirty.<p>
  <i>’ash and i are at the studio, you coming?’</i>
</p>
<p>Frowning down at his phone, Luke types out a quick, <i>’no thanks, too hungover’</i>, before he allows his mind to start racing.</p>
<p>He knows for a fact that they didn’t have any studio time scheduled today, which leaves two plausible explanations: Ashton woke up with an absolutely brilliant idea that he <i>had</i> to do something about, he called up Calum and they decided to meet at the studio to work on this idea. The other explanation, while more self-centred, strikes Luke as just as, if not more, plausible — Ashton is avoiding him, and decided that leaving the house entirely was the best way to do that.</p>
<p>If the latter is the case, Luke understands perfectly, because he himself had every intention of avoiding Ashton for the day. What’s a little strange about it, however, is that Ashton isn’t the avoiding type, usually preferring to nip a problem in the buds before it grows too many heads for anyone to be able to get it under control. He confronted Luke directly after the round they had on the couch, and as far as Luke is concerned, that incident was far more mortifying than the kiss they shared yesterday. Maybe Ashton doesn’t see it that way, though, because they’ve kissed twice now, and both times, it was Luke who initiated it. Maybe Ashton has come to realise that Luke is a fucking weirdo who he needs to stay away from in order to sever a couple of the many strings that tie them together.</p>
<p>Then again, Luke reasons, maybe Ashton isn’t avoiding him at all. Maybe he just felt like going to the studio when he woke up and it had nothing to do with Luke at all.</p>
<p>In an attempt at keeping himself from going insane, he clings onto that mindset as he goes about the house and tidies one room after the other. He doesn’t really have the energy to clean, but doing so seems like a better idea than to play cadaver on the couch while his thoughts eat him alive. His mum calls when he’s about to finish cleaning the kitchen, and he sinks to the floor, back leaned against the fridge as he talks to her.</p>
<p>“<i>You sound tired,</i>” she comments at one point. “<i>Is everything okay?</i>”</p>
<p>“It’s New Year’s Day, mum,” he says with a chuckle. “Got a bit of a hangover and I didn’t get much sleep.”</p>
<p>“<i>Have you eaten today?</i>”</p>
<p>“Enough sushi to feed a small army.”</p>
<p>“<i>Make sure to drink enough water, okay? And eat another meal before you go to bed.</i>”</p>
<p>Luke smiles. “Yes, mum.”</p>
<p>The clock is nearing five by the time Luke declares his cleanup-job complete, by which time Petunia is getting antsy for another walk. Exhausted and a little hungry, he considers just letting her into the backyard to do her business, but she’s standing by the stairs, looking at him with big, pleading eyes that he doesn’t stand a chance against. He grabs her leash, fastens it to her collar and slips on a pair of shoes before he ventures out the front door, steering to the right once they’re on the street.</p>
<p>No pedestrians or cyclists pass them, and only a couple of cars roll along the street. The sun is setting, leaving a relatively mild temperature in its wake, and when Petunia stops on a patch of grass to pee, Luke closes his eyes and focuses on the silence. It’s relative silence, at the very least, but Luke sort of prefers it that way. He likes being able to hear city noise in the far distance, the constant buzzing from the highway, an occasional bark from dogs that he can’t see. It soothes him by reminding him that he’s not completely alone.</p>
<p>Ashton’s car is in the driveway when Luke returns, and he stands outside the front door, hesitating, until Petunia whines and scrapes her paw against it.</p>
<p>“If it wasn’t for you, I could just stand out here all day, you know,” he tells her as he opens the door and removes her leash, allowing her to run upstairs.</p>
<p>Luke hears the TV and the unmistakable sound of something being fried when he’s halfway up the stairs. He stops at the top for a split second to steel himself for whatever it is to come before he rounds the corner and lays eyes on Ashton, who’s standing by the stove, stirring something around in a frying pan.</p>
<p>Clearing his throat to announce his presence, Luke grabs himself a bottle of water from the fridge. “Hey,” he says.</p>
<p>Ashton turns his head for a moment to offer Luke a smile. It might just be Luke’s imagination, but the smile carries a hint of something strained. “Hi,” Ashton says. “Dinner’s ready in half an hour or so, if you’re hungry.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, thanks.” Screwing the cap off the bottle, Luke drinks half its contents in one go. “How did it go at the studio?”</p>
<p>“So-so,” Ashton says. </p>
<p>Luke waits for him to elaborate, but Ashton remains quiet, focused on the frying pan. “Okay, cool,” he says, nodding for no one to see before he walks over to sit on the couch.</p>
<p>They don’t talk all throughout dinner, just sit side by side while the TV drones on. Ashton gets up the moment he’s finished eating, leaving his plate on the coffee table, and heads to the basement without a single word. Maybe it’s up to Luke to fix things this time, because there’s no doubt in his mind that Ashton’s uncharacteristic behaviour has everything to do with the kiss, and he’s absolutely certain now that Ashton spent all day in the studio to get away from him. But he has no idea how to approach the subject. Does he apologise for initiating the kiss? Does he try and excuse his actions by leaning on the fact that he was drunk?</p>
<p>In the end, he does absolutely nothing to try and fix the problem, and by the time he turns in for the night, Ashton has yet to return from the basement.</p>
<p> </p>

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<p>As they venture further into January, they spend what feels like every waking moment at the studio. Even when he’s not at the studio, Luke’s brain outright refuses to stop working, and more times than he can count, he catches himself rehearsing songs in the shower and working on committing all the lyrics to memory when he’s trying to fall asleep at night. It’s exhausting to not get a single moment of actual peace and quiet, but he’s been through the same process twice before and knows it will let up once they start releasing singles.</p>
<p>Even though not a single component for it has been recorded yet, it’s decided a week into January that <i>Want You Back</i> will be the first single from the album. The label wants it out by January 25th, but they manage to push it back a month by insisting, as a collective group, that they won’t be able to do the song proper justice if they have to finalise the writing <i>and</i> record it in less than twenty days. So, they’re given until February 22nd.</p>
<p>“What do you reckon they’ll do if it’s not ready by then?” Calum asks once the Skype call has ended.</p>
<p>“Send hitmen after us, if Dan’s expression was anything to judge by,” Luke says.</p>
<p>No one disagrees.</p>
<p>Day by day, things between Luke and Ashton return little by little to normal. Ashton doesn’t seem to go out of his way to avoid Luke, and his communication slowly, but surely grows from monosyllables to full sentences. The development leaves Luke grateful, but also unsettled and confused, because what he’s left with is essentially normalcy with a bitter aftertaste donated to him by the long list of unanswered questions that has taken up residence in the back of his head. Questions about the kiss itself, about Ashton’s thoughts on and feelings about it, about whether or not Ashton sees Luke differently now than he did half a year ago.</p>
<p>But he recognises that by the time the questions become downright bothersome, his chance to pose them has passed. The desire to pose them is present whenever he and Ashton are alone together, though, and he finds himself getting lost in the sight of Ashton at least once a day, unable and unwilling to snap out of it until he’s caught staring. When that happens, an odd expression will flicker across Ashton’s face, only to be gone without a trace before Luke can take a second look, and then Ashton will smile and his focus will return to whatever he was doing.</p>
<p>Aside from those instances, nothing they say or do indicates that there was ever a problem in the first place. </p>
<p>It’s like the kiss never happened.</p>
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  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Thursday, January 11th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke has no idea what part of his brain was at work when he decided to go for a run with Ashton. Not the self-loving part, that’s for sure. They’re half a minute away from home and Ashton is a fair few paces ahead of Luke, his steps springing while Luke’s are dragging. Though the temperature is relatively low, the sun is unrelenting above them, and Luke reckons he’s about ten minutes away from dissolving completely and becoming nothing but a useless puddle on the ground.<p>When they finally reach the house, Luke leans heavily against the wall while Ashton unlocks the door, and he has to physically fight to keep his legs working as he stumbles up the stairs and promptly collapses on the couch, face down.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Ashton asks. By the sounds of it, he’s standing somewhere around the top of the staircase.</p>
<p>“No, and I hate you more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my entire life,” Luke moans.</p>
<p>“You were the one who asked me if it was okay if you tagged along,” Ashton sniggers. “I didn’t force you anywhere, so deal with the consequences. I’m grabbing a shower, gimme ten minutes and I’ll be out.”</p>
<p>Luke merely grunts in response. His muscles are shaking from top to bottom, and despite having eaten a generous serving of eggs and toast before they left the house, he’s willing to bet that his blood sugar is low. He wants a banana or a chocolate bar or a can of freezing cold Coke, all of which he knows can be found in the fridge, but he absolutely can’t find it in himself to move. Is he in the worst shape of his life or is Ashton’s bar too high for him to reach? In all their months of living together, today was the first time Luke decided to go for a run with Ashton and he’s regretting it now. Not just because he’s seconds away from throwing up and passing out from exhaustion, but because being made aware that he’s <i>this</i> far from Ashton’s level of physical fitness feels like a slap to the face. </p>
<p>Not a particularly painful slap, admittedly; just a moderately annoying one.</p>
<p>Luke stays on the couch until he regains a hint of control over his limbs, and though he doesn’t keep track of the time, he knows it takes at least fifteen minutes. Probably closer to thirty. Standing up on shaky legs, he grabs a Coke from the fridge and downs the whole thing in one go, and he’s gasping for breath when he slams the empty can down on the kitchen counter. The sudden intake of fluids, combined with the sugar in said fluids, creates an incessant pressure on his bladder within a couple of minutes, though, and he walks on stiff legs towards the bathroom. </p>
<p>As he approaches, he hears the shower running, and he stops dead in his tracks with his hand on the door handle, weighing his choices. There seems to be three: Hold it for however long it will take Ashton to finish up, go to the downstairs bathroom, or barge into the bathroom despite knowing that the sight of a wet, stark naked Ashton is what will be greeting him. He has no interest in holding it, though, and walking down a flight of stairs isn’t happening anytime soon. Closing his eyes, mentally steeling himself, he therefore pushes the handle down and opens the door.</p>
<p>It takes him approximately four seconds to wish that he hadn’t.</p>
<p>A wet, naked Ashton would have been one thing. Luke could probably have dealt with that. The sight that meets him upon opening the door isn’t a wet, naked Ashton, though. It’s a wet, naked Ashton in profile, who has one hand planted against the tiled wall, head dipped low, while his other hand is stroking his dick. </p>
<p>For a moment, Luke doesn’t feel anything at all except complete and utter emptiness, and Ashton doesn’t seem to notice that he’s been interrupted.</p>
<p>It’s not the first time Luke has caught one of his bandmates in a compromising situation. It happened a lot during their stay in London, once they got over the initial awkwardness of living in such close quarters and silently, yet collectively, decided to throw shame out the window. Then it happened occasionally when they shared a house in LA, when they were without parental supervision and could bring whoever they wanted back home without anyone batting an eyelid. And Luke can’t count the number of times he’s been forced to listen to the other three getting themselves off while on the tour bus. They’ve probably all heard him, too.</p>
<p>This is different in so many ways, though. Luke can see Ashton clearly, for one — he can see the way Ashton’s abdominal muscles are clenching as his chest rises and falls at an increasing speed, he can just barely make out the way his eyebrows are drawn together, and he can see his erection, thick and hard, the tip deep red.</p>
<p>Luke’s frozen to the spot, but his body’s reacting to the visual in front of him. Heat is spreading from his diaphragm to every nook and cranny of his body, and he can feel his own dick harden where it’s trapped under two layers of clothing. It reaches full hardness as he stares at Ashton, and through the hazy arousal clouding his mind, he finds himself desperately wanting to strip naked and join Ashton in the shower to replace Ashton’s hand with his own. Maybe with his mouth.</p>
<p>It’s just as those thoughts race through Luke’s mind that Ashton turns his head to the side, his eyes immediately connecting with Luke’s. As if he’s staring into bright sunlight, Luke drops his gaze to the floor and screws his eyes shut, forcing his lungs to take in a certain amount of oxygen.</p>
<p>“Fuck, sorry,” he rasps as he starts backing out of the bathroom on unsteady feet. He hears Ashton call after him, though he doesn’t catch the words, as he darts into his bedroom and slams the door shut. </p>
<p>His chest is heaving as he leans backwards against the door, and he tries to shift his thoughts to a different mindset, but the images of Ashton getting himself off are seared into his brain. They won’t let go, and Luke shudders as he pushes the heel of his palm against the bulge in his shorts. He’s weak, just like he was on the couch several months ago while high on Molly, and he staggers over to his bed while pulling down his underwear and shorts, getting a hand around himself before his back has even hit the mattress.</p>
<p>His body is boiling, every nerve ending in his body on fire as he works his fist over himself, pulling himself towards a quick end. Trying to last or to tease himself isn’t on his mind. All he can think of is Ashton, the visuals he was just given combined with the sounds from several months ago, and he can’t help but focus on that and nothing else as he bites his free hand, his hips jerking at their own accord with each stroke of his fist. Bending his legs, spreading them as widely as is comfortable, he pulls out the memories from the late October night on the couch, remembering how Ashton’s warm, turned on body felt against his own. A staccato moan shoots through his parted lips as the memories heat him up from the inside out, and he starts stroking himself faster.</p>
<p>“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he breathes as the pressure in his lower abdomen increases. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t help it when he feels himself coming apart, thinking of Ashton and nothing else. Dragging his thumb over his slit, he screws his eyes tightly shut as he imagines his own hand replaced by Ashton’s bigger, rougher one, his hips being pinned to the mattress by Ashton’s strong grip while his neck is being covered with little bite marks. The fantasies serve as the final push for Luke, and he comes with a moan that he manages to muffle into the pillow, spilling messily over his hand, a couple of drops landing on his stomach.</p>
<p>He lies completely still afterwards, eyes closed, chest rising and falling at an uneven rate. Maybe if he doesn’t move for a little while, he’ll be able to erase the last ten minutes from his memory, or at least acquire the ability to ignore the fact that he just got off to thoughts and fantasies about Ashton. </p>
<p>Of course the memories don’t go anywhere, though, and neither does the panic or the guilt that’s simmering in the pit of his belly. As he dejectedly wipes his hand against his t-shirt and pulls his underwear and shorts back up, he takes a deep breath that makes his lungs hurt the slightest bit.</p>
<p>Luke needs to move back home and he needs to do it soon, before he inevitably says or does something he’ll regret for the rest of his life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Part 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hiii, guys! First of all, I'm lagging behind on responding to your comments and I'm so sorry. I've read them all (and smiled and cried over them), but the last week has been hectic as hell, I've barely been online <s>or slept or eaten</s> and my schedule will continue to be like that for another week, BUT I have all of next weekend off, so I'm planning on responding to your comments then (unless I get a burst of energy at some point before that; one can hope)!</p><p>Alright, so... this part covers a long, long period of time, at least compared to earlier chapters. All the way from late January to mid-April, actually, and yet the chapter isn’t any longer than the overall average for this fic. That wasn’t a conscious decision on my part, necessarily, but it felt like the right way to deal with what went down in that timespan, so hopefully it’s not too off-putting? As always, I hope you enjoy the chapter, thank you so much for reading and commenting and kudosing and sending me asks and God knows what else, I love you all♥ Come talk on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Tumblr</a> if you wanna!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, January 28th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>It takes Luke more than two weeks after having made the choice to move back home to actually act on said choice, and there are two main underlying reasons for his hesitance. He doesn’t actually <i>want</i> to move back home, for one; he likes living with Ashton, likes the contentment and safety it provides him with, and the thought of losing that terrifies him. What terrifies him even more, however, is the flutter in his heart and the warmth that spreads throughout his entire body every time he and Ashton spend time together, just the two of them.<p>The second reason is more of a deliberate stall designed to keep Ashton from finding out that the shower-incident affected Luke far more than it should have.</p><p>They don’t acknowledge the fact that Luke walked in on Ashton getting off in the shower, and it’s odd. Treating something like that like it’s embarrassing is so off brand for them. It’s off brand for the whole band, as a matter of fact, and while Luke knows <i>his</i> reasons for pretending like it never happened, he can’t help but wonder what Ashton’s are. The pessimistic part of him wonders if Ashton has caught onto what’s happening in Luke’s mind, but he knows that’s unrealistic. Observant as Ashton might be, he’s not a mind reader and Luke is fairly certain that he has yet to display any external proof of his internal turmoil.</p><p>He also has a feeling that if that was the case, Ashton would confront him about it sooner rather than later, if nothing else then to get it out of the way. The idea alone is enough to make Luke curl in on himself with shame where he’s crouched over his suitcase, trying to fit all his clothes into it.</p><p>What he’s doing is shitty, and he knows it. He got up at the crack of dawn, a full hour before Ashton usually gets up, just to be able to pack up his things and put them in his car in peace and quiet. Granted, he has no intention of actually leaving without saying goodbye. He’s going to say goodbye, he’s going to thank Ashton for the last eight months, but he doesn’t want to hold a conversation <i>while</i> packing. Ashton is going to ask questions, he’s going to ask why Luke has decided to move back home without warning, and Luke isn’t prepared to give any answers, because what’s he supposed to say? That all the kindness and support and affection that Ashton has given him has led Luke to develop romantic and sexual feelings for him?</p><p>A confrontation about that is exactly what Luke is trying to avoid ever having to deal with by moving out. If he’s just able to create some distance between himself and Ashton for a while, he has high hopes that things will go back to normal. One day twenty years from now, he’ll hopefully be able to tell Ashton about the short period of time where he had feelings for him, and they can laugh about the stupidity of it together.</p><p>Maybe he’ll mention it when he holds a toast at Ashton’s wedding to a beautiful girl who can give him everything that he wants and needs from a partner, everything he doesn’t want nor need from Luke. The thought alone makes Luke yank so hard at the zipper of the suitcase that it breaks. In a fit of dramatic pessimism, he tells himself that the zipper is a metaphor for his heart.</p><p>The clock is nearing seven by the time he’s walked Petunia and has loaded the last bag into the boot of his car and slammed the door shut. He knows Ashton’s alarm will go off at seven sharp, and so he waits. Standing by his car as the sun rises, he closes his eyes as the temperature goes from nightly coolness to humid heat far too quickly. There’s no palpable difference in the weather between here and his own house, but Luke still savours what will be the last morning he’ll spend in this particular area of LA for a long time.</p><p>He waits until it’s almost seven thirty before he ventures back inside. The scent of coffee and the sound of the morning news on the TV slap him right in the face as he pads up the stairs. Tomorrow morning, he’ll wake up in an empty house, and no one is going to be there to make him coffee or wish him good morning and ask how he slept. He won’t have a bright smile to light up his mood when he’s tired and grumpy, just empty walls and loneliness.</p><p>Ashton is sitting on the couch in his pyjamas, coffee mug in hand when Luke reaches the lounge. His eyes are plastered to the TV and he doesn’t look up when Luke sits down next to him. “You’re leaving,” he says.</p><p>Pressing his lips together, Luke folds his hands in his lap and nods. “Yeah. I think… I mean, it’s about time. It’s been almost eight months. I’m not— I can’t stay here forever.”</p><p>“You can stay here as long as you want, I’ve told you that more than once,” Ashton says, punctuating the sentence by taking a sip of his coffee.</p><p>Luke swallows, nibbling at the inside of his bottom lip. “I know, but I wanna… I should go back home. Try and survive on my own, you know?”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Ashton sighs before he turns his head to look at Luke. “Is that actually why you’re doing it or is there something else?” he asks. Not giving Luke the chance to even contemplate what to reply, he continues. “Is this about you walking in on me in the shower? I know things have been a little off since then, it wasn’t exactly ideal or anything, but it wasn’t so bad you should feel the need to—”</p><p>“No, Ash, it’s not— that’s not… it,” Luke says, inhaling deeply. He shoots his gaze down, because serving a blatant lie while looking straight into the recipient’s eyes isn’t something Luke is equipped to deal with. Not when the recipient is the person in his life who means more to him than anything or anyone else ever has.</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yeah, I just need to… get back to… things,” Luke mumbles. “To some semblance of normalcy. This can’t go on forever, so—”</p><p>“I get it,” Ashton cuts in rather unexpectedly. He has turned his eyes back to the TV, and his jawline is tense. “Go ahead, if that’s what you feel is right.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m… gonna,” Luke says hesitantly. “Are you mad?”</p><p>“Not mad, just disappointed,” Ashton says. “You could have mentioned it before, don’t you think? Instead of just springing it on me when your bags are packed and you’re basically ready to go.”</p><p>The disappointment Ashton mentioned is evident in every word he utters, and it slices at Luke’s skin, baring his internal organs one by one, exposing them to air that’s too cold to feel comfortable. “Sorry,” he says softly, wringing his hands. “I just didn’t… I don’t know. I didn’t want a confrontation, I guess.”</p><p>“There wouldn’t have been one, if you’d just mentioned it last night or the night before. It’s fine that you’re moving out, that’s your decision to make, but I don’t like being blindsided by it.”</p><p>Luke sighs. “I get that. Sorry. But… well, I’m moving back home. Living here with you has been… everything, Ash. I don’t know where I’d be right now if you hadn’t— you know. You being there for me at all hours of the day has meant… yeah, everything.” He wants to say more, wants to tell Ashton how much every little step he has taken towards Luke, every time he has met Luke halfway, every advice he has given and every part of himself he has shared, has been pivotal in every possible way. But the words won’t come, they curl in on themselves in the safety of a warm, hidden corner of his heart, and in the end, neither of them say another word.</p><p>Ashton follows Luke down to the entrance hall, where Petunia is waiting, and waits until Luke has put his shoes on and straightened up before he offers a crooked smile and holds his arms open invitingly. Luke’s legs feel like they give in as he stumbles into the embrace, and he buries his face in Ashton’s neck as he returns the hug with all he’s worth. He feels the way Ashton’s chest is rising and falling almost too deliberately against his own, like he’s fighting a battle with himself the same way Luke is.</p><p>“I’m gonna miss you,” Ashton murmurs, lips brushing against the shell of Luke’s ear.</p><p>Tightening his jaw, Luke nods jerkily. “Yeah,” he whispers. “I’m gonna miss you, too.”</p><p>It seems like a logical point for them to let go and for Luke to be on his way, but neither of them move an inch. Ashton slips one hand from Luke’s back to the back of his head, cradling it like it’s something precious and delicate that needs to be protected. They stay like that, shielding each other from the world and all it forces them to deal with, until Petunia whines pitifully and starts scraping against the door.</p><p>Luke doesn’t look Ashton in the eyes as he steps back, out of the embrace. “Okay, well, I’ll… see you soon,” he says as he turns around and opens the door.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ashton says, voice subdued. “Recording session for <i>Want You Back</i> on Thursday, right?”</p><p>Luke nods, one foot out the door. “See you then.” He hesitates for a beat, desperately trying to figure out a way to express everything he’s thinking and feeling, but he comes up short. His mind is an incoherent mess, and when the silence has stretched for at least fifteen seconds, he clears his throat, says, “Bye,” before following in Petunia’s steps out the door, slamming it shut behind himself as he goes.</p><p>He drives home in silence, not bothering to turn on the radio. Irresponsible as it is, his attention is only partly on the road. The other half is on Ashton, and it remains there for the rest of the day as he goes about his house and gets everything back in place, where it belongs. His clothes go in the closet, his shoes in the entrance hall, his guitars on their stands in the lounge, his toiletries in the bathroom, and Luke… Luke doesn’t fit anywhere in the house. He doesn’t <i>belong</i> anywhere in the house. His couch feels all wrong, his kitchen is foreign to him, his bed has the wrong scent, and even the floor doesn’t give in the right way under his feet.</p><p>It’s not right, none of it is, but it will be. It has to be.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>The first two weeks of February are, to a large degree, spent at the studio, recording <i>Want You Back</i>, <i>Valentine</i> and <i>Monster Among Men</i>, and memorizing and rehearsing other songs in between takes. The names of potential directors for the music video for <i>Lie To Me</i> are being thrown around when they go in for a meeting about the album right before Valentine’s Day. They agree with the suits on Brendan Vaughan after having been shown some of his earlier work, and are called in for a meeting with him a couple of days later where potential concepts are being presented.</p><p>Towards the end of the meeting, Calum grins and says, “Sounds good, but let’s make sure Michael’s safe and sound in some bubble wrap or has been escorted off the premises before the pyro-shit.”</p><p>As the days get longer and more tiresome the further into February they get, <i>Want You Back</i> is being prepared for release, and the music video for it is being shot over the course of two long days, set to be released a month after the song. Simultaneously, it feels like they’re running back and forth to the studio like headless chickens to continue recording the last of the songs they finished writing back in November — namely <i>Meet You There</i>, <i>Moving Along</i> and <i>Best Friend</i> —, while tour rehearsals for 5SOSIII eat up all traces of leftover energy any of them have.</p><p>Final touches are being put on the logistics of the tour as well, and it involves too many meetings to make too many decisions about too many components, and as much as Luke is looking forward to the tour itself and as much as he wants it to be a success, he’s more than happy to let Ashton and Michael do most of the talking in said meetings. He mainly opens his mouth to weigh in on the setlist, which they aren’t able to agree on until three days before they announce the tour via Twitter and on the same day that they premiere <i>Want You Back</i> on the radio. </p><p>It’s also the same day that Luke asks Sierra if there’s any chance she’d be willing to live in his house and take care of Petunia for him while he’s on tour, for a daily fee. He was going to ask Roy again, but he’s going to be out of town for all of April, according to Calum, and Luke comes to a startling realisation that he really doesn’t have a lot of friends in LA. Not many that he’d trust Petunia with, at least, and though he doesn’t know Sierra <i>that</i> well, he’s assured by Crystal through Michael that she’s more than capable of taking care of a dog. And a house.</p><p>Releasing singles has always brought with it an abundance of nerves for all four of them, and this time is no exception. It’s been one and a half years since they last released a single and more than two years since they released a single from their own album, so just the feeling of being out of touch with the process is frightening enough. The fact that <i>Want You Back</i> is decidedly different than anything else they’ve ever released certainly doesn’t help, because no matter how happy <i>they</i> are with it, they have no idea how the fans and the general public are going to react.</p><p>For all they know, they’re going to lose half the fans they have left after being away from the scene for too long while simultaneously being panned by critics. But, as Michael points out, if that turns out to be the case, they can make a drinking game out of it — one shot for each poor review or negatively loaded reaction video on YouTube. Silver lining, Michael calls it, and no can be bothered to fight him on it.</p><p>For Luke, there’s a far more personal dimension to the nerves as well, though, because while the song has nothing whatsoever to do with the relationship between himself and Ashton, that’s exactly what he thinks about every time he hears it. Not because it’s necessarily directly applicable, but because what stands out the clearest to him about the day they wrote it is how he felt like he was drowning under Ashton’s attention in the studio. It’s for that reason that he thinks that until the end of his days, he’ll associate writing <i>Want You Back</i> with diving head first into the very unwelcome realisation that he has feelings for Ashton.</p><p>No one knows that, though, and Luke has no intention whatsoever of telling anyone.</p><p>When Luke records his last vocals for the album — for <i>Empty Wallets</i> — on February 26th, he goes straight home afterwards and crashes into bed despite it barely being eight p.m. He doesn’t wake up until eleven a.m. the next day, and the knowledge that he’s <i>done</i> unless he needs to re-record something makes him smile giddily on and off throughout the entire day. They have yet to make a final decision about what songs will be on the album and not, but they have a solid idea, and 5 Seconds of Summer will definitely release a third album, and that’s enough to keep Luke’s muscles loose and his head light for the time being.</p>
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  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Saturday, March 3rd 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Tickets for the tour go on sale at 3 a.m. local time on March 3rd, when they’re in London after having attended the Global Awards. Albeit the slightest bit hungover and despite the late hour, Luke is restless in his hotel room as he watches the clock tick closer and closer to three, minute by minute, second by second. What are they supposed to do if no one wants to come see them live anymore? The few times he’s dared to check out his Twitter feed since <i>Want You Back</i> dropped, he hasn’t seen anything but positive reactions, but he knows oh too well that that might not mean much for the tour.<p>He starts pacing, phone in hand, when the clock strikes a quarter to three. The room is big enough that it takes him a fair number of steps to get from the large window on one end to the door leading to the hallway outside on the other, and he’s made his fourth round before he decides that he’s had it. Making sure his key card is still in the pocket of his trackies, he flings the door open and stalks across the hall, where he knocks on the door marked with ‘810’.</p><p>Freshly showered and clad in pyjama pants and a hoodie, Ashton doesn’t look the least bit surprised when he opens the door and steps aside to let Luke in. “Nervous?” he asks, following Luke through the room and over to bed.</p><p>“I think about to shit myself, so… yeah,” Luke says as he flings himself down on the bed, his head on one of the large, fluffy pillows, hands folded over his diaphragm.</p><p>Lying down next to Luke, Ashton snorts. “He says before getting on <i>my</i> bed. Try and keep your bowels in check, yeah?”</p><p>“Sure,” Luke says, turning his head to look at Ashton’s profile. “Aren’t you nervous? What if not a single person buys a ticket? That’d be… bad. And sad. And humiliating.”</p><p>“And way too late to do anything about at this point,” Ashton says. The mattress dips a little as he turns over to lie on his side, facing Luke. “How are things?”</p><p>“In terms of…?”</p><p>“We haven’t had a proper talk since you moved back home,” Ashton says. The smile he offers Luke carries a hint of sadness. “Since a while before that, actually.”</p><p>Luke blinks and looks down to where Ashton’s hand is splayed out on the mattress between them. They’ve talked plenty of times over the last couple of months, but Ashton wasn’t challenging that fact. He was pointing out that they haven’t had a <i>proper</i> talk in far too long. Not since New Year’s Eve, Luke thinks. That’s the last solid talk they had that he can recall at the top of his head. Every conversation they’ve had since then has either been work-related or superficial.</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke says as he rolls over on his side and lets his eyes connect with Ashton’s. They’re lying so close to one another, close enough that Luke would only have to shift a few inches forward to feel Ashton’s lips against his own for the third time in his life. For a split, insanity-induced second, Luke wonders what would happen if he <i>did</i> close the distance between them and initiated a kiss.</p><p>Maintaining eye contact with Luke, Ashton breathes in deeply through his nose, as if steeling himself for something. Said something becomes apparent a moment later. “I know things have been a little off between us for a while,” he says. He looks determined to get whatever is on his mind off his chest, brows creasing slightly. “Since… since New Year's Eve. The kiss.”</p><p>Luke’s cheeks burn with embarrassment at the memory; not because the kiss itself was bad, but because it’s the first time either of them have mentioned it out loud, immediately making it more real. More potentially destructive than it already is.</p><p>“I’m sorry about that,” Ashton says before Luke has the chance to respond. He’s smiling, though his jaw is wound tightly in a way Luke has only ever seen it during interviews when Ashton is fighting to keep something firmly locked inside himself. Luke hates to see that facial expression here, when it’s just the two of them. It doesn’t belong here. It especially doesn’t belong here when they’re discussing what is arguably the best kiss Luke has ever had, one he would give his left arm to be allowed to repeat right now.</p><p>“No, it’s… it’s fine,” Luke says. “I was the one who started it and… yeah. You don’t have anything to apologise for.”</p><p>“Maybe, but—”</p><p>“Ash, please,” Luke interrupts, his voice growing soft. He doesn’t want to hear what Ashton was planning on saying. Having his feelings stomped on seems like a bad way to kick off the next chapter in the band’s journey. “I don’t wanna… don’t apologise, please. I didn’t— <i>I</i> kissed <i>you</i>, not the other way around, and I…” Inhaling sharply, he closes his eyes against the steady drum of his heart against his ribs before mumbling, “I wanted to kiss you. I wouldn’t have… if I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have done it. I wasn’t <i>that</i> drunk. I’m sorry I did it, I didn’t mean to put you in—”</p><p>“I kissed you back, Luke, and I wasn’t that drunk either. Drunk enough, but not so drunk I wasn’t able to make an informed decision.”</p><p>Luke’s eyes widen and time seems to draw to a complete halt. It hasn’t occurred to him until just then, but Ashton <i>did</i> kiss him back, quite enthusiastically as well, if Luke’s memory serves him right. It was in no way a one-sided kiss. The thought is exhilarating, but it’s equally terrifying, and Luke digs his nails into the palms of his hands as he attempts to collect his thoughts.</p><p>“You… earlier today,” he starts after a stretch of silence. “You said— in the interview. You said that you’re not a cuddly person.”</p><p>Taken aback by the change of topic, Ashton raises his eyebrows before he says, slowly, “I’m not, I never have been. You know that as well as anyone.”</p><p>“Yeah, but… you haven’t— I mean, we… we cuddled a lot. On the couch and the beach and… you know. So, unless some higher power made you—”</p><p>“I’m cuddly with the people I love,” Ashton interrupts.</p><p>Luke draws his upper lip in between his teeth before he responds, quietly, “You love a lot of people. Your family, Cal and Michael, Matt…”</p><p>“Yeah, but I don’t love them the same way that I love you.”</p><p>Luke’s breath hitches in his throat. A different sort of love. Neither weaker or stronger, perhaps, but different. Ashton’s eyes are wider and brighter than usual, lighting Luke’s skin on fire, one section at the time until smoke is rising and his vision is obscured, and he doesn’t even notice that one of them has moved closer to the other until the tips of their noses are almost touching.</p><p>“Do you regret New Year’s Eve?” Ashton mumbles. They’re so close that his breath heats up Luke’s lips, making them tingle with an wide array of emotions that he’s unable to pick apart and analyse.</p><p>“I’m—”</p><p>“Ash, open up!”</p><p>Luke jerks back as if he’s been shocked, so quickly that he’s standing on his feet before he even knows what’s happening. Forcing back any and all thoughts and emotions that have been punching through him over the last five minutes, he walks over to the door and opens it, only to be met by the sight of a manically grinning Michael and a red-faced, seemingly happy Calum.</p><p>“Hi, Luke,” Michael says as he stalks into the room, Calum following right behind.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Ashton asks. To his credit, he looks and sounds completely unbothered by everything that did or didn’t happen twenty seconds prior. Luke hopes he’s displaying the same level of casualness.</p><p>“It sold out,” Calum says with a clap of his hands. “The tour. Sold out in three minutes.”</p><p>“Three <i>fucking</i> minutes,” Michael says, grinning at the other three in turn. “We’re golden, boys. Fucking <i>golden!</i>”</p><p>It’s easy to forget about any and all personal problems, then. The relief and happiness that surges through Luke is so strong, so overpowering, that he feels dizzy with it and has to sit down on the bed. Leaning forward, he perches his elbows on his thighs and buries his face in his hands as he draws one, two, three steadying breaths. Michael, Calum and Ashton are chatting excitedly, and their voices serve as ropes that ground Luke’s joy, not allowing it to float up into thin air and leave his mind a blank canvas ready to be marred by any negative thought that may cross his path.</p><p>When he looks up, Michael and Calum have sat down on the couch vis-à-vis the bed, while Ashton is occupying the armchair next to the couch. Michael and Calum are in the middle of a discussion about stage outfits, of all things, but Ashton’s gaze is trained on Luke. He doesn’t say anything when their eyes meet, but he smiles and quirks his eyebrows in a manner that Luke interprets as, <i>’You okay?’</i></p><p>Returning the smile, Luke nods. He considers grabbing his phone to shoot Ashton a text and ask if <i>they’re</i> okay, but he opts against it after a few seconds of contemplation. They had what may or may not have been a moment, but the moment has passed and Luke doesn’t want to be the one to haul it back. Not right now, anyway.</p><p>“What if we all wore capes onstage?”</p><p>Luke looks at Michael. “What?”</p><p>“Capes,” Michael says. “Not like superhero-capes, but like dramatic ones. <i>Lord of the Rings</i>-style.”</p><p>Ashton snorts. “Maybe when we rebrand and become a black metal band.”</p><p>“I think we’ll have to change the lineup if we’re gonna be a black metal band,” Calum says, scratching his cheek pensively. “You’d have to become the lead singer, Ash.”</p><p>Luke scoffs. “What, you don’t have faith in my growling abilities?”</p><p>“Not really, no,” Calum says. “Ash is gonna be the lead singer, Michael you’ll take over the bass, I’ll get on the drums and Luke, you can continue on the guitar.”</p><p>“Oh, so I’m the only one you don’t trust to be able to acquire a new skill,” Luke says, huffing as he folds his arms over his chest. “Fuck you very much.”</p><p>“You’re a big baby,” Calum declares. “Want a cuddle? Or some candy?”</p><p>“Do you have candy? None of the stuff in the minibar was to my taste.”</p><p>“I bought a fuckton of those little chocolates at the tax free shop. Oh, and some Skittles.”</p><p>Luke perks up a little at that. “Snickers?”</p><p>“Damn straight.”</p><p>“Give me four Snickers and I’ll forget how little faith you have in my musical abilities.”</p><p>Calum rolls his eyes, but he gets up and leaves the room with a mumbling, “Big baby.”</p><p>“You really have that down to an artform, Luke,” Michael says, grinning. “The whole, like, thing you do where you sulk until you get something nice out of it.”</p><p>“I’ve been training for it my whole life,” Luke says with a nod. “Comes with the territory.”</p><p>“Absolutely fucking impossible,” Ashton says, but it comes out fond and accompanied by a soft smile that make Luke blush. He’s grateful when Calum returns a moment later and tosses a handful of Snickers-bars in his lap, giving him something else to focus on.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Saturday, March 10th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Luke has been staring at his own reflection for the better part of the last ten minutes. He’s in the bathroom adjacent to their dressing room backstage, and they’re due onstage in twenty minutes. Music is being blasted on the other side of the door, and Luke can hear Calum singing his heart out while Ashton is laughing. The longer Luke looks at himself in the mirror, the more unsure he becomes about the decision he made two days prior to finally utilise the sparkly eyeshadow he purchased weeks and weeks ago.<p>He doesn’t think he looks bad; as a matter of fact, he likes how he looks. It’s pretty, he thinks, the sparkles combined with a good hair day and half his chest on display. He doesn’t think he’s applied the eyeshadow awfully either, but he might be wrong. What if Michael and Calum hate it? What if Ashton, despite having been supportive when Luke first mentioned wanting to try wearing makeup, has since changed his mind? What if the audience laughs at him? What if the fans see photos from the performance online later and slam him on Twitter?</p><p>Applying the makeup took a long time, though, and he didn’t get it right until the fourth try, and he doesn’t want to see all that time and work go to waste. Nibbling at a loose piece of skin on his bottom lip, he thinks to himself that he really does look good. Gathering up the brushes and the makeup from the edge of the sink and putting it back into the small pouch he’s kept them in since he got them, he gives his reflection an encouraging nod before he unlocks the door and steps out to the dressing room.</p><p>Neither Calum nor Ashton spare him a single glance as he crosses the room and sits on the couch, too caught up in the music and playing disturbingly inaccurate air guitar. Michael, however, has his gaze trained on Luke and the moment they lock eyes, he smiles and says, “You look good,” as if instinctively knowing about the battle that’s taking place inside Luke’s head.</p><p>“Yeah?” Luke asks, dragging his fingers through his hair. “It’s not too… I don’t know, <i>much?</i>”</p><p>“Nah, it’s nice and subtle, just enough to make you shine extra bright,” Michael says easily.</p><p>Cocking his head to the side, Luke flings his legs up to rest in Michael’s lap. “Have you been drinking?”</p><p>Michael rolls his eyes. “I had one beer, you dick. Take the fucking compliment and move on, will you?”</p><p>Before Luke can respond, they’re interrupted by Calum slumping down between them. He grins at Michael, then at Luke, then he stills and his eyebrows shoot up. “You’re sparkling,” he says after a beat. “Your eyelids. They’re… sparkly.”</p><p>Luke shrugs and tries to ignore the increase in his heart rate. “Yeah. Thought I’d just… try it, you know?”</p><p>Calum regards him for a moment, eyes darting all around Luke’s face. “Cool,” he says. “Looks nice. Maybe try some of that stuff people use to highlight their cheekbones or whatever next time.”</p><p>“I… maybe, yeah,” Luke says, slightly taken aback. “So, you— I mean, you like it?”</p><p>“Sure, I like looking at pretty things as much as the next person,” Calum says, then pauses for a moment and adds, “Even if the pretty thing in question is you.”</p><p>Luke is spared from having to answer when there’s a knock on the door and it’s being pushed open. A guy their age pokes his head in, smiling apologetically. “You’re due onstage in five,” he says.</p><p>“Thanks,” Luke says, returning the smile. He waits for the guy to leave before he gets up and grabs his jacket from the chair he left it on earlier, slipping it on. Throwing a final look at himself in the mirror, he undoes another button on his shirt, tucks it properly into his pants, gives himself a firm nod of approval, then turns around to face the rest of his band. They’re all looking at him, small smiles tugging at their lips, and in a fit of affection, he calls for a band hug that Michael throws himself into, Calum accepts with a shake of his head, and Ashton steps into with a snort of laughter.</p><p>As they make their way from the dressing room to the stage, Luke can’t help but think that Ashton didn’t make a single comment about the makeup.</p><p>Performing <i>She Looks So Perfect</i> is muscle memory, and opening the show with it gives Luke the opportunity to truly appreciate what’s happening around him, everything from his band to the crowd to the flashing lights to the euphoria of having their song sung back at them, even if it’s an old one that he in some ways is tired of. He doesn’t think he’ll ever grow out of the song completely, though. It’s not the one of their songs that he’s the most proud of, nor is it the one he enjoys performing the most on a technical level, but the memories he has connected to it are strong and the echoes of the pride he felt when they first released it are ever present deep within him. </p><p>To perform a song that is so familiar both to them and to the crowd alongside <i>Valentine</i> and <i>Want You Back</i>, which they have never performed live before, leaves Luke with a gentle storm of safety, excitement and nerves blowing in his chest. He feels in his element as he moves around on stage. He can’t see his reflection anywhere, but he knows he looks good, and he’s thriving on that knowledge. Feeling at home in his own exterior makes everything feel easier, makes him move more freely and sing with more ease, and it’s all he can do not to grin his way through the entire concert. As they approach the end of their set and Michael kicks off <i>Jet Black Heart</i> with a quick speech, Luke silently vows to himself that this won’t be the last time he wears makeup. Not if wearing it makes him feel like this.</p><p>They’re barely out of sight of the crowd after leaving the stage before Calum pulls Luke into a gentle headlock, plants a kiss at the top of his head and murmurs, “You were amazing.” He lets go and skips ahead to catch up with Ashton and Michael without giving Luke the chance to respond, but Luke is grateful for it. He has a smile adorning his face all the way out of the venue and into the car that has been ordered for them, and it doesn’t let up as they’re taken from Inglewood through LA, towards their respective houses.</p><p>Michael is dropped off first and he bids them goodbye with a giddy round of adrenaline-fuelled hugs, and they all watch him skip from the road on his way to the house. They smile at each other, but don’t say much as the driver gets the car moving again. They’re less than a minute away from Luke’s house when the comfortable silence in the car is broken.</p><p>“Fetch Petunia and her food and then come back?”</p><p>Luke turns his head to look at Ashton, who’s sitting right next to him. “Hm?”</p><p>“I wanna show you something back at mine,” Ashton says.</p><p>Luke’s mind has drawn a complete blank. “I… yeah, okay, but why do I have to fetch Petunia?”</p><p>“Because it’s late, so unless you wanna haul ass back home later, go fetch Petunia so you can stay at mine tonight,” Ashton says.</p><p>Confused, nervous and more than just a little on edge, Luke does as he’s told. Petunia is fast asleep in the entrance hall, but she wakes up the moment she sees Luke and follows him to the kitchen to fetch her bag of kibble before they return to the car. Either Calum doesn’t care about whatever it is Ashton wants to show Luke or Ashton has already told him what it is; either way, the result is that Calum doesn’t ask a single question during the ten or so minutes it takes for them to get to his house from Luke’s house.</p><p>“Think about what I said, yeah?” Calum says to Luke as he unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door. “About your cheekbones?”</p><p>Ducking his head, Luke smiles and nods. “Yeah, I’ll think about it. Thanks, bro.”</p><p>Calum jumps out and the silence his absence causes seems heavier than the one they were enveloped in before. It’s barely a five-minute drive from Calum’s to Ashton’s, but it feels like half an hour, and Luke is relieved when the driver stops the car and tells them they’re there. Luke is vaguely aware of Ashton thanking the driver as they step out and close the car doors on either side, but his brain feels oddly disconnected.</p><p>Neither of them speak a word as they head inside and up to the lounge. Petunia seems more than happy to be back in the house she viewed as a home for several months, immediately running off to the kitchen in search for her food bowl, and as Luke finds a plate and pours some kibble onto it, he thinks to himself that he understands her completely. Ashton’s house feels more like a home than his own house does, even when it’s been more than two months since he moved out.</p><p>As Petunia chows down on her food, Luke sits down on the couch and sheds his jacket, throwing it carelessly to the floor. Ashton joins him a moment later, offering Luke a beer while he sips on one of his own.</p><p>Accepting the beer, Luke gets comfortable with his knees bent in front of himself before he takes a sip from the bottle. “So… what did you wanna show me?” he asks.</p><p>Ashton looks down to where his fingers are clutching the bottle in his hand, smiling faintly. “Nothing,” he says. “I just wanted some alone-time with you.” </p><p>“Oh,” Luke says, his lips parting on their own accord. “You could… I mean, why didn’t you just say that, then?”</p><p>“Because it would have led to questions that neither of us are prepared to answer?” Ashton asks rhetorically with a pointed smile.</p><p>Again, Luke says, “Oh.” Just to have something to do with himself that isn’t talking or moving, he chugs down half of his beer in one go, which leaves him a little nauseous. He’s never been good at chugging.</p><p>“You finally went through with it,” Ashton says softly. At Luke’s quizzical expression, he continues, “The makeup. You mentioned wanting to try it on New Year’s Eve, but you actually followed through today.”</p><p>Chuckling, Luke smiles at his own knees. “Yeah. I bought the makeup a while back, but… I don’t know. Just didn’t have the courage to actually wear it until today.”</p><p>“What changed?”</p><p>“Nothing in particular,” Luke says honestly. “I bought the stuff online a while back and I just… I guess it felt right today. I wanted to try it out and it was… you know, scary. But I felt great up there, like— like… really good. Confident.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Ashton’s smile widens a little and he shifts closer to Luke until their knees are touching. It’s an innocent touch, one that Luke wouldn’t think twice about if it was someone else who gave it to him, but because it’s Ashton, it makes his skin freeze over while his insides are boiling. Like a number of blunt needles poking through his skin, Luke’s skin is prickling all over, urging him to pose the question that's been weighing on his mind for the last few hours.</p><p>“Do you… do you like it?” he asks. “The makeup, do you think it looks good?”</p><p>“Of course I do,” Ashton says as his hand finds a spot on Luke’s knee, fingers dragging gently. “Told you I liked the idea, didn’t I?”</p><p>“Yeah, but… you didn’t say anything back there,” Luke says, looking down. “At the venue. Cal and Michael did, but you didn’t say anything. I thought maybe… I don’t know. That you didn’t like it.”</p><p>The silence that descends upon them feels far denser than any silence they’ve ever shared before has. Luke stares intently at his own knees, unable to bring himself to look at Ashton, scared of what he might discover if he does.</p><p>A sharp intake of breath from Ashton is what breaks the silence, eventually. “I thought you looked amazing,” he says quietly. “You still do, even if it’s a little smudged now.” Pause. “You look beautiful, Luke. You always do, but the makeup really highlights it.”</p><p>Allowing his eyes to flicker upwards, Luke smiles weakly when he finds himself looking right at Ashton. “Thanks,” he says. “You… you look good, too. Always.” His cheeks flush bright red as soon as the words are out of his mouth, and he clears his throat. “Not that you asked, I— sorry, I… yeah, whatever. I’m pretty tired, is the guest bedroom made up or do you—”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ashton cuts in. “Clean sheets and all.”</p><p>“Okay.” Chugging down the rest of his beer in one go, Luke grimaces slightly before he stands up. “I’ll just… yeah. Bed,” he says, and it comes out so stiffly that he can’t help but pull a face.</p><p>Ashton either doesn’t notice Luke’s discomfort or he chooses to ignore it. He gets up from the couch, putting his beer down on the coffee table, and stands in front of Luke in the narrow space between the couch and the coffee table. Neither of them move immediately. Luke has so many scenarios in his head that he wants to see played out, and none of them are in any way realistic. He wants to take a step forward, wrap his arms around Ashton's neck and pull him in for a kiss. He wants to drag Ashton off to the bedroom, for them both to get undressed and fall into bed so that he can feel Ashton’s skin against his own. He wants to drop to his knees and rub his face against Ashton’s jeans until he’s allowed to suck him off.</p><p>Luke wants so much, but his feelings are supposed to be on a self-imposed lockdown, and all he can have is a bleak hint of his desires.</p><p>Said bleak hint can be acted out through a hug, though, so he wraps Ashton up in one without a second thought, folding his arms around Ashton and burying his face in the juncture between his neck and shoulder. It could be an innocent act, had it not been for the trembling breath that Ashton releases against Luke’s throat as his arms wind around Luke’s waist, and the whimper that Luke lets out in response.</p><p>“Pretty boy,” Ashton whispers. “Beautiful boy.”</p><p>Unable to conjure up even a fraction of the necessary amount of courage to respond in any way, Luke’s only response is a shaky sigh. He indulges himself for a few more seconds before he breaks free of the embrace, refusing to meet Ashton’s gaze as he does.</p><p>“I’m… bed,” he mumbles to the floor.</p><p>“Okay,” Ashton says, and though Luke isn’t looking at him, he can hear the confusion that’s coursing through Ashton. “Sleep tight. Eggs and bacon for breakfast tomorrow?”</p><p>Luke looks up at that, almost on reflex. “You have bacon?”</p><p>“No,” Ashton says, smiling slightly. “I can go shopping before you get up, though.”</p><p>It’s such a small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but it makes Luke smile nonetheless when he’s lying in bed a short while later. The prospect of Ashton making him breakfast combined with Ashton’s, <i>’Pretty boy, beautiful boy’</i> playing on repeat in his head makes Luke fall asleep with a warm flutter in his belly.</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Tuesday, March 20th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Stockholm welcomes them with blinding sunlight and low temperatures when they exit the airport a little before noon on the day of their first show. They’re taken directly to the hotel, a nice one a couple of kilometres outside the city center, and Luke wants to cry when he has to abandon his room as soon as he has ditched his luggage, gotten changed and freshened up a little. He doesn’t want to give interviews or play games for the sake of promo; he wants to get into comfortable clothing and lie on the large bed with the fluffy pillows while he listens to music and doses off.<p>“I want a nap,” he complains as they get out of the car and walk into the wide, albeit low building that houses the radio station they’re due at in ten minutes. “And food. Fuck, I’m hungry. Can we grab lunch when we’re done here?”</p><p>“If you behave,” Michael says from where he’s walking right behind Luke. “I could really go for some pasta. With bacon and a freaky amount of, like, parmesan cheese.”</p><p>Luke moans pitifully. “And a ton of garlic bread. Think we can get that somewhere?”</p><p>“No, Luke, I’m sure the entire city of Stockholm is all out of pasta and garlic bread,” Calum says, whacking the back of Luke’s head.</p><p>“Stop talking about food,” Ashton snaps as they step into the lift. “My stomach’s about to eat itself as it is, it doesn’t need any encouragement.”</p><p>“Why the fuck didn’t we get something to eat before we came here if we’re all starving?” Luke asks, leaning against the wall as the lift takes them to the third floor.</p><p>“I’m not starving,” Calum says. He looks and sounds far too smug for Luke’s liking. “I had a sandwich and a bag of popcorn on the plane, so I’m good.”</p><p>“Shut up, Cal, no one likes you, anyway,” Michael says.</p><p>With Ashton being the type of person to get grumpy when he’s hungry, Luke is surprised by how well he manages to keep it together throughout the interview. The very second they’re back in the car afterwards, however, he closes in on himself and doesn’t speak another word until they’re back at the hotel, takeout bags in hand as they speed walk towards their rooms. They end up in Calum’s room for no particular reason, Calum and Ashton on the bed, Luke and Michael on the couch under the TV, and they scarf down their food at record speed. Luke, being the first to finish, ends up with a stomach ache and he slides to the floor and lies down on his back as he rubs his belly and whines miserably.</p><p>“Maybe think twice before you get an extra large portion the next time,” Michael says as he stuffs his and Luke’s empty food containers into a plastic bag.</p><p>“Or just don’t eat all of it at once,” Ashton supplies as he nibbles on a piece of feta cheese. “You could have saved it for later. For after the show.”</p><p>Luke scowls at him. “But I wanted to eat it now, so that’s what I did.”</p><p>“Then stop complaining, you dug your own grave and now you get to lie in it,” Michael says before he gets on his feet and goes to the bathroom.</p><p>Sitting up and swinging his legs to the floor, Ashton stretches his arms over his head with a small grunt of satisfaction. “What time is it?” he asks.</p><p>“Almost four,” Calum says. “We leave for the venue at six, soundcheck at six forty-five.”</p><p>“I’m gonna take a shower and a quick nap, then,” Ashton says, rising to his feet. “See you in the lobby at six.” </p><p>The moment the door has closed behind Ashton, Michael emerges from the bathroom. “These walls aren’t soundproof at all,” he says. “But I’m gonna follow his example. See you later.” And then he’s off, too, leaving Calum and Luke to their own devices.</p><p>Luke sighs deeply before he gets up on his feet, only to take four steps straight ahead and flop down on the bed next to Calum. “I’m too full to do anything,” he says, voice muffled against the covers. “Need a shower, but… exhausting.”</p><p>“Chill for a while first, then,” Calum says. “How many songs are we debuting today?”</p><p>Rolling over to lie on his back, Luke sniggers. “You’ve forgotten the setlist already?”</p><p>“No, I just asked for shits and giggles,” Calum says flatly. “I’ll be fine once we’re up there, just can’t remember at the top of my head.”</p><p>“Scatterbrain. No, I… four new songs, isn’t it? <i>Moving Along</i>, <i>Youngblood</i>, <i>Talk Fast</i> and… oh, yeah, <i>Lie To Me</i>.”</p><p>“Right, right,” Calum says, humming slightly. “I like <i>Lie To Me</i> a lot. Remember when we started writing it?”</p><p>Luke grins. “Oh, yeah, straight from the airport when we got home from Brazil and into the studio. I was so jetlagged I thought I was gonna throw up.”</p><p>“Same.”</p><p>“I… something changed a little for me after that day, though. I don’t think I ever told you. Or, anyone. Not directly, anyway.”</p><p>Calum draws his eyebrows together and flips over to lie on his side. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“When we got home from the studio that day, I finally… I showed Ash my notebook. All the shit I’d been rambling down since… you know. That’s where <i>Why Won’t You Love Me</i> came from.”</p><p>Propping himself up on one elbow, Calum nods slowly. “I knew the whole initial idea for the song was yours, but I didn’t know all of that went down the same day as <i>Lie To Me</i> was born.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, now you do,” Luke says with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “<i>Better Man</i> happened not long after, when Michael and I were in the studio with Ali and… Marcus, I think.”</p><p>“What? <i>Lie To Me</i> was written in… fuck, when was it? Late August? You didn’t bring <i>Better Man</i> to the table until, like… it must have been at least two months after that.”</p><p>Luke shrugs. “It took us a while to finish it. Does it matter?”</p><p>“Guess not,” Calum says as he drops back down to lie on his side. “Hey, do you know if Ash was serious about what he said back there at the radio station?”</p><p>“What part of it?”</p><p>“The part about him going on blind dates.”</p><p>Luke smiles weakly. “No idea. I didn’t notice anything when I was living with him, but it’s not like I had my eyes on him twenty-four-seven, so… Maybe in the past?”</p><p>“Like when? During all that free time we’ve had over the last few years?”</p><p>“Before the band, maybe?”</p><p>Calum’s face splits into a wide grin that makes his eyes crinkle up. “I don’t think going on blind dates is something one typically does at that age.”</p><p>“Well, then I’m out of options,” Luke says. “Ask him later if you wanna know so desperately.”</p><p>“I just might. If he’s traipsing around LA going on dates with strangers, I feel like that’s something we should know. Like, in case he gets murdered or kidnapped or… something.”</p>
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, April 13th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div><i>Youngblood</i> explodes to a point far beyond their wildest dreams within the first twenty-four hours of it being released. It's been well received when they’ve played it live for their fans, but as it turns out, the general public and reviewers like it as well. Deliriously happy, Luke can’t shake the confused feeling of wonder he’s experiencing, and he tries asking himself if it’s possible that it stems from him having carried around more doubts and insecurities about the band and its future than he's let himself think. As the day goes on and they play their Toronto show, he’s able to push those questions aside and enjoy the crowd and the adrenaline and the sheer joy that nothing but performing has ever brought him.<p>Though it’s nowhere near as satisfying as actually performing, the aftermath where every nook and cranny of Luke’s body is sated and sore like it’s been through a solid round in bed isn’t half bad either. As adrenalin is still pumping through his body, he showers at the venue, alongside Ashton and Calum, while Michael opts out and instead heads straight to the bus.</p><p>“What was it you threw back with that fan, Ash?” Luke hears Calum ask from his cubicle.</p><p>Ashton laughs, loud and cheerful, oblivious to how Luke’s stomach is twisting uncomfortably two cubicles away. “Just water, mate,” he says. “I figured I should wait until we’re a little closer to the end of the tour before I start doing actual shots onstage.”</p><p>“What, in case your mum hits you up and tells you you’re grounded?” Calum asks.</p><p>“Yeah, I reckon it’d be an awkward reason to have to cancel the tour, you know?”</p><p>“‘Cause our almost twenty-four year old drummer was grounded for drinking legally? A bit awkward, yeah.”</p><p>Luke trails a couple of paces behind the other two as they find their way out of the venue and onto the bus. It’s drizzling outside, not to mention freezing cold, and Luke is shivering by the time they get on the bus, despite it only having taken them twenty seconds to cross the large parking lot. Michael is sitting by the table in the kitchenette, busy typing away on his phone.</p><p>“You’re disgusting and not allowed anywhere near me until after you’ve had a shower,” Calum tells him as he roots through the cupboard next to the sink.</p><p>“No worries, I’m off to bed in a moment,” Michael says without looking up from his phone.</p><p>Grabbing two cans of Coke from the fridge, Ashton hands one to Calum before he grins at Michael. “Take the sheets out and burn them tomorrow, then, will you? The smell of your sweat is never gonna disappear from them no matter how many times you wash them.”</p><p>Michael has an entirely unimpressed look on his face when he puts his phone in his pocket and stands up. “Why am I suddenly the one on trial here? You’ve all gone to bed without showering after a show, multiple times each.”</p><p>“I think you were just an easy target, bro,” Luke says.</p><p>“Good job, Luke, you got it right,” Ashton says, poking Luke’s waist with one finger before he heads off to the lounge with Calum at his heels.</p><p>Luke rolls his eyes as he follows Michael in direction of the bunks. He’s only just drawn to a halt when Michael starts unceremoniously tearing his clothes off and tossing them into the empty bunk underneath his own. “Fourteen, fifteen hour drive to Minneapolis, yeah?”</p><p>Leaning sideways against the frame of his own bunk, Luke blinks. “Something like that. Sixteen maybe, depending on traffic and how many times we stop. Why are you stripping down right in front of me?”</p><p>Michael shrugs. “I wanna go to bed and my clothes are sweaty, I wasn’t about to crawl in there with them on. Not my fault you’re just standing there like a fucking creep.”</p><p>“You could’ve showered and gotten changed at the venue, like the rest of us,” Luke says dryly, gesturing vaguely to his own damp hair and clean trackies and hoodie.</p><p>“But I couldn’t be arsed and now I get to suffer,” Michael says. “Wanna stand there and watch me get completely naked, or…?”</p><p>Luke rolls his eyes. “Oh, can I, pretty please?”</p><p>“If you must,” Michael says as he starts lowering his boxers.</p><p>“Maybe next time.” Turning his back on Michael to head to the lounge, he throws a quick, “Sleep tight,” over his shoulder. He finds Ashton and Calum in the lounge with a can of Coke each, and they both appear to be half asleep, having a mumbling conversation. Calum’s Coke is threatening to slip from his hand any moment and his eyelids are drooping.</p><p>“Tired?” Ashton asks when Luke sits down next to him, heaving a deep sigh.</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke says while he drags a hand over his face. “Or, not sleepy, but… you know.”</p><p>“Sleepy,” comes a snuffle from Calum, and Luke and Ashton turn their heads at the same time. Calum’s eyes are closed and he’s slumped over sideways against the wall, legs curled up on the couch. Ashton reaches out and frees the Coke from his hand before an accident can occur.</p><p>“Not to make wild assumptions, but I think Cal’s sleepy,” Luke says, feigning pensiveness.</p><p>“Not to be a crazy person, but I think you might be right,” Ashton says as he puts both his own and Calum’s Cokes on the table in front. “Ready for tomorrow?”</p><p>“How can I not be?” Turning his entire body sideways to face Ashton, Luke pulls his legs up underneath himself and perches his elbow on the back cushion. </p><p>“You know what I mean,” Ashton says. “It’s different to what we used to do. Smaller scale, songs that the fans haven’t heard before, it’s all more… intimate. Plus, none of us is one wrong move from breaking down at any given moment.”</p><p>Luke closes his eyes for a moment and huffs. “It’s good, though, isn’t it? I think— I mean, you and Michael had the right idea when you suggested we do this tour, it’s… yeah, getting the new songs out there, get a feel of what people think about them before the album’s out and all. You were right. We haven’t had too much time to rehearse all of them, but… it’s still good, I think.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ashton says with a faint smile. “Different, for sure, but good. Tonight was solid.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, you even got to do a shot onstage,” Luke says with a chuckle that comes out a bit more forced than he likes.</p><p>Ashton raises his eyebrows and a small, but amused smile tugs at his lips. “You know it was just water, right?”</p><p>Luke shrugs, looks down at his hand, which is resting on his thigh. “Yeah, I heard you tell Calum in the shower.”</p><p>“Okay, so what’s the problem?”</p><p>“There’s no problem. Just pointing out that you got to get all… you know, up close and personal with a pretty girl.”</p><p>“Sure, yeah,” Ashton says slowly after a moment of silence. “What about it?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Luke says quickly, forcing a smile onto his face. It makes his cheeks ache. “Just pointing out that she was… you know.”</p><p>“Pretty,” Ashton supplies. His face is adorned by part amusement, part something else entirely that Luke isn’t able to identify. “She was pretty, yeah. Glad to know your eyes still work.”</p><p>A flutter of annoyance taps through Luke’s stomach on its way to his chest, and he rolls his eyes and stands up, straightening his trackies where they’ve bunched up around his hips. “Nevermind,” he says as he steps over Ashton’s outstretched legs. “Goodnight, see you tomorrow.”</p><p>“Oh, fucking hell, come on,” Ashton says with a groan as he stands up and follows Luke to the door. Grabbing a hold of Luke’s wrist, forcing him to turn around, Ashton asks, “What’s up with you?”</p><p>Eyes flickering down to where Ashton’s fingers are wrapped around his wrist, Luke shakes his head. “Nothing. Sorry. I’m just tired.”</p><p>“You’re tired,” Ashton says with a slow nod. “And being tired makes you all pissy over me getting close to a pretty girl. That checks out.”</p><p>“Why do you have to be such a dick?” Luke snaps, yanking his wrist of Ashton’s hold. “I’m sorry, okay? You can fuck whoever you want, it’s none of my business.”</p><p>“What?” Ashton asks incredulously. “All I did was give her a hug and exchange a few words with her, what—”</p><p>“Well, would you have?” Luke cuts in sharply.</p><p>“Would I have what?”</p><p>“Fucked her, if she was game and we weren’t leaving town right after the show.”</p><p>Ashton opens his mouth, then closes it. Pressing his lips together, he steps closer to Luke, who’s forced up against the wall next to the door. “Does it matter?” he asks, and they’re close enough together that his breath fans over Luke’s chin. “If I’d taken her, or anyone else, back to a hotel room and had sex with them, would it have mattered?”</p><p>Luke’s heart is going a thousand miles per hour, the echo of the beats almost painful where they envelop his larynx, over and over again. Inhaling deeply, he steels himself for a potential punch to the face, a literal one or figurative one, before he asks, “Would you have done it, though?”</p><p>“Would it have mattered?” Ashton asks again, and there’s a hardness in his eyes that Luke has seldom seen there before. It doesn’t become Ashton, he thinks, not when they’re alone, away from provocations like invasive interviewers, disrespectful fans and demanding suits from the label. That hard look has never been for Luke, not until now.</p><p>“I asked you first,” Luke says, and though he tries to sound demanding, he’s lost steam and can feel himself deflate, little by little.</p><p>Drawing another inch closer, Ashton places a hand on Luke’s hip, a barely-there touch that nearly has Luke squirm in his need for <i>more</i>. “No,” Ashton says, eyes directed at Luke’s cheek. “I wouldn’t have slept with her, even if I had the chance. Now answer me: Would it have mattered?”</p><p>Luke shakes his head weakly. “Ash, please don’t… just don’t.”</p><p>“Why not?” Ashton asks. “You can’t just act like a jealous brat for absolutely no reason and then expect me to—”</p><p>“I’m not acting jealous and I’m not acting like a brat,” Luke cuts in. “I just asked you a question and—”</p><p>“Yeah, a question based on <i>jealous</i> assumptions.”</p><p>“I’m not jealous and I didn’t assume anything!”</p><p>“For fuck’s sake, Luke, can we just stop it with the—”</p><p>“Whatever it is you’re fighting about, can you take it somewhere else?”</p><p>Luke jolts sideways to get away from Ashton so fast his elbow knocks into the doorframe and he whimpers in pain. Looking over at Calum, he swallows thickly. “Sorry,” he says as he starts backing out of the lounge. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” Not sparing Ashton another glance, he spins around and walks with quick steps to his bunk, hoists himself up, slips under the covers fully clothed and plugs music into his ears.</p><p>He doesn’t know what’s worse — the fact that Ashton doesn’t come chasing after him, or the fact that a big part of him desperately wishes Ashton <i>would</i> come chasing after him. Despite what he may have said out loud, it would seem that he’s turned into a jealous ball of hormones, ready to lash out to get any type of reaction from Ashton. Turning over on his side, back facing the curtains, he sighs into the darkness. The last time he dealt with jealousy up close like this, it was directed at himself, and he desperately hopes he isn’t about to turn into the type of person who lets their own fucked up emotions become someone else’s agony.</p><p>Before he drifts off to sleep, he vows to make a conscious effort to drown any hint of jealousy that presents itself from now on.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Part 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have a serious case of "No thoughts, head empty" right now. I have things I wanna say about this chapter, but I can't really say any of them without spoiling anything, so... let's just leave it at the fact that I'm both excited and nervous about sharing it and that I really hope you enjoy it (or that it provokes some sort of emotion at least)♥ As always, thank you for taking the time to read and comment and send asks on Tumblr, I appreciate it more than I can put into words, and I love you! Come talk on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Tumblr</a> if you wanna!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, April 16th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Giving Luke’s back a shove to make him move faster out of the lift, Calum flings his bag over his shoulder. “I’m ordering everything on the room service menu. Or, everything that’s unhealthy. Anyone wanna join? Michael?”<p>Michael’s eyes are slightly bloodshot and red around the rims, but he manages to conjure up something akin to a smile. “Yeah, sure. I have to call Crys first, though.”</p><p>Luke meets Ashton and Calum’s gazes in turn before he looks at Michael. “How’s she doing?”</p><p>“About as well as I am,” Michael says as he wipes away a tear with an impatient swipe of his hand. “Except she doesn’t have work to drown herself in or people surrounding her at all hours of the day. Makes it hard for her to keep it together, you know?”</p><p>“She’s not alone in that big house, is she?” Ashton asks with a mild frown. “That doesn’t sound healthy when— given the circumstances.”</p><p>“No, her sister flew in as soon as she heard about…” Michael trails off, taking a deep, shaky breath before he finishes with a soft, “About Georgia.”</p><p>They all draw to a halt outside the door numbered 622, Luke’s room. He looks at Michael, so uncharacteristically quiet and curled in on himself, as he has been since he received the news about Georgia that very same morning. Luke’s heart has been aching on and off ever since, and he has asked Sierra for pictures of Petunia no less than four times throughout the day. Taking a step forward, he pulls Michael in for a hug, and he almost staggers backwards when Michael falls into the embrace with his whole body.</p><p>“I’m really sorry,” Luke mumbles as he strokes Michael’s back.</p><p>“I know, you’ve said it about six thousand times,” Michael says with a small laugh. He pulls back after a short while and turns to Calum. “I’ll be over in a few, just gotta make that call and grab a shower. Fair enough that it’s, like, minus five thousand degrees in this city, but I’m still sweaty in places that I didn’t even know could produce—”</p><p>“Gotcha,” Calum, thankfully, cuts in. “Luke, Ash, you joining?”</p><p>“Sure,” Ashton says. “Give me half an hour and I’ll be over. You’re in 624?”</p><p>“Yeah. What about you, Luke?” Calum asks while Michael crosses the hall and unlocks the door to his room.</p><p>“No, I’m just gonna spend some time alone, I think,” Luke says. “Thanks, though.”</p><p>“We’ll be there if you change your mind,” Calum says as he slips his keycard into the slot and opens the door.</p><p>“Thanks,” Luke says, smiling briefly at Calum before he opens his own door and steps inside. He fumbles around in the relative darkness for a few moments, searching for the keycard slot that’ll turn the electricity on. Once he can see, he dumps his bag on the floor next to the bed and roots through it in search for something comfortable to wear. Despite Chicago having decided to have one of its coldest Aprils in history according to a news article Calum stumbled upon earlier, the hotel room is borderline warm, so Luke settles for a t-shirt and a pair of boxers before he heads to the bathroom and gets in the shower.</p><p>If Twitter is to be believed, it's a common perception among their fans that Luke uses some sort of high-end brand of shampoo and conditioner. As he washes his hair with the probably <i>not</i> high-end brand shampoo supplied by the hotel, he thinks to himself that the perception is somewhat amusing. His hair doesn’t care what he cleans it with, he came to realise a solid while back, as long as it’s soap meant for hair. Dish soap admittedly wasn’t a great idea; he learned that the hard way sometime last spring.</p><p>He can’t be bothered with either the TV or the WiFi, so he grabs his laptop, plugs in the charger and goes searching through his folder of downloaded watchable content. After considering whether or not he should get started on a new series, he ends up clicking on a random episode of <i>How I Met Your Mother</i> that he’s seen approximately five hundred times. He slips under the covers and lies down on his side, laptop right in front, before pulling out his phone to check if there are any notifications that demand his attention.</p><p>The series becomes more background noise than an actual source of entertainment as Luke scrolls through Twitter for a bit, retweets a couple of entries he comes across, answers a text from his mum, smiles and tears up a little at a video of a happy, playful Petunia that Sierra has sent him on Snapchat, and checks that none of the recent emails in his inbox are of importance. One episode turns into a second, then a third, and before Luke knows it, it’s almost midnight and he’s getting drowsier by the second.</p><p>He’s just gotten up to hit the lights and is about to shed his t-shirt when there’s a knock on the door. Sending a silent prayer that it’s neither someone from the crew nor a fan who’s somehow managed to hunt him down, he walks over to the door and peeks out the peephole. His stomach does an uncomfortable swoop upon realising that it’s Ashton on the other side, and he takes a moment to steel himself before he opens the door.</p><p>Ashton gives Luke’s half-naked body a quick onceover, then takes in the darkness of the room over his shoulder. “Were you asleep?” he asks.</p><p>“No, just… couldn’t be bothered with clothes,” Luke says. “I was about to go to bed, though. What’s up?”</p><p>“Can we talk? We haven’t, really, since the other day.”</p><p>Luke could play stupid, could pretend that he has no idea what Ashton’s talking about, could argue that they’ve talked plenty of times today, yesterday, the day before. But he’s tired and he doesn’t want to fight, and he knows full well that Ashton isn’t going to let the matter go before it’s been resolved in some way. So, he steps aside and holds out a hand, wordlessly telling Ashton to come inside, then closes the door with a silent click.</p><p>The only light in the room comes from the laptop on the bed, and Luke doesn’t feel like changing that. He crawls back under the covers, moves the laptop to the nightstand, then lies down and watches as Ashton sits down on the free side of the bed, on top of the covers, leaned back against the cushioned headboard.</p><p>“Was it fun in there, with all the unhealthy food?” Luke asks after a few seconds of silence.</p><p>“Yeah, we watched… I can’t even remember the name of the movie, something action, lots of explosions and guns,” Ashton says. Luke can barely make out his face in the dim lighting. “They decided to start drinking half an hour ago, though, and… you know.”</p><p>Luke nods slightly, the side of his face dragging against the pillow. “Have you considered maybe… telling them? There’s no way they would have pulled out any alcohol if they knew.”</p><p>“I’m not ready to deal with full-on yet, and you know they’d try to make me if they knew,” Ashton says. “I’ll tell them sooner or later, but not right now. Telling you was hard enough and you’re… well, you’re <i>you</i>, you know?”</p><p>“Sure, yeah,” Luke mumbles, even though he doesn’t really know. He’d like to know, but he doesn’t. “Are you okay, though?”</p><p>“Kinda craving a drink, to be completely honest, but I’m okay.” Ashton pauses for a moment, then adds, “Look, I wanna talk about the other night, but are you gonna hate me if I say that I also had an ulterior motive for coming here?”</p><p>Luke’s heart skips a beat. “I… depends on what the ulterior motive is.”</p><p>“Nothing bad,” Ashton says quickly. “I… there’s a minibar in my room.”</p><p>Luke blinks and turns over on his back to be able to look up at Ashton without getting a crick in his neck. “Yeah…? Pretty sure there’s one in every room?”</p><p>Ashton laughs curtly. “Try using your brain, Luke. I want a drink and there’s a minibar in my room, in which there would be no one and nothing to distract me from making good use of said minibar. And I don’t wanna. Not tonight.”</p><p>It takes Luke another five seconds of staring up at Ashton before he’s able to connect the dots. “Oh,” he says softly when he understands. “Right, yeah. So… you came here because you didn’t wanna be on your own?”</p><p>“Something like that,” Ashton says. He shuffles down on the bed until he’s lying on his back, eyes glinting slightly as he stares up at the ceiling. “I’d come to you even if Cal and Mike weren’t busy, though.”</p><p>Luke swallows. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Pause. “You’re always my first choice. At least lately. The last few months.”</p><p>Drawing a deep breath, pushing it past the dense lump of tangled emotions that’s appeared in his upper chest, Luke rolls over to lie on his side. For a little while, he simply looks at Ashton, takes in the complacent expression on his face, the smoothness of his skin, how soft his hair looks when it’s recently washed, void of product, soft curls sprawled out.</p><p>“You’ve become mine, too,” he mumbles when Ashton tips his head to the side and his eyes connect with Luke’s. “First choice, I mean. And… I’m sorry about the other night. I shouldn’t have flipped out, it was out of line and unnecessary and… I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Ashton says.</p><p>“No, it really isn’t,” Luke says with a strangled laugh. “I know it’s not— I mean, if you wanted to take someone back to a hotel or home or wherever, that’s your business, it’s not my place to—”</p><p>“I don’t, though,” Ashton interrupts. “I don’t wanna take anyone to my hotel room or home. Or anywhere.”</p><p>Luke recognises that he has a chance to make some sort of progress now. He could ask why Ashton doesn’t want to take someone home, if it’s because he has his eyes on someone specific that renders everyone else completely irrelevant. He could tell Ashton that he’s in the same boat, that he has no interest whatsoever in finding someone to take to bed for the night because the only person he wants in his bed is already in his immediate vicinity almost twenty-four seven.</p><p>But the thought of doing it is too overwhelming, too scary, the potential fall he’ll suffer if he’s misinterpreting something is too hard. So, instead, he just smiles and says, “Okay.” It’s a small word, not nearly big enough to justify the hole it leaves in its absence.</p><p>Ashton smiles back. “Okay. We’re good, then?”</p><p>“We were never not good,” Luke says. “I have a short fuse, but I can’t stay mad for more than ten minutes, you know that better than anyone.”</p><p>“Let me rephrase: We haven’t been in a room alone together since Thursday and it’s not a coincidence, so are we done with all that now? Because we’re on the road for a while longer and we have a video shoot coming up and this whole… tension-thing isn’t working for me.”</p><p>Pursing his lips around a smile, Luke nods. “Yeah. We’re done with it.”</p><p>“Good.” Ashton’s gaze flickers around the room. “I’m gonna go, then. Let you go to bed.”</p><p>“I’m already in bed,” Luke reasons. “And you… I don’t want you to go back to your room if it’s gonna be hard for you to… you know, be there by yourself.” Clearing his throat, he wills himself not to blush when he says, “You can stay here tonight if you want. Bed’s big enough for two.”</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve shared a bed.”</p><p>“It’s been a while, though. Like, several years probably. You’ve grown like two metres.”</p><p>“While you remain as scrawny as you were at eighteen?”</p><p>“Damn straight.” Ashton grins. “Are you sure it’s okay?” Luke just nods and watches as Ashton raises his hips to slip his trackies off, leaving him in his underwear and a t-shirt, like Luke, then loosen the covers from where they’re tucked tightly around the mattress and throw them over himself.</p><p>Luke rolls over just enough to be able to close his laptop, sending the room into almost complete darkness, then returns to his position, facing Ashton. “I’m… really fucking tired, I’m gonna pass out any moment,” he mumbles as he lets his eyelids flutter shut. “But wake me up if you need anything, okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine, and I’ll continue to be fine,” Ashton says. The sheets rustle and the mattress shifts slightly, and then calloused fingers are brushing over the back of Luke’s hand. They move up and down a couple of times, then still while resting on top of Luke’s. “Night, Luke. Sleep tight.”</p><p>Smiling weakly, Luke turns his hand and hooks his thumb over Ashton’s pinky. It’s not everything he wants, far from it, but the fact that Ashton’s response to holding hands with Luke in the darkness and the silence of an anonymous hotel room is a content sigh, is <i>something</i>. A grounding force in the midst of the stress and exhaustion of being on tour, one that helps dull the confusion and neediness and want, even if just for a moment.</p><p>They fall asleep like that, parted by two feet of space, but with their hands loosely clasped together.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, April 20th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Luke’s eyes are darting back and forth, taking in the outdoor dining area in which they’re seated. It’s relatively late at night and every sitting group around them is taken, the whole area lit up by fire pits on the stone floor and strings of large light bulbs hanging from the wooden beams above them. They have the evening off after a long day of doing promo and what started out with three of them saying they wanted to stay on the bus and get some much needed rest ended with Michael convincing them to go out.<p>It’s quite nice, though, Luke thinks to himself; the weather’s lovely, the temperature is decent despite the late hour, and the restaurant slash bar they wound up at has a relaxing atmosphere.</p><p>“Wasn’t it here in Houston that we ate that gigantic hamburger a few years ago?” Calum asks, looking at each of them in turn.</p><p>“Wasn’t that in New York?” Ashton asks from where he’s sitting next to Calum on the couch.</p><p>“What? No, definitely not,” Calum says, shaking his head. “We did three of those food-videos and one of them was here in Houston. One was in Philadelphia, I remember because we ate Philly cheesesteaks. I think the last one was… was it LA?”</p><p>“No, I think it was somewhere in Florida,” Luke says, drawing his eyebrows together in concentration as he looks at Calum across the table. “So… probably Orlando or Miami?”</p><p>“And the Philly cheesesteak-video wasn’t for the same series as the other two,” Michael says. “That happened earlier and… I don’t remember why we filmed it.”</p><p>“Why did we film most of what we did back then?” Luke asks rhetorically, to which Michael hums in agreement.</p><p>“We thought we were funny, that’s why,” Calum says, raising his drink at Luke before taking a sip. “I reckon it was cute, if nothing else. Wouldn’t be quite as cute if we did it now that we’re all old and mature, but…”</p><p>“Old and mature,” Luke repeats. “So, it was all that maturity that had you suggesting that we get drunk on camera while we talk about the album and then post the videos to YouTube? Not that the idea isn’t solid or that I’m opposed to doing it, but to call it ‘mature’ may be a bit of a… stretch.”</p><p>“It’s an adult thing to do,” Calum says, huffing a little. “Alcohol is an adult beverage, isn’t it?”</p><p>Michael snorts. “Not really, considering we’ve all been getting drunk since we were, like, fifteen.”</p><p>“It was Houston and Miami,” Ashton says, just loud enough to get their attention. Holding up his phone for them to see, he continues, “We had gigantic pizzas in Houston and the gigantic burger in Miami. And you’re right, Mike, the cheesesteaks were a year before that. According to YouTube, anyway.”</p><p>“And in YouTube we trust,” Luke says.</p><p>“In YouTube we trust,” Calum agrees as he lights up a cigarette and offers the carton around. Ashton and Michael decline, while Luke accepts.</p><p>“Great, the two band members who sing the most on this album are both smoking,” Ashton says with a snort. “I’m not taking over a bunch of your vocals if your voices end up all fucked, just so you know.”</p><p>Puffing out a cloud of smoke, Luke rolls his eyes. “I don’t think one cigarette every six months is gonna fuck up my voice,” he says.</p><p>“Oh, you went to medical school, did you?” Ashton retorts. “When did you have time for that?”</p><p>Luke sticks his tongue out. “After <i>Sounds Live Feels Live</i>, took me, like, two months to graduate, they called me a prodigy.”</p><p>“The only area in which you would ever be called a prodigy is the one of staring into the distance with vacant eyes, like a fucking zombie,” Michael says. “It doesn’t really work, anyway, because I’m pretty sure prodigies are children, like, by definition."</p><p>“I thought it just meant someone extremely talented,” Calum says.</p><p>“No, Michael’s right, I think,” Ashton says. “Sorry, Luke, but you’re not a prodigy.”</p><p>Luke purses his lips. “But if I graduated medical school when I was… I don’t know, eleven, I’d be a prodigy, right?”</p><p>Grinning, Ashton nods. “Yeah, but hopefully one with very few job offers. Dunno how I would’ve felt if I went to the hospital and was greeted by an eleven year-old doctor.”</p><p>“Probably too shocked to comment on it,” Michael says. “Speaking of young doctors, though. Fucking shit, when I was, like, fifteen, I had to go to the doctor to get my dick checked out—”</p><p>“You had to what?” Luke cuts in with a laugh that Ashton and Calum echoes.</p><p>“It was a little swollen and there was a small wound on it that wouldn’t grow,” Michael says with a dismissive gesture of his hand. “Anyway, I got there and—”</p><p>“How did it get swollen <i>and</i> wounded, though?” Ashton asks. Calum’s busy clutching his stomach from laughing so hard.</p><p>“How do you think, Ash?” Michael asks, his tone of voice flat. “Do you wanna hear the story or not?”</p><p>“Honestly, I’d rather we continue mocking you,” Ashton says. “But fine, continue telling the story.”</p><p>“Thanks.” Having a swig of his beer, Michael clears his throat. “So, I got there and I’d never been to see this particular doctor before because, like, I never really go to the doctor, right? And I sat in the waiting room next to my dad, embarrassed as hell already because I’d had to explain to him <i>why</i> I needed him to make me a doctor’s appointment and then he had to drive me there, right? And then my name was called out on one of those speakers and I walked in and of fucking course this doctor turned out to be a very pretty woman, she can’t have been older than thirty, and I had to explain the problem and drop my pants and to this day, that’s by far the most embarrassing experience I’ve ever had.”</p><p>“You know what I’m taking from this, Michael?” Ashton says with a little sniff. “That you’ve lied to a number of fans and interviewers over the years, because we’ve been asked about embarrassing and awkward moments a ton of times, and yet this is the first time anyone has ever heard that story.”</p><p>“What, so you think he should have busted out <i>that</i> in an interview?” Luke giggles before he takes a drag from his dying cigarette.</p><p>“He should have, yeah,” Ashton says with a stoic nod. “It’s called owning up to past mistakes, Lukey.”</p><p>Luke cocks his head to the side. “Isn’t that part of the reason we write music? To own up to past mistakes, but without having to… you know, do it too directly?”</p><p>“Maybe, but a song about Michael wanking himself sore and swollen isn’t going on any of our albums if you want me behind the drums,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Such a prude,” Calum says, sighing deeply. “It could have been a monster hit.”</p><p>Michael hums through a mouthful of beer. “Sure,” he says once he’s swallowed. “If we used so many tricky metaphors that no one ever found out the real meaning.”</p><p>Taking one last drag of the cigarette, Luke puts it out in the ashtray. “Why don’t we wait and see how this album does before we start planning potential themes for the next one? For all we know, it’s gonna get panned by everyone and we end up so disheartened that we break up.”</p><p>No one says anything for a solid three seconds, then Calum bursts out laughing. “Always the optimist,” he says. “You know as well as the rest of us that the album’s great and <i>Want You Back</i> was well received and <i>Youngblood</i> has been more than well received, so I don’t see why the rest of the album shouldn’t be, too.”</p><p>Luke knows Calum has a point. It’s been a little over a week since <i>Youngblood</i> dropped, and it’s been received with more mainstream attention than any of their songs have since <i>She Looks So Perfect</i>, not to mention how much the fans seem to be loving it. The fact that it wasn’t originally intended to be a single is easy to forget, Luke thinks, but what he <i>can’t</i> seem to forget is that the song started with a few lines written by Ashton almost a year ago. There’s nothing negative about his inability to let go of that particular piece of trivia, though, as its foundation is made of nothing but pride and adoration.</p><p>He feels it strongly now, solidified as a pleasantly heavy presence in his chest, as he looks at Ashton, watching him talk animatedly to Calum about something that Luke isn’t paying attention to. A smile finds its way to his face on its own accord and blood rushes to his face, making his cheeks heat up. He likes watching Ashton in any situation, and he especially likes the way watching Ashton makes him feel; warm, short of breath and a little weak in the knees, desperately craving any attention that Ashton is inclined to give him. Smiles, hugs, long conversations, cuddles… all that and everything it could signalise, everything it could lead to if one of them took the right step at the right time.</p><p>He wants it all and he wants it with Ashton, and it’s terrifying.</p><p>“You there?” Michael is snapping his fingers in front of Luke’s face.</p><p>Luke clears his throat, shifting his attention to Michael. “Sorry, just… zoned out,” he says.</p><p>“What are you thinking about?” Michael asks, a glint of amusement playing in his eyes.</p><p>“Just the album,” Luke says, and he both loves and hates how easily the lie slips off his tongue.</p><p>Michael narrows his eyes and a crooked smile tugs at his lips. “Okay,” he says, and there’s something in his voice that tells Luke he doesn’t buy the lie for one second.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, April 29th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>They’ve been at it for less than an hour and a half and Luke is already ready to lie down on the cold, wet ground and scream. He can’t do that, though, because they have a fucking music video to shoot, and while it’s not a complicated one that requires much actual acting of any kind, what it does require is infinitely more draining to channel — actual, real, raw emotions. As he sits in the back of the car in the middle of the race track, waiting for Brendan to tell him it’s go-time again, he closes his eyes and drags his hands across his face.<p>He’s never minded the acting-aspect that some of their past music videos have required of him, he’s generally found it fun, and he reckons that what he has to do now is <i>some</i> type of acting, but it’s different. It’s not fun, that’s for sure, but there’s something else as well. It’s different in the way that what he has to act out is a set of emotions that were once his, but that he long since lit on fire and tossed out the window. Having to catch the ashes now, months after he released them, feels dangerous. Devastatingly foreboding, almost, as if there’s a chance that he’ll catch the ashes and watch them be reborn as the same destructive, malevolent phoenix they once were as opposed to remaining ashes that he can let go of as soon as he’s taken what he needs from them.</p><p>“Luke?” Shaking his head to clear it, Luke looks out the window, plastering on a smile for Brendan. “We’re ready to start back up. From, ‘Flashing back to New York City’, okay?”</p><p>It takes a long time to get all the shots right. Luke mimes his heart out, as far as that’s physically possible, and he forces his mind back a year, to when everything was crumbling around him and the words that he’s currently pretending to sing were a truth that he wasn’t yet ready to confront. As he follows directions to the best of his abilities, occasionally having to close his eyes and take a deep breath, his thoughts won’t stop racing and he comes to realise something. </p><p>The emotions that are being forcibly returned to him aren’t just the ones he already knew he was once in possession of, those of heartache and fear and betrayal. They’re also ones of realisation, because it dawns on him, bit by bit, that he was also in a serious case of denial. He knows that that’s something he should have realised a long time ago, because it’s clear as day to him now — ironically enough considering it’s nighttime — that when he was standing in the middle of the hurricane, he couldn’t see everything that was twirling around him.</p><p>He’s been thinking for a long time that it was a vicious tidal wave he rode out. Now, however, he realises that it was a full blown tsunami that could have easily washed him into a far deeper ditch than the one he happened to land in.</p><p>There’s a <a href="https://calmfolklore.tumblr.com/post/629476353459224577/um-sossiesi-rewatched-the-lie-to-me-mv-and">moment</a> when they’re nearing the end of the shoot that he’s certain he’s going to lose it. He’s sitting on the roof of the car, miming along to the lyrics, when he tears up quite suddenly, far more intensely than he has so far, and his facial muscles do everything in their power to give in to the abundance of tightly wound emotions that are clawing at every atom in his body. Just as he’s on the cusp of jumping down onto the ground to act out a drama queen moment by shouting that he needs five minutes, Brendan yells, “Cut!”, effectively sparing Luke the trouble of being branded ‘difficult’.</p><p>Quickly wiping at his eyes in case of stray tears, he gets off the car and walks over to where Brendan’s standing next to one of the camera guys. “Do you think we got it?” he asks.</p><p>“Looks good,” says the camera guy, eyes glued to the monitor in front of him.</p><p>“Yeah, I think we’re all done, that was the last bit we needed,” Brendan says. He tears his eyes away from the monitor in favour of looking at Luke, and frowns. “You okay, kiddo?”</p><p>“‘Kiddo’?” Luke repeats with a chuckle. “You’ve got, like, ten years on me.” Brendan just smiles in response, and Luke nods. “I’m okay, just tired. Do you know where—”</p><p>“Luke!”</p><p>Looking over Brendan’s shoulder, Luke spots Ashton by one of the entrances to the track. “Nevermind, got my answer,” he tells Brandon. “You’re doing the… fire-stuff tomorrow night, right? I’ll come by and watch if that’s cool?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, no problem, we start shooting at seven,” Brendan says with a wave of his hand. “Go home and get some rest now, you look dead on your feet.”</p><p>Luke offers a smile and a wave goodbye to the parts of the crew that are in his eyesight before he heads over to Ashton, who doesn’t give him time to utter a single word before he envelops Luke in a tight, warm hug. Luke closes his eyes and falls into the embrace, breathing in the comfortable, familiar scent, allowing it to drag some of the turmoil still raging inside out of him. The turmoil is slowly replaced by complete and utter exhaustion, and as much as he’d like to stay in Ashton’s arms for the foreseeable future, he pulls back when his eyelids start drooping.</p><p>“Thanks,” he mumbles when he locks eyes with Ashton. </p><p>“Yeah.” Ashton raises a hand to push a stray curl away from Luke’s forehead, but stills mid-motion and lets his arm drop back to his side. “Sorry.”</p><p>“No, it’s— no, don’t apologise,” Luke says. He manages a tired smile, and they hold eye contact for a couple of more beats. “So… have you seen Cal? He was supposed to be my ride home and he has Petunia.”</p><p>“I sent him on his way, said I’d take you,” Ashton says. “Petunia’s in my car. Come on, I’m parked up front.”</p><p>The moment they’re in the car, Luke has fastened his seatbelt and Petunia has greeted him with a whine from the backseat, he’s hit by another wave of exhaustion. It’s not the type of exhaustion that makes him want to sleep, rather the type that makes him want to just exist without expectations for a little while. He leans his head against the window, focuses on the cold surface and how it contrasts with his overheated skin. It feels good. Grounding, in a way.</p><p>“You okay, Lukey?” Ashton asks when a few minutes have passed.</p><p>Straightening up, Luke smiles at Ashton. “Tired,” he says. “Emotionally drained, I guess.”</p><p>“It was a tough shoot, more for you than anyone else,” Ashton says. He lets go of the steering wheel with one hand and reaches blindly for Luke’s thigh, giving it a gentle clutch when he finds it. “How did it feel? I know it’s been a while since we wrote and recorded the song, but…”</p><p>“It didn’t haul me permanently back into the dark abyss, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Luke laughs softly. “It took a lot of energy to get through the shoot and… you know, it wasn’t fun having to channel all that shit, but it’s temporary, I’m pretty sure. I’ll be fine once I’ve had some sleep. And a shower and some food.”</p><p>“Alright,” Ashton says. He goes quiet for a moment before he speaks up again. “Do you wanna come back to mine? I know it’s pretty late, but I could cook us something for dinner. That pizza with all those damn veggies on it that you like so much, if you want? I’ll drive you home later, or you could just stay the night. Whatever you feel like when the time comes.”</p><p>Luke’s lips part in slight surprise, but he doesn’t give the offer more than a second of thought before he nods and says, “Yeah, that sounds nice.”</p><p>Somehow, he manages to keep any and all thoughts at bay as the car takes them through the city, and Ashton doesn’t say anything to force his brain into action either. There’s a hint of tension hanging in the air, though, and Luke knows that Ashton feels it, too; there’s no chance that he doesn’t, because it’s not the first time the same tension has occupied the space between them. It was there on New Year’s Eve, it was there in the studio the day they wrote <i>Want You Back</i>, it was there in Ashton’s hotel room the night tickets for 5SOSIII went on sale. And now it’s making another appearance, when Luke doesn’t have nearly the necessary amount of energy required to fight it.</p><p>It’s a little past eleven o’clock when Ashton parks in the driveway outside his house. They don’t talk as they make their way inside and head upstairs, and they keep not talking while they go about the lounge to turn on the lights. Standing in the middle of the lounge, a couple of metres separating them, they look at each other, and Luke feels completely empty all of a sudden, but blissfully so. He feels like he’s floating, almost, as he looks into Ashton’s eyes and though neither of them have moved as much as an inch, they seem to gravitate closer to one another.</p><p>“So…” Ashton says eventually, and he sounds just as dazed as Luke feels. “I’ll find you some clean clothes to wear and you can take a shower while I get started on dinner?”</p><p>Luke nods. “Yeah, sure. Lead the way.”</p><p>Maintaining eye contact with Luke for another few seconds, Ashton turns around and heads towards his bedroom, and Luke follows right behind. He stops for a moment in the doorway, watching as Ashton opens his closet and starts rooting through one of the drawers.</p><p>“Trackies or pyjama pants?” he asks.</p><p>“Doesn’t matter,” Luke says as he steps over, stopping right next to Ashton’s side. “Got one of those knitted sweaters, though?”</p><p>Ashton hums as he blindly hands Luke a pair of checkered pyjama pants and starts searching through another drawer. After a few seconds, he lets out a triumphant noise and pulls out a thick moss green knitted sweater that Luke is fairly certain he stole at least three times when he lived here. Shutting the closet door, Ashton turns around to hand Luke the sweater, and suddenly they’re standing awfully close together, their chests nearly touching, and Luke loses all train of thought.</p><p>“I— thanks,” he says, voice barely audible as he accepts the jumper. Ashton just nods in response, his eyes busy scanning Luke’s face while his teeth are busy digging into his bottom lip. Clearing his throat, Luke swallows. “I should just… you know, shower.”</p><p>“I should… dinner,” Ashton mumbles.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>They stare at each other, both equally wide-eyed and silently begging the other to make a move — any move that will allow them to wrench themselves free from the stalemate they’re currently stuck in. For the second time in what feels like as many minutes, Luke feels like he’s floating through thin air, the intensity of Ashton’s gaze filling his body like helium. He wonders dazedly if Ashton’s in the same predicament, or at least an equal one; he thinks, if he lets himself feel hopeful, that that just might be the case.</p><p>“Luke?” Ashton says eventually.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“We… it’s just us.” There’s an audible swallow, and Luke doesn’t know if it came from himself or from Ashton. All he knows is that it snapped through the air, momentarily cutting through the crackling tension that’s dancing like vapor between them. “It’s not New Year’s Eve. We’re not drunk or high. No excuses to hide behind this time. It’s just… us.”</p><p>Luke’s breath catches in his throat, and he has to take a moment before he replies with a soft, “I know.”</p><p>“Can I—”</p><p>“Please,” Luke says, and the word comes out as more of a gasp than anything else. He lets his eyes flutter shut and drops the clothes in his arms to the floor, tilting his head forward until his forehead’s resting against Ashton’s. “Anything, please…”</p><p>“Fuck,” Ashton breathes, and that’s all Luke knows before he’s being pulled in by the waist for a hard, insistent kiss. He grunts from the sheer force of it, and the moment his lips part, Ashton’s tongue is there, and Luke lets out another noise, though this one is founded by pleasure. Threading his fingers through Ashton’s hair, Luke tugs him impossibly closer, and Ashton groans as their tongues slide against one another in a desperate and messy kiss that has no right feeling as good as it does.</p><p>Not breaking the kiss, nor slowing it down, Ashton starts unbuttoning Luke’s jeans with frantic hands before pushing them halfway down his thighs. They pull apart then, but only for the few seconds it takes them to get out of their respective jeans and t-shirts, then Ashton’s on him again, ravishing his lips while his fingers dig into the soft skin on his waist. Ashton pushes Luke backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed, and they fall over, Ashton landing on top of Luke. With a huff and a breathless laugh, he props himself up on his elbows, hovering over Luke.</p><p>“Is this—” he starts, but Luke doesn’t want to hear the question; he already knows what it’s going to be, and he chooses to answer by leaning up and reconnecting their lips. Ashton dives straight into it, and maybe Luke would be put off by the complete lack of easing into things if it was anyone else, but… it’s Ashton. Luke can’t pinpoint when exactly it started, but he knows that what they’re doing right now has been a long time coming, and he can’t be bothered by worrying about finesse. All he can focus on is Ashton’s body, solid and warm and emitting a familiar, lovely scent, his hips slotted between Luke’s parted legs, moving slowly as their lips mold against each other with what could easily be mistaken for practiced ease.</p><p>As he grows harder in his boxers and can feel Ashton doing the same, a part of his subconscious reminds him of the last time they were in this position. Halloween. Luke has no desire whatsoever to relive that humiliation, so when Ashton grinds down particularly hard and they both groan into the kiss, he pulls back, breathing raggedly.</p><p>“Fuck me,” he whispers. “Please?”</p><p>Ashton blinks, opens his mouth, then closes it. "Like… literally?" he asks.</p><p>"What?" Luke snorts. "Yes, Ash, literally."</p><p>"Just making sure," Ashton says with a nod as he sits up and rises from the bed, heading over to his dresser. Pulling his underwear off, Luke props his legs up and lets them fall to the side, wraps his fingers around his hard cock and gives it a couple of slow, careful jerks as he watches Ashton root through the top drawer of his dresser.</p><p>“Should start keeping this in my nightstand,” Ashton says as he returns to the bed, a bottle of lube and a condom in one hand as he pulls his underwear off with the other.</p><p>Luke’s spared from having to come up with an answer when he, for the first time in his life, is given the chance to properly take in Ashton’s erection. “Oh,” he breathes as Ashton kneels between his parted legs, eyes glued to the rather impressive dick in front of him.</p><p>“What, you disappointed?” Ashton asks as he pops open the lube and squirts a generous amount onto his fingers.</p><p>“Nervous, is more like,” Luke mutters. “You better prep me properly if you want me to be able to walk tomorrow. Or sit.”</p><p>“I will, don’t worry,” Ashton says, smiling crookedly as he drags his clean hand up and down the back of Luke’s thighs. “You’re absolutely sure, right? Because if we do this, we can’t take it back.”</p><p>“I want it,” Luke says. “I want— I want you. No doubt.”</p><p>Ashton nods as he brings his lubed up fingers down between Luke’s legs, keeping his other hand on Luke’s thigh. He rubs some of the liquid along the underside of Luke’s tightly drawn balls, eliciting a hiccuped moan from him, before he moves further down. Taking his time to simply rub his fingers around and along the hole, slicking the area properly up, he licks his lips before he looks up to meet Luke’s gaze.</p><p>“Have you done this before?” he asks.</p><p>Biting his lip, Luke nods. “Yeah. It’s okay, just… go ahead. I can take it.”</p><p>While his eyebrows raise slightly in surprise, Ashton doesn’t make any further inquiries. Ever so slowly, he pushes his middle finger in, and Luke closes his eyes as he hooks his arms underneath his knees to pull his legs back. Ashton’s jaw is clenched tightly, and a quick look at his stomach tells Luke that Ashton’s cock is as hard as it can possibly get, leaking slightly and flushed red, and a burst of arousal all but punches him in the chest at the sight.</p><p>“One more,” Luke says after a bit. “Go on, it’s fine, I’m good.”</p><p>Ashton complies, and it’s when two of his fingers are fully inside that Luke really starts feeling it; that desperate need to be filled up, one he hasn’t felt in a long time, but that he still recognises with ease. He starts meeting Ashton’s thrusts halfway, throwing his head back as he’s letting out a string of breathy, involuntary moans each time Ashton goes back in. Dropping one of his legs to grab a tight hold around the base of his cock, Luke whimpers as Ashton fingers him, slowly and deliberately.</p><p>“Think you can take another?” Ashton asks, and his voice sounds strained.</p><p>Luke nods as he releases his cock to once again focus on bringing his legs as far back against his chest as he can possibly manage. The third finger is a tight fit, and it takes a while for Ashton to get it fully inside along the other two. Keeping his fingers straight and rigid, occasionally spreading them slightly apart, Ashton fucks into Luke. And while it feels deliriously good and Luke has to keep restraining himself from starting to jerk himself off in time with the slide of Ashton’s fingers, he comes to the sudden realisation that there’s a chance Ashton might need a tiny bit of guidance.</p><p>“Crook your fingers halfway in,” he pants. “Maybe just one or two, but…”</p><p>“What?” Through the dark arousal in Ashton’s eyes, something seems to click, and he nods. “Oh,” he murmurs. “Right, yeah. Tell me if I do it wrong.”</p><p>He doesn’t, though. Pushing his fingers inside a few times, bending two of them tentatively, he finds it on the fifth try or so, and Luke’s entire body spasms. He instinctively loses his hold on his own legs, but simultaneously spreads them further apart as he throws his head back and cries out. “Yeah, I— yeah, right there!”</p><p>“Shit,” Ashton groans. “You— shit, you look… so fucking hot right now.”</p><p>Forcing his legs back as far as his joints will physically allow him, Luke moans again. “Just— just a little bit more and you can— yeah.”</p><p>Luke’s eyes are closed, but he can hear, he can <i>feel</i> with his entire body, how desperate Ashton is to get inside him, but despite that, he doesn’t rush. He keeps fingering Luke at the same perfect pace, fingertips nudging against his prostate every time he’s about to pull back out, and his free hand is holding onto Luke’s hip like it’s a lifeline. </p><p>And Luke feels like he’s on fire; he can’t remember the last time, if ever, he felt like this during sex, much less during foreplay, and something about knowing that it’s Ashton who’s granting him the pleasure has him cry out loudly. Ashton, who he’s known since he was a teenager; Ashton, who’s always been there for him in his times of need; Ashton, who’s always been physically attractive, but who Luke still never thought about like that until everything changed; Ashton, who he suddenly realises he trusts more than anyone else in his life.</p><p>Grabbing a hold of Ashton’s wrist, Luke releases a shaky breath and nods. “I’m good, you can...”</p><p>Ashton pulls his fingers slowly out of Luke, halting for a moment to drag his fingers over Luke’s rim. Without a word, he reaches for the condom previously discarded on the bed beside them and tears the packet open with his teeth. He rolls it on with swift, practised movements before getting in position between Luke’s legs, and grabbing a hold of his dick.</p><p>Locking eyes with Luke, he nudges the tip against Luke’s hole, face scrunching up in pleasure and concentration as he starts pushing inside. Luke pushes his hands between his inner thighs and Ashton’s outer, clinging onto Ashton’s hips as sinks in, inch by inch, until he’s buried to the hilt. Once fully connected, Luke looks up at Ashton with wide, somewhat wet eyes, taking in the sight of the man hovering above him with an almost pained expression on his face.</p><p>“Okay?” he whispers as he thumbs on Ashton’s hip.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Ashton replies as he screws his eyes shut and slumps down to rest his head on Luke’s shoulder. “Just… tight and— shit, you feel <i>really</i> fucking good, baby.”</p><p>The pet name makes Luke’s heart skip one, two, three beats, and leaves him feeling breathless with pure want. “You can move,” he whispers as he places his hands, shaky and frantic on Ashton’s waist. “Careful, though.”</p><p>With a nod that drags against Luke’s shoulder, Ashton pulls out, then slides back in. He’s shaking from head to toe, clearly fighting the battle of his life to keep it together, and a wave of fondness washes over Luke. Lifting a shaky hand, he puts a hand on the side of Ashton’s face, and Ashton leans into it immediately, as if on reflex.</p><p>“‘S okay,” Luke whispers. “It’s okay, it’s okay…”</p><p>“‘M not gonna last,” Ashton says, accompanied by a weak hint of a laugh. “I’m sorry, I wanna, but… but you— I don’t think I can.” He groans deep in his throat as he thrusts inside Luke again, and Luke cradles his head as he hitches his legs up, securing their position on the sharp angle of Ashton’s hips.</p><p>Mouthing against the side of Ashton’s head, Luke whimpers when Ashton picks up his pace. There are too many impressions being thrown at him all at once, it’s overwhelming in a way that leaves him with no option but to lie back, hold onto Ashton and take everything he’s given, revelling in the sensations that are shooting from every nerve in his body.</p><p>“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Ashton groans as he starts planting a trail of kisses along Luke’s neck. “I— you feel amazing, baby, better than— fuck, just amazing, I can’t—”</p><p>“Go on,” Luke says, and he clutches Ashton as tightly as he can to his own body, feeling himself be pushed closer and closer to the edge with each frantic thrust he’s given. “Come on, let go, want you to come, please…”</p><p>Ashton’s hands surge down to grab onto Luke’s hips. He’s trembling as he chases his climax, setting a furious pace that moves them further and further up on the bed until Luke has to brace himself against the headboard to keep his head from slamming into it. The hold Ashton has on Luke’s hips when he comes with a raspy moan is sure to leave bruises, and while it hurts, Luke finds nothing but pleasure in it. He feels everything Ashton’s feeling; the shudders, the jolts of ecstasy, every drop of sweat, every desperate touch, and it’s making him let out a whimpering groan. As soon as Ashton has caught his breath, he sits up between Luke’s legs and replaces his softening dick with two fingers before he wraps his fingers around Luke and starts jerking him in time with quick, hard jabs of his fingers.</p><p>Luke lies back, completely boneless and lets himself be taken care of, lips parted on a continuous stream of small, needy sounds that he can’t help. He doesn’t last more than half a minute or so before he falls over the edge, arching his back up from the mattress and grinding down against Ashton’s fingers as he comes harder than he has in a very, very long time, sobbing with it until tears are springing from his eyes.</p><p>“Okay, okay,” he gasps when it gets to be too much, pulling Ashton’s hand off him by the wrist. “That’s— yeah. Okay.”</p><p>Letting go and carefully pulling his fingers out, Ashton wipes his hands on the sheets before he flops over to lie on his back. Luke closes his eyes, breathing heavily as Ashton removes and ties the condom, tossing it in the trash can in the corner of the room.</p><p>“Alright?” Ashton mumbles.</p><p>Luke nods before he opens his eyes and lolls his head to the side to look at Ashton. “Perfect. You?”</p><p>“Ego’s a little bruised, but otherwise… yeah, perfect.”</p><p>A smile finds its way to Luke’s face, and he sits up, lazily throwing a leg over Ashton’s waist to straddle him. “At least you didn’t come in your pants, right?” he says, peering down at Ashton’s flushed cheeks and glassy eyes, the easy upwards tilt of his lips.</p><p>“That I didn’t,” Ashton agrees as he presses his hands flat against the expanse of Luke’s thighs. After a few seconds of looking at each other in silence, he adds, “So… that wasn’t your first time?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, no, I lied. I hadn’t taken anything up there until just now and didn't wanna inform you about it before I let you stick it to me. It just seemed like a fun and reasonable thing to lie about, you know?”</p><p>“Don’t be a dick,” Ashton says, rolling his eyes.</p><p>Luke smiles faintly. “Yeah, no, there... were a few times. A guy. During the North American leg of the Where We Are-tour.”</p><p>Ashton cocks his head to the side, a pensive wrinkle forming on his forehead. It smooths out quite suddenly after a couple of seconds, though, and in its place comes a knowing smirk. “The stage hand you used to hang out with,” he says. “The tall one with the black hair, dark eyes. Wasn’t he, like… thirty while you were fifteen?”</p><p>“He was twenty-one and I was eighteen, you dick,” Luke laughs. “But… him, yeah. He was sweet. Patient. And as far as I know, he hasn’t blabbed to anyone either. I haven’t since then, though, so it’s been a while. What about you?”</p><p>“Not really,” Ashton says. “I mean, I’ve done the whole anal-thing before, but not with a guy. Got a blowjob from a bloke at a party a couple of years back, jerked him off afterwards, but that’s it.”</p><p>Luke nods. “So… what does that make you?”</p><p>“A guy who knows how to appreciate a nice mouth on his dick and a nice dick in his hand?”</p><p>Rolling off Ashton, lying down on his side, Luke buries his face in Ashton’s neck as he laughs. “That’s profound. You and your way with words.”</p><p>“The gift that never stops giving,” Ashton says. “One day when I’m six feet under, my tombstone will have my words of wisdom written on it.”</p><p>“Cheerful topic. Wanna discuss the flower arrangements as well?”</p><p>“All red flowers, but no roses. And make sure a re-written version of <i>She Looks So Perfect</i> plays when they lower me down, like… <i>He looks so perfect lying there, while everyone else is in despair.</i>”</p><p>“Oh my God,” Luke laughs, slightly muffled against Ashton’s skin. “Sounds like a beautiful ceremony.”</p><p>“Doesn’t it?”</p><p>“Hm, not to mention completely inappropriate and tacky. All in all very befitting your persona.”</p><p>They fall into a comfortable silence after that. Luke traces mindless patterns on Ashton’s chest as it rises and falls steadily, and the weight of the day is slowly starting to pull him towards sleep.</p><p>“So… the bed in your old bedroom is all made up, fresh sheets and all.”</p><p>"What?" Luke asks with a sleepy chuckle. </p><p>“Your old bed, it’s all made up.”</p><p>"You want me to go?" There's no response, and the silence is loud enough to drag Luke back into reality. Sitting up, he blinks at the mattress. "You want me to go," he repeats, but it’s not a question this time.</p><p>“Not go,” Ashton says quickly. “I just…”</p><p>“You just don’t want me <i>here</i> either,” Luke finishes after a moment of silence. The words come out hollow, an unforgiving echo of how he’s feeling on the inside, and it’s inadvertently making him wince. The speed at which he’s gone from feeling tired and sated and oh so happy, to completely lost almost is making his head spin. Swinging his legs down to the floor, he ignores the sharp pain that shoots from the bottom of his spine as he stands up and starts gathering his clothes from the floor.</p><p>“You don’t have to get dressed to go down the hall,” Ashton remarks from where he’s still sitting on the bed.</p><p>“No, I know, but... I think I’ll just… you know, go home,” Luke says, pulling on his boxers. He’s finished getting dressed and is checking his hair in the mirror on the closet when Ashton speaks again.</p><p>“You don’t have to go home, Luke,” he says quietly. “I don’t wanna kick you out.”</p><p>“You kinda already did,” Luke says. Tucking a curly strand of hair behind his ear, he turns around and looks at Ashton for the first time in several minutes. He looks rumpled and beautiful, his hair messy and his skin flushed, a loose and relaxed look in his eyes, and Luke quickly diverts his gaze to the floor; he’s not sure how long he can stand to look at Ashton before the urge to crawl back into bed with him becomes too strong.</p><p>“No, I just said that your old bed is ready to be used.”</p><p>“And by saying that, you indirectly told me to leave,” Luke says.</p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that. You know about my whole thing with sharing a bed with anyone I have… more than a friendly connection with.”</p><p>“What thing?”</p><p>“My <i>thing</i>. It came up in conversation one night, remember? It was on the bus, we were drinking after a show or something.”</p><p>Luke frowns as he tries to recall the situation Ashton’s talking about. It takes him a solid ten seconds or so, but then a memory from a couple of years ago breaches the surface of his mind. </p><p>He remembers sitting in the back lounge of the tour bus with Ashton, Calum and Michael; all of them were a fair few drinks down, and Ashton was trying to explain his one night stand-policy to the rest of them. He insisted that he wasn’t some cold, cynical, heartless asshole, that he was more than happy to engage in cuddling and pillowtalk after he and his partner were both satisfied (“Satisfied,” Luke remembers Calum giggling. “Silly word...”), but that he didn’t want to actually <i>sleep</i> with said partner and wake up with them in the morning. When Michael demanded to know why, Ashton said that he wanted to save that particular act for someone he cared about beyond the connection shared over a single night together.</p><p>Despite being fully clothed, Luke feels utterly exposed and bare as he recalls the conversation, and his brain scrambles to connect the dots. His chest feels tight with unwelcome emotions as he nods.</p><p>“Right, yeah,” he says eventually. “Because… what we just did was a one-off? And you don’t wanna actually spend the night with a one-off, because… yeah. Right.”</p><p>“I… no, that’s not it, Luke, not at all,” Ashton says, and he sounds almost pleading. “We just haven’t talked about any of this and it’s been so long since I—”</p><p>“No, it’s fine, it’s fine,” Luke says, plastering on a smile that must come off incredibly forced judging by how Ashton visibly winces when he takes it in. “I guess I just thought that… I don’t know, that there was enough going on here to at least warrant— no, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I’ll call an Uber and get out of your hair, don’t worry about it.”</p><p>Offering Ashton another forced smile, Luke turns around and heads towards the door, his heart beating loudly and painfully against his ribcage in time with his steps.</p><p>“You’re upset,” Ashton says when Luke’s reached the door and has one hand on the handle. “You’re hurt.”</p><p>“You’d be hurting, too, if you just took it up the ass,” Luke says with a humourless laugh, not bothering to turn back around. “Tends to leave a bit of a sting.”</p><p>“Luke…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I don’t want you to leave, especially not if it’s because you feel like you have to.” When Luke doesn’t respond, Ashton sighs deeply. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a dick, I just… we haven’t talked about what this is, and I have this whole thing about bed-sharing, and it’s just…” He trails off with a sigh. “We haven’t talked about it.” </p><p>“Could’ve thought of that <i>before</i> we fucked, don’t you think?” Luke asks.</p><p>“I didn’t think it’d matter,” Ashton says softly.</p><p>“You didn’t think it’d matter,” Luke repeats. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tilts his head forward and huffs. “After everything that’s happened, everything we’ve been through together, not just over the few months, but over the last few <i>years</i>, you thought it’d be totally fine and unproblematic for us to fuck just <i>one time</i> and then send me on my way, and then tomorrow we’d just go back to being best friends and bandmates? Really, Ash? I know you’re a little emotionally constipated when it comes to these things, but <i>really?</i>”</p><p>“I didn’t think about it at all, Luke,” Ashton says, and he’s starting to sound frustrated, though it’s unclear whether it’s with himself, with Luke or with the situation as a whole. “I just knew that I wanted you and—”</p><p>“What, you wanted me, but just for however long it’d take for us to get off? You wanted to get laid and I happened to be the first and best willing alternative, so you went for it without a second thought?”</p><p>Ashton groans softly. “Jesus Christ, of course that’s not it and you know it, so will you stop with the dramatics and the defensive attitude?”</p><p>“How can I?” Luke snaps as he spins around and locks eyes with Ashton. “We’ve been up and down and all around together for the last year or so, it feels like we’ve been dancing around <i>something</i> more than friendship since before I moved back home, and just when I think it’s <i>finally</i> going somewhere, you tell me that, ‘<i>Oh, hey, thanks for the sex, Luke, bye now</i>’! How the hell do you expect me to <i>not</i> get defensive?!”</p><p>“You might find it easier if you weren’t so hellbent on putting words in my mouth!” Ashton says as he stands up and grabs a pair of trackies from the floor, putting them on swiftly. “I never said any of that — you <i>know</i> you’re not just another notch on my bedpost or whatever it is you’re trying to imply!”</p><p>“Yeah? You’ve got a real fucking funny way of showing it!”</p><p>“I don’t want you to <i>leave</i>, Luke, and I never said I did, that was you drawing your own fucked up conclusions as per usual!”</p><p>“Because telling me to go sleep in the guest bedroom after we fuck is so much better?!”</p><p>“Of course it is! I don’t want you gone in the morning, I wanna kiss you when we wake up and make you breakfast and watch the morning news with you and for us to take a shower together and— anything you want!”</p><p>“I don't need you to woo me, Ash! All I wanted was to sleep next to you!”</p><p>“And I don’t know how to do that! Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I last slept next to someone who wasn’t just a friend?”</p><p>“No, I don’t! Feel free to tell me!”</p><p>“Five years, Luke! Five fucking years!”</p><p>Luke blinks. Slowly, but surely he feels his anger, his frustration, all the hurt that’s coursing through him, seep out and gather in a pond by his feet. Ashton’s eyes are on fire, not only with fury, but also with desperation and sadness, and his breath comes and goes in strangled heaves, as if the air is struggling to get past the emotions he’s battling.</p><p>“But… what about Bryana?” Luke asks after a bit. “You dated for… I don’t know, a year, and that was only two years ago.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, we never slept in the same bed.”</p><p>“What about… one night stands? What, you just kick them out the moment you’re done?”</p><p>“No, I’ve always… I always made sure they knew what the deal was before I took them home. Or went home with them.”</p><p>Luke drags his hands over his face. “I don’t… how the hell does that even happen? What is it with you and bed sharing? I really don’t get it.”</p><p>Ashton shakes his head as he steps backwards to sit on the edge of the bed. “It’s something I got in my head when the band first took off and all these people were throwing themselves at us,” he says, elbows perched on his thighs. “You remember how none of us exactly shied away from taking advantage of the attention for a little while there, how overwhelming it was, and it was fun and all, but waking up to a new face all the time was seriously starting to mess with my head and I just… I needed to put an end to it.”</p><p>Sitting down next to Ashton, Luke sighs. “That was years ago, though. You’ve long since calmed down on the one night stand-front, we all have, so I don’t see why it would be so terrible to—”</p><p>“It’s not about that anymore,” Ashton cuts in. “Of course I care about you, so it’s not… that. I need some time to readjust to the idea, is all.”</p><p>“Because you’re not readjusted as of right now,” Luke says quietly. “It’s only been a couple of weeks since we shared a bed, but… you can’t do it now, because we fucked.”</p><p>“It doesn’t have anything to do with you, Luke,” Ashton says. “In this case it really isn’t you, it’s me. Me and my thought process.”</p><p>No longer angry, but more deflated and tired than ever, Luke stands up again and straightens his jeans. “Sure, yeah. Okay.”</p><p>“But please don’t go home unless you actually want to. I really do want you here in the morning.”</p><p>A part of Luke wants to snap at Ashton again, to tell him that if he wants to see Luke in the morning, they can damn well sleep in the same bed. But Ashton looks drained and he’s wearing a pleading expression that makes Luke’s heart ache just the slightest bit, and he lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment before he nods.</p><p>“Fine,” he says tiredly. “Fine. I’ll go sleep in the guest bedroom.”</p><p>Ashton smiles weakly as he stands up and pulls Luke in by the hips for a kiss. “Thank you,” he mumbles. “We have to have a proper talk soon, though. About this thing, whatever it is.”</p><p>“I know we do,” Luke says. </p><p>“But maybe not right now.” </p><p>“No, it’s late and it’s been a long day, so... another day,” Luke agrees before a yawn forces its way out of his mouth, as if on cue. He leans the side of his head against Ashton’s, breathes in deeply. “I’m not happy about this, just so you know.”</p><p>“I know, and I really am sorry, but I’m gonna work on it, if you’re willing to give me some time.”</p><p>Though halfheartedly, Luke shrugs and smiles. “I’ve been wanting… well, <i>this</i>—” He gestures to the bed, then to Ashton “—for… a long time, so… sure.” He pulls back and presses his lips to Ashton’s briefly. “I’m gonna go to bed now, though, before I fall asleep standing on my feet.”</p><p>“Alright,” Ashton says, giving Luke yet another kiss. “See you tomorrow, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke says. He steps back, releasing himself from Ashton’s grip and offers a last smile before he turns around and walks out of the room, down the hallway and into the bedroom he still thinks of as his own, even if it hasn’t been his in a few months. Stripping out of his clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor, he hits the lights before slipping in under the covers. They smell just like they’re supposed to, like warmth and comfort and safety, and Luke starts drifting off almost immediately. The last coherent thought that passes through his mind before he blacks out is that he’s glad he didn’t go home, because at least he knows Ashton’s only a couple of rooms down the hall, if not only a foot away.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Part 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, again! Is it just me or do the weeks fly by at the moment? I could’ve sworn I just updated this fic, and yet here we are again😌 Today's update came a little earlier in the day (again) because I'm going to work soon and won't be home until late (again), so there you have it!</p>
<p>Okay, so I actually have a question I wanna ask you all! I don’t know if any of you follow me on Tumblr, but after Ashton’s IG rundown of <i>Calm</i> last Friday, I was… let’s say very inspired to start seriously planning a potential sequel to TW, set to the <i>Calm</i>-era. I’ve planned a fair bit, dragged in a fair few real life moments, and the plot is all good to go, <i>but</i> before I get too far into the actual writing process, I wanted to ask if any of you have any real life elements (onstage moments, interviews, Tweets/IG posts, you name it) from the <i>Calm</i>-era (roughly March 2019–May 2020) that you’d like to see incorporated into the plot in one way or another? Or maybe just something you’ve missed in TW that you’d like to see/see more of in a potential sequel? I don’t ask this for plotting purposes, because the plot is, like I said, all done and ready to go, but… I don’t know, let’s call it some sort of request system, except for a blurb or a one shot, what you’re requesting is a scene/part of a scene in a chaptered fic? Something like that? If you do, let me know in a comment here, send me an ask on <a href="http://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/ask">Tumblr</a> or hmu in the Tumblr chat!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, April 30th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>The first thing that grabs Luke’s attention when he wakes up is the pain in his ass and lower back. Then he drags a hand through his hair and grimaces violently at how greasy it is. Rubbing his eyes, he swallows a yawn as he gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom. He can hear the TV in the lounge, and a faint smell of coffee is hanging in the air. Knowing that Ashton’s up and that there’s coffee available motivates Luke to shower as quickly as he can possibly manage, and his hair’s still slightly too wet for comfort when he pads down the hall and into Ashton’s bedroom to dig out a change of clothes. Finding underwear, socks and a t-shirt in the closet, he grabs the pyjama pants Ashton found for him last night from the floor and puts it all on before he heads to the kitchen.<p>Ashton looks up from where he’s busy whisking what looks like eggs in a bowl, and his face splits into a wide smile when he lays eyes on Luke. Putting the whisk down, he holds his arms open and waits for Luke to step into them before he folds them tightly around his shoulders.</p>
<p>“Morning,” Ashton says, spinning them around slowly until Luke’s back is against the kitchen counter.</p>
<p>Flattening his hands against the small of Ashton’s back, Luke smiles as he leans the side of his head against Ashton’s. “Didn’t peg you for a clingy type of morning person,” he says.</p>
<p>Ashton combs through Luke’s damp hair, humming softly before he mumbles, “Missed you.”</p>
<p>“Whose fault is that?” Luke asks before he can stop himself. He feels Ashton stiffen slightly against him, and he sighs. “Sorry.”</p>
<p>Drawing back to look Luke in the eyes, Ashton offers a tiny, slightly sad smile. “I told you I’d work on it, but it’s not done overnight.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, no, I know,” Luke says as he cups Ashton’s face with one hand, feels the hint of stubble, the sharp angle of his jaw. Leaning in until their lips are brushing against each other, he mumbles, “I’m sorry,” before capturing Ashton’s bottom lip between his own.</p>
<p>It’s one of the beautiful aspects of a new non-platonic relationship, Luke thinks, how anything and everything can be solved with kisses and touches, and how something as simple as a kiss good morning is enough to leave both parties desperate for more. He’s more than happy to let himself fall into kisses that grow deeper and needier by each passing second, tugging Ashton closer, breathing heavily through his nose. It seems that Ashton’s forgotten all about breakfast as he slips his hands below the waistline of Luke’s pyjama pants, grabbing a firm hold of his ass to pull them flush together. </p>
<p>Letting their lips separate, Luke pushes forward against Ashton, grunting quietly when his half-hard dick makes contact with Ashton’s. He tips his head forward and bites carefully at the juncture between Ashton’s neck and shoulder, licks over the spot once before drawing back.</p>
<p>“Do you wanna move this somewhere more—”</p>
<p>“Nope.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Luke half-pants, half-laughs. “Don’t know if I’d have slept with you in the first place if I knew that kitchen sex was gonna follow, but… okay.” In complete contradiction to his own admittedly untrue words, he lets himself be spun around and pushed over the kitchen counter. He braces himself against the countertop and lets Ashton pull down his trackies, which fall down to pool around his ankles.</p>
<p>“Well, what do you know?” Ashton murmurs as he kneads the soft flesh on Luke’s ass. “Looks just as good in daylight as in the dark.”</p>
<p>Luke laughs breathlessly. “You’ve seen it before, in all kinds of different lighting.”</p>
<p>“Was never in a position where I could ogle it, was I?” Ashton asks, kissing the back of Luke’s neck briefly before he sinks to his knees and closes his teeth around a spot on Luke’s right cheek, then adds, “Not that I knew I’d ever want to either, for that matter.”</p>
<p>“What are you planning on doing down there, anyway?” Luke asks. His breath hitches when Ashton bites down again, this time a little harder.</p>
<p>“Oh, you know, I was just gonna enjoy the view,” Ashton says easily. He places his hands on either side of Luke’s ass to spread the cheeks apart, and before Luke can utter another word, Ashton leans in and licks over his hole.</p>
<p>“Jesus!” Luke all but shouts as the sensation snaps through his entire body, and he loses his grip on the counter, collapsing onto his elbows. He buries his face in his lower arm, reaching between his legs to grab a hold of his dick as Ashton gives another lick. Swearing under his breath, he says, “Warn a guy, will you?”</p>
<p>Drawing back an inch, Ashton asks, “What would be the fun in that?” before he dives back in.</p>
<p>Luke moans softly, can’t quite help it when he pushes back against Ashton’s face, silently urging him to carry on. “This has to be some type of hygienic disaster. You do remember that you eat in here, right?” The question is immediately followed by a whimper when Ashton dips his tongue inside for a split second.</p>
<p>“Indeed I do,” Ashton mumbles, and it sounds like he’s smirking. “Want me to stop?”</p>
<p>“Don’t you fucking dare.”</p>
<p>Ashton, thankfully, doesn’t argue before he gets back at it. Flattening his tongue, he licks a long stripe from Luke’s perineum and up to his hole, where he stops and flicks his tongue once, twice, thrice. It feels incredibly filthy, not just to be doing this at all, but to be doing it in the <i>kitchen</i> of all places, with his t-shirt still on and his pants around his ankles. A gust of heat floods over Luke at the mental image of how the scene must look to anyone who is to walk in, and he squeezes his fingers around the base of his cock for a moment before he starts jerking himself in time with Ashton’s licks.</p>
<p>Luke’s communication skills are reduced to a mixture of gasps and moans within a couple of minutes. Every so often, Ashton pulls back for air and he grunts a little with each exhale. Spreading Luke’s cheeks as far apart as possible, he slowly works his tongue inside, stilling for a split second when he’s as far in as physically possible, then starts fucking into Luke with a level of expertise that drags a high, strangled groan from Luke’s throat.</p>
<p>“Jesus <i>Christ</i>,” he moans as he strokes himself faster. “I’m— I’m gonna come all over the fucking counter if you— <i>fuck</i>— keep that up.”</p>
<p>Ashton’s only response is to drag his tongue over Luke’s rim once before he resumes to fucking his tongue in and out at a steady pace. Luke can feel his thighs tremble with the effort of keeping himself standing up, and he has half a mind to simply allow himself to collapse down on all fours. He’s so fucking close, though, and he starts rocking back on Ashton’s tongue as he tightens his grip on his own dick, his breathing becoming more staccato by the second while his moans grow louder and more desperate.</p>
<p>Digging his fingers into Luke’s hips and ass, Ashton hums as he continues his assault, and the sound gives off vibrations that go straight to Luke’s dick. He cries out and collapses forward, his back arching sharply while his forehead hits the countertop with a dull thud. He grabs a hold of his own hair, tries to hold on a little longer, but it’s a futile attempt, and when Ashton’s hands tighten their hold to the point of pain, that’s it. He comes with a sharp, ragged moan, rocking desperately back against Ashton’s mouth, cum splattering all over his own hand and the countertop, and he has to fight to keep himself upright.</p>
<p>He has no idea how long it takes before he’s starting to come down from it, but when he does, he wipes his hand sloppily against his own t-shirt and mumbles, “God fucking damnit.”</p>
<p>Ashton chuckles curtly as he stands up, pulling Luke’s trackies up with him. “Good?” he asks, grabbing Luke’s waist and spinning him around carefully.</p>
<p>“No, I hated it, couldn’t you tell?” Luke snarks, and Ashton’s lips pull up in a grin before he captures Luke’s lips in a hard kiss. </p>
<p>Ashton grunts softly into it and presses his erection against Luke’s thigh, grinding forward in an attempt at getting some friction. Still a little loopy from his own orgasm, Luke pushes Ashton back, drops to his knees and pulls Ashton’s pyjama pants down with a firm yank that frees his erection. A high noise tears from Luke’s throat at the sight of it, rock hard and flushed deep red and leaking slightly.</p>
<p>Giving the head a firm lick, Luke looks up to meet Ashton’s gaze with a wide smile. “Either you’re <i>really</i> into eating people out or you’ll get turned on by literally anything.”</p>
<p>“I’m really into eating <i>you</i> out,” Ashton says as he threads his fingers through Luke’s hair and gives him a slight nudge forward in a silent, but obvious, <i>’Please, for the love of all that’s unholy, get on with it.’</i></p>
<p>“Good, because I want you to do it again, preferably soon,” Luke says before he gives in to the pressure on the back of his scalp and leans forward to take the head of Ashton’s cock into his mouth. Ashton’s hold on his hair immediately tightens when Luke tightens his jaw a little and starts sucking, and he groans quietly. Steading himself with a grip on Ashton’s ass, Luke sinks down slowly, inch by inch, until he’s unable to take any more. He flattens his tongue against the underside of Ashton’s dick as he moves back, then takes it back in, and Ashton’s hips snap forward so suddenly that Luke chokes and has to pull off completely.</p>
<p>“‘S been a while since I’ve done this, so go a little easy if you’re gonna do that,” Luke says, blinking up at Ashton for a moment before he starts up again.</p>
<p>“So, I can do it?” Ashton asks, a little breathless. </p>
<p>Luke hums in confirmation, and Ashton doesn’t waste as much as a second before he starts thrusting shallowly into Luke’s mouth, all the while keeping his fingers tangled in Luke’s hair. Though Ashton doesn’t say it, Luke can tell he’s not going to last; he’s too hard, the noises he releases a little too raspy, his thrusts too frantic. Pressing his tongue against the underside of Ashton’s dick, he starts sucking a little harder, and the response is instant.</p>
<p>“Just like that,” Ashton pants, reaching back to steady himself against the kitchen counter while keeping a firm hold on Luke’s hair with his other hand. “Shit, just continue like that, you’re gonna make me come so fucking hard.”</p>
<p>Clutching onto Ashton’s hips a little tighter, Luke takes a moment to steel himself before he takes in another inch. It’s a stretch, but he manages to keep himself from choking as he uses his grip on Ashton’s hips to guide him in and out at a steady, but quick pace. He knows Ashton’s getting close when his grunts start coming out closer together and his thighs start trembling ever so slightly under Luke’s firm grip.</p>
<p>“Pull off, baby, I’m gonna come,” he groans, yanking at Luke’s hair to make him comply. </p>
<p>Luke does pull off, but he doesn’t move from his spot on the floor when Ashton starts stroking himself with a firm grip. He looks up at Ashton’s face and whines a little when he sees the way in which Ashton’s looking down at him, all dark, hooded eyes and parted lips as he brings himself closer and closer to orgasm.</p>
<p>“Please, come on my face,” Luke says before he can think twice about it. </p>
<p>Ashton’s eyes widen for a fraction of a second before they flutter shut and he manages to direct his cock towards Luke’s cheek just as he starts to come with a strangled, “Fuck, Luke…” Luke closes his eyes as cum splatters his cheek and chin, a couple of drops landing on his bottom lip, and he whimpers in response to Ashton’s raspy moans.</p>
<p>Luke remains where he is, eyes closed, until he both hears and feels Ashton take an unsteady step backwards to lean against the counter. Blinking rapidly to get his eyes reacquainted with the light, he licks his lips, catching some of the cum, and swallows it down as he raises his gaze to look at Ashton, who’s just pulled his pants back up. With a somewhat nervous grin, he staggers to his feet, wincing at the dull ache in his knees and stiffness in his calves, and drags his thumb through the mess on his cheek and chin.</p>
<p>“You are… unreal,” Ashton says as he watches Luke lap at his own thumb. “Is that a thing for you, or…?”</p>
<p>“What part?” Luke asks as he flicks a drop of cum from the side of his nose.</p>
<p>Ashton raises an amused eyebrow. “The part where you asked me to come on your face.”</p>
<p>Luke snorts. “Oh, no, you’re one of those people who want to <i>talk</i> about the sex you just had as soon as it’s over?”</p>
<p>“How does that come as a surprise?” Ashton asks as he takes a step forward and winds his arms around Luke’s lower back. “I asked you questions last night, too.”</p>
<p>Resting his hands on Ashton’s shoulders, Luke rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but those were more, like, directly related to… whatever.”</p>
<p>“Hey, talking about sex with a new partner is important,” Ashton admonishes. “It’s how you learn stuff about each other’s preferences.”</p>
<p>“Or, you can just try out different things and see what does it for the other person and not.”</p>
<p>“<i>Or</i>, you can stop acting like the concept of sex embarrasses you, and instead just answer the question.”</p>
<p>“Maybe I <i>am</i> embarrassed,” Luke challenges.</p>
<p>“Should’ve thought of that before you went all porn star on me,” Ashton says. “Too late to be embarrassed now, baby.”</p>
<p>Luke blows a raspberry. “Okay, here’s a question for you, then: Do you get off on calling whoever you’re having sex with ‘baby’?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I do, as long as they’re cool with it,” Ashton says without missing a beat. “Anything else or can you answer my question now?”</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ,” Luke grumbles. “I don’t know if it’s a thing, alright? It was spur of the moment and it was the first time I’ve ever done it, so… draw your own conclusions.”</p>
<p>“I popped your facial-cherry?” Ashton grins. “Nice.”</p>
<p>“You popped my ‘tongue in ass’-cherry, too, if you’d like to know.”</p>
<p>Ashton sniggers. “‘Tongue in ass’-cherry. How sexy a term is that?” Luke merely gives an unimpressed scowl in response, and Ashton hums. “Alright, we can stop talking about it now.”</p>
<p>“Thanks.”</p>
<p>“Hm. We have about five thousand other things we should talk about, though.”</p>
<p>Luke makes a displeased face. “Right now? I’m tired and I’ve got jizz all over me and…” He trails off, shrugs his shoulders slightly. “Unless you think this was just… I don’t know, some temporary fun, can’t it wait for a little while?”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t just some temporary fun,” Ashton says with a slight shake of his head. “Unless you want it to be, that is.”</p>
<p>“Obviously not,” Luke says. “Have you already forgotten that whole… spat we had last night?”</p>
<p>“Obviously not,” Ashton echoes, lips turning up in a crooked smile.</p>
<p>Luke nods. “Okay, so… I think I made it pretty clear that I don’t want this, <i>us</i>, to be something fleeting, so can we just leave it at that, at least for a few days? Please?”</p>
<p>“Leave it at what?” Ashton asks, his thumb rubbing slow circles against Luke’s back. “At literally nothing at all?”</p>
<p>“No, at… you know, we like each other and we’re gonna have a proper talk about it, but… not immediately.” Luke presses his lips together at the frown Ashton’s directing at him, darts his gaze to the floor for a moment before he continues. “Please, Ash? I don’t know about you, but I’ve waited for a really long time for some… development here, so can we just relax and have fun and… enjoy it for a little bit before we dive into the difficult shit? Not for too long, I know we have to deal with it, I <i>want</i> to deal with it, but... please?”</p>
<p>Ashton regards Luke for a bit before the frown smooths out and is replaced by a faint smile. “Okay, sure. For a little while. Since you said please, about five million times.”</p>
<p>Bowing his head to let it rest on Ashton’s shoulder, Luke laughs. “You know me, I’m a polite boy.”</p>
<p>“The most polite,” Ashton mumbles into his ear, pressing a gentle kiss to the lobe. “And sweet. Funny. Kind. A great shag, as it turns out.”</p>
<p>“Yup, that’s me in a nutshell, you nailed it.”</p>
<p>“Nailed <i>it</i>, nailed <i>you</i>… lots of nailing happening around here.”</p>
<p>While he’d quite like to tell Ashton off for the god awful joke, Luke instead falls victim to the wave of fondness that floods every crevice of his being. They neither speak nor move for a long time after that, instead just standing there, dishevelled and a little disgusting, with their arms around each other. Though Luke doesn’t know what’s going on in Ashton’s head, his own head is pleasantly void of all thoughts for once. There’s only a soft thrum of contentment dancing around in delicate circles, and while he knows it’ll have to be banished in favour of something more real, hopefully more lasting, sooner or later, he’ll cherish it for the time being.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Wednesday, May 2nd 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Luke and Ashton had a plan.<p>A fine, well thought-out plan that they were both eager to see put into action since the moment they made it right before the show. They were going to tell Calum and Michael they were tired if any sort of gathering was initiated, and the moment all hotel room doors were closed, Ashton would grab a change of clothes and head to Luke’s room. What was going to happen after that wasn’t planned, but Luke was hoping for some variation of shower sex, then order something from room service and eat it while watching something braindead on his laptop, then making out lazily until they were ready for round two.</p>
<p>Any and all hopes Luke has go down the drain approximately five minutes after they’ve all bid each other goodnight and he’s set foot into his hotel room and let the door slam shut. He’s crouched down on the floor in front of his bag, having just found his bottle of lube and a couple of condoms and placed them on the nightstand, and is busy searching for clean clothes when there’s a sharp knock on the door. Straightening up, wincing at the soreness from the show that has started to settle in, he pads over the door, unlocks it and swings it open.</p>
<p>The smile he's wearing falters when he lays eyes on Michael, and while he tries to pick it back up immediately, it’s not fast enough.</p>
<p>Michael grins. “What’s with the face? Were you expecting someone else?”</p>
<p>“No, I just didn’t… no, it’s nothing,” Luke says with a slightly strangled chuckle. “What’s up?”</p>
<p>Michael stuffs his hands into the pockets of his trackies and shrugs. “Thought we could hang out, it’s been ages since we have, just the two of us.”</p>
<p>Luke blinks. “Oh,” he says. It’s all he can think to say, because Michael isn’t lying or exaggerating; it <i>has</i> been ages since the two of them hung out together alone.</p>
<p>“What?” Michael asks, shoulders hunching a little. “We don’t have to or anything, but I figured tonight was as good a time as any.”</p>
<p>A part of Luke wants to curl up on the ground and scream. Of course Michael would see tonight as a good opportunity; they’re finishing up a leg of the tour and they have three weeks off from playing shows starting tomorrow, which Michael will spend with Crystal and his family. Michael doesn’t know that Luke had other plans tonight that he’s rather desperate to tend to, because how could he? As he looks at Michael’s slightly droopy eyes and lax smile and his hair, which is damp from the shower he took at the venue while the other three hung out in the dressing room, Luke realises he doesn’t have the heart to turn him away.</p>
<p>“Yeah, we can hang, just… I was just texting mum when you got here,” he says as he scrambles to grab his phone from his pocket. “I’m just gonna… yeah, text her. Come in.” While Michael enters the room and gets comfortable on the bed, Luke types out a text to Ashton as quickly as he can.</p>
<p>
  <i>’michael came over, wanted to hang, didn’t wanna say no :(‘</i>
</p>
<p>“I’m gonna grab a shower,” he tells Michael as he opens the bathroom door. “My laptop’s in the bag, see if you can get the WiFi up and running so we can Netflix something?”</p>
<p>“Yup,” Michael grunts, leaning off the edge of the bed to grab Luke’s laptop where it’s sticking out from his bag. “You hungry? Want me to order something from room service?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, please, see if they have crinkle-cut fries and if they do, get me two servings and extra ketchup.”</p>
<p>Luke has locked the door, stripped naked and gotten the shower running when his phone vibrates with an incoming text.</p>
<p>
  <i>’no for real?? can i at least come over and hang? wanted to see you…’</i>
</p>
<p>Smiling weakly, Luke considers the question before he responds. <i>’seemed like he wanted to hang out just the two of us, sorry‘</i></p>
<p>
  <i>’yeah alright, maybe i’ll hit up cal in a bit then. send a pic of your face at least? i miss it :(‘</i>
</p>
<p>Luke waits until he’s gotten in the shower and his hair is foamed up from the shampoo before he grabs his phone from the sink and takes a selfie from an entirely unflattering angle and texts it to Ashton. It’s not until he’s dried himself off and tied the towel around his waist that he checks his phone again, and he has to choke back a laugh at the equally unflattering selfie Ashton has sent him in return. Unflattering or not, Luke stands in the middle of the fogged up bathroom for a solid minute just to smile at the picture before he grabs his dirty clothes from the floor and opens the door.</p>
<p>“They didn’t have crinkle-cut fries, but they had regular, so I ordered that,” Michael says the moment Luke is in his line of vision. “I also ordered chocolate cake. And apple pie. And club sandwiches.”</p>
<p>“You’re my favourite person in the world right now,” Luke says distractedly as he finds underwear, pyjama pants and a thin sweater. Standing up, he drops the towel to the floor and gets dressed quickly before he sits down next to Michael on the bed. Michael has managed to get the laptop connected to the hotel WiFi, and he has season fourteen of <i>Family Guy</i> ready to play. </p>
<p>The laptop is placed neatly between them, by their knees, and Luke has a hand on the space bar, ready to press play when Michael flicks his shoulder, effectively stopping him. Turning his head to look at Michael, Luke quirks an eyebrow, but Michael doesn’t say anything until Luke has sat back and has his back leaned against the bed’s headboard.</p>
<p>“So… who were you expecting tonight?”</p>
<p>Luke blinks, his heartbeat speeding up a little. “What?”</p>
<p>Dipping his head to the side, Michael presses his lips together on a slight smile. “There’s lube and condoms on your nightstand, Luke. The lube’s one thing, but unless you get off on putting condoms on yourself, I’m missing something here.”</p>
<p>Luke’s brain scrambles to compile a solid lie so fast it gives him a slight headache. Fisting at the sheets underneath him to dry his palms, he clears his throat. “It’s just… I know someone here and it’s— I mean, I haven’t… it’s been a while since I— you know, so I thought… since we have tomorrow off and all, I hit him up earlier today and he— yeah. It’s nothing. Just… casual stuff.”</p>
<p>Michael’s eyes have grown wide by the time Luke closes his mouth, and he nods slowly. “Okay,” he says. “Why didn’t you just say that, then? I would’ve gone to Ash or Cal instead if I knew you had plans that involved getting laid.”</p>
<p>“No, I… I wanted to hang out with you,” Luke says. At least <i>that’s</i> not a lie. “You’re right, it’s been ages since we hung out, just the two of us, so… don’t worry.”</p>
<p>“Well, yeah, but it’s been even longer since you got laid, hasn't it?"</p>
<p>Luke hates everything about the situation he’s currently stuck in. He hates that he has to lie to Michael so directly and he hates the fact that Michael is completely oblivious to an entire side of his life even more. But he can’t do anything about it, not here and now; for the time being, he’s forced to keep his mouth shut about the reality of his love life, and he truly hates it. It feels wrong.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” he says. “Can we just watch some cartoons while we wait for the food?”</p>
<p>Michael doesn’t say anything. Tapping his finger on the spacebar, he gets comfortable against the large pillow behind his back, and they fall into silence while they watch Stewie and Brian work through ADHD medication and Peter and Quagmire do their worst on a cooking show. The second episode is a few minutes in when their food arrives, and then there’s another long stretch of silence while they eat until there’s nothing but crumbs left. Luke may or may not lick the crumbs off his plates.</p>
<p>“Think I’ll just sleep here tonight,” Michael says, patting his stomach. “Doubt I’ll be able to move until tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t <i>that</i> much food,” Luke says. “I could’ve eaten more.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, because you’re a fucking bottomless pit,” Michael deadpans. “I can’t wait for the day when your metabolism starts slowing down and you can’t eat your own weight in food on a daily basis anymore.”</p>
<p>“What, ‘cause a slower metabolism would make me unable to eat however much I want or because I’d have to start worrying about my figure all of a sudden?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know if your metabolism has anything to do with how much you’re <i>able</i> to eat, so the latter, yeah.”</p>
<p>Slightly affronted, Luke scowls at Michael. “I’m pretty sure you’re wrong about the first point there, and… what makes you think I wouldn’t prioritize food over my figure?”</p>
<p>Quirking a challenging eyebrow, Michael folds his arms over his chest. “The fact that you’re vain and thrive when you’re complimented on your body. Or on anything, really.”</p>
<p>“I don’t—” Luke clamps his mouth shut and huffs. “Whatever.”</p>
<p>Michael sniggers, turning his attention back to the laptop. “Thought so.”</p>
<p>“Nothing wrong with liking compliments, is there?” Luke asks defensively. “It’s like… validation and stuff. It boosts my self-esteem and… makes me feel good.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Michael says without taking his eyes off the laptop. “It’s fine, you’re cute enough to get away with it.”</p>
<p>Luke grins. “Thanks.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome.”</p>
<p>“Keep them coming, please.”</p>
<p>“The compliments? No fucking way,” Michael says. “As one of your best friends, it’s my job to make sure your ego doesn’t get too inflated, and I think complimenting you too much less than, like, three hours after you had a bunch of fans screaming and crying at you would inevitably lead to a <i>very</i> inflated ego.”</p>
<p>Luke scoffs. “My ego can withstand quite a lot before it starts inflating.”</p>
<p>“Maybe, but I’d rather not test that theory,” Michael says, voice dragging a little as he stretches his arms over his head, making his back crack dully. “Lead singers being divas is such a fucking cliche, and I don’t wanna sit around and watch you become even more of a cliche than you already are. It’d be too sad.”</p>
<p>“But sitting around and watching me get fat wouldn’t be sad?”</p>
<p>“That in itself, no, but I guess it would be sad to watch you get all mopey because of it.”</p>
<p>“You could comfort me by paying me compliments,” Luke says. “It’d work out.”</p>
<p>“Sounds like a load of fun. Can’t wait.” A couple of beats of silence follow, but Michael is shifting around and his hands are fidgety. Luke has known Michael long enough to recognise his behaviour as an indicator that he’s about to say something that he’s not sure if he wants to or should say.</p>
<p>“Whatever it is, come out with it,” Luke says when the silence is starting to feel uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“Sometimes I hate how well you know me,” Michael says with a snort of laughter. “No, I’m just a little… curious about this guy who was supposed to come over. Or, like, maybe not him specifically, but that side of your life. You’ve been real quiet about it for a long time now.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I… there hasn’t been much to tell,” Luke says, eyeing Michael’s knee as he talks; it feels like the safest place to look. “Just trying to… you know, get back to it at my own pace. Or something.”</p>
<p>“I get it,” Michael says. “If you wanna get back on the horse, Crystal has a friend I think you’d like, though. Her name’s Inez, she’s, like, a couple of years older than you, works as a videographer. And she’s short. I know you like them short.”</p>
<p>In a perfect world, Luke could have taken the opportunity to poke a little fun at Ashton’s height, and he and Michael could have a laugh about it together. But for the second time in less than an hour, he’s slapped across the face with the reality of the situation he and Ashton are in, so all he can do is to make a mental note to share Michael’s off-handed comment with Ashton as soon as they’re alone.</p>
<p>“I don’t… I mean, thanks, but I don’t wanna date anyone right now,” is therefore all he says.</p>
<p>“You could at least meet up with her,” Michael reasons. “Just come over for dinner one day and I’ll have Crystal invite Inez and you can see if you hit it off. Couldn’t hurt, could it?”</p>
<p>Luke bites the inside of his cheek. “Thanks, but… no, not right now. Or anytime soon.”</p>
<p>“Alright, let me know if you change your mind.”</p>
<p>Despite knowing very well that he’s not going to change his mind, Luke mumbles, “Yeah, sure.”</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>☆.｡.:*:.｡.☆</p>
</div><p> </p>
<p>Michael and Calum fly directly home to Australia after Singapore, while Luke and Ashton choose to spend some time in LA before they fly out to Sydney. No one questions them, not even their parents, although Ashton tells Luke that his mum told him that Lauren and Harry were disappointed to find out they wouldn’t have Ashton home for more than a few days. He feels bad, he says, and Luke also feels a little bad on Ashton’s behalf, but the selfish part of him is struggling to feel <i>too</i> bad.</p>
<p>The thing is, they flew out to Singapore less than forty-eight hours after they at long last found each other on the same wavelength, not giving them nearly enough time to explore each other or any of the many new aspects of their relationship. It’s not <i>just</i> about the sex, but also about wanting to talk about all the things they’ve had to keep locked away in their own minds for however long. Luke wants to spend hours on end kissing Ashton on the couch, he wants to lie on a blanket on the ground in the backyard at night and talk about everything and nothing, he wants to spend full days in bed with Ashton, limbs entangled while they switch between fucking, talking and napping. He wants time alone with Ashton so he can give and take everything he’s wanted for several months, but hasn’t been granted access to until now.</p>
<p>Essentially, he’s turned into something akin to a lovesick teenager, and he doesn’t really mind at all.</p>
<p>So, yeah, Luke can’t bring himself to feel too bad about keeping Ashton to himself for a little while. Though it’s been months since he moved back home, he goes straight to Ashton’s place after relieving Sierra of her dog sitting duties, and he stays there for the remainder of the break. His house is fine, it won’t burn to the ground without supervision, but Luke thinks <i>he</i> might burn to the ground if he doesn’t get Ashton alone behind a closed door for more than one minute at the time.</p>
<p>They have a lot of sex.</p>
<p>Handjobs in the shower the day they get home, blowjobs in the backyard late one night, Luke riding Ashton on the lounge floor while they wait for their Thai food to be delivered one afternoon, Ashton dragging Luke to his bedroom the moment they’ve eaten breakfast to fuck him from behind while pulling at his hair, Luke returning to Ashton’s bedroom thirty minutes after he’s left it in favour of the guest bedroom late at night to see if Ashton is up for a round two. </p>
<p>The most memorable instance, in some ways, occurs when they’re on the couch one day, Luke in the middle of riding Ashton. His thigh muscles are aching and his cock is leaking and their breaths are mingling where their parted lips are brushing against each other. Luke is just about to wrap a hand around himself when the song on the playlist in the background changes, and he stops moving and pulls back to stare at Ashton.</p>
<p>“That’s… that’s not a song I ever wanted to hear while getting down and dirty with anyone,” he says.</p>
<p>“Well, maybe you should listen to what it says,” Ashton says, and he looks to be about two seconds away from bursting into laughter. “It’s telling you, ‘Don’t stop doing what you’re doing.’”</p>
<p>Luke scowls, but picks up where he left off, and despite it being a short song, they both finish before it’s over. It’s not Luke’s proudest moment.</p>
<p>It’s a satisfying existence, Luke thinks, one consisting of lazy conversations, good food, more sex than he’s ever had in such a short timespan, and nothing else. In the back of his mind, however, is the knowledge that their little bubble won’t last forever. As the days pass by and they’re getting closer to the day they’re leaving for Australia, he finds Ashton seemingly lost in thought more and more often. Luke isn’t necessarily worried, per say, but he’s positive that the thoughts Ashton keeps disappearing into are ones about how they still haven’t had a proper talk about what they’re doing, and it causes Luke a substantial amount of stress.</p>
<p>He’s not ready to start poking at their bubble yet, terrified that once they do, it’ll explode so violently that it will fling them so far away from each other that they won’t be able to find their way back. As long as they simply enjoy each other without forcing any sort of realistic factors onto themselves, they’ll be fine. They’ll be happy. </p>
<p>It’s superficial happiness, though, and Luke knows it will have to end sooner or later if he wants an actual future with Ashton.</p>
<p>And he does want a future with Ashton, he’s certain of that; that’s not what scares him, nor is it the idea of committing to Ashton. What scares him is everything that could go wrong the moment they get real about what they are, everything they’re putting on the line by getting involved with each other. Their friendship is one thing, but there’s also the band, which involves Calum and Michael as well. Luke doesn’t know how he’s supposed to be able to keep working alongside Ashton if things between them end, but he doesn’t think he’ll have much of a choice. </p>
<p>For him to pull out of the band over something that is his own fault and no one else’s would be a dick move of epic proportions, one he doesn’t think he’ll have in himself to make.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Wednesday, May 16th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>It shouldn’t come as a surprise that filming Cocktail Chats ends with all of them drunk — that was sort of the point. The fact that Ashton ends up inviting a few people over at some point between shooting his parts should come as even less of a surprise. Though unable to shake the slight feeling of concern that pushes through his own drunkenness as he watches Ashton down drink after drink, he chooses not to say anything; he promised Ashton all those months ago that he would stay out of the situation unless it became downright worrisome, and he intends to keep that promise.<p>“Can’t believe I flew from Sydney to LA just to get drunk on camera,” Calum says, giggling slightly as he slumps down on the couch, spilling half his drink as he goes. “And I only have… what, three days here before I have to fly back. Again. I’m gonna be forever jetlagged.”</p>
<p>“Hey, going home after Singapore was your own choice,” Luke says from where he’s sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. “You could’ve just gone straight here like me and Ash. Would’ve saved you a whole flight and the jetlag that comes with it.”</p>
<p>Calum sticks his tongue out. “Excuse me for wanting to spend time with my family.”</p>
<p>“Go complain to Michael instead,” Luke says with a roll of his eyes. “Maybe he can sympathize since he’s in the same predicament as you.”</p>
<p>Turning his head to scope Michael out, Calum grimaces. “He and Ash are helping Jon tidy up all the video-shit. If I go over there, they’re gonna expect me to help out.”</p>
<p>“Ew,” Luke grunts. “How is your family, anyway? I talked to mum last week, she said your parents were doing some redecorating in the lounge.”</p>
<p>Calum barks out a laugh. “What are we, forty-year-olds making smalltalk while waiting for our kids to be done at soccer practice?”</p>
<p>“Huh?”</p>
<p>“You’re asking me about my parents’ redecorating activities, mate, that’s… weird. ‘S a weird thing to ask about.”</p>
<p>“I— well, what do you want me to ask you about, then?” Luke asks haughtily. “How the rockstar lifestyle is treating you? Where in LA you get the best blow?”</p>
<p>“Better than discussing the redecorating of a house that neither of us live in,” Calum says, taking a sip of his drink. “If you’d like to know, <i>I’m</i> redecorating my bedroom. Painting the walls, getting a bigger bed.”</p>
<p>“Why? Your bed’s, like… gigantic,” Luke says, sniggering. “You need more space for your loneliness, or what?”</p>
<p>Giving Luke the finger, Calum makes a face. “I’m not lonely, you dick. Friends, family, a couple of people I can hit up if I wanna get laid — I’ve got it all. I’ve got no need for a permanent bed partner to sleep next to right now.”</p>
<p>Luke doesn’t respond, but thinks to himself that he would quite like for <i>his</i> permanent bed partner to actually be willing to <i>sleep</i> next to him.</p>
<p>As they started filming early in the day, it’s barely nine o’clock by the time the house clears out. Calum, Jack, Roy and one more person that Luke can’t recall the name of leave to go clubbing while Michael goes to meet Crystal at a party, which essentially leaves Ashton and Luke looking like boring old people who just want to go to bed. Luke doesn’t think it counts, however, when the real reason they choose to hang back instead of coming out is that they want to continue the party just the two of them.</p>
<p>“It’s quite romantic, actually,” Luke says. He’s straddling Ashton’s lap on the couch, swaying left and right to the soft beat of <i>Ghost of You</i> while balancing a cocktail in his hand. It’s peach coloured and tastes like sunshine. “Instead of going out to have fun with other people, we chose to stay here and have fun with each other. Romance.”</p>
<p>“Or codependence,” Ashton says. When Luke frowns, a little disgruntled, he snorts. “Alright, alright. We’re still in the honeymoon phase, yeah? Only got eyes for each other and all that.”</p>
<p>Stretching his arm back to put his drink on the coffee table, Luke flattens his hands on Ashton’s chest and leans in to kiss him. He sighs happily when Ashton pulls him closer by the hips as he kisses back. While he knows the spinning in his head is mostly due to the alcohol in his system, he likes to think it has a little bit to do with simply being allowed to kiss Ashton without having to fear what the consequences might be.</p>
<p>Luke ends the kiss with a gentle peck, then pulls back to be able to look Ashton properly in the eyes. “Can we… talk?” he asks. “There are some things I’d like to know and… yeah. I wanna talk.”</p>
<p>“What about?” Ashton asks, his eyes a little unfocused, but as kind as ever. “Us?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, or… I mean, mostly you, I guess.”</p>
<p>Tilting his chin upwards as his lips part in apparent confusion, Ashton nods slowly. “Okay… What about me?”</p>
<p>“Just…” Luke trails off, shrugging his shoulders. “I know what <i>my</i> head has been doing over the last few months, like… in relation to you, but I’d like to know where… you know, <i>your</i> head has been at, too.”</p>
<p>Ashton’s face contorts into a frown, but it only lasts for a second before it melts into an expression of understanding. “You wanna know when I started seeing you as more than a friend and a bandmate,” he says. It’s not a question.</p>
<p>Smiling hesitantly, Luke presses a kiss to Ashton’s cheek. “Is that weird?”</p>
<p>“No, it’s okay, I get it,” Ashton says, his thumbs rubbing against Luke’s ribs in wordless reassurance. “It took me by surprise when it happened, that’s for sure.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, no shit,” Luke says with a soft chuckle. “I think I maybe… knew something was up after that day on the couch. With the molly and… well, maybe there were a couple of signs before that, but that’s when I kinda just… you know. I brushed it off for a while, figured it had more to do with the drugs and with me not having gotten any action in ages than it had to do with you specifically.”</p>
<p>Ashton smiles and a huff of laughter spills over his lips. “That wasn’t the case?”</p>
<p>“No, I… or, I don’t know. Maybe it was more of a fifty-fifty divide at the time. I really wanted… something that day, though.”</p>
<p>“Hm, yeah, I remember,” Ashton says. “You asked me to kiss you again and again.”</p>
<p>“And then you did.” Luke gnaws carefully at his bottom lip. “Why… why did you?”</p>
<p>“Dunno,” Ashton muses. “I was high, so I figured it couldn’t hurt and you looked cute, all begging and sweaty under me.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t <i>begging</i>,” Luke laughs.</p>
<p>“Eh, you kinda were, but like I said, it made you look cute.” Luke has half a mind to continue arguing, but Ashton continues before he gets the chance. “That’s when it all started for you, then? It was right before Halloween, wasn’t it? So… about seven months ago.”</p>
<p>“Maybe not right then, but… not too long after,” Luke says. “I don’t know, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it happened, but I didn’t… you know, shy away from it either once it happened. I wasn’t happy about it, but I kinda just accepted it and tried to deal with it.”</p>
<p>Ashton’s eyebrows rise. “Pretty mature of you.”</p>
<p>“No need to sound so surprised,” Luke says, poking his finger gently against Ashton’s sternum. “I may have my shortcomings, but when have I ever been scared or whatever of my own feelings, as long as they’re not inherently negative ones? Had I been a little braver than I am, I probably would have made a move ages ago.”</p>
<p>“I reckon you’re brave enough, baby,” Ashton says, punctuating the sentence with a peck to Luke’s nose. “You could have chosen to not make a move at all or to just suppress your feelings until the end of time, but you didn’t.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think I possess that level of self-restraint, especially not since… you know, we work together, so I’d have to see you all the time,” Luke says, smiling wryly. “And even if I was able to ignore it, I would have ended up spending my days miserable as hell until I one day settled for someone else and that’s not… no. At least— I mean, if I told you and it turned out that my feelings were unreciprocated, I’d at least know that I gave it a go, you know? Even though it’d be super humiliating to have to live with you knowing how I felt.”</p>
<p>“Well… it’s a non-issue, obviously, but if that was the case, I wouldn’t have made you feel bad about it,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“No, I know, but it would have been weird,” Luke says, shooting his gaze down for a second. “I’d write all these songs about… I don’t know, unrequited feelings or whatever and you’d have to write the drum tracks for them knowing they were about you. It would have been proper fucked up, like… ‘Likely to tear the band apart eventually’-level fucked up.”</p>
<p>Ashton looks at Luke for a long while before he responds with a quiet, “Yeah, maybe. But like I said, it’s a non-issue, ‘cause it just so happens that I like you quite a bit, too. Loads of feelings and all.”</p>
<p>Though it’s not like Luke wasn’t already aware of that, his cheeks still flush dusty pink with happiness. “Oh, so that’s why you keep kissing me and wanting me to get naked,” he says. “That makes sense.”</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Ashton hums. “See, it turns out that kissing you <i>while</i> you’re naked is one of my favourite pastimes. Any part of yourself that you’ll let me kiss, I’ll wanna kiss.”</p>
<p>“You’ve had your tongue up my ass, so I don’t think there’s a single part of my body that I wouldn’t let you kiss.”</p>
<p>“Even your feet?”</p>
<p>Luke blanches. “I… what?” he asks apprehensively. “You don’t— I mean, I’m not kink shaming anyone, but you don’t have a… foot fetish, do you?”</p>
<p>Ashton’s eyebrows shoot up and he bursts out laughing. “No, I just meant— no, Luke, I was trying to make a rhetorical point. I don’t wanna kiss or lick your feet or suck on your toes, don’t worry. Fucking hell, you should’ve seen your face.”</p>
<p>“Thank fuck,” Luke says, his shoulders sagging a little with relief. “I mean, I guess we could’ve worked something out if you <i>did</i> have a foot fetish, but… I’m pretty happy that you don’t.”</p>
<p>“It’s kinda odd, don’t you think?” Ashton says thoughtfully. “It <i>should</i> feel more off-putting to put one’s mouth on another person’s asshole than to suck on their toes, and yet that’s not the case. Well, not for me, anyway.”</p>
<p>Luke makes a face. “Yeah, Ash, it is a little odd, but talking about it makes me feel gross.”</p>
<p>“Prude.”</p>
<p>“Whatever. So… back to what we were talking about earlier,” Luke says. “What about you? When did you know you—”</p>
<p>“Christmas,” Ashton says before Luke can complete the question.</p>
<p>Luke withdraws his upper body, tilting his head to the side as he frowns at Ashton. “Christmas? Why? We weren’t even together over Christmas. We didn’t even talk to each other, as far as I can remember, except for a happy holidays-text.”</p>
<p>Ashton hums as he pulls Luke back until their torsos are touching. “Which was what made me realise and accept that I had feelings for you — not seeing you for an extended period of time. I missed you so much, spent way too much time thinking about you and just wanting to go back to LA so I could have you around day in and day out again. Everything’s better when you’re around and I only realised that when you <i>weren’t</i> around.”</p>
<p>Pushing down the lump that was forming in his throat while Ashton was talking, Luke sucks in his bottom lip as he smiles. “That’s sweet,” he says, pressing his thumb gently against Ashton’s cheek. “Was that… like, did it come out of nowhere over Christmas, then, or was there… something happening before then?”</p>
<p>“Probably way before,” Ashton says. “I didn’t let myself consider it before then, though.”</p>
<p>“Okay, so… what made you let yourself consider it?”</p>
<p>“Mum, predictably enough,” Ashton says with a curt, yet fond laugh. “She kept catching on whenever my mind was drifting to you, and then she cornered me on Christmas Day and asked me who had me so whipped I forgot to eat my prawns and drink my wine.”</p>
<p>Luke grins. “You forgot to eat and drink because you were too busy thinking about me?”</p>
<p>“Pretty much,” Ashton says soberly. “I barely slept night to Boxing Day, so that was fun.”</p>
<p>Nodding slowly, Luke says, “So, on New Year’s Eve, you actually wanted to kiss me? You didn’t just… kiss me back on reflex when I—”</p>
<p>“I wanted that kiss,” Ashton interrupts, smiling wryly. “One of the best kisses I’ve ever had, I reckon, but then you went all weird on me right after and just wished me a happy new year, so I figured <i>you</i> regretted it, which sucked, to be honest.”</p>
<p>Thinking back to the days following New Year’s Eve, Luke remembers how things between himself and Ashton were off for a while. Words were scarce, time spent alone together was even scarcer, and something about the air separating them was seriously askew. He also remembers how much he tore himself to shreds trying to figure out how to deal with the situation, and how he in the end left it to its own devices when Ashton was starting to treat him normally again.</p>
<p>“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about that,” Luke says as he tightens his legs around Ashton’s hips. “I was having a ton of… feelings and stuff long before that, since sometime after that… you know, on the couch, and it was— I don’t know, it was a lot of thoughts and confusion that I had no idea how to deal with. I’d normally have come to <i>you</i> for advice, you know? But obviously that wasn’t an option and I didn’t wanna drag Cal or Michael into it either, because of the band, so…”</p>
<p>A shift of emotions dances across Ashton’s face, and he nods slowly. “About that…”</p>
<p>“About what?”</p>
<p>“Cal and Mike.” Rolling his lips, Ashton blinks up at Luke. “Should we tell them?”</p>
<p>Luke’s chest feels like it’s about to cave in on itself for a moment, and he coughs. “You wanna— what? Why?”</p>
<p>“Because we’re touring, Luke,” Ashton says quietly. “And we’re starting another tour in August, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but for us to be… <i>us</i> while on tour and also try to hide what we’re doing from the two of them isn’t fun. We have to lie and avoid them and we can’t spend any real time together, just the two of us, without rousing suspicion and—”</p>
<p>“No.” Shaking his head, Luke draws a deep breath. “No. I don’t wanna… no, not yet.”</p>
<p>Ashton’s face falls, landing on something between disappointment and exasperation, and Luke hates it. “Why not?” he asks. “It’s gonna get out sooner or later, you know that, so—”</p>
<p>“I know, but not right away. It can stay between us for now.”</p>
<p>“That’s basically what you said three weeks ago, too.”</p>
<p>“And it’s as true now as it was then.”</p>
<p>“Luke…” Ashton’s eyelids flutter shut for a moment and he shakes his head, just once. “Telling them would make everything easier and a hell of a lot less stressful.”</p>
<p>“Or they hate us for it and worry that we’re gonna ruin the band and alienate the fans and fuck up the band dynamic and—”</p>
<p>“Sounds like you’re projecting your own insecurities onto them.”</p>
<p>Luke feels his bottom lip tremble slightly with emotions he can’t identify, and he captures it between his teeth, biting down until he’s regained control. “Maybe,” he mumbles. “Doesn’t make it any less true, though. I… I <i>am</i> scared of how it’ll affect the band, maybe even more than of their initial reactions, because they can get used to the idea and all, but if us being… whatever we are, fucks up how we interact and work together as a band, then what? Are we gonna have to end this thing? I don’t think that’d help at all, it’d just be like… I don’t know.” Luke pauses for a moment, screwing his eyes shut. “We’re fucked, aren’t we? I can’t… I don’t think I can go back to just being your friend, but what if we have to? What if Cal and Michael say that either we break it off or the band’s through?”</p>
<p>“Then they’d be pretty fucking shitty friends,” Ashton says with a thin smile. “They’re not gonna do that, though. Like you said, if they don’t accept it immediately, we’ll give them some time to get used to the idea. They can’t force us to break it off and neither can anyone else.”</p>
<p>“Not literally, perhaps, but… they could make us choose between each other and the band, and then what?” Luke swallows thickly. “I can’t— I’m not ready to tell them yet, Ash. I need more time to… you know, get my mind wrapped around all of this before we share it with anyone else, okay? And I— I don’t… I’ve never done this before.”</p>
<p>“What part of it?”</p>
<p>“I… well, all of it, I guess,” Luke says with an uneasy chuckle. “I’ve never been, like… properly involved with a guy for more than sex, I’ve never gotten involved with someone who was a friend for years beforehand, I’ve never… never had anything with anyone that felt this… you know.”</p>
<p>“You’ve never had anything with anyone that felt this…?” Ashton questions.</p>
<p>A tidal wave of blood makes Luke’s whole face heat up, and he looks down as he shrugs. “I don’t know, just… it’s good, you know? I always feel good when you’re around, like… safe and happy and—” He cuts himself off with a small cough, keeping his eyes firmly locked on his own thigh. “Yeah.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you, but you’re cute when you’re embarrassed,” Ashton chuckles as he wraps his arms tightly around Luke’s shoulders and pulls him in for a hug.</p>
<p>Hiding his face the best he can in Ashton’s hair, Luke hums. “I’m not embarrassed,” he mumbles. “I’m just not used to… I don’t know, verbally elaborating on my feelings. I’m more… physical.”</p>
<p>“It’s always been all hugs and cuddles with you,” Ashton says, his voice fondly amused. “And, more recently, kisses and sex as well. Guess that makes us polar opposites.”</p>
<p>Luke takes a moment to consider the latter statement before he responds. “Yeah. You’re…  you’re more into verbal displays of affection and faith and whatever else,” he says as he sits back and smiles at Ashton. “You have been for as long as I’ve known you, like… literally since that first band practice, when you kept encouraging us even though we sucked.”</p>
<p>“Just what I do,” Ashton says before he steals a quick kiss.</p>
<p>“And thank God for that,” Luke says. “So… does that difference make us ultimately incompatible or does it make us, like… you know, fulfill each other or something?”</p>
<p>Ashton knits his eyebrows together in a thoughtful frown. “The latter, I think,” he says after a bit. “But only because you don’t mind my <i>verbal</i> displays of affection and I don’t mind your <i>physical</i> displays of affection. Had either of us disliked the other’s displays, I reckon we’d have a bit of a problem.”</p>
<p>“Hey, who says I don’t mind your verbal mush?” Luke retorts.</p>
<p>“Well, you keep kissing me every time I give you some verbal mush, so I figured that was your way of telling me you enjoy it.”</p>
<p>“Maybe I do it to shut you up.”</p>
<p>Ashton smiles crookedly. “Do you?”</p>
<p>“Maybe, maybe not,” Luke says breezily. “You’ll never know.”</p>
<p>Ashton tilts his head back and forth in consideration. “I could lay some mush on you right now and see how you react,” he says. “See if your face does that little twitchy thing it does when you’re annoyed, like you wanna roll your eyes but just barely manage to restrain yourself, or if you look down and smile like you do when you’re happy but don’t wanna show it.” Sliding his hands from Luke’s back to his waist, Ashton leans forward until his nose is brushing against the shell of Luke’s ear. “Maybe you don’t know it,” he starts, voice barely a whisper, “but when you’re comfortable and relaxed, you’re extremely expressive with your emotions.”</p>
<p>Luke smiles a little. “How so?” he asks as he leans into Ashton with his whole body.</p>
<p>“I started noticing it a couple of years ago,” Ashton says. “How your reactions to what happens around you are pretty obvious when you’re surrounded by people you know well and there are no cameras present. Not sure if you’ve always been like that or if it’s a coping mechanism you developed at some point after the band took off, but… I like it.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Luke breathes through barely parted lips. “I don’t… I didn’t know that.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I figured,” Ashton says softly. “You took it another step further a little while after you moved in here last year, though. You became even more expressive, more open about what you were thinking and feeling when it was just the two of us. I think I noticed it properly the first time we went to the beach. Remember?”</p>
<p>“The day after my birthday,” Luke murmurs. “Yeah, I remember. You kissed my head.”</p>
<p>“Hm, yeah. I wanted to. We were talking about something and I can’t remember what about, but I do remember thinking that it’d been a long time since you were as open with me as you were that day. I also remember thinking that I loved listening to you talk and that I wouldn’t have minded sleeping at the beach that night if it meant we could keep talking. </p>
<p>“And you know, I kept thinking that every time we went to the beach. We had so many good conversations there and it’s where I realised out of the blue that I trusted you in a way that I don’t trust and never <i>have</i> trusted anyone else, so I told you about my issues with alcohol and you reacted… so fucking wonderfully. Easy-going and supportive and just the way I hoped you’d react. And then you seemed to find some sort of courage in my confession, so you told me more about you and Arzayela, and I loved that, because with anyone else, it could have easily felt like they were trying to downplay my issues by immediately starting to talk about their own, but with you…</p>
<p>“Our issues were — <i>are</i> — different, at least on the surface, but you sharing parts of your story with me felt more like you were telling me that you trusted me as much as I trusted you, and that’s… it’s not something I take lightly. Not with anyone, but especially not with you, not then and definitely not now. You said just now that you’ve never had anything with anyone that felt this… and then you kinda stopped there, but I know what you mean, and I’m right there with you.”</p>
<p>The amount of affection flowing through Luke’s veins by the time Ashton finishes talking feels like it’s constricting his blood flow, making his fingers and toes prickle and his heart thump at an increased rate. Perhaps it’s silly, but a thin sheen of tears are making his eyes sting, and he sniffles quietly as he hugs Ashton as tightly as he can without breaking any bones. Breathing in deeply through his nose, he lets himself just feel for a little while.</p>
<p>Being teased for shedding happy tears is something that has never really let up in Luke’s life, so he half-expects Ashton to do so. </p>
<p>He’s been used to it since the day Alicia in year three told him she thought he was cute and he came home with happy tears streaming down his face, only for Jack and Ben to spend the next week mercilessly teasing him about it. After he moved out and was no longer around Ben, Jack or both of them on a daily basis, the torch was taken over by Michael, Calum and Ashton. Mostly Michael, to be fair, but Calum and Ashton played their parts, too, and Luke always gave as good as he got.</p>
<p>It’s not the case now, though. Maybe teasing each other about happy tears is something they permanently left behind when the band entered a new era, maybe it was pushed out of his and Ashton’s relationship when friendship was accompanied by feelings, or maybe the concept is still there, but currently buried under the weight of the emotions that are passing back and forth between them in a perfectly synchronized dance. No matter what the case might be, the result is that Ashton doesn’t laugh or start teasing.</p>
<p>Pressing his lips to the angle of Luke’s jaw, Ashton stays completely still for one, two, three heartbeats before he pulls back half an inch. “You’re beautiful, Lukey, in every possible way,” he whispers. “Everything you say, everything you do, everything you are, it keeps amazing me on a daily basis and if it’s okay with you, I’d like to keep letting it amaze me for a long, long time to come.”</p>
<p>All Luke can find in himself to respond with is another sniffle and a nod as he holds Ashton close, letting himself be held just as close in return. He doesn’t say anything, but Ashton doesn’t seem to mind. He keeps whispering sweet words into Luke’s ear while Luke anchors himself using Ashton’s body, allowing an occasional tear to collide with the smile on his lips.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Part 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello again! Hope everyone's had a nice week so far and that your weekends will be excellent♥ I've been looking forward to spring for quite a while, but as it happens, all we're getting up here are snow- and hailstorms and no pretty flowers, so there's that. </p><p>Alright, so this chapter... I don't have all that much to say, actually (surprise y'all, I do know how to shut up on occasion). Maybe... hm, I’m not sure if this needs to be apologised for seeing as this is, in fact, a Lashton-fic, but this chapter is very Lashton-heavy, very focused on their relationship, and I feel like there’s not much else going on, so I hope it’s not too boring?</p><p>Oh, and I made this <a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd4m7m1W0l9R1hNErCBWUowCxiCK_dVFrDV-5J__TFSzxLk_Q/viewform?usp=sf_link">Google form</a> the other day. It's basically just me trying to get a better idea of what readers of 5sos-fics wanna see more of and what they wanna see less of so I can take that into consideration when planning and writing new fics. It contains six questions (seven if you count the 'Anything else?'-one), it's completely anonymous and it won't take more than a few minutes to fill out, so if anyone would like to do it, I'd appreciate it a lot!</p><p>OH, and if anyone's interested and hasn't seen it, I started writing (and posting) some TW-scenes but written from other characters' POVs. I've only posted one scene as of right now (which is basically the prologue written from Ashton's POV), but I'll be writing and posting more as time goes on. You can find that work <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30465546/chapters/75123744">HERE!</a></p><p>Thank you so much for reading and commenting and kudosing and sending me asks, I love you♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Saturday, May 26th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Doing promo interviews when he’s visiting his parents on a sort-of break isn’t what Luke considers ideal, but he doesn’t mind too much when he gets to do said promo with Ashton and they go out for dinner afterwards. It’s easy to pretend that they’re on a date when they sit on opposite ends of a small table in a semi-high end restaurant, both of them dressed nicely because of the promo, and the idea that one day, hopefully not too far into the future, they could go out on actual dates in public makes Luke heart do somersaults. When they get the bill and Ashton grabs it before Luke can even attempt to reach it, the date-like feeling gets even stronger, and Luke’s fairly certain he’s smiling so widely he could be mistaken for a circus clown.<p>“You seem happy,” Ashton comments when they’re back in the car. Ashton’s mum’s car, to be more specific, because neither Luke nor Ashton could be arsed to lease a car for their short stay, and something about borrowing their parents’ vehicles feels just juvenile enough to let them relive their carefree teenage years. Having Ashton pick him up earlier to drive to the radio station together reminded Luke of back when Ashton was the only one of them who had his license, and he drove around to pick the rest of them up for this or that reason.</p><p>“I am,” Luke says. “This is nice. All of this. It’s good to be home for a bit and see family and go out with you and… yeah. It’s nice.”</p><p>Ashton takes his eyes off the road for a fraction of a second to smile at Luke. “Yeah, it is. Kinda takes you back, doesn’t it?”</p><p>“Hm, yeah. Except I didn’t spend my days macking on you back then.”</p><p>“Did you ever want to?”</p><p>“What?” Luke laughs. “Are you asking me if I ever had a crush on you?”</p><p>Ashton shrugs. “Did you?”</p><p>“Nah, sorry,” Luke says, reaching out a hand to poke Ashton’s cheek. “I thought you were hot for a few weeks after we first met, but it passed.”</p><p>“What, I stopped being hot?”</p><p>“No, I just became immune to it, I think.”</p><p>“Until you weren’t.”</p><p>“Until I wasn’t,” Luke agrees. “So… did <i>you</i> ever have a crush on <i>me?</i>”</p><p>“Can’t say that I did,” Ashton says as he gets off the highway, turning left onto a smaller road. “You were cute and all, with your fringe and skinny limbs and acne and what else, but… no.”</p><p>“Well, the fringe and the acne is gone, but I still have skinny limbs.”</p><p>“Not as skinny as they were back then.”</p><p>“Would be kinda weird if they were, wouldn’t it?”</p><p>It takes a solid two hours for them to get to Luke’s parents’ house, and the clock’s nearing ten in the evening by the time Ashton stops the car and turns to the left to face Luke in the passenger seat. “So,” he says. “Guess this is goodbye for now. Nothing scheduled tomorrow and then off to Melbourne on Monday, so I think tomorrow’s gonna be all family time.”</p><p>Cocking his head to the side, Luke shrugs as he unfastens his seatbelt and gets out of the car. He ignores Ashton’s confused, “Luke?” before he slams the door shut, only to get back into the car through the backdoor.</p><p>Settling in the middle seat, Luke grins at the quizzical eyebrow Ashton’s raising at him, then pats the seat next to himself. “You coming?”</p><p>Ashton's level of confusion appears to rise for a couple of seconds, before it dissolves completely and he lets out a laugh. “What, you wanna make out?” he asks, and though his tone of voice is incredulous, he’s climbing through to the backseat as he speaks.</p><p>The moment Ashton is settled, Luke climbs into his lap and smashes their lips together. Ashton lets out a sound of surprise, but he starts kissing back after a beat, grabbing onto Luke’s waist as he does. There’s something about the setting as whole that has Luke feel like his limbs are on fire before more than a couple of minutes have passed; they’re on a public street and they’re in the backseat of a goddamned car when there’s absolutely nothing keeping them from driving back into the city and get a nice hotel room. But Luke doesn’t want a nice hotel room; he wants this, the cramped space and Ashton hardening underneath him as he pushes down every so often, eliciting muffled moans from the both of them.</p><p>Ashton pulls back a little when Luke’s hand finds its way down his chest, over his stomach and to the waistband of his pants. “Where’s this going, Luke?” he asks, a little dazed by the looks and sounds of it.</p><p>“I wanna fuck,” Luke says, pushing his hips forward to show Ashton exactly how much he wants it.</p><p>“Are you serious?” Ashton laughs breathlessly. “Right here? In <i>my</i> mum’s car and right outside <i>your</i> childhood home? We’re parked on a public street and it’s not <i>that</i> late. Anyone could walk past and see us, you fucking nympho.”</p><p>Grinning, Luke shrugs as he pulls down the zipper of Ashton’s jeans and gives it a small yank, to which Ashton responds by lifting his hips long enough for Luke to pull his pants and underwear halfway down his thighs. Shuffling around a little awkwardly, Luke manages to rid himself of his jacket, jeans and boxers before he resumes to straddling Ashton’s lap.</p><p>“I never did anything like this when I was a teenager, so I wanna do it now,” he says as he reaches behind himself and grabs a hold of Ashton’s dick, rubbing the tip against his hole. His hips twitch at their own accord at the feeling, and he falls forward, releasing a strained breath against the side of Ashton’s head.</p><p>With a firm grip on Luke’s hips, Ashton presses his lips to Luke’s pulsepoint. “Can’t do it without prep, you moron,” he says. “You’ll get hurt and it won’t be good for either of us.”</p><p>“‘M not unprepped,” Luke mumbles, moving his hips slowly as he mouths against Ashton’s cheek. “Was bored this afternoon, right before you came to pick me up. ‘S been a few hours, but I just need a little more lube and I’ll be good if we go slow.”</p><p>Ashton’s breath stutters and his hold on Luke’s hips tightens. “You were so bored you fingered yourself?” he asks as his fingers dig into Luke’s skin, creating painful little dents. “Are you for real?”</p><p>More pleased with Ashton’s reaction that he probably should be, Luke bites his lip and nods. Letting go of Ashton’s cock, he arches his back as he presses himself closer to Ashton and captures his lip in a kiss.</p><p>“Pocket on the back of the passenger seat,” he breathes when they break apart. “Lube.”</p><p>“What? When did you put—”</p><p>“Ash, for the love of God!”</p><p>Ashton manages to grab the bottle of lube, bringing a condom with him. Tossing the condom to the side, he pops open the cap of the lube bottle and is about to pour some on his fingers when Luke stops him.</p><p>“Don’t you want me to—”</p><p>“No, just get some on yourself and get in me,” Luke says as he grabs a hold of Ashton’s dick and fits the tip against his hole. “Please, come on…”</p><p>Wrapping his fingers around Luke’s wrist to halt his movements, Ashton quirks an eyebrow. “Condom?”</p><p>Luke gnaws on his bottom lip, swallows thickly. “I put one in there and all, but… do we need one?”</p><p>Ashton’s eyes go wide and he lets out a small, strangled sound as his hold on Luke’s wrist tightens to the point of pain. “Fucking hell, you can’t just spring shit like that on me when we’re already right in the middle of it. I can’t think straight.”</p><p>Grinding his hips down, Luke grins and asks, “Is that a yes?”</p><p>“Two obstacles,” Ashton grunts as he lets go of Luke’s wrist in favour of gripping his hips. “One: It’s probably not necessary, but we should get tested before we go there, and two: Gravity.”</p><p>Luke frowns. “Gravity?”</p><p>“I know you didn’t finish school, baby, but gravity’s gonna make sure my jizz ends up anywhere but inside you the moment I pull out.”</p><p>“Ew,” Luke mutters. “You don’t have to come inside me, though.”</p><p>“We should still get tested.”</p><p>Luke can’t help but pout. “‘S not like I’ve fucked anyone else in… ages.”</p><p>“Me neither, but just to be on the safe side,” Ashton says, tilting his head up to brush his lips against Luke’s. “We’ll get it done as soon as the tour is over, okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, okay,” Luke mumbles, still a little bummed out. Letting their lips slot together, he pushes forward so that his dick is trapped between their stomachs. He moans softly while their tongues tangle, and blindly reaches for the condom, breaking the kiss to tear it open with his teeth when he finds it. Panting slightly, he scoots back a few inches to roll the condom on Ashton. By the time he’s finished, Ashton has already poured a generous amount of lube into the palm of his hand, and he doesn’t waste any time before he slicks himself up, gives Luke’s ass a light slap and mumbles, “Up.”</p><p>The slight burning sensation that hits Luke as he sinks down, little by little, is bordering on being too much. But Ashton’s arms are wrapped securely around his waist, and he’s planting trembling kisses to Luke’s cheek, neck, jawline while mumbling a mixture of sweet nothings and hot words of encouragement, all of which has every nerve in Luke’s body on fire within a couple of minutes.</p><p>He hides his face in Ashton’s neck once he’s lowered himself fully down, draws a deep, shuddering breath that he lets back out through a broken moan. A bead of sweat rolls down the side of his face and he wipes it off against Ashton’s shirt. Threading his fingers through Ashton’s hair, he uses his knees to lift himself up tentatively, sighing in part relief, part pleasure when the motion doesn’t cause him any pain.</p><p>“You know,” Ashton breathes when Luke starts moving up and down at a steady pace. “I think— as much as I love sex with you in general, this— <i>fuck</i>… this position is probably my favourite.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Luke asks as he straightens up, pressing a kiss to Ashton’s lips. “Half-clothed and in the back of a car?”</p><p>“I said the position, not the situation,” Ashton laughs, immediately followed by a cut-off groan when Luke picks up his pace. “Love— love being able to see you, love having you on top—”</p><p>“Because God forbid you do any of the work.”</p><p>“Yeah, you got me,” Ashton says before he, as if to prove Luke wrong, starts thrusting up each time Luke comes down.</p><p>Bracing himself with one hand against the seat behind Ashton, Luke uses his other hand to stroke himself clumsily. “Can you…?” he pants as he stills mid-air, and he cries out and collapses forward when Ashton immediately picks up where he left off, fucking up into Luke with swift rolls of his hips. Luke feels a little weak as he works his own dick, his arms and legs trembling with the effort of simply keeping himself in a semi-upright position.</p><p>“Oh— okay, okay,” he gasps when Ashton starts moving a little faster. “Yeah, like that, just— continue, I’m—”</p><p>“You gonna come already?” Ashton breathes right into Luke’s ear, and while there’s a hint of something taunting edging the words, he sounds like he’s struggling to keep it together himself. “Gonna get your shirt all dirty, baby, ‘s that what you want? To have to walk into that house looking like an absolute fucking mess?”</p><p>Luke whines into Ashton’s hair, stroking himself a little faster, a little harder as he chases his climax. Slipping his hands to the underside of Luke’s ass, Ashton spreads him a little further apart, sinks his fingers into the soft flesh. His thrusts become a little more erratic, a little less controlled, and he bites down on a spot right underneath Luke’s ear, sucking at the sensitive skin.</p><p>“Come on, Luke,” he groans. “Be a good boy and come for me, yeah?”</p><p>The words throw Luke off for a split second, then they register properly and he comes so suddenly and so intensely that he lets out an embarrassingly loud moan that he doesn’t have the presence of mind to even try and swallow. Gasping for breath, he keeps stroking himself as cum spills all over his hand and wave after wave of ecstasy slams into him until they even out, and he crashes his lips against Ashton’s, hard and sloppy. Trembling from head to toe, he starts grinding down to meet Ashton halfway, and it’s only a few moments later that Ashton throws his head back, breath getting stuck in his throat as he falls over the edge. He holds Luke down, rocking into him in small, barely-there pulses, and the look on his face is one of complete and utter bliss as he slowly descends from his high.</p><p>Grimacing at the mess on his hand, Luke begrudgingly wipes it off at his own shirt. “Gross,” he mutters.</p><p>“Tried to warn you,” Ashton says lazily. “You didn’t listen.”</p><p>Luke sticks his tongue out. “That wasn’t a warning, it was dirty talk.”</p><p>“It was both.”</p><p>“Uh-huh. Speaking of: ‘Good boy’? Really?”</p><p>Ashton doesn’t look the least bit embarrassed, and Luke both admires it, adores it and loathes it at the same time. “Figured there was a fifty-fifty chance if you’d like it or punch me for it,” he says. “Either way it seemed like a solid win for me.”</p><p>“What, you want me to start punching you during sex now?” Luke laughs. “I’m open to trying new things, but that seems… more violent than arousing.” Tilting his chin up, he juts his lip out. “Speaking of trying new things, though…”</p><p>Ashton smiles, though it’s somewhat apprehensive. “Yeah…?”</p><p>“Do you wanna maybe… you know?”</p><p>Laughing a little, Ashton shakes his head. “You keep ending half-uttered questions with ‘you know?’ as if I’m supposed to magically be able to read your mind. No, Luke, I don’t know, so you’re gonna have to come out and say whatever’s on your mind or at least give me a little more to go on if you wanna play guessing games.”</p><p>“Dick,” Luke grunts. “No, I just… you’ve never expressed any interest in it, so I don’t know if you’ve never thought about it or if you <i>have</i> thought about it and decided that you don’t want to, but— I mean… do you think you’d wanna maybe… try switching things around sometime?”</p><p>Ashton opens his mouth and it looks like he’s about to ask for clarification. But then his lips part as realisation dawns on him, and he nods slowly. “You wanna fuck me?” he asks.</p><p>Luke shrugs. “Not if you don’t want it, I’m not gonna… try and persuade you or anything, but… you know. As much as I love being fucked, I kinda… miss putting my dick to more direct use, so I just thought I’d ask.” </p><p>“Putting your dick to more direct use,” Ashton echoes, barking out a laugh. “What a beautiful way to put it.”</p><p>“Whatever, you know what I mean.” Luke halts for a moment, then asks, “So, have you… thought about it at all or is it something you just… don’t wanna explore?”</p><p>“I’ve thought about it, once or twice.” Ashton’s lips curl into a slight frown. “I’ve never had as much as a finger up there, though, so it’s a little... daunting, you know?”</p><p>“Yeah, I get that,” Luke says. “For what it's worth, it’s pretty fucking great once you get used to it, I can… tell you that much.”</p><p>“Thought you weren’t gonna try and persuade me.”</p><p>“I’m— oh, fuck off,” Luke laughs. “It was just a comment. You know what I meant.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know what you meant.” Shifting around a little, Ashton diverts his gaze to Luke’s shoulder for a moment before he continues. “What if I try it out on myself a time or two first and I’ll report back to you?”</p><p>“Oh, you’ll <i>report</i> back to me, will you?” Luke giggles. “Will it be a written report or just an oral one?”</p><p>“I’ll give you a fucking oral report, you brat,” Ashton says with a snorting laugh. “But does that sound like an okay deal?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke says softly. “Sounds like a great deal.”</p><p>“Okay, good.” Pause. “I’m already feeling sorry for my ass.”</p><p>Luke blinks. “You’re not allowed to say shit like that while your dick is still up <i>my</i> ass, you absolute—”</p><p>“Okay, okay,” Ashton cuts in. “Not that my dick doesn’t like it up there, but we should probably move, don’t you think?”</p><p>Albeit unhappily, they get dressed, and Ashton hands Luke a hoodie from his bag on the floor with a comment of, “Jizz smeared on a button-up isn’t a subtle look, baby.” Quickly checking that the street is deserted, they climb out, and the cool weather is a stark contrast to the stuffy, clammy air inside the car.</p><p>“Gonna have to drive back with the windows open, I think,” Ashton says as he leans his shoulder against the side of the car. “If mum has to drive to work tomorrow in a car that smells like sex, I don’t think she’ll let me go back to LA without grounding me for a week first.”</p><p>They bid each other goodbye with a kiss that, while being quick and dry, leaves Luke with an innocent sense of thrill. It’s the excitement of sharing any type of non-platonic sign of affection in  a public space, he reckons. He feels Ashton’s eyes in the back of his neck as he makes his way to the entrance door, and as he opens it, he turns around for a moment to smile and wave at Ashton before he steps inside and lets the door swing shut behind him.</p><p>Closing his eyes, he leans back against it, smiles for no other reason than the fact that he’s fucking <i>happy</i>.</p><p>“Did you go shopping?”</p><p>Luke squeaks and his eyes shoot open at the sound of his mum’s voice. “Jesus Christ, are you trying to give me a heart attack?” he asks. “And… no, why?”</p><p>She smiles from where she’s standing in the doorway to the kitchen. “That’s not what you were wearing when you left,” she says, gesturing to Ashton’s hoodie. </p><p>Luke blinks once, then his eyes widen and he can feel his face grow red hot. “Oh,” he says, clearing his throat. “Yeah, no, we just… you know, went out for dinner when we were done and I spilled ketchup on my shirt, so Ash gave me his hoodie so I didn’t have to walk around all… ketchuppy.”</p><p>For what feels like ten full minutes, Liz simply regards Luke, and it’s not until he shoots his gaze to the floor that she speaks up again. “Do you wanna stick to that story while I pretend that there isn’t a purple mark on your neck and that I didn’t see you two kiss out there from the kitchen, or do you wanna tell me what’s going on?”</p><p>Luke’s face goes from bright red to ghostly pale in a matter of seconds, and the sudden disappearance of blood makes his stomach flip uncomfortably. Forgetting all about pretense for a second, he blurts out, “How long did you stand there?”</p><p>“Just long enough to see you get out of the car.”</p><p>“Thank fuck.”</p><p>“Language,” she says so quickly Luke is inclined to believe it’s a reflex more than an actual admonishment. “So, do you wanna tell me how long you and Ashton have been an item?”</p><p>It hits Luke far harder than he thought it would to have those words said out loud by anyone other than himself or Ashton. It’s as if it solidifies the fact that he and Ashton are, indeed, an item, despite the current lack of a label of any kind. No longer is what they’re doing a private thing shared only by the two of them and the walls within which they go about their relationship. No, it has seeped out through a crack created by a hormone-fuelled lack of judgement, and the crack is copied to Luke’s chest, making it hard to breathe, half of the air he drags in evaporating before it can reach his lungs.</p><p>Tightening his jaw, Luke closes his eyes again as he steadies himself against the door behind him, folds his arms over his chest. He doesn’t hear his mum’s footsteps as she walks over, but he feels her hands on his lower arms, soft and warm.</p><p>“Luke, honey, it’s okay,” she says. “I’m not upset, just surprised. I didn’t see it coming, not from a mile away.”</p><p>“No, I… no, me neither,” he mumbles, still refusing to open his eyes. “It’s not like we— I mean, it just… happened, and we haven’t told anyone and we weren’t going to right now either and I— shit, I’m sorry, mum.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologise,” she says gently. “Like I said, I was just surprised. Can I ask how long it’s been going on for?”</p><p>Luke manages to smile at that, and he opens his eyes. “Just… since last month. Kind of.”</p><p>“Since last month, kind of,” she repeats, lowering her arms. “I’m assuming it didn’t come out of nowhere”</p><p>“No, it… you know. I moved in there last year and it just— I don’t know.” Hunching his shoulders slightly, Luke clears his throat. “Something just… changed along the way, I guess. We’ve always spent a lot of time together, but it became… different when we were actually living together, just the two of us, and… we talked a lot and just… grew closer. I don’t know. It’s hard to, like, pinpoint.”</p><p>“Well, he’s always been a sweet guy, very caring to those around him, and you’ve always appreciated <i>being</i> cared for,” Liz says after a beat of silence, a kind smile making her lips tilt upwards. “Do you wanna tell your dad?”</p><p>“What part?” Luke asks with a strangled chuckle. “That I’m not completely straight or that I’m fucking my—” </p><p>“Luke.”</p><p>“Sorry, <i>seeing</i> my bandmate slash best friend?”</p><p>“He’s not going to care anymore about that first part than I do. You know that.”</p><p>“Yeah. I guess.” Inhaling deeply, Luke presses his lips together. “I didn’t mean to… keep it from either of you. That I like guys as well as girls, I mean. It just never really… it wasn’t relevant, you know? I’ve never actually dated a guy until now, so I didn’t wanna… I don’t know. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s your life and your information to share with whoever you want, Luke,” Liz says, her voice calm and reassuring. “How long have you known?”</p><p>Luke shrugs halfheartedly. “Since right before we moved to London, I guess. I didn’t… really do anything about it until a while later, but…”</p><p>She raises her eyebrows and repeats, “Do anything about it.”</p><p>Groaning, Luke closes his eyes for a moment. “Please don’t. I’m too old to receive The Talk in any shape or form.” Pausing for a moment, he swallows. “Maybe… I mean, I don’t wanna keep stuff from dad, but I don’t know if I— maybe you could tell him, when you get a chance?”</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want to tell him yourself?”</p><p>“I think so.”</p><p>“Okay. What’s Ashton going to think about it?”</p><p>“Oh, I… I’m the main reason we’ve been keeping it on the downlow, so… he’s gonna be fine.” Luke draws his eyebrows together. “I should probably let him know he can tell his mum, though, it’s… only fair, I guess.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Liz says. Taking a step back, she gives him another smile. “I’m not going to ask what happened to your own shirt, but you might want to go take a shower. There are leftovers from dinner in the fridge if you’re hungry.”</p><p>Luke grimaces in part embarrassment, part hilarity at the almost déjà vu-like feeling the situation brings him. A memory from years back, when he came home far too late at night with a necklace of hickeys adorning his neck and an almost dazed look on his face, and was met by an unimpressed mum, a stern dad and two brothers in fits of laughter in the entrance hall.</p><p>“Yeah, thanks,” is all he says before he steps past her and jogs up the stairs.</p><p>While not being close to the way he’d have preferred to share the news with anyone for the first time, he reckons the result could have been a lot worse. He makes a mental note that even a quiet street in the Sydney suburbs late at night isn’t to be trusted, though. Grabbing a quick shower, he retreats to his bedroom and gets dressed in a pair of trackies and an old hoodie before he lies down on his bed and flips open his laptop to browse Netflix for some background noise. He always needs background noise when he’s back in his old bedroom, a habit from his teenage years that greets him every time he returns.</p><p>Luke waits until it’s been close to an hour since Ashton left before he picks up his phone and calls him. It only rings three times before Ashton answers with a smug, “<i>Missing me already?</i>”</p><p>“Yes, but that’s not why I’m calling,” Luke says.</p><p>“<i>What’s up?</i>”</p><p>“Mum knows.” Luke shifts around to lie on his side. “She saw us from the kitchen window.”</p><p>“<i>What? She— no,</i>” Ashton groans. “<i>No, no, no, please don’t tell me she saw—</i>”</p><p>“No, I— she didn’t see that part. Just… the kiss. After we got out.”</p><p>“<i>Fucking hell, open with that the next time, will you? I had half a mind to move to the fucking Amazon for a moment there.</i>”</p><p>Luke smiles. “I know I said earlier today that I’d follow you to the edge of the earth, but I wouldn’t follow you to the Amazon, so… please don’t.”</p><p>“<i>Duly noted.</i>”</p><p>“Cool.” Luke bites his lip. “I just thought you should know that… that she knows. And I told her she could tell dad. So… you can probably… you know, tell your mum if you want to.”</p><p>“<i>I want to.</i>”</p><p>“Yeah. Well, you can now, so… go wild.”</p><p>Ashton goes quiet for a moment, and there’s a rustling sound. It sounds like sheets being moved around. “<i>We have to talk about this, Luke. Us. What we’re doing.</i>”</p><p>“Now? I don’t wanna do that over the phone, we should—”</p><p>“<i>Too bad, because we are doing it over the phone, right now,</i>” Ashton cuts in.</p><p>Luke closes his eyes, tucking his knees close to his stomach. “Ash…”</p><p>“<i>No, Luke, other people know now, even if it’s just your parents, and we’ve been doing this for almost a month. We have to have </i>some<i> type of conversation.</i>”</p><p>“You know what?” Luke snaps. “You’re right, we <i>have</i> been doing this for almost a month, and we haven’t slept in the same bed since before we started this thing we’ve got going. Wanna have a conversation about that?”</p><p>“<i>We’ve already had a conversation about that. I explained myself to you the best I could and I promised you I’d work on it, which I am, every fucking day,</i>” Ashton says, and while he sounds calm and collected, there’s an edge to his voice that Luke doesn’t like. “<i>You, however, have yet to even try and explain what’s going on in your head to me, you keep dodging the topic whenever I try to bring it up.</i>” </p><p>“I— fine,” Luke says, a little defiant. “What the hell do you want me to say, then?”</p><p>“<i>I just want some clarification about what this is. We agreed that it’s not something fleeting, but... is it something casual?</i>”</p><p>Luke frowns. “Casual?”</p><p>“<i>If someone asked me out tomorrow, should I feel free to say yes?</i>”</p><p>“What?!” Luke half-shouts before he can stop himself. Tightening his jaw, he huffs. “No, you definitely shouldn’t. Absolutely not.” Pause. “Please.”</p><p>“<i>Okay, see, I wouldn’t have known that if you hadn’t told me.</i>” Ashton sighs soundly on the other end. “<i>I don’t wanna go out with someone else, okay? And I don’t wanna push you in this or that direction, but I need at least a little bit to go on here. Can you at least tell me why you’re dragging your feet? Are you having doubts? Do you regret starting this in the first place? Is it an internal thing </i>you’re<i> battling that has nothing to do with me?</i>”</p><p>“The latter,” Luke says hurriedly. “Definitely the latter. It’s not you and I’m definitely not having doubts or regretting anything.” Closing his fingers around the covers underneath himself, he inhales slowly. “It’s not about you or us, it’s just… I’m scared, I guess. Of what people will say when they find out, of what will happen if we put a proper label on it and it goes to shit, of what might change between us if we label it. Isn’t that a thing? That relationships change when you have the big bad talk and decide to be an official couple or whatever? I already went through one fucked up relationship in case you’ve forgotten and it wasn’t that long ago and I just can’t go through it again, especially not with you, and—”</p><p>“<i>I think that only applies to marriage, Luke, and I’m not asking you to marry me,</i>” Ashton says. “<i>Look, can we just… can we at the very least agree that seeing other people is off limits? Not to sound like a dick with anger issues, but the thought of you going out with or fucking someone else makes me wanna punch the wall.</i>”</p><p>Luke feels his face grow hot and despite the serious tone of the conversation, he smiles. “Yeah. Same. I don’t want you to… see anyone else either.” </p><p>“<i>No?</i>”</p><p>“No. I don’t… I don’t wanna sit around on the nights we’re not together and wonder if you’re out and about doing God knows what with God knows who. I really don’t.”</p><p>“<i>Okay,</i>” Ashton says, and he sounds relieved. “<i>So, we can agree that we have some type of exclusive thing going on, then?</i>”</p><p>“I… yeah. I guess.” Ashton doesn’t say anything, and Luke adds, “Yeah, we can agree on that. Is that… is that good enough for now?”</p><p>“<i>Honestly? I’d love for it to be a little bit clearer, to have an actual label of sorts so I knew what to refer to you as, even if it’d only be in my own head for now. And to my mum, I guess. But like I said, I don’t wanna push you, so… it’s good enough for now, yeah.</i>”</p><p>“For now,” Luke says, and it’s his turn to be relieved. “Sorry I snapped about the… sleeping-thing. I know you’re working on it. I just… I don’t like it, having to say goodnight in the hallway and then go to separate rooms or having to go sleep somewhere else after we fuck.”</p><p>“<i>I know, I don’t like it either. It’s not forever, though, yeah?</i>”</p><p>“Yeah. Thanks. I… for what it’s worth, you… you mean the fucking world to me, Ash, label or no label.” Luke blushes again as the words leave his mouth. “I hope you know that.”</p><p>“<i>I had a hunch, but it’s nice to hear it,</i>” Ashton says softly. “<i>And right back at ya.</i>”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Monday, June 4th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Luke purses his lips pensively as he scrolls through his Twitter feed. He’s not sure what he’s looking for, exactly, other than reactions from the fans to seeing them slowly, but surely getting drunk on tape while talking about their own music. A fleeting moment of amusement flicks his mind when he thinks about the fans’ reactions if what happened after the cameras were turned off was out there for everyone to see.<p>He’s sticky with sweat from the show and his bare upper body is clinging to the synthetic leather couch he’s sitting on. Michael and Calum headed straight for the showers after they got off stage while Ashton disappeared to have a chat with their stage manager. Luke is therefore left to his own devices in the dressing room while he waits for the rest to return so they can go grab dinner before travelling to the airport. They’re going straight from Mexico City to São Paulo, and while Luke is looking forward to getting to Brazil and having a whole day off there, he’s a little mournful that he won’t be getting any private time with Ashton until they’ve checked into the hotel in São Paulo sometime late tomorrow morning.</p><p>Not for the first time, Luke thinks to himself that Ashton’s right about how things would be a little easier for them if they told Michael and Calum about what they’re doing. They wouldn’t have to worry about being caught kissing, they wouldn’t have to worry about coming up with an explanation if they were caught cuddling, they would be able to venture off on their own, just the two of them, every once in a while throughout the tour without having to sneak off. It’s been a close call more than once when they’ve been on the road, too often they’ve found themselves scrambling off and away from each other only a split second before Michael or Calum, or both, came into view.</p><p>Luke wonders if their luck will run out before they get a chance to share the news.</p><p>As if on cue, Ashton enters the dressing room just then, and he does a quick sweep of it with his eyes before he plonks himself down sideways in Luke’s lap. “Hey,” he says. His eyes still carry hints of the fiery adrenaline from the show, and his whole body is damp with sweat.</p><p>“You smell,” Luke says, cupping Ashton’s face with his hands. “Is it weird that I think it’s kinda hot?”</p><p>Ashton grins. “A little, but you kinda smell, too, and I find it sexy, so…”</p><p>Tipping his head back, Luke drops his hands to Ashton’s back before he kisses him briefly. “Good, we’re equally gross and weird, then,” he murmurs.</p><p>“I’d say you’re weirder, since I’m definitely grosser,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“I’m grosser, because I’m four times as sweaty as you are, which makes you weirder, since you find my sweatiness hot.”</p><p>“Bottom line is that you should stop sweating so much, so that I can be a little less weird.”</p><p>“Alright, I’ll bring it up with the doctor when I go in to get tested for STDs.”</p><p>Luke frowns, confused and a little nervous for a moment, before he realises what Ashton’s talking about. “Oh, yeah,” he then says, smiling widely as he leans in for another kiss. “Gotta make sure you’re all clean before you stick it to me bare.”</p><p>“You gotta get tested, too,” Ashton says, lips brushing against Luke’s. “But yeah.”</p><p>“Kinda looking forward to not having to bother with condoms,” Luke says, shifting a little under Ashton’s weight. “‘S gonna be nice. I think. I’ve never… you know, been on the receiving end without one.”</p><p>“It’s gonna be messy, that’s for sure.”</p><p>“Same as when you fuck a girl without one, then.”</p><p>“Which means you’re just gonna have to stuff your own fingers up there to keep it all from running out while I fetch a towel.”</p><p>“Lovely image.”</p><p>“Pretty hot if you ask me,” Ashton says.</p><p>Luke laughs. “Sure, whatever you say.”</p><p>Their lips meet in another kiss, slow and languid this time. Luke’s body is sore and exhausted from the show and though his dick starts reacting after a couple of minutes, he doesn’t think he’d have the energy to take the kiss further even if they were somewhere private. Ashton seems to be on the same wavelength; he’s half-hard in his pants, Luke notices when he drags his knuckles absentmindedly over his crotch, but his hands are gentle and lazy as they touch Luke’s face, neck, chest, shoulders.</p><p>“So, tomorrow,” Luke says, pulling back to be able to look Ashton in the eyes without going cross eyed. “We’ve got most of the day off, right? Two interviews early in the afternoon and that’s that?”</p><p>“Yeah. Then one more interview on Wednesday before the show.”</p><p>“But we should be done before dinner time tomorrow, right?”</p><p>“Unless the interviews really drag on,” Ashton says. “Why?”</p><p>“Cal and Michael said they wanted to go exploring tomorrow afternoon slash evening, see the city and all.”</p><p>Ashton hums. “Okay, you wanna join them?”</p><p>“No, I… I was thinking we could opt out if they ask us to come, and we could go grab dinner somewhere instead?” Smiling tentatively, Luke pushes Ashton’s hair behind his ear. “I may have… you know, looked up some restaurants that aren’t too far from the hotel, so I’ve got some options ready if you’re… interested.”</p><p>Raising one eyebrow, Ashton smiles. “Are you asking me on a date?”</p><p>“Maybe? We haven’t really… been on one yet, so…”</p><p>“We went out for dinner when we were home,” Ashton points out.</p><p>“Yeah, because we were both starving after all those interviews, not because it was… you know, an actual date.”</p><p>“Ah, so you need it to be <i>official</i>,” Ashton sniggers. “Alright, I’ll go on a date with you, but you better dress nicely <i>and</i> come pick me up.”</p><p>“And by ‘pick you up’, you mean come knocking on your hotel room door?”</p><p>“Yup, it’s what I deserve.”</p><p>Luke giggles, planting a kiss to Ashton’s jaw. “Fine, I’ll dress nicely and pick you up, since it’s what you <i>deserve</i> appa—” He doesn’t get further before he finds himself being shoved to the side and his lap is suddenly Ashton-free. It takes him all of two seconds to realise why — loud voices are quickly approaching on the other side of the door, and Luke barely has enough time to try and compose himself before the door slams open and Michael and Calum enter. They’re both freshly showered and appear to be in the middle of an argument.</p><p>“I’ll pay the entire fucking crew to leave your ass here,” Michael says to Calum as they sit down on the couch opposite of the one Luke and Ashton are on.</p><p>“You’d leave me in the city while the rest of you go to the airport because I wanna go out for dinner,” Calum deadpans.</p><p>“No, I’d leave you in the city if you <i>did</i> go out to dinner when we can just get take out and eat it comfortably in the car on our way to the airport and by doing that, we don’t risk missing our flight.”</p><p>“Excuse me for wanting to sit at an actual table,” Calum snaps.</p><p>“Then grab dinner at the fucking airport,” Michael says, throwing his hands in the air. “There are restaurants there, aren’t there?”</p><p>“It’s not the <i>same</i>,” Calum says.</p><p>Michael groans. “Fucking hell, we can go out for dinner tomorrow if you’re so desperate to sit at a table, okay? I’ll take you somewhere nice and I’ll wine and dine you.”</p><p>“And afterwards you’ll take me to bed?”</p><p>“Sure, honey.”</p><p>“Thanks, sweetie.” Seemingly appeased, Calum turns to Luke and Ashton. “Hi.”</p><p>“Hi,” Luke says. “So… dinner at the airport or in the car?”</p><p>“Airport,” Ashton says. He’s dug out his phone and is eyeing the screen with a contemplative expression. “They have a restaurant there that serves Mexican food.”</p><p>“Oh, cool, you can get Mexican food in Mexico?” Luke can’t help but snark. “Good job, Ash, hunting down the one place around here where we can get Mexican food.”</p><p>“I know you think you’re funny, Luke, but you’re really not,” Michael says. “Airport it is. When’s the car picking us up?”</p><p>Throwing a look at the watch on his wrist, Calum says, “Thirty minutes, give or take.”</p><p>“Gives you two—” He looks at Luke and Ashton “—time for a shower and me time for a twenty minute nap,” Michael says while he curls up on the couch, his feet resting in Calum’s lap. “Wake me up when it’s time to go.”</p><p>“Or we’ll just leave you here, seeing as you had no qualms whatsoever about leaving <i>me</i> here,” Calum says. “We’ve played a show without you once, we could easily do it again.”</p><p>“Okay, I’ll just book a flight home when I wake up, then,” Michael says without opening his eyes. “See you guys back in LA.”</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>There’s no getting out of Michael and Calum’s city exploration the next day. Luke tries, and as does Ashton, but they’re eventually guilt tripped into joining when Calum points out that they’ve spent little time together throughout the last half of the tour as a foursome unless it’s been for band-related purposes. Though he probably doesn’t intend it as a guilt trip, it does nothing to change the fact that Luke <i>feels</i> guilty, because he knows Calum is right, and he also knows that it’s mostly his and Ashton’s fault for having excused and lied their way out of a number of social activities in favor of spending time together just the two of them.</p><p>So, while Luke and Ashton’s date-plan is ruined, they all have a nice day exploring São Paulo, and when nighttime comes around and Michael suggests that they go clubbing, Luke agrees, ignoring how badly he wants to get Ashton alone behind a closed door. It’s fun, is the thing, to spend time together, all four of them, and it makes Luke feel bad. Granted, they’ve all been guilty in the past of ditching the others for a girl, but this feels decidedly different. Though he prefers not to think about it, Luke knows it’s to a large degree because there’s an abundance of secrets and lies involved this time around, which has never been the case in the past.</p><p>They return to LA early in the afternoon on June 7th. Three of them do, that is, with Calum having opted to stay in Brazil for a few days for an impromptu vacation. When they’re in the car on their way from LAX, Michael vows to go straight to bed when he comes home and sleep for a week straight, and Luke agrees with a sleepy grunt. Ashton has already dozed off, his head resting against the car window.</p><p>As it always does, it takes a couple of days for Luke’s head to readjust after a tour ends. Restlessness plagues him as he wanders around the house their second day back, and when the clock strikes eight in the evening, he grabs Petunia and her food and drives to Ashton’s place. Not spending every waking moment together may be healthy, but Luke reckons that getting Ashton to fuck him into next week is pretty healthy, too. It does little to kill his restlessness, but at least it makes him tired enough that he’s able to fall asleep in the guest bedroom afterwards.</p><p>Nerves are starting to announce their arrival when only a few days remain until the release of <i>Youngblood</i>. They’re all feeling it and they’re all expressing it in different ways. Calum keeps texting them in the group chat with questions regarding whether or not they’re <i>certain</i> that they’re happy with the album, and no matter how many times they say that yes, they’re certain and that even if they weren’t, it’d be far too late to do anything about it, he doesn’t stop. Michael’s nerves, predictably enough, make their presence known through a short fuse, a truly ridiculous amount of swear words and more sarcastic remarks than strictly necessary. Then there’s Ashton, who can’t seem to stop going over the song lyrics, practising the drums for each song, and staring at the cover art for what to Luke feels like hours on end.</p><p>Luke can feel himself get withdrawn as the release date approaches. His thoughts and worries and desperate hope that <i>someone</i> will like the album that they’ve worked so hard on and are so proud of won’t leave him alone for more than half an hour here and half an hour there. It makes it difficult to sleep, it leads him to snap at Ashton for no good reason one afternoon and it reaches a high when he’s hanging out at Michael’s place one evening and has to excuse himself to the bathroom to stave off an oncoming panic attack.</p>
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  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, June 15th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>It happens when Luke least expects it, probably because he wasn’t expecting it to happen at all anytime soon, much less without any premonition whatsoever, in the middle of the night, only a few hours before <i>Youngblood</i> is set to drop. Stark naked and sticky with half-dried sweat where he’s hovering over Ashton, propped up on one elbow, he breaks the slow, lazy kissing session they’ve been engaged in for the last few minutes.<p>He smiles and bumps his nose against Ashton’s, mumbling, “See you tomorrow,” before he shuffles off the bed and searches the floor for his underwear.</p><p>“Luke?”</p><p>Straightening up as he pulls his boxers on, Luke looks at Ashton. “Yeah?”</p><p>With a few uncharacteristically nervous flutters of his eyelids, Ashton sits up, pulling the covers over his lower half. Basketing his legs in front of himself, he smiles tiredly. “Stay here tonight? If you want to, I mean.”</p><p>Luke’s lips part on their own initiative, and his arms go completely limp where they’re hanging along his sides. “I… for real?” he asks, his voice weak. He doesn’t wait for Ashton to give a response before he tugs his underwear off again and sits down on the edge of the bed. Biting his lip, he asks, “Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m sure.” As if to prove his point, Ashton lies back down and holds the covers up for Luke to crawl in under.</p><p>Having no intentions whatsoever of wasting the opportunity, Luke all but dives in and gets comfortable with his head tucked under Ashton’s chin and one arm flung across Ashton’s abdomen. Ashton stretches his arm over his head to flip the light switch, and then there’s nothing but compact darkness surrounding them.</p><p>Luke closes his eyes, letting himself smile sleepily as he rubs his nose against Ashton’s chest. “Thanks for… making the effort,” he mumbles. “To… you know, make yourself comfortable with… this.”</p><p>Humming softly, Ashton weaves his fingers through Luke’s hair and presses a kiss to his temple. “You’re worth the effort,” he murmurs, lips brushing against Luke’s hairline.</p><p>“That was really sappy,” Luke giggles.</p><p>“I was going for ‘romantic’, but okay.”</p><p>Luke hums. “The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Aren’t most romantic gestures kinda sappy by default? I mean, flowers and chocolates and poems and all that crap, it’s all pretty… yeah. Sappy.”</p><p>“What, so if I got you flowers and chocolates and wrote you a poem for Valentine’s, you’d mock me for it?” Ashton asks. “Well, there goes that plan. Thanks, Luke.”</p><p>“There’s no fucking way you’ve already made any plans for Valentine’s,” Luke says flatly. “For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve never laid Valentine’s plans until, like, literally two days in advance. Sometimes not even that.”</p><p>Ashton makes a noncommittal sound, his thumb drawing absentminded circles at the back of Luke’s neck. “Yeah, well, maybe I found someone who’s worth a little more than a plan made one day in advance.”</p><p>“Oh my God, that was even more sappy!”</p><p>“You know what? I’m just gonna stop trying to be sweet, since you don’t appreciate it anyway.”</p><p>“I never said I don’t appreciate it,” Luke argues. “It’s just… I don’t know. I’m not used to it. No one I’ve ever dated has been particularly… you know.”</p><p>“Sappy?” Ashton guesses, voice dry, and Luke chuckles. “So, what you’re saying is that you’re pretty much starved for some sappiness and that I need to up my game?”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s exactly it. Please drown me in sappiness from here on out.”</p><p>“You got it, baby. I’ll go fetch you some roses before you wake up tomorrow morning.”</p><p>“Hm. Roses are nice. Especially those… orange ones. Or the champagne-coloured ones, those are really nice.”</p><p>“Duly noted.” There’s a moment of silence before Ashton adds, “You don’t actually mind, do you? Sappiness, or whatever you wanna call it.”</p><p>“No, not really,” Luke says. “I might have, if it was someone else, but…”</p><p>“Now who’s being sappy?”</p><p>“Oh, shut up. You know what I mean, it’s… you know. I’ve known you for years, so I know that everything you say is, like, genuine, and not just… empty words and promises or whatever. That goes a long way in removing the cringiness of anything sappy that may or may not come out of your mouth.”</p><p>Ashton’s quiet for a long time. The room’s dark, but when Luke hoists himself up on one elbow to look at his face, he’s able to make out Ashton’s soft smile and how his eyes are brimming with emotions. It hits Luke like an anvil, hard enough that it’s nearly punched out of him, the urge to lean in and whisper, “I love you,” against Ashton’s lips. He’d mean it in a way he’s never meant it when saying it to anyone else, and he wants Ashton to know that, wants him to know that Luke loves him, that Luke’s <i>in love</i> with him. But he can’t bring himself to say it, a warning bell in the back of his mind preventing it, a taunting voice that asks Luke what he’ll do if the admission is poorly received. The answer to the question is easy — Luke’s heart would break and he’d have nowhere to go but back to his own house to escape the humiliation.</p><p>He’s far from courageous enough to make that move. He’s happy with what he and Ashton have, and though he knows they’re going to have to take a step in this or that direction in their relationship sooner or later, he doesn’t want to move his feet right now. So, instead, he scoots a little further up and kisses Ashton, slow at first, then with more intent when Ashton’s hands make their way from Luke’s back to his waist, then to his ass.</p><p>Luke laughs breathlessly when he feels Ashton half-hard’s dick against his hip, and asks, “Again? Really?” He’s not dignified with a response before Ashton pushes him over on his back, getting settled between his legs before he grabs a hold of Luke’s dick and starts stroking him. Despite being sore from earlier and more than just a little tired, it doesn’t take long before Luke’s gripping onto Ashton’s thighs, moaning and fucking desperately up into Ashton’s hand as he spills all over his own stomach. Boneless and more tired than ever, he can’t bring himself to do anything but lie there and drag his fingers up and down Ashton’s thighs as Ashton jerks himself off, gasping softly as he finishes all over the mess on Luke’s front.</p><p>Ashton gets up once he’s come down, and returns a few minutes later with two washcloths and a bottle of water. Settling down next to Luke, he gently cleans Luke up before tossing the washcloths to the floor.</p><p>“Dirty,” Luke mumbles, eyelids slipping shut as he rolls over on his side and Ashton pulls the covers over them both.</p><p>“Sadly not anymore,” Ashton says. “I kinda like you covered in my cum.”</p><p>Luke snuffles. “Gross.”</p><p>“No, no, it’s sexy. Possessive, or something.”</p><p>“Possessiveness isn’t sexy, you dick,” Luke slurs. He’s drifting off as he speaks, and by the time Ashton responds, he’s too far gone to catch the words. It probably doesn’t matter.</p><p> </p>
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</div><p> </p><p>An almost nauseating feeling of excitement is what wakes Luke up a few hours later. He has no notion of what time it is, but sunlight is peeking in through the curtains, Ashton’s not lying next to him, and unless his nose is deceiving him, a vague scent of coffee is hanging in the air. While a part of him wants to grab his phone to check the general reactions to the album, he opts against it in favour of getting dressed in a pair of Ashton’s pyjama pants and a t-shirt, foregoing underwear and socks.</p><p>He finds Ashton in the kitchen, naked save for a pair of cut-off trackies. A bowl of cut-up fruit, a plate of toasted bread, a chunk of butter and a can of coffee is ready on the dining table, and Ashton’s flipping bacon in a frying pan while four eggs are making themselves on the plate to its right. Another item on the table catches Luke’s attention then, and he smiles and blushes slightly as he pads over to Ashton and hooks his chin over his shoulder.</p><p>“You actually went out and got me orange roses?” he asks, pressing a quick kiss to Ashton’s cheek.</p><p>“They didn’t have champagne-coloured ones,” Ashton says as he leans into Luke. “Food’s ready in a couple of minutes.”</p><p>“It’s shaping up to be a good day so far. Album's out, roses on the table, good breakfast, half-naked boyf—” Luke clamps his mouth shut before the last syllable can tumble out, and stills completely. Ashton doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t even move, but the bacon is in need of flipping and he doesn’t seem to notice despite looking right at it. Taking a deep breath, Luke steps back. “Sorry. I… reflex, I guess. I didn’t mean to—”</p><p>“No, it’s okay,” Ashton says, clearing his throat. “You know where I stand on it, so if you want—”</p><p>Ashton never gets a chance to finish the sentence as Luke’s phone starts ringing just then. Part relieved, part agitated, he pulls the phone out of his pocket and looks at the display. “It’s Cal, I should probably… you know.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, go ahead,” Ashton says. He sounds defeated, and Luke’s heart clenches when he notices the slight hunch in Ashton’s back, the way his head is hanging an inch lower than it did three minutes ago. He wonders briefly if his unwillingness to put an actual label on what they’re doing is causing Ashton more grief than he’s inclined to let on.</p><p>Though Luke has allowed himself to hope that <i>Youngblood</i> would be positively received by the fans, he still almost cries with relief and happiness when all four of them are gathered at Michael’s place that afternoon and Ashton reads Tweet after Tweet after Tweet that all are more or less singing their praises. They have yet to read an actual review, but they don’t care about that for the time being.</p><p>“What’s the most important is that we’ve made something we’re proud of and that the fans love it,” Michael states, raising the beer he’s nursing in a silent toast that they all return. “And that the label is happy, I guess. Would be kinda shit if they decided to drop us over an album because they hated it.”</p><p>“Could they even do that?” Luke asks.</p><p>Michael shrugs his shoulders. “No idea. Probably, if it ends up selling really badly.”</p><p>“I feel like we should have a better grasp on the business side of the industry after all these years,” Calum muses.</p><p>“We tried to learn it properly a couple of years back, remember?” Ashton says with a snort. “We gave up about fifteen minutes in because you, Cal, thought it was boring.”</p><p>Calum shrugs, unperturbed. “I don’t remember that, but it probably was.”</p><p>They spend the rest of the day drinking beer, listening to the album on repeat, and returning texts and calls from family, friends, people they’ve worked with to get the album ready, and miscellaneous suits from the label. By the time the clock strikes midnight, they’re all sufficiently drunk, but despite his distorted vision, Luke takes notice of the fact that Ashton’s had the fewest drinks of them all. Luke, on the other hand, has had the most, and the other three keep laughing at him as he dances, stumbles, giggles, takes his shirt off and uses it to wipe up the wine he just spilled on the floor.</p><p>“Sorry, Mikey,” he says as he staggers back onto his feet, throwing his now ruined t-shirt on the floor before he falls back down onto the couch, landing halfway in Ashton’s lap.</p><p>“Fucking hell,” Ashton grunts as he shifts under Luke’s weight. “You weigh a ton, go sit somewhere else.”</p><p>“No,” Luke says. Grinning, he pokes Ashton’s cheek. “Pretty.”</p><p>Ashton blinks, his eyes flickering to look at Michael and Calum for a second. “Time for bed, I think,” he says as he stands up, pulling Luke up with him. “What room’s available, Mike?”</p><p>“Cal grabbed the one by the bathroom, so any of them but that.”</p><p>“I want the one downstairs, it has the best bed,” Luke says as he hangs off of Ashton, nuzzling his neck. He smells good. Like comfort and home and love and sex. Luke likes that about Ashton. He wonders if everyone thinks Ashton smells like sex, or if it’s just Luke who thinks so. It’s probably the latter, he reckons, because he doesn’t recall ever having thought Ashton smelled like sex before they started fucking.</p><p>Luke lets himself be led down the stairs and into his bedroom of choice, and he doesn’t waste a second before he strips naked and gets on the bed. Settling on his back, he spreads his legs and giggles at Ashton, who’s standing in the doorway. “Wanna fuck?”</p><p>A fond smile tugs at the corners of Ashton’s lips, and he shakes his head. “In Michael’s house with him and Cal right upstairs, and when you’re probably too drunk to get it up?” he asks. “I say we wait until tomorrow.”</p><p>Luke frowns, planting his elbows on the mattress to hoist himself up. “But you’re sexy and I want you.”</p><p>“And you’re adorable and I want you, too, but I’ll still want you tomorrow,” Ashton says. “Get some sleep, yeah?”</p><p>“I— no, stay,” Luke says when Ashton starts backing out of the room. “Please?”</p><p>Ashton smiles. “We’re gonna get caught.”</p><p>“Yeah, but…” Luke pouts. “I only got to start actually <i>sleeping</i> with you yesterday. ‘M not ready to give it up yet.”</p><p>“It’s just until tomorrow, Luke,” Ashton says as he walks over to the bed and bends down to give Luke a quick kiss on the lips.</p><p>“Can we at least have phonesex?”</p><p>Ashton laughs and pecks Luke’s nose. “You want me to go to bed somewhere else in this house and call you so we can have phonesex?”</p><p>Luke smiles brightly. “Yes, please. I’m horny.”</p><p>“Jesus Christ, you’re impossible,” Ashton laughs. “You know what? I’m gonna go finish my drink and grab something to eat, then I’ll go to bed and call you, and if you’re still awake by then, we can have phonesex. Okay?”</p><p>“Oh, I’ll be awake,” Luke says happily as he lets himself sink back into the pillows and yanks the covers over himself.</p><p>It takes him all of thirty seconds to drift off after Ashton’s left the room, and his phone ringing in the pocket of his jeans on the floor doesn’t wake him up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Part 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Gonna save the notes for the end of the chapter for this one!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, June 17th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Promo cycles have a tendency to leave Luke drained in every way imaginable, so when they finish up a day of doing interviews and he actually has a hint of energy left, it’s quite a pleasant surprise. He reckons it helps that the radio stations they visited were either hosted by professionals or by people they’ve known for years, all of whom asked decent questions that didn’t make him want to slam his head repeatedly against the microphone. Not to mention being told by Elvis Duran how well <i>Youngblood</i> is doing on the charts around the world; that certainly didn’t hurt.<p>“Wanna elaborate on that little anecdote you shared in there, Ash?” Michael asks as they’re walking out of the last radio station of the day and onto the parking lot where a car is waiting to pick them up to drive them home.</p>
<p>“And do <i>you</i> wanna elaborate on the fact that you’re ‘working on a little something’, Luke?” Calum chimes in.</p>
<p>Luke is spared from having to answer as they reach the car just then, and the conversation halts as they climb in and get their seatbelts on. He pulls his phone out and starts tapping aimlessly at the screen, hoping Michael and Calum will forget about the whole thing if he gives it a few minutes. He sincerely doubts it, though, and if he could take back what he said in there, he would; mostly because he just shared with the entire world that he’s not as single as he’s been pretending to be, but also because he now has to either lie or come clean to Michael and Calum, and… this isn’t how he wanted to share the news with them. Then again, the mere thought of outright lying to them makes him want to shrink in on himself with guilt.</p>
<p>“What anecdote, Mike?” Ashton asks.</p>
<p>“The one about how you’ve had sex to one of our songs,” Michael says, grinning widely. “I want the story and I wanna know what song it was.”</p>
<p>Luke looks up for a split second to look at Ashton, who’s sitting right across from him, before glancing back down at his phone.</p>
<p>“It was ages ago, I can’t remember who it was with,” Ashton lies smoothly. “We were fucking on the couch and a random playlist on my phone was on in the background and <i>Don’t Stop</i> came on, end of story.” </p>
<p>At least it’s not a complete and total lie, Luke thinks. </p>
<p>Calum throws his head back and laughs loudly. “Of all our songs. What, was she sucking you off when the chorus came on and you just sang along, like, ‘Don’t stop doing what you’re doing’?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, because that wouldn’t be disturbing at all,” Ashton says flatly. Luke resists the urge to laugh. “New topic, please.”</p>
<p>“Alright, Luke, you’re up,” Calum says. “Since when are you seeing someone? Not that you <i>have</i> to tell us everything or whatever, but it seems like an odd thing not to share.”</p>
<p>Luke’s pulse rises for each word out of Calum’s mouth, and by the end, his heart feels like it’s all the way up in his throat, pressing against his vocal cords, making it difficult to get as much as a word out. He clears his throat and keeps his eyes firmly locked on his phone when he responds.</p>
<p>“It’s just a… person,” he says. “You don’t— I mean, I haven’t… it’s brand new, this… thing between me and… them. I haven’t told anyone. Except my parents.”</p>
<p>“Until just now, when you told the general public,” Calum states. “Good going, Luke, nice of you to share it with us at the same time as with literally everyone else in the entire fucking world. Your trust means a lot.”</p>
<p>“Cal…” Ashton sighs.</p>
<p>“I know, I know,” Calum barks, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “It’s his life and all, but a tiny heads up before he spilled the beans on national radio so we didn’t have to sit there looking like deer caught in headlights on camera would have been nice.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, too late now,” Michael says, and he sounds less annoyed, more curious. “Wanna tell us who it is?”</p>
<p>Luke shakes his head, still not looking up. “No, it’s… I’ll introduce you to them soon. Just not… I’m not ready quite yet. But soon.”</p>
<p>No one says anything for a long time. The car takes them through LA in direction of Michael’s house to drop him off first. Luke lifts his eyes eventually, but only to look out the window. It’s a cloudy day, the temperature barely breaking twenty degrees celsius; everything looks dull outside with no sun to create contrasts or to illuminate the people strolling or bicycling by on the footpath. It goes well with the throbbing anxiety that’s lodged itself into a crevice in Luke’s chest, trying to push his lungs down to his stomach. His hands are getting clammy where they’re clutching onto his phone, and his scalp feels boiling hot under his hair.</p>
<p>“Hey, Luke?” says Michael when they’re pulling up his street.</p>
<p>Luke keeps his eyes out the window. “Hm?”</p>
<p>“It’s fine if you don’t wanna talk about it, but you kept saying ‘them’.” Pause. “Instead of ‘she’”. Another pause. “Is it a guy?”</p>
<p>Luke presses his lips together and nods, but doesn’t say anything.</p>
<p>“Is it the guy you were supposed to meet up with when we were in Singapore?” Michael asks.</p>
<p>Once again, Luke doesn’t say a word, simply giving a response in the form of a shake of his head.</p>
<p>“Is that why you’ve been keeping it from us?” Calum asks, and his voice is far more demanding than Michael’s. “Fucking hell, mate, we know you like guys, you told us ages ago, you can’t seriously think we’d have a problem with it?”</p>
<p>“Calum,” Ashton says sharply. “I know you think lashing out is the best way to get across that you’re confused or mad or that your fucking feelings are hurt, but it really isn’t.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, I <i>am</i> confused,” Calum snaps. “When the hell have any of us said or done anything that would give him the idea that we wouldn’t be fine with it if he wanted to date a guy? It’s—”</p>
<p>“Maybe you should take a moment to consider that it’s not about you,” Luke cuts in. Turning his head a hundred and eighty degrees, he meets Calum’s gaze, staring right into his eyes. “I’ve never dated a guy before, it’s all a little fucking scary, so excuse me for wanting to keep it to myself for a minute to get my head wrapped around the idea. I didn’t fucking mean to spill it on the radio, okay? It slipped out and the whole thing was live, so I couldn’t exactly take it back and ask them to edit it out, could I?”</p>
<p>Calum stares back and he appears to be considering whether to slap Luke across the face or fall back. In the end, he chooses the latter. Closing his eyes, he slumps further into his seat and exhales soundly. “Fine. I’m sorry,” he says, his eyes directed at Luke’s shoulder. “I know it’s none of my business, I just… fuck. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Breathing in deeply once, twice, thrice, Luke nods. “It’s fine. I’ll tell you more about it when I’m ready. Until then, please just… leave it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay,” Calum mumbles, and at least he has the decency to sound ashamed. “I’m happy for you, though, for what it’s worth. If <i>you’re</i> happy, I mean.”</p>
<p>Luke smiles and nods. “I’m happy, like… really happy. More so than I have been in ages.”</p>
<p>“I kinda wanna give you a hug, but we’re in a car and… seatbelts,” Calum says.</p>
<p>The car pulls up in front of Michael’s house, and he gives Luke’s knee a brief clutch before he bids them goodbye and jumps out. Calum’s house is the next stop, and the moment the car’s stopped and he’s removed his seatbelt, he leans closer to Luke and kisses his cheek swiftly, muttering, “I’m sorry,” before he slides out of the car and disappears through the gates. Though Ashton tells the driver that he’s fine to walk from there, she insists on driving him all the way home.</p>
<p>“Are you coming in or are you going home?” Ashton asks when they’re approaching his house.</p>
<p>“Petunia’s in there, remember? So, if nothing else, I have to come in to fetch her at least.” </p>
<p>Everything was something of a mess that morning — Luke slept at Ashton’s last night and he brought Petunia when he left his own house yesterday afternoon. However, he had to go back to his own house before they were picked up that morning to avoid rousing suspicion with Calum and Michael seeing as they were picked up before either Ashton or Luke. In his haste to make himself presentable, locate his car keys and plant enough kisses on Ashton to get them through the day, he forgot all about Petunia, so in addition to being a scatterbrain, he’s also the worst dog owner to grace the earth.</p>
<p>Once the driver has dropped them off and they’ve thanked her, Ashton speaks up. “You do realise how much easier this would all be if we just told them, right?” He sounds tired, and maybe a touch agitated. “This whole secrecy-thing isn’t… I don’t like it, Luke. I get that you don’t wanna come out to the world, but keeping it from Cal and Mike doesn’t feel right, and it makes our lives way more difficult than they need to be.”</p>
<p>Luke stuffs his hands in his pockets, keeping his eyes on the ground as he waits for Ashton to unlock the front door. “I know,” he says. “And… I wanna tell them, but I’m… I’m scared, Ash. Aren’t you?”</p>
<p>Ashton sighs as he opens the door and holds it open for Luke before he follows, closing and locking it behind them. “Of course I am, but I think there’s a bigger chance of it working out than of it going to hell.”</p>
<p>“Optimist,” Luke says with a soft chuckle. They head to the lounge, where Petunia greets them with a wagging tail and her tongue hanging out. She jumps into Luke’s lap the moment they’ve sat down on the couch, and spends a good minute or two sniffing his face before she gets comfortable between him and Ashton and falls asleep.</p>
<p>They sit in silence for a little bit before Luke speaks. “I wanna tell them, okay?” he says. “We just… gotta find the right time and place.”</p>
<p>Ashton purses his lips. “How long?”</p>
<p>He sounds so tired, so oddly emotionless, and a touch of fear grips Luke. “I— soon,” he says, and he hates how his voice breaks halfway through the word. “As soon as we can figure out a good way to do it, just— please don’t… please don’t give up on me, on us, I—”</p>
<p>“What?” Ashton cuts in, his eyes almost comically wide. “No, fucking hell, Luke, of course I’m not gonna— shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think I was giving up on anything. I’m just a little tired, I wouldn’t— no, no fucking way.” He closes his mouth, then opens it again, then closes it and gives Luke a soft smile. “I’d never give up on you, or on us, and especially not over something like this. Don’t ever think that. I think… I…” Trailing off, he rolls his lips while maintaining eye contact with Luke, as if he wants to say something, but can’t quite figure out how to. In the end, he remains silent, choosing to speak through a tender hand cupping Luke’s jaw.</p>
<p>Luke lets himself lean into it, lets it take away the remnants of the searing pain given to him by the fleeting moment of fear. And he acknowledges, if only to himself, that he’s well and truly in love; within the span of twenty seconds, Ashton was able to scare him half to death and then take said fear away just as easily. It would be a frightening realisation to come to if it was anyone but Ashton who held that sort of power over him, but as it is, it only makes him feel safe and sated.</p>
<p>“Oh, and by the way,” he says after a bit. “If you’re gonna have six to eight kids, it won’t be with me.”</p>
<p>Ashton grins. “No worries, I’m not expecting you to bear them all.”</p>
<p>Luke rolls his eyes. </p>
<p>He’s well and truly in love, and well and truly fucked, and it’s terrifyingly blissful.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, July 8th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>“Dude.” Ashton nudges Luke’s thigh with his foot. “Bro. Mate.”<p>Tearing his eyes away from the TV, Luke raises an eyebrow at Ashton. “What…?”</p>
<p>“Oh, nothing,” Ashton says breezily, a teasing glint in his eyes. “Just thought I’d play along with the mood you set in your <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bk9FuqUH4nA/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">Instagram post</a>. Calling me your brother and all. Bro.”</p>
<p>Luke opens his mouth, closes it, then shakes his head on a laugh. “What was I supposed to write then?”</p>
<p>“Exactly what you wrote, but minus the brother-part,” Ashton says. “Because that was a disturbing thing to read when your dick was in my mouth less than twelve hours ago.”</p>
<p>“Fine, want me to edit it?” Luke asks, grabbing his phone from the coffee table. “Someone’s gonna catch onto it if I do, though, mark my words.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, just don’t do it again, please,” Ashton says. He plants his feet in Luke’s lap and readjusts the blanket that’s covering them both. “You can be bros with Cal and Mike, but not with me.”</p>
<p>Putting his phone back on the table, Luke heaves an exaggeratedly deep sigh. “And here I was hoping you’d start calling me bro instead of baby. Too bad.”</p>
<p>“Sure, yeah, and while I’m at it, why don’t I just banish kissing for being too gay?”</p>
<p>“Okay, as long as you’ll keep sucking my dick, bro.”</p>
<p>“Of course, bro.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, bro.”</p>
<p>Ashton smiles, his eyes crinkling up. “Nah, sorry, but I don’t think I’d be able to stop kissing you even if I tried. Too damn cute, you are.”</p>
<p>Dragging his fingers over Ashton’s ankle, Luke hums. “Good, because I quite like kissing you.”</p>
<p>“It’s my superior kissing skills,” Ashton says with a sage nod. “So, are you sure about not wanting to celebrate your birthday?”</p>
<p>“Hey, I’m gonna celebrate it, I just… don’t want a party this year,” Luke says.</p>
<p>He made the decision to not throw himself a birthday party over a week ago, after having contemplated the matter for a couple of days. With all the promo they’ve been doing and with another tour kicking off in less than a month, Luke is more than happy with a more subdued celebration this year. The fact that it’s currently almost eleven p.m. and he’s still hungover from Ashton’s birthday party last night makes him even more confident that he’s made the right choice. </p>
<p>He tells Ashton as much, and Ashton nods. “If you’re sure,” he says. “So, just a quiet evening with the four of us is still what you want?”</p>
<p>“It’s still what I want,” Luke confirms.</p>
<p>“Okay. We’re not gonna… sample wine and eat cheese and watch pretentious French movies, though, are we?”</p>
<p>Luke raises his eyebrows and lets out a laugh. “Where the fuck did you get that idea? When have I <i>ever</i> expressed interest in that combination of activities?”</p>
<p>“Dunno, figured maybe you’d decided you wanted to be a proper adult or something,” Ashton says, raising his foot a little to poke Luke’s stomach with his big toe. “I hate to say it, but if you decide in ten years that you wanna invite Mike and Crystal over for some cheesy couple’s night with board games and all, I’m dumping your ass.”</p>
<p>Luke can feel his face soften, and he pulls his bottom lip in between his teeth. “You think we’ll still be… you know, this, us, in ten years?”</p>
<p>“That’s what you took from that?” Ashton demands. “No denial of one day wanting to do cheesy couple nights?”</p>
<p>“I can’t predict the future, but I’m probably not gonna want that, no,” Luke says with an impatient roll of his eyes. “Now answer my question.”</p>
<p>“Well, I can’t predict the future either, but…” Ashton smiles and a delicate dusting of pink rises on his cheeks. “I’d like to think so, yeah. If you’ll still have me by then.”</p>
<p>“As long as you’re still kissing me and sucking my dick.”</p>
<p>“You really know how to drag the romance out of a situation, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“Hey… we just shot a music video for a song called <i>Valentine</i>; I’m as romantic as they come.”</p>
<p>“I think you’re missing the point of the song, Luke.”</p>
<p>“Fuck you. I am who I am, take it or leave it.”</p>
<p>Heaving a deep sigh, Ashton shakes his head as he turns his attention back to the TV. “Guess I’ll take it,” he says after a beat of silence.</p>
<p>Luke opens his mouth to reply, but before he’s gotten a single word out, his phone starts vibrating with an incoming call. “Hold that thought,” he says as he grabs his phone and checks the caller ID.</p>
<p>“I’d rather not,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>Sticking his tongue out, Luke answers the call with a, “Hey, dad.”</p>
<p>“<i>Hey, kiddo, how are you?</i>”</p>
<p>“I’m good, just… you know, chilling on the couch, watching some crappy reality on TV, making sure my brain stays rotten and all.”</p>
<p>“<i>Good to hear,</i>” Andy chuckles. “<i>Is that your own couch or Ashton’s couch you’re chilling on, then?</i>”</p>
<p>Luke doesn’t have to ask to understand the implication behind the question. Throwing a quick glance at Ashton, he swallows. “Ashton’s,” he says. “Mum told you?”</p>
<p>“<i>A couple of weeks ago. I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner, it took me a little while to process the information.</i>”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I… I get that.” Ashton is eyeing him quizzically, so Luke smiles and wraps his fingers around Ashton’s ankle, squeezing it reassuringly. “How… I mean, are we okay? I know it was probably a lot to swallow at once, both the… me-part of it all and then the part that included Ash, but… are we good or are you gonna, like…” Luke chuckles a little before finishing with a stilted, “Disown me or something?”</p>
<p>Andy laughs on the other end. “<i>No, Luke, I’m not going to disown you. I was surprised, though.</i>”</p>
<p>“That’s… yeah, fair, I guess,” Luke says with a small cough. “What… I mean, because of me not being… you know, exclusively into girls, or because I chose to— or, well, because it’s Ash, of all people?”</p>
<p>“<i>I think I’ve been telling you since you were old enough to get the meaning of the phrase that you shouldn’t shit where you eat,</i>” Andy starts, “<i>but you were never all that good at listening to what I said, so the fact that you ignored that particular advice isn’t that big a shock.</i>”</p>
<p>Luke blurts out a laugh, sliding a little further down on the couch before he swings his legs up to rest on the coffee table. “Sorry. Some of the other stuff stuck, though, like… righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. And how to change the brake fluid on my car.”</p>
<p>“<i>That’s good to hear, considering Jack still calls me up for help every time he has to change the brake fluid on </i>his<i> car. Glad to know my lessons stuck with at least one of you. Does he and Ben know, by the way? About you? Or about you and Ashton?</i>”</p>
<p>Luke’s mind flashes back approximately five and a half years, to the day he was set to leave his family, his home, everything he knew, to go to London, only a couple of hours before he was going to the airport. He’d had his first kiss with a guy at a party only a few days prior, and his head was a mess, confused and scared and unwilling to accept that maybe he enjoyed kissing boys as much as he enjoyed kissing girls. Jack and Ben cornered him in his bedroom as he was packing, and Jack punched his shoulder and asked him why the hell he’d been so quiet and withdrawn lately. </p>
<p>And Luke remembers being tempted to lie and say that he was just nervous about the move, but what came out was tears and a stuttering confession about how he was pretty sure he liked boys as well as girls. A silence came after that and Luke sat on his bed, staring at the floor, until Ben sighed loudly and told him that it didn’t matter, that he’d make it with this band anyway and that they’d all love him all the same. Jack didn’t say much at all, choosing to show his support in the shape of a sideways hug and a mumble of, “It’s okay. We love you.”</p>
<p>Returning to the present, Luke blinks a couple of times to clear his mind before he says, “They know about <i>me</i>, I haven’t told them about Ash.”</p>
<p>“<i>Okay,</i>” Andy says. “<i>And you’re happy? He’s… he’s nice to you?</i>”</p>
<p>A surprised chuckle escapes Luke before he can smother it. “It’s… it’s Ashton, dad. Of course he’s nice to me.”</p>
<p>“<i>Yeah, well, I have to make sure, don’t I?</i>” comes a muttering response. “<i>Is he there?</i>”</p>
<p>“Yeah, he’s right next to me.”</p>
<p>“<i>Put him on.</i>”</p>
<p>“What? No, dad, I’m not—” Huffing, Luke rolls his eyes in response to Ashton’s curious expression. “Just because I’m seeing a guy, that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly a daughter that you have to protect from the big, bad… whatever.”</p>
<p>“<i>I just want to talk to him, Luke. If it makes you feel any better, I had the same talk with Celeste not that long ago.</i>”</p>
<p>“Fucking hell, dad, Ashton’s watching TV, he doesn’t wanna—”</p>
<p>“Ashton is right here and he can make his own decisions,” Ashton chimes in. Holding his hand out, he raises his eyebrows. “Come on, baby. Time to meet the parents. Sort of.”</p>
<p>“You’ve met both of my parents, like… five million times,” Luke says, holding his hand over the microphone. “You lived in the same house as my mum for God knows how long. She did your laundry and cooked you breakfast at fuck o’clock in the morning and made sure you went to bed at a reasonable hour.”</p>
<p>Leaning forward, Ashton yanks Luke’s phone out of his hand. “And this is a completely different situation,” he says before he raises the phone to his ear and says, “Hi, Andy.”</p>
<p>Slumping back against the couch, Luke can’t do anything but remain a helpless witness to Ashton talking animatedly about everything beneath the sun. It feels odd to be with a person who he knows will get along with his parents, someone who <i>has</i> gotten along with his parents for several years already, because it’s a first. While his mum didn’t say or do anything that necessarily indicated direct approval when she found out, Luke knows her well enough to know that he’d know if she <i>didn’t</i> approve.</p>
<p>Wordlessly, Luke gets on all fours and clambers across the couch, slumping down with his upper body in Ashton’s lap. Ashton is still on the phone, but he smiles softly down at Luke and combs his fingers through Luke’s hair as he listens to whatever Andy is saying on the other end. An urge to say something, to ask for something, to confess to something, plummets through Luke as he stares into Ashton’s eyes. Maybe, he thinks, he would be able to gather the courage to say something if Ashton wasn’t on the phone. Ashton <i>is</i> on the phone, however, so Luke settles for pressing a kiss to his knuckles before he nuzzles his face into the soft, familiar warmth of Ashton’s abdomen.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, July 22nd 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>“I’m beat and I’m gonna sleep until we fly off to Japan,” Luke declares as he unlocks his front door and steps aside to let Ashton in.<p>“Yeah?” Ashton asks as he bends down to greet Petunia with a couple of head scratches. “Who’s gonna take care of this one, then?”</p>
<p>“I was thinking you,” Luke says.</p>
<p>“Oh, sure, can’t be arsed to take care of your child, so you shove the responsibility over on me.”</p>
<p>Petunia is too busy licking Ashton’s hand to pay any attention whatsoever to Luke as he steps past them towards the lounge. “I don’t think she’d mind,” he says over his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Well, I would,” Ashton calls after him. “I never signed up to be a co-parent.”</p>
<p>“It was implied, you knew I had her when we started this thing, so there you go.” Grinning, Luke rounds a corner and doesn’t catch Ashton’s response.</p>
<p>The clock is barely three in the afternoon, and yet Luke feels like he’s been awake, up and about for two days straight. What started out as an early breakfast date ended up as a full-blown shopping trip that took them around what Luke is fairly certain was half of LA. As he drops the numerous bags he’s carrying onto the floor next to the couch and inspects them, he thinks to himself that he's likely dropped so much money on clothes and shoes that his mum would faint if she found out the exact amount.</p>
<p>Ashton comes walking up behind him, Petunia trailing right behind, and hooks his chin over Luke’s shoulder. “I still maintain that you should’ve gotten those thigh-high leather boots,” he says.</p>
<p>Reaching behind himself to grab Ashton’s arms and fold them around himself, Luke smiles. “The only reason I even tried them on was because you insisted, I was never gonna buy them.”</p>
<p>“Thought maybe you’d be persuaded when you saw how good you looked in them.”</p>
<p>“I looked like a go-go dancer.”</p>
<p>Ashton flattens his hands against Luke’s stomach and brushes his lips against Luke’s ear, pressing a featherlight kiss right underneath it. “A really hot one. Can I have you naked in those boots for Christmas?”</p>
<p>Baring his neck to give Ashton better access, Luke closes his eyes as he traces his hand up and down the side of Ashton’s thigh. A soft whine catches in his throat when Ashton drags his teeth over the soft skin over his pulsepoint, and he digs his fingers into the coarse fabric of Ashton’s jeans.</p>
<p>“Didn’t know you had a thing for boots, of all things,” he mumbles.</p>
<p>“If they’re thigh-high and leather, you bet your ass I do. Fishnet stockings are nice, too.”</p>
<p>“Oh, jeez,” Luke says; he means for it to sound exasperated, but it comes out as more of a moan. “Wouldn’t they just get in the way?”</p>
<p>“Not if you rip them open in strategic places,” Ashton murmurs. Ever so slowly, he lowers one hand until his palm is pressing against the growing bulge in Luke’s pants. Applying the faintest hint of pressure, he asks, “Would you do it, if I asked?”</p>
<p>“I don’t…” Luke grunts softly as he trails off, feeling a little dizzy with arousal. “I don’t know— shit, I don’t know if you’re serious or not, but it’s… kinda hard to think right now.” </p>
<p>“Hm. Got my results from the doctor yesterday afternoon. You get yours?”</p>
<p>The implication has Luke let out a trembling gust of air. “Two days ago. ‘M all good.”</p>
<p>“Me, too.”</p>
<p>“Okay, so can— can we—”</p>
<p>He doesn’t get any further before Ashton spins him around and crashes their lips together. It escalates from vertical kisses to Ashton fucking into him on the bed in a matter of twenty minutes. Luke’s arms are tightly wound around Ashton’s back, his legs bent at the knee and spread wide to accommodate Ashton.</p>
<p>“Harder, please,” he breathes when his dick gives a twitch.</p>
<p>Ashton smashes their lips together in a sloppy kiss as he starts thrusting into Luke with quick, hard snaps of his hips. Each thrust drags a breathless moan out of Luke, and Ashton grabs a hold of Luke’s leg, throwing it over his own shoulder. The new angle drives him deeper into Luke, his cock brushing up against Luke’s prostate, and Luke throws his head back as heat courses through him.</p>
<p>“Right there,” he pants as he clutches onto Ashton’s hips. “Don’t stop, I— oh fuck, <i>fuck!</i> Please don’t stop.”</p>
<p>“Wasn’t gonna,” Ashton groans.</p>
<p>Through the mist of pleasure that’s obscuring his senses, Luke’s distantly aware of noises coming from somewhere outside the bedroom. Ashton notices, too it seems as his rhythm falters slightly and he lifts his head to meet Luke’s gaze, something akin to confusion bleeding through the thick layer of arousal that’s covering his features.</p>
<p>They don’t stand a chance at reacting fast enough when the bedroom door is pushed open and Michael walks in, immediately followed by Calum. Completely numb with shock and a beginning sense of fear, Luke stares at them, and he’s suddenly very happy that Ashton’s blanketed on top of him, providing a false, but effective, sense of security. Michael and Calum stare right back; Michael opens his mouth, then closes it and the process repeats itself three times, while Calum’s eyebrows have shot so far up they appear to be seconds away from disappearing into his hair.</p>
<p>The bedroom is eerily quiet for a number of tense beats, which breaks when Calum clears his throat with a soft, “Oh.”</p>
<p>"Uhm..." says Luke.</p>
<p>"Hi," says Ashton.</p>
<p>"Ew," says Michael.</p>
<p>"What the hell?" says Calum.</p>
<p>Michael nods slowly. "Yeah, that… that, too. But mostly 'ew'."</p>
<p>"Why 'ew'?" Calum asks. "Because it's guy on guy? Need I remind you of a certain compromising situation I found <i>you</i> in when we were in—"</p>
<p>"Not because it's guy on guy," Michael says loudly. "Because it's Luke on Ash." Tilting his head as he takes in their naked forms, he frowns. "Or… Ash on Luke, I guess. Ash <i>in</i> Luke, by the looks of it."</p>
<p>Luke closes his eyes and lolls his head to the side, away from Michael and Calum. He’s suddenly acutely aware of the fact that even though no incriminating parts of him can be seen, Ashton’s dick is still buried in his ass. “Can you please give us a couple of minutes?” he asks, feeling a bright blush slowly creep up on his face. “Just… go to the lounge, we’ll be right out.”</p>
<p>“Only a couple of minutes?” Calum asks. “I think you need to work on your stamina.”</p>
<p>“Just go,” Ashton says as he hides his face in Luke’s neck.</p>
<p>“We’re going,” Michael says, and while Luke isn’t looking at them, he can hear shuffling footsteps, Calum’s displeased grunt, then the door slamming shut.</p>
<p>The silence that follows is deafening, and Luke’s relieved when Ashton breaks it by letting out a chuckle. “Guess the cat’s out of the bag,” he says as he sits up and pulls his now half-hard cock out of Luke.</p>
<p>Luke shrugs half-heartedly as he rises to his feet, vincing slightly at the soreness that has already started to settle in. “Not the way I imagined breaking the news to them,” he says as he reaches for his pants and starts pulling them on.</p>
<p>Stepping into a pair of slack jeans, Ashton buttons them up before he sighs. “I know. I know you wanted to do it the right way, but there’s nothing we can do about it now,” he says as he steps in close to Luke and presses a gentle thumb to his cheek. “Let’s just go out there and be honest with them, yeah? We can do it the right way with anyone else we wanna tell, but right now our best mates are probably very confused and a little traumatised, so… let’s deal with it?”</p>
<p>Closing his eyes, Luke draws a deep breath and nods. “Yeah. Okay.”</p>
<p>“It’s gonna be okay,” Ashton says as he pulls Luke in for a hug. “They didn’t seem mad, did they?”</p>
<p>“No, but they don’t know the whole story yet either,” Luke mumbles as he hugs Ashton back, burying his face in Ashton’s hair. “For all they know, we just happened to wind up in bed together for the first time today. I know it’s my own fault for not wanting to tell them sooner, but I thought— I don’t know. When they find out we’ve been sneaking around behind their backs since April and that a couple of things happened long before that… they might not like it. Especially Cal. You remember how he reacted when I blurted out on the radio that I was seeing someone, and now… now he knows I was talking about <i>you</i>, of all people. And I know they would have found out we were hiding it from them at some point anyway, but I thought we’d get to tell them on our own premises and—”</p>
<p>“Luke… Maybe they won’t be okay with it right away, but it’s gonna work out in the end,” Ashton says, pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek before he pulls back. He’s smiling softly, and while there’s a hint of nerves in his eyes, it’s almost entirely drowned out by kindness and reassurance. “They love you, they love <i>us</i>. It’s gonna be okay.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Luke says. He does his best to return Ashton’s smile before he takes a step back and grabs his t-shirt from where it lies discarded at the foot end of the bed and pulls it on. The fabric drags against his damp skin, and he grimaces.</p>
<p>“Come on,” Ashton says, not bothering to put on a shirt before he holds his hand out for Luke to take. “Let’s do this. If everything goes to shit, against all odds, we’ll order pizza and sulk on the couch for the rest of the day, yeah? I’ve got you.”</p>
<p>Luke cracks a genuine smile at that; he’ll still have Ashton, even if Michael and Calum decide to hate them, and while it’s not a happy thought, it’s a calming one. Accepting Ashton’s hand, he lets himself be led out of the bedroom and out into the hallway. Though his heart is pounding in his chest, his hands remain blessedly dry, and as they enter the lounge, he gives Ashton’s hand a clutch, and Ashton clutches right back.</p>
<p>Michael has settled in the corner of the couch while Calum’s in one of the arm chairs. They’re nursing a soda each, and their eyes are fixed on Luke and Ashton’s joined hands. Ashton sits down in the corner opposite of Michael, and Luke follows him down, refusing to let go of Ashton’s hand. Not yet. Not right now.</p>
<p>“So,” Calum says after a long, tense silence. “When you let it slip that you were dating someone and then told us it was a guy, I really wasn’t expecting it to be Ash.”</p>
<p>Luke swallows and shrugs. “Yeah. Sorry about the… you know.” </p>
<p>“How long has it been going on?” Michael asks.</p>
<p>“Officially since April,” Luke says, eyes directed at Michael’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“And unofficially?” Calum prompts.</p>
<p>Ashton gives Luke’s hand a squeeze. “Unofficially… it’s been a little messy,” he says slowly. “Some things happened last autumn and then again on New Year’s Eve, but we didn’t do anything about it until April.”</p>
<p>Michael clears his throat. “So… you’re together?” he asks, looking first at Ashton, then at Luke.</p>
<p>“Have you thought this through?” Calum asks before either Luke or Ashton gets the chance to reply. There’s a deep furrow etched between his eyebrows. “Look, it’s fine or whatever that you didn’t tell us sooner, I’m sure you had your reasons, <i>but</i> it’s only been a year since you—” He looks at Luke “—were seriously down in the dumps after your last relationship went to shit, so are you even ready for a new relationship? And if this… whatever you’re doing, goes to shit, it’ll be the end of the band. You realise that, right?”</p>
<p>Luke’s stomach twists uncomfortably. “We know,” he says, and it comes out almost pleading. “We— yeah, we know, but it’s not the same, Cal. Me and Ash, it’s not the same as me and… her. You have to understand that. Please.”</p>
<p>Calum drags his hands over his face. “I know, Luke,” he says, sighing. “I know it’s not the same, but there’s a lot at stake here.”</p>
<p>“We know,” Ashton says. “And we know it sounds like empty promises, but if this thing between me and Luke ends badly, we’ll be professional enough to not let it affect the band. We can promise you that.”</p>
<p>“We don’t doubt that you’d try your best,” Michael says. He takes a sip of his soda, then gives them a small smile. “But it’ll never be the same either way, whether you manage to stay professional or not. We’ll never be just a group of friends making music together again. We’ll either be a couple and their two friends, or we’ll be an <i>ex</i>-couple and their two friends. It’ll be different.”</p>
<p>Luke’s eyes are burning, his throat has grown tight, and he inhales sharply. “We’re not gonna do anything to change the dynamic of the band,” he says quietly. “Whenever we’re out doing official band-business, whether it’s live shows or writing sessions or recording or promo or photoshoots, we’ll keep our hands to ourselves, we won’t act any differently than we always have, we’ll—”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay, calm down.” It’s somewhat surprising, but in no way unwelcome, that it’s Calum who’s cut in and is now boring his eyes into Luke’s. Rising from the armchair, he flops down between Michael and Luke and throws an arm over Luke’s shoulders before repeating, “Calm down.”</p>
<p>Letting himself fall into the embrace, his head dropping to Calum’s shoulder, Luke swallows thickly. “I’m sorry,” he says. “We didn’t plan on any of it, I promise. It just happened and…” And what? <i>’And I fell deeply in love with my best friend’</i>? Truthful as it might be, right here and now might not be the time nor place for such an admission.</p>
<p>“No, it’s… I get it,” Calum says. “Or, I don’t get it, I have no idea why anyone ever would fall for either of you, but I get that you can’t control your feelings.” He falls silent for a moment before he continues. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insinuate that the band is more important than your happiness, because it’s not. It’s just a lot to take in and worry about at once.”</p>
<p>“I get that,” Luke says. He finally lets go of Ashton’s hand then, wrapping both arms around Calum’s upper body, breathing in the comfortable and familiar scent that is Calum’s cologne, detergent and something completely unidentifiable. It’s comforting; not in the same way that Ashton is, but comforting nonetheless. Not more, nor lesser, just different.</p>
<p>“We’ll figure it out as we go,” Michael says after a bit. He’s slipped further down on the couch, his neck bent into what has to be an uncomfortable angle, but he looks pleased. “If Luke and Ash have decided they wanna bone each other and do whatever else comes with it, then… well, nothing you and I—” He looks at Calum “—can do about it, is there? Things might go to shit, in which case the band is sure to follow, but if we give you two—” He looks at Luke and Ashton in turn “—an ultimatum of any kind, that’ll <i>definitely</i> break up the band, so… you might as well give it a go since you’re already at it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Calum says after a brief pause. “Yeah. I agree.”</p>
<p>Luke lets go of Calum and straightens up, turning to make eye contact with Ashton. </p>
<p>Leaning in close to Luke’s ear, Ashton whispers, “Told you.”</p>
<p>Letting his eyes flutter shut, Luke slumps forward against Ashton’s body, hiding his face in the crook of Ashton’s neck. “Thank you,” he whispers, though he’s not entirely sure what he’s saying thank you for; the possibilities are endless.</p>
<p>“Right here with you, baby,” Ashton whispers back. “It’ll be okay.”</p>
<p>They’re granted a full ten seconds of figurative solitude before Michael snorts and says, “I thought you said things weren’t gonna change, yet here you are, being all… well.”</p>
<p>“We’re not doing official band business right now, so it doesn’t count,” Ashton says before he presses his lips to the top of Luke’s head.</p>
<p>Wiggling out of Ashton’s arms, Luke sits up and straightens his t-shirt. “No, we… no, sorry, we’re not gonna be like that when we’re all together,” he says, clasping his hands together in his lap.</p>
<p>“Just don’t be gross about it and it’s all good,” Calum says. Michael nods in agreement, and Luke sucks in his bottom lip in an attempt at forcing back a smile.</p>
<p>“One question, though,” Michael says, a small dent slowly forming between his eyebrows. “Since when do you swing that way, Ash? Not to be an ass or anything, but not once have you expressed any interest in other people’s dicks, as far as I know.”</p>
<p>“And don’t come here with some soppy shit about how you’re <i>not</i> into other people’s dicks, that you’re just into <i>Luke’s</i> dick,” Calum chimes in.</p>
<p>“What if that’s the case?” Ashton asks, raising a challenging eyebrow at Calum, and Luke snorts softly.</p>
<p>Calum makes a face. “Then I don’t wanna hear it.” When no one says anything and Ashton just keeps looking at him, Calum blinks. “You… what? For real? Your sexuality has been… upgraded because of <i>Luke?</i>”</p>
<p>“Hey…” Luke complains. “Are you saying I’m not worth upgrading one’s sexuality over?”</p>
<p>“Pretty much, yeah,” Calum deadpans. “I’ve seen you at your worst, Luke, and your worst is just… horrible. Ugly. Disgusting. Very unsexy. You’ve seen his worst, too, Ash. Actually, you’ve seen <i>each other’s</i> worst, like… hissy fits, two-day-long streaks of pisspoor attitudes, hair that hasn’t been washed in a week, excessive farting, vomiting, fever, snot running everywhere, ugly crying, pretty sure you’ve both taken a shit with the other one in the room—”</p>
<p>“For fuck’s sake,” Luke grumbles.</p>
<p>“—and I don’t understand how you could possibly find someone attractive, let alone <i>sexually</i> attractive, after all that.”</p>
<p>“Maybe that’s why you’re perpetually single,” Michael says. “I mean, if you find basic bodily functions off-putting. Like, if you had a girlfriend and she was sick, you wouldn’t hold her hair and stroke her back while she threw up, if she wanted you to?”</p>
<p>Calum shrugs and takes a sip of his soda. “Of course I would, and I’m not saying I find bodily functions off-putting, I just like the idea of maintaining a certain degree of mystery in a relationship.”</p>
<p>“Not sure if vomit and snot and poop is what people are referring to when they talk about ‘maintaining mystery’,” Ashton says soberly. “And besides, I think it’s sweet that we’ve witnessed each other’s worst and still find each other attractive.”</p>
<p>“None of this answers my question,” Michael says, effectively blocking Calum from responding. “Ash, since when do you like guys?”</p>
<p>“Since… I don’t know, a couple of years ago, I guess,” Ashton says, voice slightly impatient. “I’ve never given it much thought, it is what it is. Does it matter?”</p>
<p>Michael purses his lips for a split second, then shakes his head. “I guess not.”</p>
<p>“Great,” Ashton says. “What are you two doing here, anyway?”</p>
<p>“We couldn’t get a hold of either of you,” Michael says. “You being severely detached from your phone at times isn’t exactly news, but Luke not responding to text or calls for several hours is more unusual, so we got worried.”</p>
<p>Ashton snorts. “And instead of ringing the doorbell like normal people, you decided to just barge in?”</p>
<p>“We did ring the doorbell, but you didn’t hear it,” Calum says dryly. “I do wonder why.”</p>
<p>Luke grimaces. “Sorry,” he says. “Why were you trying to get a hold of us in the first place?”</p>
<p>“No particular reason, just wanted to hang,” Calum says, and Luke hums. They fall into amicable silence for a few beats before Calum asks, “So… how come you didn’t tell us sooner?”</p>
<p>Luke shrugs. “We wanted to find the right time and… we haven’t— I mean, it’s only been a little while since we sat down and talked about what it is we’re doing. It’s not that we didn’t trust you or anything, but it was scary, you know?”</p>
<p>“And what is it you’re doing?” Calum asks. “Is it just a sex-thing or are you, like, boyfriends, or…?”</p>
<p>“No labels for now, but we’re not seeing or fucking other people either,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“Sounds boyfriend-y, but okay,” Michael says. Drawing his eyebrows together in a pensive frown, he continues, “You know, I think I should be more surprised about this than I am. Like, I didn’t <i>expect</i> it, but… I’m not shocked either. Like, if it turned out Ash was fucking <i>Cal</i>, I’d be shocked, but you two? Not all that surprising, to be honest. Maybe—”</p>
<p>“Oh my God,” Calum suddenly says. He’s staring wide eyed at Luke and Ashton in turn. “On the bus. North America, I think.”</p>
<p>Luke frowns. “Okay?”</p>
<p>“I woke up in the lounge and you two were all up in each other’s spaces by the door and you were fighting and—” He points an accusatory finger at Luke. “Were you about to have angry sex when I was right there?”</p>
<p>Ashton barks out a laugh, while Luke’s frown deepens. “I don’t know what situation you’re referring to,” Luke starts, “but I can pretty much guarantee that we weren’t about to have sex, angry or otherwise, when you were right there.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah?” Calum challenges. “Didn’t stop you twenty minutes ago, did it?”</p>
<p>“You— I— we had no idea you were in the house!” Luke splutters, while Ashton continues to laugh. “You can’t get all… bitchy at us for what we do when we think we’re alone, in the privacy of a home that isn’t yours!”</p>
<p>“We weren’t fucking at the time, anyway,” Ashton says. “That day on the bus, I mean.”</p>
<p>Looking at him, Luke asks, “You remember when that was?”</p>
<p>“Damn straight I do,” Ashton says with a shit-eating grin. “It was after the New York-show, you were jealous because I did that fake shot with the girl onstage. Best fucking day of my life.”</p>
<p>“Best—” Luke clamps his mouth shut and scoffs. “I was having… serious emotional problems and you thought it was <i>funny?</i>”</p>
<p>“I never said I thought it was funny, I said it was the best day of my life,” Ashton says, still grinning. “Might be a bit of an exaggeration, but… I got confirmation that I wasn’t in it alone, didn’t I?”</p>
<p>“You could’ve just asked,” Luke says sourly.</p>
<p>“Oh, sure, no risks involved in doing that,” Ashton says, voice dry. “<i>’Hey, Luke, I’ve been having some feelings for you, like in my heart and my dick and whatnot, and I was wondering if you’ve been having similar feelings?’</i> Can’t imagine how that could have possibly gone wrong if I’d misinterpreted something along the way.”</p>
<p>“It wouldn’t have gone wrong, but… I see your point.” Luke smiles and inches closer to press his lips to Ashton’s. Ashton hums as he kisses back, dragging his thumb in a slow circle on Luke’s waist.</p>
<p>“That’s gonna take some time getting used to,” Michael remarks, and Ashton and Luke pull apart. “My point, anyway, was that maybe it’s a telltale sign that I’m not nearly as surprised by this development as I should be.”</p>
<p>Sitting back to create some distance between himself and Luke, Ashton rolls his eyes. “A telltale sign of what? Of your psychic prowess?”</p>
<p>“Oh, come on, tell us how the album’s gonna do on the charts, oh wise one,” Calum says.</p>
<p>Luke grins. “Yeah, is it gonna be a home runner or should we all prepare to go back to school?”</p>
<p>“You all <i>should</i> go back to school, because you completely missed the point I was trying to make,” Michael says before he takes a swig of his beer. “What the fuck even are your IQs? Minus five and a half?”</p>
<p>Maybe, just maybe, Luke thinks as he leans into Ashton and watches Michael and Calum bicker, everything really is going to be okay.</p>
<p>“So, Luke,” Michael says when his and Calum’s argument dies down. “I’ve never gotten a straight answer from Ashton, even though I must’ve asked him at least three thousand times over the years, so I’m gonna ask you: Does he have a daddy-kink or not?”</p>
<p>Luke chokes on his own spit.</p>
<p>Maybe everything really <i>isn’t</i> going to be okay after all.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Thursday, August 2nd 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>It feels fitting that the official music video for <i>Youngblood</i> drops on the same day that they kick off the Meet You There-tour in Japan. They arrived in Osaka the day prior, and though jetlag is still doing its best to kick their asses, they manage to drag themselves out of the hotel to go on a quest to find lunch slash dinner when the clock is nearing three p.m. Ashton did a fine job of convincing security to let them wander off on their own, so they traipse around in Osaka and only get lost thrice in their search for the restaurant that Luke searched up and made a reservation at before they left the hotel.<p>When they get there, Michael stops dead in his tracks, eyes directed at the sign over the entrance door. He makes an attempt at reading and pronouncing the name of the restaurant, forehead wrinkling up in concentration, lips moving silently. They give him approximately forty seconds, by which time they’ve started to attract a fair bit of attention, before Luke rolls his eyes, Calum snorts and Ashton grabs a hold of Michael’s elbow and yanks him towards the door.</p>
<p>“I was gonna get it,” Michael says with a pointed scowl at Ashton after they’ve been seated in a booth and a waitress has left them four English menus. Luke grabs one as soon as he’s comfortably sat next to Ashton, and starts scanning the pages.</p>
<p>Ashton sighs. “No, you weren’t. You do this every time we go to Japan — you spend the last three days before we fly out desperately trying to learn the language, then you fail at utilising it in any way because, oh, guess what, you can’t learn a whole damn language in three days.”</p>
<p>Turning to Calum, who’s sitting next to him, Michael says, “I don’t do that.”</p>
<p>Calum blinks at him, then grabs a menu, and starts scanning it up and down. “Not sure if you’re telling me or yourself, mate.”</p>
<p>“But I—”</p>
<p>“You don’t speak Japanese, Michael,” Ashton says, his tone of voice flat. “Find out what you wanna eat so we can order and maybe get to the venue in time for soundcheck.”</p>
<p>Giggling a little, Luke closes his menu and puts it down. As he waits for the other three to decide what they want, he looks at each of them in turn, lastly at Ashton. They’re not out by any means, neither as individuals or as a pair, but the knowledge that their parents, Michael and Calum know is liberating. Nothing has changed between the four of them in the ten days or so that have passed since Michael and Calum found out, but he and Ashton had a talk about the tour a couple of days ago to figure out how to go about their relationship once they were back on the road. Their conclusion, after twenty minutes or so of discussion, was that they weren’t going to opt out of any banding just for the sake of spending time with each other, nor were they going to go wild with the PDA in front of Michael and Calum.</p>
<p>Then again, as Ashton pointed out regarding the latter, “It’s not like I’d be <i>that</i> person no matter who I was dating.”</p>
<p>It takes less than fifteen minutes from they place their orders until their food arrives, and they eat in comfortable silence, the only sounds being that of utensils against plates and the bustling of other people’s conversations by the surrounding tables. The food is delicious, and Calum expresses as much once their plates have been cleared with a slightly too loud, “Fuck, that was good.”</p>
<p>Michael sniggers. “You’re so fucking eloquent, Cal.”</p>
<p>“Band challenge: Get through one day without swearing,” Luke says.</p>
<p>“Do you include yourself in that challenge, or…?” Calum asks.</p>
<p>“No, because I’m actually able to keep my swearing to appropriate situations.”</p>
<p>“What?!” Ashton exclaims. “I’ve heard you swear around children, in live interviews, on national TV, you name it.”</p>
<p>“How about we just don’t attempt any challenges that include not swearing?” Michael says, and it sounds like he’s already sick of the conversation. “We’d lose within, like, half an hour.”</p>
<p>Luke sticks his tongue out at Michael. “I thought it was a good idea.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, great idea and all, but we’re not gonna do it,” Calum says with a wave of his hand.</p>
<p>“Great, glad we all agree,” Ashton says. “Before anyone comes up with any more fun challenges or games, I have something I wanna say. Or, tell you, actually.”</p>
<p>Michael quirks an eyebrow at Luke. “Did he get you pregnant?”</p>
<p>“Triplets,” Luke says, patting his belly. “Can’t you tell?”</p>
<p>Calum makes a displeased sound. “Cool, but don’t ask me to babysit.”</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ…” Ashton grumbles. “No one’s pregnant, no one’s getting married, no one’s dying, no one’s moving across any continents, nothing like that, okay?” He folds his hands tightly in front of himself on the table, keeping his eyes firmly locked on his knuckles as they whiten slightly before he opens his mouth again. “Luke, you already know.”</p>
<p>Luke’s lips part on a surprised, “Oh…”, because he immediately knows what’s about to happen. Nodding his head once, he shifts half an inch closer to Ashton, and gives Michael and Calum a look that he hopes conveys the message he’s trying to get across, which is something along the lines of, <i>’Don’t you fucking dare start making jokes’</i>. “You sure you wanna do this here?” he asks Ashton. “We’re kinda… you know, in public.”</p>
<p>Ashton smiles tightly. “Less chance of anyone starting to yell, yeah?”</p>
<p>“Why would we yell?” Calum asks.</p>
<p>“Because you don’t have a history of reacting very nicely when you find out that things have been kept from you,” Ashton says. “Especially not you, Cal. So, just keep in mind that this has nothing to do with either of you, nor the band, and that—”</p>
<p>“We’re not gonna yell,” Michael interrupts. “Just tell us what it is, because I’m starting to get nervous.”</p>
<p>Luke’s nerves feel strung out and he can feel his own heartbeat all the way up in his throat as Ashton tells Michael and Calum what he told Luke on the beach all those months ago. He wants to help, wants to make the ordeal of having to put his problems on the table easier for Ashton, but he can’t. Other than keeping quiet, letting Ashton talk and occasionally giving his thigh a gentle squeeze under the table, there’s nothing Luke can do to help, at least not here and now. He watches Michael and Calum for their reactions, but they’re both wearing masks of complete and utter barrenness. The only indication that they’re listening at all is that Calum appears significantly paler than usual.</p>
<p>“So, like I said, it’s a me-thing, not a band-thing,” Ashton says when he has reached the end of his story. His eyes are downcast, but some of the tension previously present in his jaw seems to have bled out.</p>
<p>“But why— why haven’t you, like, said anything?” Michael asks, his cheeks having gone blotchy pink. “If you’ve been struggling with this for so fucking long, why did you never say anything about it? We could have helped, we wouldn’t have, like, pulled out the liquor right in front of you all the time, and we could have… I don’t know what we could have done, but we could have done <i>something</i>.” His voice increases in volume for each word that leaves his mouth, and the last one comes out loud enough to turn a couple of heads from other restaurant visitors.</p>
<p>Ashton bows his head, looks at his still clasped hands for a couple of seconds. “I didn’t want you to do anything,” he says. “And I knew you’d wanna help, but I didn’t <i>want</i> help, I still don’t, because I don’t wanna do anything about it just yet.”</p>
<p>“What?” Calum asks, eyes wide as saucers. “What do you mean you don’t wanna do anything about it? You can’t—”</p>
<p>“See, this is why I haven’t told you sooner,” Ashton says before Calum can finish. A flare of frustration flutters across his face, and he looks to Luke for a split second. “It’s not because I don’t trust you or because I’m ashamed or anything, but because the whole thing was hard enough to come to terms in the first place, it was scary, and I didn’t wanna have to convince you to lay off until <i>I’m</i> ready.”</p>
<p>It goes quiet around the table. Michael looks like he’s three seconds away from throwing a fit, and Luke gives his leg a slight kick under the table, shaking his head once when Michael tears his eyes away from Ashton to meet Luke’s.</p>
<p>Screwing his eyes shut, Michael lets out a curt, incredulous laugh. “You told Luke, though,” he says. “I get that he’s your… whatever you two are, but—”</p>
<p>“We weren’t… when he told me,” Luke cuts in. “We were just friends at the time.”</p>
<p>“And I told Luke because I wanted to tell <i>someone</i> and I knew he was the least likely of the three of you to push me into something I wasn’t ready for,” Ashton says quietly. “It doesn’t have anything to do with me trusting you less than I trust him, but you’re wired differently, and in that particular situation, I needed <i>his</i> wiring.”</p>
<p>“I get it,” Calum says, pressing his lips together. “I don’t like it, but I get it. Why you told Luke first, I mean. I <i>don’t</i> get why you don’t wanna deal with it or how you expect us to just sit back and do nothing <i>while</i> you’re not dealing with it.”</p>
<p>Albeit a weak one, Ashton gives Calum a smile. “I wouldn’t have expected you to if it was so bad that I was drunk twenty-four-seven or if it fucked up my ability to do my job or if it was ruining any personal relationships I have, but I told you it’s not like that, so… yeah, I do expect you to sit back and not do anything while I figure it out on my own.”</p>
<p>“How… how long is that gonna take?” Michael asks. “Months? Years? Decades?”</p>
<p>Ashton’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows thickly, and Luke instinctively shifts another inch closer to him. “I wanna try before my next birthday,” Ashton says. “Not right now, not while we’re on the road, but… yeah, sometime before I turn twenty-five.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Luke asks, and it comes out as a squeak. The gentle upwards tilt of Ashton’s lips creates a hot sphere of pure happiness in Luke’s chest that makes him want to lean in and kiss Ashton. He doesn’t, he can’t, but he will as soon as the opportunity presents itself.</p>
<p>“Yeah, really,” Ashton says softly. “If you’re prepared to deal with a lot of moodiness and frustration, that is.”</p>
<p>“I’d be a pretty shitty boyfr—” For the second time in the span of his and Ashton’s relationship, Luke barely catches a slip-up of the ‘boyfriend’-variety in time. He clamps his mouth shut and clears his throat. “I… yeah, you know what I meant.”</p>
<p>“Okay…” Michael says slowly, eyes darting back and forth between Ashton and Luke. “That doesn’t sound at all like a conversation that needs to be had asap or anything.”</p>
<p>“Don’t… don’t get involved, mate,” Calum says.</p>
<p>Ashton sniggers, and the sound alone makes Luke smile. “Yeah, don’t get involved, Mike,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“I always thought if anyone was gonna stir shit up in the band, it’d be Luke and Luke alone,” Calum muses. “That Ashton is playing an equal part in the… stirring up is pretty surprising.”</p>
<p>“I— what?” Luke asks. “How are we stirring anything up? <i>When</i> have we stirred anything up?”</p>
<p>Calum smiles widely. “All I know is that if Mike and I wanna get through this tour sans huge emotional scars, we’re not rooming wall to wall with either of you when we stay in hotels.”</p>
<p>“We wouldn’t— oh, fuck you,” Luke grunts. “Can we please not discuss… you know, anything related to our… sex life in a goddamned restaurant?”</p>
<p>“Sure, when would you prefer we discuss it?” Michael quips.</p>
<p>Luke slides down a bit in his seat and drags his hands over his face. “Can we just get the bill, please?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, both cats are out of the bag? A fair few of you have wondered how and when Michael and Calum would find out, and well, that was the how and the when😌 I have to give a shoutout to <a href="https://valiantnerdtm.tumblr.com">Nik</a> who sent me <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com/post/644223786485514240/i-just-finished-part-4-of-tidal-wave-and-all">this ask</a> after reading the events of chapter 4, several weeks ago now, which had me wheezing with laughter for one, but I also desperately wanted to say, "Wait seven more weeks and that's exactly what he'll be doing" and it was killing me to not be able to tbh</p>
<p>Okay, so now there's only one Friday of TW updates left; next Friday is the last chapter + the epilogue, and then that'll be that for now! Until then, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and as always, thank you so, so much for reading and commenting and kuduosing♥ Come talk on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Part 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here it is, folks, the last actual chapter of <i>Tidal Wave</i>! I'll save the author's notes for the epilogue, which I'm posting right about now as well♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Thursday, August 9th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>“You really just went out there and said that for all of Australia to see, huh?” Michael says the moment the door between the studio and the closed-off car park has clicked shut, leaving them alone out in the open air.<p>Popping a button at the top of his shirt and dragging a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his forehead, Ashton shrugs. “It felt right. You lot know and I told my mum last night, so… no more bridges to burn, yeah?”</p><p>“Suppose not,” Michael says as they get into the car waiting for them to take them to their hotel.</p><p>Having stayed an extra day in Tokyo after their show there on the third, and leaving for Brisbane first thing tomorrow morning, their stay in Sydney this time around is a short one. Between the show and miscellaneous promo activities, none of them are making the trip to the outskirts of Sydney to see their families, thus leaving them to stay in a hotel. While Luke is a little put out by it and Michael is more than just a little put out, Ashton’s mum and siblings left town to visit family the night prior, and Calum is having dinner with his parents before the show and doesn’t much mind not getting to go home.</p><p>“It’s not just about <i>seeing</i> them, though,” Luke says as the car takes them through Sydney. “I’ll see them before, at and after the show, but I like seeing the house and sleep in my old bed and have mum cook for me and just… you know, feel like a kid again for a day or two. It’s nice.”</p><p>“I’ll take you to the playground later if you wanna feel like a kid, Luke,” Ashton says, giving Luke’s knee a light pat. “Want me to push you on the swingset?”</p><p>Luke bats his eyelashes. “Oh, would you, pretty please?”</p><p>“Can I come, too?” Michael asks. “You don’t have to push me on the swingset, I’m a big boy and can take care of it myself.”</p><p>Ashton nods seriously. “Sure, Mike.”</p><p>Michael grins in an exaggeratedly childlike display of teeth. “Thanks, daddy.”</p><p>Luke wrinkles his nose and turns his attention to Calum. “When are you meeting your parents?”</p><p>“At five, the restaurant is right by the venue, so I’ll meet you there for soundcheck after.”</p><p>“Are they coming to the show?” Ashton asks.</p><p>“Dad is,” Calum says. “Mum has a friend in the hospital, so she’s going there after we’ve had dinner.”</p><p>“Hospital?” Luke asks. “What for?”</p><p>“She was in a car crash, so a bit of everything; broken bones and a punctured lung and a fuckton of scrapes and wounds. She’s gonna be fine, but… you know.”</p><p>The sun is high on the sky and despite it still technically being winter, it’s almost twenty degrees outside, rendering Luke’s leather jacket unnecessary. He takes it off, folding it over his arm as they enter the hotel and get in the lift to take them to the fourth floor.</p><p>“I’m going for a run,” Calum says as he opens the door to his room. “Anyone wanna join?”</p><p>“Yeah, just gimme time to get changed,” Ashton says as he unlocks the door to the room he and Luke are sharing. “Meet you in the lobby in ten?”</p><p>“In ten,” Calum confirms before he slips into his room.</p><p>As soon as the door is closed and they’re alone, Luke throws his arms around Ashton’s neck and pulls him in for a hard kiss. </p><p>Ashton grunts at the sudden contact, but kisses Luke back for a bit before he breaks away and quirks a quizzical eyebrow. “What was that for?” he asks.</p><p>“Just… you know,” Luke says. When Ashton opens his mouth, clearly about to argue that no, he doesn’t know, Luke silences him with another kiss. “I’m… proud of you, is all.”</p><p>“Proud of me?” Ashton asks. “What for?”</p><p>“For saying what you did back there, on Sunrise,” Luke says. “About the alcohol. And for… for telling Cal and Michael when we were in Japan. And your mum yesterday. I’m just— yeah, I’m proud of you. I know it wasn’t easy.”</p><p>“Oh,” Ashton says, his lips curling up in a small smile. Pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek, then his jaw, he pulls him in for a hug. “Thanks. For that and for never pushing me on it. For trusting me to figure it out on my own.”</p><p>Luke nods, cradling Ashton’s head, combing his fingers through the untamed curls in the nape of his neck. “Thanks for being honest with me about it from the start, for not… lying and saying you were gonna deal with it right away even though you weren’t, for trusting me and… knowing me well enough to know that I wouldn’t push you.”</p><p>Ashton chuckles. “Should we prepare a turkey or something? It’s kinda starting to feel like Thanksgiving in here.”</p><p>“Turkey sounds pretty good, actually,” Luke says as he pulls back, releasing himself from Ashton’s hold. “We should totally cook a whole fucking Thanksgiving meal just for the two of us this year. Eat it in our pyjamas on the couch and watch reality TV.”</p><p>“Aren’t we still on tour at that point?” Ashton asks as he crouches down by his bag on the floor and pulls out his workout-clothes.</p><p>Sitting down on the bed, Luke shakes his head. “No, I think Thanksgiving is on the 22nd this year and the last tour date is… the 18th or the 19th.”</p><p>“Hm, alright,” Ashton says. “Bigass Thanksgiving dinner in our pyjamas and reality TV it is, then.”</p><p>Luke beams. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Anything for you, baby,” Ashton says and plants a kiss on Luke’s forehead before he starts getting changed. “You coming or are you staying here?”</p><p>Luke grunts. “I haven’t worked out in… four days, so I probably should, but… can’t we just fuck really intensely for an hour or something? That counts as cardio, doesn’t it?”</p><p>Ashton purses his lips as if he’s trying not to laugh. “Sure, but if we go at it at an intense rate for an hour now, I don’t think you’ll be able to move onstage later tonight. Or stand up at all. Or sit. You’d have to lie on your back.”</p><p>“I’m fine with that.”</p><p>“I don’t think the fans would be,” Ashton says soberly. “So, are you coming or not?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Luke mutters. “But if you even <i>try</i> to make me run intervals, I’ll hit you over the head with the nearest object I can find.”</p><p>“What if Cal tries to make you do it?”</p><p>“I’ll kick him in the balls.”</p><p>“Nice to know you’d give me an easier punishment than him.”</p><p>“Never said <i>where</i> I’d hit you, did I?”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Tuesday, August 14th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>To be woken up at two a.m. by a number of insistent pokes to his shoulder is a concept that Luke generally isn’t a big fan of, so he’s less than pleased when Ashton subjects him to just that only hours after they played their Melbourne show. As a matter of fact, he’s annoyed and tired and just about to tell Ashton to fuck off when the covers are being pushed off him and Ashton straddles his hips and asks, a little out of breath, “Wanna fuck me?”<p>It takes a hot second for the words to register in Luke’s sleep-addled brain, but when they do, he wakes up so quickly it nearly gives him a headache. “What, like— right now?” he asks, voice a little raspy as he blinks his eyes a few times to get rid of the last remnants of sleepiness and to get them used to the darkness.</p><p>“No, in two weeks, I just figured I’d wake you up now to give you time to prepare,” Ashton says dryly.</p><p>Luke rolls his eyes. “You can’t just wake me up in the middle of the night, ask me to fuck you for the first time ever, and expect me to not be a little confused,” he says. “Why now?”</p><p>The look on Ashton's face suggests that Luke is, in fact, the stupidest creature on the planet. “Because I woke up and I was horny and I was gonna take care of it myself, but then I got fingers involved and now I want you to fuck me?”</p><p>“You—” Luke presses his head back against the pillow and groans as his dick starts filling with blood. “Okay, I didn’t even know you’d tried to… you know.”</p><p>“I told you I would,” Ashton says, scooting a little up until he’s sitting on Luke’s dick.</p><p>Sliding his hands up Ashton’s thighs, Luke digs his fingers into his hips. “You also said you’d report back to me when you’d given it a go, and I haven't heard any reports.”</p><p>Ashton shrugs. “I’ve tried it a couple times, but wasn’t really sure how I felt about it, if I liked it or not, until about fifteen minutes ago. I decided I quite like it, though, so… do you wanna?”</p><p>Punching out a heavy breath, Luke yanks Ashton down for a kiss. Ashton indulges him for a few seconds, grinding down until Luke’s erection slips between his cheeks, then the weight of him is suddenly gone and Luke’s body is left exposed to the cool air. He sits up and finds Ashton ready on all fours next to him, lower arms pressed against the mattress, his head resting on the pillow.</p><p>“Are you waiting for your dick to magically end up in my ass, or what’s your plan?” Ashton asks when Luke doesn’t immediately move.</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” Luke mutters, a slight smile tugging at his lips as he sits up on his knees and gets behind Ashton, placing his hands on either side of his ass. He pulls the cheeks slightly apart and rubs his thumb over Ashton’s hole, and Ashton lets out a small grunt, his hips shifting a little in Luke’s grip.</p><p>“Are you just gonna admire the view or are you actually gonna—”</p><p>“Are you nervous?” Luke asks before Ashton can finish.</p><p>“What?” Ashton asks after a beat.</p><p>“You’re being really fucking snarky, figured it might be some sort of coping mechanism,” Luke says as he spots a bottle of lube between the two pillows and reaches for it.</p><p>Ashton doesn’t respond immediately. He tenses up for a moment when Luke pushes two fingers into him, but then relaxes against the pillow and draws a shuddering breath that makes Luke’s cock twitch. “Not about the fucking itself,” he says. “Just feels a little weird to stand here like this, all exposed.”</p><p>The third finger slides in easily, and though Luke doesn’t ask, he wonders exactly how long Ashton spent fingering himself before he woke Luke up. “Wanna switch positions?” he asks.</p><p>“No, no, I’m good,” Ashton says, voice slightly strangled. “You can… I almost had four fingers up there less than half an hour ago, so just go ahead. Fuck me.”</p><p>Luke widens his eyes at the back of Ashton’s head. “Four?” he asks. “Either you’re seriously overestimating the size of my dick or—”</p><p>“Didn’t want it to hurt, did I?” Ashton cuts in. “Just… come on, Luke, I want it.”</p><p>Luke has half a mind to ask Ashton if he’s sure, to tell him that they don’t have to do this here and now, or ever. But then Ashton wraps a hand around his dick and starts stroking himself slowly, his back arching as he groans into the pillow, and Luke bites his tongue so hard he can taste blood.</p><p>“Want me to use a condom?” he asks as he reaches for the lube again. “It feels a little… odd afterwards if I come inside you.”</p><p>“No,” Ashton breathes. “Just you. Might as well get the full experience.”</p><p>Huffing out a laugh, Luke nods as he pours lube into his palm and hurriedly slicks himself up. A small moan tears from his throat at the feeling, and he has to force himself to not simply jerk himself until he comes all over Ashton’s ass. Maybe another time. He keeps his hands on Ashton’s hips as he starts pushing inside, and the moment the tip of his dick is enveloped by heat and tightness, it’s all he can do not to slam all the way inside.</p><p>“You okay?” he asks, stopping when he’s halfway inside.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ashton rasps. “Feels weird, but I’m good.”</p><p>“Bad weird? Does it hurt?”</p><p>“No, just regular weird. Aches a bit, but it’s good. Really good. Keep going.”</p><p>Steadying himself with a deep breath, Luke slides inside, bit by bit, until he’s completely buried, then leans forward and presses a kiss to Ashton’s back before he straightens up. “Do you need a moment?” he asks as he drags a shaky hand up and down Ashton’s spine.</p><p>Ashton trembles slightly under Luke’s touch, but he’s relaxed and his voice carries a hint of something blissful when he says, “No. Fuck me, Luke. Come on.”</p><p>It’s been what feels like half a lifetime since Luke had his dick buried inside someone, and coupled with the sheer novelty of having <i>Ashton</i> in this position, on his hands and knees, open and trusting and groaning a little louder every time Luke fucks into him, Luke feels like he’s on the brink of coming before it’s been more than two minutes.</p><p>All of a sudden, Ashton’s hips jerk in Luke’s firm grasp, and he gasps out a stuttering, “O—oh! Shit!” as he starts pushing back to meet Luke’s thrusts.</p><p>A sound that falls somewhere between a gasp and a laugh slips through Luke’s parted lips, and he picks up his pace a little, angling for the same spot again and again. “Good?” he asks, pressing the heel of his palm against the small of Ashton’s back as he keeps a tight grip on Ashton’s hip with the other.</p><p>“Good, yeah,” Ashton pants. “Different good. Very— fuck, Luke… very different, but—”</p><p>“I know,” Luke says, planting a kiss on Ashton’s lumbar.</p><p>Ashton’s fingers curl around the sheets underneath him and he’s clenching around Luke’s dick, almost to the point of pain. “Go a little—” He gasps and a violent shiver runs through his whole body. “Harder, I need— fuck, harder, baby, come on.”</p><p>Luke gives his all in an effort to comply, and the increase in intensity has him let out a punctured moan every time he slams back in. A sheen of sweat is covering Ashton’s back, and it makes for an easy slide when Luke digs his nails into the sides of his waist and drags them down, down until he reaches Ashton’s hips, where he grabs a hold firm enough to leave bruises.</p><p>Luke can feel how Ashton is shaking all over, his back arching further and further for each time Luke slams into him, hands clenching the sheets as if he needs it to anchor himself to reality, a steady stream of desperate noises tumbling over his parted lips. “Fuck, Luke, I’m gonna— oh, shit, shit, <i>shit</i>, I—” Ashton’s voice breaks on a choked-off moan, and he seems to tense up, inch by inch, until his body seizes up completely and he buries his face in the pillow, crying out as he comes, both hands still fisting the sheets.</p><p>The surprise that courses through Luke has nothing on the punch of arousal that hits him in the gut upon realising that he just made Ashton come <i>completely untouched</i>. He manages to hold on until Ashton has come down from his high before he lets himself fall over the edge, throwing his head back as he moans breathlessly and digs his fingers into Ashton’s hips.</p><p>Ashton collapses onto his stomach the moment Luke has stopped moving, and Luke hurries to the bathroom to fetch a towel to clean them both up before he lies down and rubs his nose against Ashton’s shoulder.</p><p>“Okay,” Ashton mumbles after a bit. “That was… something. A very, very amazing something.”</p><p>Luke hums. “Yeah. You’re not opposed to doing it again, then?”</p><p>“I think I prefer it the other way around, not sure if I’ll ever get a hundred percent over that… weird feeling of it, but no, I’m not opposed to doing it again.”</p><p>“Good to know.” Luke reaches for the covers and throws them over them both before he speaks again. “So… either I’m just better at the whole fucking-thing than you are, or your ass is more sensitive than mine.”</p><p>Ashton snorts. “What?”</p><p>“Made you come without going anywhere near your dick, didn’t I?” Luke asks, and he can’t quite help the smugness that seeps into his voice. “Can’t recall you ever having made me do that.”</p><p>“Not sure I like this side of you,” Ashton says, giving Luke’s shin a weak kick. “Next time we fuck, you’re gonna come without either me or you touching your dick, and that’s final.”</p><p>“What if I can’t?”</p><p>“Then I guess you won’t come.”</p><p>“I—” Luke clamps his mouth shut and bites Ashton’s shoulder. “Not sure if that kind of… playing is my thing.”</p><p>Ashton snuffles a little, and he sounds half-asleep when he says, “We could find out.”</p><p>Luke resists the urge to keep arguing, but it’s a close call.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Sunday, August 19th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>Perth is the same as it has been since the first time Luke set foot there, several years ago. The sun is blazing and the temperature is well over twenty degrees as the four of them step out of the restaurant where they just had dinner. A whole day off, the day after one show and over a week before the next, and the only thing any of them initially wanted to do was to sleep in, go out for dinner, then return to the hotel and watch Netflix. Luke wonders if their reluctance to enjoy life on the road day in and day out like they used to stems from them getting older, or from having gone through that particular phase years prior.<p>Then, as they get into a cab and drive off towards the hotel, he thinks about the many bands who have partied on for decade after decade and never seem to tire, and he starts wondering if maybe it’s <i>them</i> as people. Maybe they’re essentially boring people. After that, as they walk through the double glass doors leading into the hotel, he starts wondering if maybe it’s because they feel ultimately fulfilled, as a band and as individuals, and aren’t experiencing any desire to drown themselves in alcohol, drugs, blaring music, filthy dancing on a sweaty dance floor and one night stands.</p><p>He’d like to think that the latter option has roots closer to reality than any of the other alternatives.</p><p>“Okay, I want a nap before we do anything else,” Calum says as they exit the lift on their floor. “Wanna do a proper old school movie night later? I think I have enough candy in my bag to give us all a solid sugar hangover to deal with in the morning.”</p><p>“Because we’re determined to relive our teenage years,” Luke says with a sage nod. “Okay, but only if you cut a fringe first, Michael.”</p><p>“Sure,” Michael says absentmindedly as he roots through his pockets, coming up with his keycard. “Whose room?”</p><p>“Ashton’s,” Luke says.</p><p>Ashton gives Luke an affronted look. “Why? So my bed can become full of crumbs and their butt sweat?”</p><p>“You’re not staying there anyway, you dick,” Luke laughs. “Your luggage is in my room and you haven’t even set foot in <i>your</i> supposed room since we got here. It’s literally completely unused and will probably continue to be so. For its intended purposes, at least.”</p><p>“Oh, right.” Ashton grins at Michael and Calum. “My room, guys. What time is it?”</p><p>“Almost five,” Calum says after throwing a glance at his watch and opening his door. “Meet in your room at six?”</p><p>“Great!” Michael calls just as the door to his room slams shut, and a split second later, Calum’s gone as well.</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Luke locates his keycard and unlocks the door, holding it open for Ashton before he steps over the threshold himself. He lets the door slip shut behind himself before he gets the lights on and stalks over to his bag to find something more comfortable to change into. Leaving his phone and wallet on the nightstand, he strips out of his jeans and shirt, exchanging them for a pair of worn trackies and an even more worn t-shirt before he gets situated on the bed with his back against the headboard. He lets his eyes drift shut for a moment, heavy with the sort of tiredness that prolonged exposure to ever-changing surroundings brings with it.</p><p>The mattress dips as Ashton sits down next to Luke, pulling his phone out of his pocket and mumbles something about having to text Matt about an idea for a song before he forgets. Grabbing his own phone from the nightstand, Luke starts checking his notifications. There’s a text from Sierra that says, <i>’little missy chewed my favourite purse to pieces then acted like nothing😇’</i> Attached is a photo of Petunia on the kitchen floor, surrounded by what once was a purse, looking directly into the camera.</p><p>Grimacing at the ruined purse, but smiling at the sight of Petunia, Luke hurries to type out a response. <i>’fuck sorry🥺 how much was it? i’ll venmo you’</i></p><p>None of his other notifications grab his interest and none of them require his immediate attention, so he opens Twitter and starts scrolling through his timeline. </p><p>He doesn’t understand half the jokes he comes across, even the ones that are based on himself or the band, and then there are political posts that he doesn’t have the energy to engage with, fan accounts that are posting photos from their latest shows, and a couple of accounts that he has no idea why he’s following seeing as the only thing they ever seem to post is odd theories about the four of them. Odd, but ultimately harmless, Luke decides as he reads a Tweet that insists that photographic proof of Calum having had both his nipples pierced exists. Just to be on the safe side, Luke reminds himself to take a good look at Calum’s nipples the next time he gets the chance.</p><p>But then there’s something else entirely. Something that grabs Luke’s attention and makes him still completely. A <a href="https://twitter.com/Ashton5SOS/status/1030683431389122561">Tweet</a> posted by Ashton the day prior. It’s a photo of the two of them, one of several ones taken in London a few months back. It’s the caption, however, that catches Luke’s attention.</p><p>
  <i>’Today I am feeling nostalgic about how much time I spent picking this mans brain whilst making Youngblood. We nurtured each other out of a very lonely and dark place. I am happy we made it out of those times. Love you @Luke5SOS. We are fighters.’</i>
</p><p>Swallowing thickly, Luke closes his eyes as an intense feeling of nostalgia and love washes over him, heating him up yet also making him shiver. He looks at Ashton, at his slightly drooping eyelids, the easy tilt of his lips as he looks at something on his phone, the slightly greasy curls adorning his face. All Luke sees is the reason for his joy in the most quiet of moments, his source of comfort when every molecule in his body is about to cave in on itself, a person who he has loved since he was a teenager and who he never for a second thought he could love any differently or any stronger than he did for all those years, but who suddenly broke a barrier that Luke didn’t even know existed until it was in shambles and Ashton had stepped over its remains to get to Luke’s inner core. </p><p>He sees peace, happiness, safety, trust, comfort and satisfaction all at once.</p><p>“I love you.” </p><p>The words are out of Luke’s mouth before he can even think twice about it. He didn’t mean to say them, not here and now and without a plan, but even after he realises what he has said, he doesn’t regret it. He’s not scared. He means the words, more truly than he has ever meant them before in his life, and he wants and needs for Ashton to know that Luke loves him. Ashton might not say it back right now, in an anonymous hotel room in Perth while the afternoon sun bleeds through the sheer curtains, but Luke realises that he’s okay if that’s the outcome, because he knows that if there is a hint of an imbalance between their emotional whereabouts, it will be evened out soon. </p><p>An ill-timed admission of love won’t tear them apart, because there’s no doubt in Luke’s mind that Ashton will say it back one day soon, if not right now.</p><p>Ashton looks up from his phone, fingers stilling in the middle of typing something, and he smiles crookedly. “Yeah…? I know. I love you, too.”</p><p>It’s his chance to back out, Luke knows, but he shakes his head and clears his throat. “No, I don’t mean like… not like I love Cal and Michael and my family and— no, not like that.” Folding his hands in his lap, he takes a deep breath. “I mean… I <i>love</i> you, like… you know. I’m <i>in</i> love with you. Romantic love. Sexual love. Domestic love. All that.”</p><p>Ashton’s lips part and he slowly lowers his phone to his lap. A barely-there smile, which somehow holds more emotion than Luke’s ever seen on one person’s face at once, tugs at his lips, his eyes lighting up with it. He scoots closer to Luke and wraps both arms around him, pulling him in for a sideways hug, Luke’s head ending up rested on his shoulder.</p><p>Brushing his nose against Luke’s temple, Ashton murmurs, “I’m in love with you, too. I love you. Romantically and sexually and domestically and all that.”</p><p>Luke laughs, a short, slightly hysterical sound that comes out along with a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding in. “Okay, that’s… good,” he says as he leans into the embrace, earning himself a kiss on the forehead. “So, do you— I mean, with that being out there, do you wanna… you know, revisit that thing we discussed a couple of months back?”</p><p>“Do I wanna revisit that one thing we discussed at an unspecified point a couple of months back? Sure, baby, that sounds great.”</p><p>Luke blows a raspberry. “You know what I mean.”</p><p>“I actually have no idea, and I still can’t read your mind either, so if you wanna elaborate a little, that’d be great.”</p><p>Nosing at Ashton’s neck, Luke places a kiss over his pulse. “Fine. You asked me what we were to each other and I said I didn’t know and you got a little frustrated with me, but we agreed to just… take it one day at the time and not put any labels on it for the time being. That jog your memory?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, and you pretty much insinuated that you didn’t wanna commit to me, but that you’d also chop my dick off if I dared looking at other people,” Ashton says with a chuckle that makes his whole torso move. “That was fun.”</p><p>“Hey, we came to an agreement, didn’t we?” Luke argues. “No labels, but no seeing other people either.”</p><p>“Mhm. I still wonder what I’m gonna say if someone asks me out and I have to say that I can’t and they ask me why and I have to try to explain how I’m not technically taken, but that—”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Luke laughs. “I get it, okay? And… that’s kinda what I wanted to talk about.” He pauses. “Maybe it’s time for a label, of sorts?”</p><p>“You— really?” Ashton asks. His voice is ridden with relief and happiness, and while Luke finds it cute, it also provides him with a deep sense of guilt; how much frustration and heartache has Ashton had to endure thanks to Luke’s hesitance?</p><p>“Yeah, really,” he mumbles, placing his hand flat over Ashton’s heart. “If you want to, that is.”</p><p>“I want to,” Ashton says quickly. “Not sure how much there is to talk about, though. I mean, how many options do we have as far as labels go? We’re obviously not married, nor living together, so ‘husbands’ and ‘domestic partners’ is out, and if you’re about to tell me you wanna be friends with benefits, I’d rather you fuck right off and stay away from me for the foreseeable future, so…”</p><p>“Friends with benefits sounds fitting, all things considered.” </p><p>“Fucking hell, you suck.”</p><p>Luke sniggers. “No, you… you’re right, we don’t have many options. Only one, I think, actually.”</p><p>Ashton hums. “Is that your way of saying that you’d like to be my boyfriend?”</p><p>A floodwave of blood barrells straight to Luke’s face, and he tries to rein in the mile-wide smile that threatens to split his face in half. “If you’ll have me?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll take one for the team,” Ashton says casually. “Someone has to bear the burden of being your better half sooner or later, and at least I’ve got years of experience dealing with your attitude and neediness and dramatics and—”</p><p>“Keep going and this will have been the shortest relationship in human history.” Sitting up to face Ashton, Luke smiles. Upon noticing the glassy film covering Ashton's eyes, however, a slightly incredulous laugh tumbles over his lips. “Are you… crying?”</p><p>“No!” Ashton laughs. “I’m just happy that I finally get to call you mine.”</p><p>“You’re so happy about that that you’ve got actual tears in your eyes,” Luke deadpans. Ashton doesn’t answer. Hitching himself up to straddle Ashton’s lap, Luke cradles his face with both hands and connects their lips in a languid kiss. Pulling back, he presses his forehead against Ashton’s and asks, softly,  “How… how hard has the lack of a label been for you, exactly? I know you haven’t been happy about it, but…”</p><p>Letting his hands rest loosely on Luke’s waist, Ashton huffs. “Hard enough that I didn’t like it, but not so hard I couldn’t deal with it. I was gonna bring it back up sooner or later, but I’m kinda glad I didn’t have to.”</p><p>“You should have said something if it really bothered you, Ash. Like, <i>really</i> bothered you. I never wanted to make you miserable and we could’ve figured something out sooner.”</p><p>“Maybe, but we figured it out now and…” Ashton smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “I didn’t wanna pressure you into anything. You’ve dealt with a lot on the relationship-front, so I thought it was best if you set the pace. I would’ve said something if it got too bad, okay? So don’t start feeling all guilty or some shit. It was just about a fucking label, it’s not like it’s gonna change anything, I always knew I had you in all the ways that mattered.”</p><p>Luke swallows. “You say that, and yet you’re… so happy about finally having a label.”</p><p>“To be fair, I didn’t know it was gonna make me <i>this</i> happy,” Ashton says. Pulling Luke closer by the hips until his crotch is pressed against Ashton’s front, he rubs his nose over the side of Luke’s throat, up and down a couple of times before latching onto a patch of skin right under his ear, where he starts sucking gently.</p><p>Sighing appreciatively, Luke tilts his head to the side to give Ashton better access. “I’m happy, too, just so you know,” he whispers. “Really happy. I love you, so fucking much.”</p><p>Ashton groans at that, and before Luke even realises what’s happening, he finds himself lying on his back with Ashton on top of him between his spread legs. “I love you,” Ashton whispers back, and then his lips are on Luke’s and their tongues are brushing against each other and Luke raises his legs to wrap around the small of Ashton’s back, pulling him down until they’re connected from top to bottom.</p><p>Slipping a hand under Luke’s t-shirt, Ashton rakes his fingers along his side while their lips move against each other with an almost frenzied sort of passion that has Luke hot and bothered in no time. Rocking his hips upwards, he chokes on a moan when he feels Ashton almost fully hard in his pants already. He slips his legs a few inches down until his heels are digging into Ashton’s ass and presses them down, urging Ashton to meet him halfway as he starts grinding upwards in a quick, focused rhythm.</p><p>Grabbing a fistful of Luke’s hair, Ashton pulls his head to the side as he once more latches onto Luke’s neck while simultaneously grinding his hips downwards. Every time their clothed dicks meet, a moan is punched out of Luke, and lets his legs fall from their position to spread them wider, tucking his feet under Ashton. He feels hot all over from the raw desperation that’s radiating from every square inch of Ashton’s body, the incessant adoration that’s seeping into his every move, both of which he hopes Ashton can feel are a hundred percent reciprocated.</p><p>When Ashton grinds down particularly hard, Luke throws his head back and his mouth drops open on a silent cry. “Fucking shit, I love you, I love you,” he pants. “Fuck, fuck, <i>fuck</i>, Ash, you— don’t stop, please keep— keep going, I’m gonna come, ‘s so good, so fucking good—” That’s as far as he gets before Ashton moans and bites down on his neck, and he comes with a string of loud cries, his hips bucking uncontrollably. He’s distantly aware of Ashton going taut on top of him, his mouth dropping open against the abused skin on Luke’s neck as he comes with a deep groan.</p><p>After, Luke has to actively search for his ability to do anything at all. Blinking his eyes open, he lets out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan. “Oh my God, what the hell?” he asks in a broken, raspy voice. “Did we suddenly regress ten years or something? That was over way too fast and we’re fully dressed and… oh, gross, my underwear’s all sticky.”</p><p>Resting his forehead against Luke’s shoulder, Ashton laughs. “No, no, it was romantic. A re-enactment of our first time, except I also got to finish this time.”</p><p>“What?” It takes Luke a couple of seconds to catch up, and when he does, he groans. “No! That doesn’t count as our first time. Jesus Christ.”</p><p>“Okay, so… that time after we shot the <i>Lie To Me</i>-video, then? The sex was great, but we wound up having a fight about five minutes after we were done.”</p><p>Luke makes a face. “We really don’t have a good track record, do we?”</p><p>Hoisting himself up on his elbows, Ashton quirks one eyebrow. “It’s been pretty smooth sailing, at least on the sex-front, since that first time, though, so…”</p><p>“Remind me to add that to our memoirs when we’re old and wrinkly,” Luke says. “<i>’While there were many obstacles to overcome, the sex was smooth sailing’</i>.”</p><p>“Don’t forget ‘mind blowing’ and ‘often inappropriate’.”</p><p>“When did we have inappropriate sex?” Luke laughs.</p><p>“Dunno, but it could happen, couldn’t it? Like… I don’t know, if we stay over at Cal’s one night and fuck on his dining table after everyone’s gone to sleep.”</p><p>“I think that’s more disrespectful than inappropriate, but I like the way you think.” Luke frowns. “Kinda. I’m also a little disturbed.”</p><p>Ashton coos. “My boyfriend finds me disturbing, isn’t that just the sweetest?”</p><p>“You have an odd definition of what’s sweet,” Luke says. He chooses not to address the fact that hearing the word ‘boyfriend’ coming out of Ashton’s mouth in relation to him has him feeling more than just a little bit giddy. Maybe his face gives him away, though, because Ashton’s expression softens as they look into each other’s eyes.</p><p>Bringing one hand up to stroke the back of his fingers against Luke’s cheek, Ashton swallows audibly before he mumbles, “I really do love you, so much so that it’s kinda scary.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke whispers. “I know what you mean. And I love you, too.”</p><p>“I know.” Brushing his lips against Luke’s cheek in a ghostly kiss, he adds, “You kept telling me when you were about to come in your pants.”</p><p>“Oh my fucking God, okay, moment’s over,” Luke says, rolling his eyes as he promptly shoves Ashton off of him and stands up. “I’m gonna go take a shower because, as you so kindly pointed out, I came in my pants and it’s starting to feel really fucking gross.”</p><p>Flopping back on the couch, Ashton grins. “Have fun, baby.”</p><p>“Uh-huh,” Luke grunts, peering down at Ashton. “For future reference, using whatever I say when we’re having sex against me is uncool. Like, <i>really</i> uncool. <i>And</i>, you came in your pants, too, you’re just as sticky and gross as I am, so you don’t have much of a case.”</p><p>“Never said I did,” Ashton says easily. “Feel free to mock me right back.”</p><p>“No, I won’t, because I’m <i>nice</i> and I respect that whole thing called ‘Heat of the moment’, and as should you,” Luke says, sticking his nose in the air before he spins around on his heel and stalks away in direction of the bathroom, the sound of Ashton’s laugh following him as he goes.</p><p>As he stands under the spray of hot water and gets himself cleaned up, he can’t seem to stop smiling, and the urge to get back out to pepper kisses on every accessible inch of Ashton is strong enough to make him forego conditioner completely. Making quick work of towelling himself off, he ties the towel around his waist before he emerges from the bathroom. Ashton is in the same spot that Luke left him in, but he has changed his clothes and grabbed a Diet Coke from the minibar. Luke has only just gotten dressed and laid down on the bed with his head in Ashton’s lap when there’s a loud knock on the door, swiftly followed by Calum’s voice yelling, “Movie time!”</p><p>“No…” Luke moans. “I wanna sleep.”</p><p>“You can sleep while we watch the movie,” Ashton says as he slides out from under Luke and goes to open the door.</p><p>The moment Michael and Calum have entered, Luke says, “Change of plans. We’re having movie night in here, I refuse to move.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Calum says, dumping two plastic bags by Luke’s feet. “Is it safe to sit on the bed?”</p><p>Luke rolls his eyes. “Yeah.”</p><p>Ashton meets Luke’s gaze for a moment and his lips curl up into a slight smirk that has Luke smile toothily in response. What Michael and Calum don’t know won’t hurt them. It takes them a solid five minutes to figure out a sitting arrangement that allows all of them to be on the bed and also have Luke’s laptop in their field of vision. The result is a pile that renders Luke unable to tell whose limbs are whose, but he’s warm and he’s comfortable and his head is once again resting in Ashton’s lap. </p><p>He starts drifting off when they’re about fifteen minutes into <i>Scary Movie</i>, and when he wakes up next, the movie is over, and the other three appear to be sleeping as well. Stretching out his hand to close the laptop, Luke buries his face in Ashton’s thigh and falls back asleep within ten seconds.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Saturday, September 1st 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p> </p>
</div>“I don’t know where we are, guys.” Luke stops and looks back and forth, but the trees surrounding them look exactly the same as the ones Luke remembers from half an hour ago. “Like, I literally have no clue. For all I know, we’re not even in Pennsylvania anymore.”<p>Calum snorts from where he’s walking right behind Luke. “I think we would know if we’d left the state.”</p><p>“How?” Luke demands, throwing his hands in the air. “We’re in the middle of the goddamned forest, aren’t we? And we were supposed to just follow the fucking trail, but then <i>someone</i>—” He glares at Ashton’s back “—insisted we explore the untouched wilderness, and I don’t think the earth would quake if we accidentally left the state, do you?”</p><p>“We’re still close to the trail, Luke,” Michael says, sniggering. “I can hear other people closeby, so to call this ‘untouched wilderness’ might be a bit of a stretch.”</p><p>Luke blows out an impatient gust of air. “You all do realise that we have a show in… I don’t know, a few hours, right? And that we don’t have any food with us.”</p><p>“What, you think we’re gonna starve to death?” Ashton asks, turning his head for a second to throw Luke an amused glance over his shoulder.</p><p>“Maybe, yeah,” Luke says. </p><p>When Calum suggested they all go for a walk in the forest to kill time before tonight’s show, Luke agreed thinking they would stick to a clearly marked path. And they did, for about ten minutes, before Ashton decided that to wander off the trail would be more fun and more stimulating. Sadly for Luke, he was the only one not keen on the idea, and that’s why his sneakers are currently covered in dirt and his knees are sore after having tripped over his own feet on the uneven ground three times.</p><p>“Don’t worry, Luke, I think I see the parking lot up ahead,” Michael says.</p><p>“What?” Luke asks. “There’s no way the parking lot is ahead, it’s literally… behind us. Or something.”</p><p>“Well, I see <i>something</i> that isn’t dense forest,” Michael says.</p><p>“Maybe you’ve started hallucinating due to dehydration,” Luke mutters, low enough that no one hears him. </p><p>He’s being a brat and he knows it, but this wasn’t what he signed up for, and he wants to get back on the trail where there are other people and a set direction to follow. The other three seem happy about the endeavour, though, and Luke closes his eyes for a split second, sucking in a deep breath to force down his moodiness before he picks up his pace to catch up with Ashton.</p><p>“Sorry,” he says, linking his fingers around Ashton’s wrist for a moment. “I don’t mean to be a stick in the mud.”</p><p>Ashton gives Luke’s shoulder a quick kiss. “It’s alright. Wanna get lunch when we get out of here?”</p><p>“Sure, yeah,” Luke says. “Takeout or restaurant or… what were you thinking?”</p><p>“Takeout, but bring it to a park, picnic-style?” Ashton suggests. “Think there’s supposed to be one not too far from the hotel.”</p><p>Luke grins. “Romantic. Or, it could be, depending on whether or not we invite Michael and Cal.”</p><p>“No thanks,” comes Michael’s voice from behind. “I’m just gonna feel like a third wheel now that you’ve pointed out the inherent romance of a fucking picnic lunch.”</p><p>“There’s no inherent romance,” Luke says, a little affronted as he turns his head to glare at Michael. “I’ve had several picnic lunches in my life and most of them weren’t romantic at all.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, I think it’s different when it’s with your… whatever.”</p><p>Luke smiles a little at the raised eyebrow Ashton gives him, and shrugs in a wordless, ‘<i>Go ahead’</i>. They haven’t gotten around to inform Calum and Michael about their status update yet, and there’s no particular underlying reason this time; it simply hasn’t come up. After Perth, they went home for a few days before they travelled to Canada, and it’s been a busy few days since that have left little to no time for conversations about anything but how tired they are and discussions about what they did right and what they did wrong onstage.</p><p>“Not ‘whatever’,” Ashton calls over his shoulder. “‘Boyfriend’, thank you very much.”</p><p>“You— what?” Michael asks. “Since when?”</p><p>“Since Perth.”</p><p>“Wha— <i>Perth?</i>” Calum exclaims. “That was, like, two weeks ago!”</p><p>“Yeah, well, better late than never,” Luke says. “We promise we’ll tell you within half a year if we decide to get hitched.”</p><p>“I fucking hate you two,” Michael says. “But congrats. And if you ever get married without inviting us, I’m leaving the band. Doesn’t matter if the band has already broken up by the time it happens, I’ll demand my name be removed from anything and everything connected to and associated with the 5SOS brand.”</p><p>As it turns out, it is the parking lot that awaits them up ahead, and while Michael tells Luke, “I fucking told you so!” over and over again, Ashton orders a cab to take them back to the hotel. Michael and Calum ditch them the moment they’re dropped off outside the hotel, telling them to have a nice picnic-date and to remember to be at the venue for soundcheck by six, and then they’re off, arguing about whether to eat first or explore the city first. While Ashton starts Googling nearby restaurants that offer takeout, Luke smiles to himself, watching Michael and Calum walk away, both of them gesturing wildly with their hands as they continue arguing.</p><p>They end up getting Maccas, partly because there is one closeby, partly because Ashton got frustrated with TripAdvisor for only recommending him fancy restaurants when all he wanted was a burger or a burrito. Luke can’t be bothered to use his brain for anything at all, so he just follows Ashton to Maccas, then back outside where they jump into a cab, and doesn’t pay any attention whatsoever to where Ashton tells the driver to take them, nor to the passing surroundings as they drive through Allentown.</p><p>“You’re quiet,” Ashton comments after they’ve gotten out of the cab in the outskirts of a large, relatively empty park, their respective food bags in hand.</p><p>“Just turned my brain off for a bit, it’s nice sometimes,” Luke says. “It’s not often I’m able to, so… I just grab the opportunity whenever I get it.”</p><p>They walk to a secluded spot in the park, a fair few paces away from any of the numerous paths that run through it. The trees there are relatively close together, and they sit down on the grass underneath one, on the side of the trunk that faces away from the nearest path. Though the sky is grey, the temperature is in the mid-twenties, and Luke takes off his hoodie and uses it as a sit pad before they start eating.</p><p>There’s a sense of complete contentment thrumming through his veins. Birds are chirping, an occasional warm breeze makes the leaves crowning the trees around them rustle, and not a single person is around to disturb them, to ask them for anything, to demand they do anything that isn’t just sitting there on the ground in comfortable silence and eat their junkfood. As he chews absentmindedly on a fry, he looks at Ashton, and a memory from over a year ago floats to the surface of the calm tide that is Luke’s mind.</p><p>
  <i>“We have a tendency to get caught up in whatever happens inside, but I think it’s good for our mental health to get outside more often. Enjoy nature. Do a little soul searching without the constraints of walls and furniture and all sorts of background noise. Let our minds disconnect, even if it’s just for a little while.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Jesus Christ, have you been smoking?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Bumping his shoulder against Luke’s, Ashton laughs. “You know what I mean.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Yeah,” Luke says softly. “I do. And… yeah, I agree. I think. It’s just easier to stay inside, you know?”</i>
</p><p>Luke understood what Ashton meant back then, but he realises now that it was a theoretical understanding rather than a practical one. His mind was in a chronic state of stress, anxiety, doubt and confusion at that point in time, and he recalls barely remembering what peace of mind actually entailed. True peace of mind, the ability to disconnect from everything, is something he still struggles to achieve more often than not, but when he thinks back to where he was at a year ago, it becomes clear to him that he has made progress. It’s easy to forget when he only reviews his life on a day-to-day basis, or even a week-to-week or month-to-month basis, but when he takes away the magnifying glass and inspects his life on a larger scale, the progress is clear as day.</p><p>“You’re staring at me.”</p><p>Luke blinks. “Sorry,” he says. “Just… thinking. Reflecting.”</p><p>Evidently having finished his food, Ashton gathers up his trash and puts it into the paper bag before he lies down on his back, arms folded under his head. “Reflecting on what?”</p><p>“Life,” Luke says, taking a bite of his burger. “How much things have changed since last summer. In my life, in <i>our</i> lives, with the band… everything.”</p><p>“A year is a long time, it’s only to be expected that things will change,” Ashton says. “Your life changed from the summer of 2016 to the summer of 2017 as well, didn’t it?”</p><p>“Yeah, but for the worse,” Luke says with a shrug. “None of <i>those</i> changes are ones I like to dwell on if I can help it. The changes that have happened between last summer and now, however… they’re exclusively positive ones, unless something bad has happened and I’ve just… suppressed it.”</p><p>“If so, I’ve suppressed it, too,” Ashton says, smiling crookedly. “But… yeah. A lot of good things have happened, huh? Wrote and recorded an album, you’re you again, I finally put words on a problem I was terrified to even accept for years, Michael moved in with Crystal, Cal… what has Cal done? Fucked a lot?”</p><p>Luke laughs through a mouthful of fries. “Something like that. And managed to keep Duke alive and happy. No, but… we’re all happy right now, aren’t we? The album’s doing better than any of us dared to hope for and the tour’s going swimmingly and… well, then there’s the you and me of it all.”</p><p>“You and me, yeah,” Ashton says. “That’s going pretty well, too, I’d say.”</p><p>Tossing the now cold remnants of his food into his paper bag, Luke drags the back of his fingers up and down Ashton’s chest a couple of times. “Yeah. I… I love you an awful lot. Didn’t really foresee that development when I moved in with you last year, but…”</p><p>“No? That was my plan all along, actually, to make you fall in love with me.”</p><p>“Oh, then… well done,” Luke says with a snort. Lying down on his side, he perches himself up on one elbow. “So… I told Jack and Ben about us. I was on Facetime with them last night, after you fell asleep.”</p><p>“Yeah? How did they take it?”</p><p>“Uhm… well,” Luke laughs a little. “Jack was shocked, but more in a— I mean, I think his exact words were, <i>’You’re banging your bandmate?’</i> and he yelled them, so then Celeste came in and wondered what the hell was going on and then she scolded him when he explained and— well, anyway, he apologised and said he was happy for me and Ben pretty much said the same thing, then they took the piss for what felt like two hours and… that was that.”</p><p>Ashton’s chest is shaking with silent laughter by the time Luke is done talking. “Sounds about right. It was okay, then?”</p><p>“Yeah. It felt good, too. No more people to tell who actually… matters. I don’t think. Or, I mean, not that other people in our lives don’t matter, but… you know what I mean.”</p><p>“Mhm. We can deal with the rest in due time.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Luke closes his eyes and sighs happily. “Hey, Ash?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“I’ve… I’ve been thinking. About something Cal said to me last year.”</p><p>“What did he say?”</p><p>Toying with the neckline of Ashton’s t-shirt, Luke rolls his lips. “He said that… that the meaning of a song isn’t static, that as time goes on and we get new life experiences, the song might take on a different meaning. Not just for us as artists, but for anyone who listens to our music. Or, anyone who listens to any music at all, I guess.”</p><p>Ashton hums. “I reckon he’s right.”</p><p>“He was, he is, but I… I think that for each individual, certain songs have super strong meanings that will always trump any other meaning they might take on later on.”</p><p>“Not sure I’m following.”</p><p>“I mean… look, like <i>Why Won’t You Love Me</i> will for me always mean exactly what it meant when I started writing it, right? It might take on new meanings as well at some point, for example if you and I break up, but—”</p><p>“Wow, happy thought there, Luke,” Ashton says, a displeased grimace fluttering over his face.</p><p>“I meant hypothetically.” Looking around to make sure they’re still alone, he leans down and presses a quick kiss to Ashton’s lips. “I just meant that even if you and I break up, that particular song will never first and foremost remind me of you and me, because I already have all these shitty memories that I associate it with that are… too strong to be overrun.”</p><p>Clearly contemplating Luke’s words, Ashton nods slowly. “So, essentially what you’re saying is that certain songs carry such strong meanings that new interpretations will never be able to overtake them?”</p><p>“Something like that,” Luke says. “Maybe it’s not quite that… definitive for everyone, but it is for me. I was in such a shitty place when we started writing <i>Youngblood</i>, and so many of the songs from it will always remind me of that place, no matter how many new associations I might get to them sooner or later. On the other hand, <i>Want You Back</i> will always remind me of you. Not because of the lyrical content, but because of the day we wrote it.”</p><p>“What?” Ashton laughs. “How come?”</p><p>“You don’t remember?” Luke asks, a little affronted. “You were in the studio early in the day, I came in later, then you left and you came back with dinner for me, and we kinda… I don’t know. We looked at each other for a long time and I— that was when I realised I had feelings for you. Or, <i>properly</i> realised it, anyway, in a… ‘oh shit I’m fucked’ type of way.”</p><p>“Only a little fucked, though, as it turns out,” Ashton says. “In the sense that you’re now stuck with me for God knows how long.”</p><p>Luke snorts. “Rather that than in the sense that you didn’t feel the same.”</p><p>“Glad we’re on the same page,” Ashton says with a wide smile. Holding out an arm, he adds, “Come here.”</p><p>“We’re in public,” Luke says. “We can’t just… do whatever we want.”</p><p>“Sure, we can,” Ashton says easily. “No one’s around and even if that wasn’t the case, I’m not asking you to make out with me.” When Luke still hesitates, Ashton smiles softly. “What are the odds of having anyone who knows who we are seeing us here? I haven’t seen a single soul since we sat down, and… if someone who recognises us sees us having a cuddle, does it matter?”</p><p>Luke bites his lip as he swipes his gaze over the park, but there’s still not another soul in sight, and Ashton looks so open and relaxed, his eyes bright with adoration as they peer into Luke’s, and Luke is weak. Completely powerless against the insistent urge to give in and let himself fall into the embrace he’s being offered. Sighing soundly, he smiles weakly before he lies down with his head right over Ashton’s heart, listening to the steady, reassuring beats that reverberate through Luke’s whole body.</p><p>“That’s better,” Ashton mumbles as he wraps his arm loosely around Luke’s shoulders. “I love you, in case you’d forgotten already.”</p><p>A pleasant rush of blood makes Luke blush, and he smiles into the cotton of Ashton’s t-shirt. “Love you, too. About what I was saying earlier, though, about… songs and their meanings and all that.”</p><p>“Hm, yeah. What about it?”</p><p>“I think… I mean, like I said, I have all these songs that I connect super strongly to a ton of bad memories. Like <i>If Walls Could Talk</i> and <i>Lie To Me</i> and <i>More</i> and… yeah, quite a few songs. But I was… I was thinking about it a couple of days ago when I couldn’t sleep, and do you remember when we finished writing <i>Why Won’t You Love Me</i> and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted it on the album because I felt like it was too direct?”</p><p>“Yeah, I remember,” Ashton says and there’s a curious tint to his voice, gently urging Luke to go on.</p><p>“It’s like… those feelings I was working through back then, they’ll forever be immortalised in this song and because of that, I’ll never be able to escape them completely, and I think… when I look back, I think maybe that’s what scared me more than anything else. It was a little nerve wracking to put my shit out there for everyone to hear, but… what scared me even more was the thought that if I shared that song, and some of the other songs, with the world and was forced to play them live over and over again, I’d never be able to get one hundred percent over her and what our relationship became and all the problems it gave me.”</p><p>“I really hope there’s a ‘but’ coming here, baby.”</p><p>“There is,” Luke chuckles. “<i>But</i> that’s not what I’m feeling when I’m performing any of those songs. It’s more… well, it’s not like I think about it at all most of the time when I’m onstage, but when I do, it’s more a sense of… I don’t know, relief? Or, happiness or pride or gratefulness? Something like that. Because I guess it— or, they don’t remind me of the fact that I went through all that shit, but rather of the fact that I got through it in one piece. And got you as an added bonus.”</p><p>“Please always refer to me as that when you talk about me from now on — your bonus,” Ashton says with a serious nod. “I get what you’re saying, though. Maybe it’s a sign you’ve moved on? Or at least that you’ve gotten to a place where you’re able to draw strength from what you went through instead of it destroying you from the inside out?”</p><p>“I’d like to think so,” Luke says. “And I know you said back then that you weren’t gonna try to fix me, and I guess you didn’t, necessarily, but fixing myself would have taken a lot longer than it did if it wasn’t for you. You know that, right?”</p><p>Ashton doesn’t say anything for a long time, but when he does, there’s a hint of a tremble in his voice. “Anyone would have done the same for someone they love, Luke.”</p><p>“Maybe, but not everyone did. And not everyone could have the same way that you did.” </p><p>“I didn’t really do anything."</p><p>“You put up with me when I was… less than a functioning human being,” Luke says, the words bleeding straight through the lump that is slowly, but surely forming in his throat. “I was half a man, Ash. I was withdrawn, moody, sad, stayed in my room day in and day out, kept saying no when you suggested we do things, kept refusing your offers to talk, and you… you didn’t give up. You didn’t push, but you didn’t give up either.” </p><p>Bumping his nose against the top of Luke’s head, Ashton swallows audibly. “Of course I didn’t. And I won’t give up if you trip and fall again either. I’ll stand there and wait, ready to lend a hand whenever you’re ready to start picking yourself back up.”</p><p>“I know, but… I think it’s my turn to lend that helping hand now,” Luke says. “I’ll be there the day you decide to deal with your problems, and I’ll be there if you trip and fall along the way, no matter how many times that happens. Whatever you need me to do to make the process easier for you, I’ll… I’ll do it.”</p><p>“Even if I ask you to stop drinking when I’m present for a while?”</p><p>“What, you think <i>that’s</i> where I’d draw the line?” Luke shakes his head and presses his lips against Ashton’s chest. “That’s not even a question, Ash. Just… say the word when you’re ready and I’ll… yeah.”</p><p>“Okay. Thank you. Not right now, but… relatively soon. Before my next birthday, yeah?”</p><p>Scooting up a few inches to bury his face in the safety of Ashton’s neck, Luke smiles as he breathes in deeply. “Sure,” he murmurs. “Like I said, just say the word. Tomorrow, next month, next year, two years from now… there’s time.”</p><p>“Got nothing but time, do we?” Ashton asks softly, his lips brushing against Luke’s forehead. “When it comes to each other, I mean.”</p><p>Luke hums in agreement. “Nothing but time for you and me,” he says and there and then, he believes his words to be the absolute, unwavering truth.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oof, okay, we are officially at the end, guys!</p><p>I just wanna say thank you so, so much to every single one of you who have read this fic update by update, one chapter a week, because I <i>know</i> how much it blows having to wait around for fic updates, so... yeah, thank you so much for that! Also thank you so much for all the incredibly nice, sweet and supportive comments you've left along the way and the asks you've sent me; they've meant the world to me and they've lifted my spirits and overall just made me incredibly fucking happy♥</p><p>So, yeah, this is it for now! I have three fic projects currently in the works, one of which is a sequel to TW set to the CALM-era, but seeing as life is about to get really fucking busy for me, I have no idea when any of these three fics will be up. Hopefully, it won't be in too long, though! So, until then, thank you so much for having stuck with this fic, I love you all, and I'll see you soon, and I'm on <a href="https://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a> if you wanna come hang out!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>☆.｡.:*<b>Friday, October 19th 2018</b>.｡.:*☆</p>
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</div>Everything is spinning.<p>In a fit of childish glee, Luke decided three minutes ago that to spin around in circles on the beach was a good idea. Even now, when he’s lying on his back on the blanket in the warm, dry sand and the starry sky above is a dark, blurry mass and he’s feeling vaguely nauseous, it still feels like it was a good idea. Lolling his head to the side, he grins at Ashton, whose smile is wide and fond and makes Luke’s heart skip a beat.</p><p>“Happy now?” Ashton asks.</p><p>“I’m with you, aren’t I?”</p><p>Ashton blinks. “I’m not sure if I should mock you for the sappiness or pelt you with kisses to remind you of how much I love you.”</p><p>“Oh, now <i>I</i> kinda wanna mock <i>you</i> for being sappy, though,” Luke says, feigning pensiveness. “Talk about a vicious cycle.”</p><p>“I say we skip any mocking and instead appreciate the mutual sappiness for once.”</p><p>“For once,” Luke says as he rolls over on his stomach and props his elbows in the sand on either side of Ashton’s chest. “Hi.”</p><p>With the stars reflected in his eyes, Ashton smiles as he pushes a few strands of hair away from Luke’s forehead. “Hi. What are you thinking about?”</p><p>“Not a lot, actually,” Luke says. “You, I guess. Again. Got a bit of a one-track mind these days.”</p><p>“Sweet boy,” Ashton says, lifting his head to press a kiss to Luke’s lips. “Wanna know what I’m thinking about?”</p><p>“If it’s not me, I’m gonna be offended, and you’re sleeping on the couch tonight. Actually, I’m not even gonna stay over at yours, I’ll go to my own place.”</p><p>Ashton laughs. “And eat what? And brush your teeth with what? And shower using what soap? You don’t really have a lot of things at your own house anymore, baby. Or, well, you have your sheets and decorations and furniture, I guess, but…”</p><p>A part of Luke wishes he could argue. Another part is overrun with happiness that he has no foundation to build any arguments on. Every piece of clothing he owns, all his instruments, his laptop, his stationary computer, his Playstation games, his pillow, his certification plaques, his old notebooks, his collection of vinyls and CDs — in short nearly every item he owns that he cherishes in some way has found their way to Ashton’s house in the one week they have been at home since the North American leg of the tour ended. There’s nothing official about it in any way; Luke still has his own house and he has no intentions of ridding himself of it immediately. But it’s not home. It’s a box made up of figuratively speaking empty walls, and the few memories they do hold aren’t ones worthy of anyone’s attention.</p><p>“What do you think the future holds?”</p><p>“What?” Luke raises his eyebrows. “Bit of a heavy-handed question, don’t you think?”</p><p>“Fine, I’ll answer it myself,” Ashton says easily. “I think… you’ll have officially moved in with me and sold your house before our next album. And I think that album will be out by mid-2020.”</p><p>“That’s… less than two years away. Think we have it in us to churn out another album that soon?”</p><p>“I started writing more songs before <i>Youngblood</i> was even out, so I think so, yeah.”</p><p>Luke blinks. “You did? You haven’t shown me anything.”</p><p>“Not sure if anything’s worth being shown yet. I’ve been writing a bit with Matt, though, and one or two of the songs might be usable with some more work. We’ll see.”</p><p>“Okay, well, keep me posted,” Luke says with a curt laugh. “Michael’s thinking about proposing to Crystal, did he tell you?”</p><p>Sliding one hand up Luke’s t-shirt, caressing the soft skin of his waist, Ashton smiles. “Mhm, yeah. Not quite yet, he said he was thinking sometime after Christmas.”</p><p>“Yeah. What about you and me?”</p><p>“Huh? You want us to get married? No offense or anything, but I think that’s a little too soon for us.”</p><p>“No, I didn’t mean—” Luke cuts himself off and snorts out a laugh. “No, I just meant in general. You really think we’ll be officially living together <i>before</i> we get a fourth album out?”</p><p>“I don’t see why not,” Ashton says.</p><p>“That’s romantic. It’s like when someone proposes and the other person just goes, ‘Eh, don’t see why not’.”</p><p>“Fine, okay. Yes, Luke, I think we’ll be officially living together before we get a fourth album out, and it’s because I can’t stand not waking up to your face every morning and fall asleep with you in my arms and carpool everywhere and share every waking hour with you and kiss you—”</p><p>“Okay, okay, enough with the sarcasm,” Luke laughs.</p><p>“It wasn’t sarcasm,” Ashton says. “I might have exaggerated the sappiness a little, but it was all essentially the truth. I do love sharing all that with you. And I wanna keep sharing it with you for as long as you’ll let me. You’re not worried about the future, are you? About <i>our</i> future?”</p><p>Bending down, Luke captures Ashton’s lips in a gentle kiss that he lets last for a few seconds before he pulls back. “No, I’m not worried,” he mumbles, bumping his nose against Ashton’s. “I have you, don’t I?”</p><p>“You have me,” Ashton says. “I’m right here.”</p>
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